March 4, 2023
I don’t remember the exact date, but it was a sunny Friday afternoon in 2014. Clear blue skies on the beach, volleyball practice had been canceled for some reason, and there were four happy kids running around in the sand with nowhere else to be. They were all together, the little ones loving having the big ones around, and I remember thinking that life didn’t get better than this. I’m glad I stopped to take it in, because life keeps rolling but the imprint of that moment is still there.
Within two years, everything about those kinds of moments changed. Nearly 20 years of a relationship crumbled and left me digging deeper to figure out why. Yes, it takes two. Yes, even with love, the makings of the crumble were there from the beginning, but the feelings of guilt and shame left me asking questions and I wanted the answers. The relationships we have with each other are significant in the here and now, but they carry the footprints of the people who came before us too. I don’t say that lightly, or to search for a scapegoat or place blame. One of my core tenets in doing this work is that everyone is doing the best they can with what they know, but it is our responsibility to keep learning so we can grow and evolve into humans who connect more and hurt less. This is what I call generational healing and it’s been my North Star for the last six years…maybe even before, I just didn’t have a name for it.
So, what is generational healing and how do I define it?
Generational healing: When our connection with ourselves is rediscovered while we peel back the layers and make peace with past traumas in our family lines.
Why is generational healing important?
In this process we come to understand our inherent worth, strength, and the agency we have in our lives. We begin to love ourselves more, criticize ourselves less, and form interdependent rather than codependent relationships that create deep knowing of ourselves and families and communities where everyone is able to work from their strengths.
What happens if we turn away from healing?
I’ve heard it said that addiction is the opposite of connection. Addiction will always push away love and, according to Native American wisdom, will leave its mark for seven generations to come. It leaves fractured homes and dinner tables, violates safety and human dignity, and creates disparity in any home where it takes up residence. Eventually, whether that home splits apart or stays together, without the presence of healing energy, the home is broken and the patterns that come from that home create paths that wreak havoc on our health. This pain is expressed on every level from deep within the cells in our bodies and dysregulated nervous systems. If left unresolved, it cycles over and over again, cutting its path over generations of families that no matter how much they love each other, will cause each other more pain.
At this point, if you know me, and have been listening to my thoughts for a while, you are looking for the good news.
Where is the optimism and opportunity?
The answer to that lies in the agency that is within every single human to persevere, to look at themselves and what could be different, and begin to take little steps to make our lives better. I have always believed it was there for anyone, and now the stories that are flowing through my podcast are bringing the living, breathing, examples of human resilience that reinforce my belief that healing is always possible.
How does it happen?
It happens when we stop talking about other people and start talking to ourselves. It happens when we start to understand and practice the tools that connect us with our physical, mental and spiritual being. There are no silver bullets, but there can be a graceful pattern of trial and error while we discover what works for us. It’s a journey of reconnection through unlearning the exercises of control and survival as we discover how to be present in our bodies and minds and know that when we let go of the expectation of what ‘should’ be, we become grounded and calm knowing that through whatever will be, we will be ok. And from this new calm and grounded place energy flows.
What are these tools that help us connect?
Yoga, breathwork, prayer, meditation, journaling, whole foods, daily movement, music, animals, nature, grounding, talk therapy, physical therapy, chiropractic care, energy healing, acupuncture, social interaction, alone time, hydration, supplementation, fasting…the list goes on. I’m sure you could add some of your own. I don’t list all of these things to overwhelm but find hope that there are so many little acts of loving yourself that help connect us to our true selves. Figuring out your personal alchemy is fun, and it doesn’t look like anyone else’s.
Generational learning is what we are after here at Be Better Media where one of my goals is to begin to reverse engineer the process of the generational healing we need by creating space for people to be heard and connect with their purpose. Gigantic visions are made up of little consistent steps everyday, but you don’t have to take them all by yourself. Come find me on What I Meant to Say to hear stories of other people committed to being better one day at a time. These conversations have created more moments in the sun for me and helped create more opportunities for health, healing, and ability to go with the flow in life by learning more about the human experience through other people’s eyes. Keep following along…it's getting better and better with the connections we make with each other everyday.
With optimism,
Wendy
March 19, 2023
I don’t remember the exact date, but it was a Friday afternoon in 2014. Clear blue skies, volleyball practice had been canceled for some reason I can’t remember, and our family was on the beach. There were four kids running around in the sand with nowhere else to be. I remember thinking that life didn’t get better than this. Simple is good and noticing that is even better.
Within two years, everything about those kinds of moments changed. Nearly 20 years of a relationship crumbled and left me digging deeper to figure out why. Disconnection, not just between two people, or even within a nuclear family…disconnection that goes back generations, to times when we thought toughing it out and keeping a stiff upper lip was the way to survive. I wasn’t around then, and toughness and grit to get through hard things definitely serve a purpose, but the disconnection that takes place over time because we turn away instead of looking within severs the root of our families.
Generational healing may sound heavy or complicated but what I’ve found is that it’s about finding our way back to a simple feeling, like that one I had on the beach. It's a work in progress, not a destination...but figuring things out for ourselves about why we are the way we are, and the kind of ripple effect we are capable of can feel really good. Our ability to connect with ourselves and not wiggle out of it or turn away when the things we encounter get uncomfortable, or distract ourselves with outside noise from the things that matter most. Our ability to be present, sit quietly, and take in our own thoughts, hopes and dreams and connect them with our goals and plans for our lives.
Only when we restore connection with ourselves can we peel back the layers and make peace with past traumas in our family lines.
In this unfolding and unlearning of the old ways that we thought were keeping us safe, we start to understand our inherent worth, strength, and the agency we have in our lives. We begin to love ourselves more, criticize ourselves less, and form interdependent rather than codependent relationships that create families and communities where everyone is able to work from their strengths. We stop minimizing each other, talking about what could go wrong and start looking how to make things right. Right isn’t perfect, it’s just a little bit better and more connected every day. No shame in the mistakes, just opportunities to learn and help each other navigate things more smoothly the next time.
What happens if we turn away from healing?
I’ve heard it said that addiction is the opposite of connection. Addiction will always push away love and, according to Native American wisdom, makes its mark for seven generations to come. It leaves fractured homes and dinner tables, violates safety and dignity, and creates disparity in any home it lives. Eventually, whether that home splits apart or stays together, without connection, the home is broken and the patterns that come from that create paths that destroy our health and relationships. This pain is expressed on every level from deep within the cells in our bodies and dysregulated nervous systems. If left unresolved, it cycles over and over again, cutting its path over generations of families that no matter how much they love each other, they still cause each other too much pain.
At this point, if you know me, and have been listening to my thoughts for a while, you are looking for the good news. Where is the optimism and opportunity? The answer to that lies in the agency that is within every single human to persevere, to look at themselves and see what’s working and what could be different to be better. I have always believed it was there for anyone, and now the stories that are flowing through my podcast are bringing the living, breathing, examples of human resilience that reinforce my belief that healing is always possible.
How does it happen? It happens when we stop talking about other people and start talking to ourselves. It happens when we start to understand and practice the tools that connect us with our physical, mental and spiritual being. There are no silver bullets, no biohacks, but there can be a graceful pattern of trial and error while we discover what works for us. Sometimes it takes ignoring what other people think and discovering what works for you. It’s a journey of reconnection through unlearning the habits of control and survival. Then we discover how to be present in our bodies and minds and know that when we let go of the expectation of what ‘should’ be, we become grounded and calm knowing that through whatever will be, we will be ok. And from this new calm we find grounded energy that flows.
What are these tools that help us connect? Yoga, breath work, prayer, meditation, journaling, whole foods, daily movement, music, animals, nature, grounding, talk therapy, physical therapy, chiropractic care, energy healing, acupuncture, social interaction, alone time, hydration, supplementation, fasting…the list goes on. I’m sure you could add some of your own. I don’t list all of these things to overwhelm you, but find hope that there are so many little acts to love ourselves that help connect us to our true selves. Figuring out your personal alchemy is fun, and it doesn’t look like anyone else’s.
Generational learning is what we are after here at Be Better Media where one of my goals is to begin to reverse engineer the process of the generational healing we need by creating space for people to be heard and connect with their purpose. Gigantic visions are made up of little consistent steps everyday, but you don’t have to take them all by yourself. Come find me on What I Meant to Say to hear stories of other people committed to being better one day at a time. These conversations have created more moments in the sun for me and helped create more opportunities for health, healing and ability to go with the flow in life by learning more about the human experience and what we are capable of. Keep following along…better is coming with the connections we make with each other everyday.
Happy 21st Birthday Luke, thank you for teaching me how to stress less and love more. So proud of you everyday.
With optimism,
Wendy
I’ve fallen asleep for the last five nights swimming in a sea of gratitude for this place, it’s absolutely alive with the most magnificent energy I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never been “glamping” but I would consider this trip exactly that. We dropped in on a place in the rainforest where people are the visitors and our energy was on loan from the trees and wild creatures that call it home. It was a week of calm, the jokes were pure and funny, and we found one of those places in the world that will make me better just because I know it exists. Luke wants to bring home a monkey, I want an Ocelot…since neither will happen, I guess we’ll have to come back to visit.
So often the lesson for me is about letting go -
Letting go of expectations, of control, of the way things are supposed to look, and when I slow down and see what is, I realize that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. There will always be things in life that come to challenge us and make us stronger, but when it’s peaceful and good, don’t forget to sit and watch it for a moment, you can see the energy glow in this place. It lowers my heart rate and brings tears to my eyes, because often I forget about the time that has passed and the places we have had to go to get to this place.
The last podcast I did before we came on this glorious trip was with Jim Karas, New York Times best-selling author, he and his daughter wrote Confessions of a Division I Athlete together. One of the things we talked about was the importance of showing your kids your mistakes.
What I realized on this trip
We have broken through to a place that is so real and honest that anywhere feels like home, and we have a closeness even when we aren't together. It’s a beautiful place to sit, be able to trust this energy, and know how to stoke its fire to help them create a life path that has no expectation of what they will be, just who they will be. My deepest desire for each of them is to be strong, kind, unselfish, and free.
I saw our family’s collective nervous system on this trip. It's healing and it's good for all of us. To be able to downshift together wasn’t just calming, but confidence-building as well.
Lean in
As I sat on the back of the jet ski with my 17-year-old driving, I realized that I’ve spent most of my life struggling to lean into the curve and go with the struggle. That need for control comes when I try to avoid what I don’t want to happen, rather than trusting that the struggle is part of the process to lead to exactly where we are supposed to go. This week that struggle broke free to a beautiful flow that I’ll never forget. It’s a wonder to sit and look at these beautiful giant humans…22, 20, 17 & 15. This is a definitive sweet spot. What a ride it’s been, and with our energy recharged, it feels like it’s just getting started.
With optimism,
Wendy
A new one from one of Luke's favorites;)
“Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction.” - Ronald Reagan
As a kid, 4th of July was my favorite holiday next to Christmas. Staying in my bathing suit all day, feet burning on hot pavement, and popsicles and fireworks in the street are among my favorite childhood memories. This holiday weekend though, what is heavy on my mind is how different what I learned about America was from what my kids learn. Last weekend a sweet 15 year old girl asked the question “Why is it a big deal when people take a knee during the national anthem?” and I was grateful to be the one who got to answer her. What she heard from me about the sacrifice made by men and women of past generations under that flag for our freedom definitely wouldn’t be the answer she’ll get at school. Everywhere we look, the message that we have nothing to be proud of as Americans is being spread loudly to the next generation. Yesterday I saw the headline that a woman member of the Contra Costa school board called for a boycott of the 4th of July because there is nothing to celebrate about America. Just the fact that criticism gets a headline shows what there is to celebrate, but all points of view don't share that same freedom these days.
What the next generation believes about America becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. This country is only as great as the people who have the energy to get up and make it happen and as that torch is passed to them, the current narrative will never give them the energy or belief that has been the bedrock of our country in generations past.
Today there is a great divide between real people and power and it's easy to get discouraged. I only let the news in enough to be informed instead of inflamed. The reality of the headlines and everyday life for regular people, from gas prices, bare store shelves and ridiculous arguments about whether a man can get pregnant are exhausting for everyone and we have to choose where we expend our energy.
American life comes with personal responsibility and a hopefully hefty dose of self reflection. When we know this, we have the power to change things from a conscious mind and heart rather than what we see today that more and more looks like a giant trauma bond. So often what we criticize is what we fear most about ourselves. We will never empower from a place of lack, and yet that place of lack and unworthiness is the loudest story out there. Greatness comes with the ability to stand on our own feet, and the ability to recognize where we need to adapt and change to BE BETTER, then we can ask for the support we need to do that. The state of our country can’t be greater than the state of our homes, or our own hearts, minds and spirits. So many of the root problems in America could be solved with introspection instead of outrage. Maybe then we could consciously and calmly connect to talk about the differences between us.
Last night my friend Chrissy and I sat on the beach, watching her boys play in the water until the moon rose in the sky. You could barely see it shining, it was only 2% illuminated according to Google, but it was there and it was beautiful. Our shine is still there if you look for it, I see it everyday. If we don’t teach them to look for the shine, they will never discover how to create it for themselves. What we focus on grows, and in so many places we are focused on the wrong things. Look for that sliver of light this weekend, and be one who coaxes it along until it shines brightly again. See the light, be the light, and let the connection come from there.
Happy 246th birthday America. I believe in you.
With love and optimism,
Wendy
Perfect lyrics and celebration for this holiday weekend
I saw Top Gun this week. It’s so weird to see the actors of my youth get older. Like so many of us, it took me back to 1986, getting dropped off at the movie theater at least 3 different times to see it. Although I loved the story and cinematography, what struck me most was what a foreign storyline this movie was for my kids generation. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been in a movie theatre and had the feeling of American pride that I grew up feeling everyday. And although the movies we watch on the big screen are usually fictional stories like Top Gun was, they communicate a message about who we are as a culture and what we are made of that allows us to rise from the ashes of our darkest places. What we hear in so many places in America these days are about our faults, our division and the place of lack that will never allows us to connect to our greatness and create anything good. I shudder to think that my kids have heard that message for so long, they don’t believe in the America I do. They live in a world of more content and less connection. Short form messages that when tied together create a mentality of victimhood that creates wounds not warriors. And again I started to think about how we as an American society can inspire each other to BE BETTER.
One of my kids said to me this week:
“Most kids aren’t nice because they haven’t learned to care, not because they are choosing to be mean.”
Her words struck me hard and made me sad. We have to choose and inspire care in this world. When we stop trying to figure out where we fit in, we learn how we fit together. Enough with the labels and separation, kindness is inclusive, so let’s embody it and see where it gets us. Greatness comes through our own healing, it takes courage to do it and it is the only way to BE BETTER with each passing day.
Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there making a difference for the next generation. I was blessed to have a good one that inspired my optimist’s lens.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Exposure to new music bringing inspiration this week, check it out!
As a writer, I am thankful that I have a good memory of my early life. So many of my thoughts take me back to places and days from long ago. When I am able to feel those feelings of the younger me, it gives me perspective for what I’ve learned and fills me with gratitude. Even if life doesn’t look like you thought it would, there is always something to learn about yourself and why you are here.
This week I visualized the playground for the kindergarten that had a fence around it to keep the youngest kids at my elementary school separated on their own small playground from the vast expanse of field and jungle gyms that was meant for the grade schoolers. I’m not saying it wasn’t a good idea for the little guys at the time, but it was only for that one year. I was young for my grade and I remember the scary feeling of the wide open space of that bigger playground. To me it felt like millions of kids and loud bells that would ring just when I got comfortable enough to start to have fun.
I think about these different playgrounds today…at 47, because it reminds me that we evolve to a point in our lives where we choose which playground we want to play on, and as long as we are willing to put the work in, so much of that choice has to do with our mindset and the way we feel about ourselves. For a long time, and without making a conscious choice, I saw myself on that small playground, I could see through the chain link fence and watch all the things that caught my eye, but I was a spectator. Whether it’s personality, life experience, or conditioning, in the end we have a choice to make. Whether you are an athlete, student, parent, or entrepreneur, the way you view competition plays a huge role in the choices you make and the way that you feel about getting where you want to go in life and we pass this view on to the next generation. Maybe you don’t even allow yourself to admit where you want to go. For much of my life, I know I didn’t, and it left me, even at 6’0 tall, feeling small.
The cool thing about life is that if we are willing to keep our eyes up and hearts open, there is no point of arrival and we can always learn new ways to BE BETTER.
One of my quotes that I channel frequently is:
“Compete with yourself, collaborate with your community.”
The places we go in life align us with people of the same interests and pursuits. Most of my closest friends have been made through sports - in the locker room, standing on the beach or pool deck, or in the gym. They have become my community, people who I want to support and see succeed. In sports and life, sometimes it can feel like we compete against those very same people we love to hang with off the court or out of the office. Sometimes they are even in our own family. But an abundance mindset helps us realize that we each have unique gifts and all we have to do is be more of ourselves, and perhaps less of who we think others expect us to be, and that abundant feeling starts to flow. This is where our true nature and talents are unleashed and we get to play on the big playground.
If you haven’t heard of abundance mindset before, you are in for a treat because it is the most freeing place to be in this world. It gives you the freedom to compete and evolve with more ease than you could have ever imagined. To put it in a nutshell it’s precepts go something like this:
Abundance Mindset
It will help you battle and more often than not free you from:
So wherever you are along this road of life, whatever you work on that you want to achieve, you will have moments where you feel you don’t belong, like the challenge is too big, your vision out of your reach. You may feel paralyzed with fear that you won’t make the team, create the business, get the promotion, or ultimately have the life you want to live. Come back to the present moment, breathe and identify what you are scared of. Then embrace an abundance mindset and feel the energy flow freely toward your wildest dreams and biggest goals. Don’t let your mindset get in the way of you and your best life. Take down the fences, do the work, compete with yourself, and collaborate with your community. Welcome to the bigger playground of life. It’s fun out here, I promise.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
Since my 20 year old boy told me this song reminded him of me, I haven’t stopped smiling.
Our country is hurting. As much as I am an optimist who looks for the good and the growth in all things, you can’t have a week like this one and not feel like you have been kicked hard in the gut. When you attack anyone’s child, the horrific trauma of an unimaginable situation knocks us, especially a parent, to the floor. Immediately, we go to that place of how this could be real and what if that were my child? But in the aftermath of horror, we struggle to find answers we can agree on, and our ability to take to social media and broadcast our thoughts and feelings are real.
This is America, we all have the right to say what we think. For me, I needed to sit with this one. In part because there are no words that can undo another unimaginable tragedy, and because every problem within ourselves and our society has a symptom and a root. My mind always looks for the root.
As I walked through the WWII museum in New Orleans on Thursday, the tears rolled for the price we have paid for our freedom. Men my son’s age were shot down from the sky and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. The loss of life was immense, the heroism, unlike anything we hear about on the news today. My junior in high school just took an AP History exam and there was nothing from the 1900s on it. What are we teaching them? The difference between now and then is that as a nation, we were united in what we were fighting for; an American way of life, and our freedom. Today, there is a giant divide between what we are teaching them about America, and what our story is about that will translate into the way the next generation feels about being American. The words American exceptionalism are rooted in the human spirit’s desire to be free, not the egotistical way it is portrayed in the news and taught today. Freedom isn’t perfect, but it is the way every human being, at their core, wants to live and it’s the only way we find our path to our greatest potential. I am grateful for the exposure and understanding I have gained from my travels around the globe, but I am always proud and happy to come home because I believe that every day I can get up, I can make a difference.
Before you stop reading because you think you know where I am headed with this, I ask you to take a deep breath, decompress and settle your nervous system.
We are a country of diverse opinions and a power structure that has forgotten its roots and its people. Do I see a need for reform in gun laws? Absolutely. And I have friends that wouldn’t agree with me on that. Do I see a need to protect the Second Amendment? Absolutely. I understand the escape from the tyranny that birthed this country. And for that, I would be dubbed a gun lover. I am neither. Am I a law-abiding citizen that follows the laws in place? Yes. Criminals don’t. So to demonize the gun without talking about the hypocrisy within the government and the mental health and identity crisis we are experiencing as a nation will not solve the problem.
Do I trust the people in power to handle these incredibly important issues that set America apart from the rest of the world? No, I do not. Our leaders take to the airwaves in dramatic fashion, alarming an already traumatized public, with the full knowledge the outcome of this discussion lies between Congress and the NRA, not ‘We the People’. So while we argue and divide our homes and neighborhoods with no real ability to affect change, they seize the moment of our anxiety and pull at the fabric of what it means to be an American, thinking we will be scared into submission.
Yesterday, as we rode back to our hotel after the museum and the French Quarter with an African American uber driver, we shared stories. He told me that he was independent and free in his younger days, and now, from underneath his N-95 mask, he is more afraid of the world. I told him how my life experience had produced the opposite story. He was a chef and a musician, and clearly had some stories to tell. There was no judgment in our differences as we chatted back and forth. His message:
“This is New Orleans, be real, come as you are, we love you.”
Let that sink in, how does it feel? It felt good to me.
Where do we connect and find inspiration to BE BETTER these days? I see it when generations connect through music, the American table, and sports, but to feel it we have to be able to come down and experience American life on a cellular level. To feel safe in society, and with each other, we have to learn how to breathe, listen, and process even when we disagree and sense all of the things that are out of our control. Each of these experiences and habits take center stage in my life every day.
The tragedy experienced in Uvalde this week is immeasurable. The anxiety and heartbreak we feel as Americans are real. There are no words that make it ok. Today I trust people, not power, and work to be part of the parallel universe of kindness, connection, and community that creates the safety that the human spirit needs to thrive and do good in the world. This Memorial Day Weekend, as we celebrate those who have died for our freedom, I find myself asking the question again that has been in my mind for the last few years…what would happen if a growth mindset and mindfulness were a part of American politics? There are so many things wrong, and rIght now the only answer I can come up with that feels right is to breathe, connect, and tell the stories that inspire us to BE BETTER.
Sending love and prayers to the people of Uvalde, Texas. I don’t know what it is like to stand in your shoes, but you are in my heart.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
A song that always fills the void for me.
Every athlete I know, including myself, has always wanted to BE BETTER. My mission and this concept can sound a little brash to some but it’s not meant to be harsh, or make anyone feel like they aren’t measuring up. The goal is to put the emphasis on BE (instead of do) so that we can find BETTER. And in these high stakes environments in sports, if we can find 1% BETTER and understand the intangibles of our character we can push the limits of our potential. And that is the story that the challenged and rising Stanford Men’s Volleyball team is telling right now.
What a difference a year makes. When the last ball dropped against Pepperdine at BYU last year, it was supposed to be over. This smart, young, and talented group of men who have played at the top of their sport and loved volleyball for most of their lives would have to find another place to play if they wanted to continue at the NCAA level. They had all played through the club volleyball ranks, and shown that they had the skill to play at the next level, but they almost lost the ability to execute this chemistry together when Stanford cut their program last year. Fast forward one year, and the family of coaches, alumni, parents, and fans who fought to save the program will surround them tonight as they play for an MPSF Conference Championship, one year to the day they were knocked out last year. The optimist in me always believed this was possible. They are here because they defied the odds and defeated the #1 ranked team in the country. Beyond their incredible technique, there were some intangibles that are the hallmark of great athletes that made the difference.
So what were they?
CONFIDENCE- in themselves, each other, and the alchemy that results from that belief. Even when they were down in the semis, their belief that they could win radiated all the way into the stands.
LEADERSHIP - Volleyball is about chemistry, trust, and leadership. It’s possible for everyone on the court, and even on the bench, to lead if they understand their talents and those of their teammates. It’s a game that can’t be won alone, and true leadership fits together like a puzzle where each contribution fits seamlessly into the others.
GRIT - There was a feeling that they wouldn’t give up. Even losing the fourth set by 10, down 4-7 and losing an 11-7 lead in the fifth set, the tenacity to win the point never wavered.
The love for growing the technical skills of volleyball is a must to play at the highest levels of the game, but athletes should never forget to develop the intangible skills that create relationships, memories, and skills that will last a lifetime. Tonight I’m hoping these qualities, along with the beauty of their technical game, will earn the Stanford Cardinal a conference championship, the first since 2010, and a bid to the NCAA tournament. This Cinderella run is too fun to watch and write about, but no matter what happens, these guys are where they are supposed to be, playing together and writing a story that will serve the world far beyond the outline of that 30 X 30 court.
Let's go tonight Card! Rooting for you all the way to the National Championship!
When I learned to play volleyball, there were nine players standing on a blacktop volleyball court on the playground of my elementary school. I was in 6th grade and the coach was a teacher, standing in his slacks wearing his tennis shoes and carrying a clipboard. He was about 6’6 and a basketball guy, but he taught us to rotate in a zig zag from left to right through the three rows of players and what I remember most was that I wanted to get to the back of the court so I could serve. That serve was underhand, the kind they don’t even teach kids anymore, but there was one game at an opposing elementary school that I served 15 points straight and we won 15-0. These are my earliest volleyball memories, and they still make me smile. I was a beginner, and for a kid who didn’t like school much at that point, learning the sport was the most fun part of my day.
Have you ever heard of a beginner's mind? It’s a zen buddhist term that teaches us to approach everything with an attitude of openness and without preconceived notions of what we know or how things “should” go. A mindset like this allows us to stay curious and keep learning no matter what level of the game we have already mastered. It helps us stay humble, even as we progress through skill levels and keeps us hungry to learn more. No matter what age or stage of the game you have come to, and even if your game is that game of life, do you allow yourself to approach things with a beginner’s mind? From my perspective this approach is one of the greatest tools we have to BE BETTER at what we want to accomplish.
Conversations with other coaches are something that I have a passion for. I could talk for hours about the best ways to help people unlock the potential that is already inside them. I was lucky enough to record an epic conversation this week with my dear friend of over 30 years, Russell Raypon. Our conversations go back to when I would pick him up to carpool to high school when we were 16. Today he is a husband, father, school psychologist, basketball coach and amazing writer with his own blog. During our ‘What I Meant to Say’ podcast conversation, he hit on the topic of how to convert potential to performance. As athletes, that is always something we are after. As Russ broke it down for me, he described a conversation he had with his wife, who was a professional ballerina and trains dancers today, the top three things they saw that converted potential into performance were:
But beyond these things, Russ and I agreed that self awareness was the key to long term high performance. Why? Because when we understand the why beyond what we are working toward, there is a different well of energy that we are able to draw from. We stop working to produce a certain result, and find joy in the process. This is what I refer to as a High Performance Zen lifestyle, that embraces beginner’s mind, helps us understand ourselves better, continue to sharpen our edges to BE BETTER, and be kind to ourselves in the process as we travel the path of learning new things. I believe in High Performance Zen so much, I have even created a course to help train it. Self awareness and coachability go hand in hand. The greater our self awareness the easier it becomes to reframe negative thoughts that have the potential to sabotage high performance, we are able to stay mentally tough, and keep our head in the game.
I’ve come a long way from those blacktop volleyball courts in 6th grade, but one thing that has never changed are the life lessons that I have gained through sports that have made me a stronger, tougher, and better person. The mission of BE BETTER with Wendy Jones is to inspire self awareness to create strong athletes, connected teammates, and better humans. These golden conversations on ‘What I Meant to Say’ are just the beginning. Embracing my own beginner’s mind and drawing from the well that converts potential to performance in my own game of life and grateful for every single person who has supported me and said yes through this amazing creative and worthy process. Look for the good and you will find it.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
It took a little work and a few conversations, but I had my mind settled comfortably around spending Thanksgiving on my own. Thankfully, being thankful is not something I save for one day of the year, and although I wrote from Hawaii last week and am thankful for the experiences in life that blow my mind, I count my blessings for the heat in my house and the gas in my car daily…warmth, mobility, and freedom.
It’s an off year, so I didn’t have my kids on Thanksgiving but they were coming home on Friday, and it didn’t feel worth battling traffic or airport crowds to make that turnaround happen. I’ve noticed no matter how much my mind is able to say a holiday or birthday is “just another day” it takes more processing to get myself to really believe it. But just in time, I got my mind to that peaceful place and was looking forward to a quiet day in front of my fire with my favorite books, settled in, no turkey, no traffic…then my friend Guy extended an invite that felt right and I found myself sitting next to a great grandmother at their dinner table. As we started talking, there was a sense of something familiar about her, she told me about her five sisters, her 90 years on earth, and pointed out her great grandchildren across the room.
“When’s your birthday?” I asked
“December 10.” She answered.
Mine is too. We were kindred spirits. And I had to give myself a moment to imagine what it must be like to look at a room full of people that had so much less experience in life, but you now rely on to help make every day happen. The circle of life takes active participation from all of us, and it was happening throughout this home.
Guy has four kids too, so we have a lot of common ground to cover, like how it all goes so fast. Both of us understand, especially as they get older, that parenting is more modeling, less speaking, because for teenagers and young adults so much has to be risked and experienced for them to grow on their own. It’s literally the hardest part of parenting. For the last few weeks I have felt the heavy lift of my goal to break generational patterns of alcoholism, codependency, and all the baggage that comes with it. As I continue on my own wellness journey, I love connecting with people who have patterns I can learn from. Here are a few things I experienced this spontaneous Thanksgiving:
Families come together in many different ways. It’s beautiful when they show up with love for both their differences and their sameness.
Faith builds resilience that surpasses human frailty. Keep praying.
If you are an adult, know yourself and lead with love. Let the kids be the kids.
For all you hear in the news these days, it was a blessing to be in a space for Thanksgiving filled with these women who make things happen no matter what challenges they’ve come up against in their lives. My almost 91 year old birthday twin Laura, Guy’s mother Florence, a force of an 85 year old woman who stood over a foot shorter than me, and the other women in this completely new environment, gave me more hope than I even knew I needed that wonderful and loving families rise out of the chaos of life if we are strong enough to lead and keep the faith. They say wisdom is pattern recognition, and I grew a little bit wiser this Thanksgiving surrounded by tough and loving women. This beautiful blended family has a story that is not mine to tell, but it was wonderful to be a part of it for an evening. Here’s to embracing the holiday season with no expectation of what it needs to look like, and with complete trust that there is always something more to learn, and even more to celebrate.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Some new piano and lyrics for Christmas:)
Whether it’s an ending or a beginning is all a matter of perspective. Ironically, the first time I had this realization wasn’t after my divorce, it was as Lauren was graduating from high school. There were a lot of tears, it was the first of my four high school graduation milestones, now I’m two down and a third one next year, I know it’s heavy for a reason…change. But as so many situations in our lives, change is reframable and if we frame it right, it usually ends up moving us forward, and that is how I started to turn endings into new beginnings. And whether it was a child who grew up and moved away or the end of my marriage, when I looked at it as a new beginning, things began to heal and evolve. Some days it happened so slowly, it didn’t feel like healing at all. It felt like sitting on the couch and reading a book, or even laying on my bed and staring up at the ceiling until I fell asleep. But I learned how to tolerate, and then even began to cherish and enjoy the quiet. This week, I stumbled upon this quote from Yung Pueblo, a favorite Instagram writer of mine, and the words felt like a warm cup of coffee by the fire.
“A leap forward sometimes requires a cocooning period where you decrease the amount of interactions you have with other people and are less focused with your daily work. Moving slowly and turning your attention inward prepares you emotionally and energetically for the next level.”
That’s what I was doing. That’s what healing felt like to me. Whether it is your body, mind, or spirit (and often it is a combination of the three), healing requires us to turn inward and look at what actually needs to be healed. It brings us back to our foundation and asks us to look for cracks, and then find the ways that we can reinforce them to create a stronger foundation to build upon. This is the process that turns an ending into a beginning.
I remember sitting on the patio of my old house in 2016, a few days before Luke’s 14th birthday. My personal life was in a shambles, is there a better time to start a blog? It felt sticky and uncomfortable putting my words out there, but my purpose of generational healing was bigger than my fear. Since then, I have written well over 150 blogs…I haven’t stopped to count in a while, and now a blog a week feels easy. It feels like being me, instead of something I have to do, and that feeling has taught me a lot. Our life becomes our own when we understand that we have nothing to prove and everything to learn and become. Our struggle gives way to a beautiful flow if we learn to stay with it instead of pulling away or distracting ourselves, and these things are true at every level of the game of life.
In the next few weeks, my blog at The Optimists Journal is getting a new home. Stay tuned…there will be something for everyone who wants to be a little better every day and embrace healing for yourself and the generations that come after you. My blog will have the same name and intention, to inspire us to be better through relatable human stories from parenting, American life, sports, and relationships… but there will be so much more, to align your mind, body & spirit and become the greatest expression of yourself.
This is the next evolution, another new beginning, and a call for anyone on their path that wants to get better. More often than not, that path requires some cocooning. Go easy on yourself, take the time to rest and recover and figure out how to find joy and meaning in your life. Do what matters to you with grace for yourself and the people around you, then being you becomes easy. If you’ve ever wanted to be more of yourself, and step away from what anyone else thought you “should” be, you are going to like this new place. Can’t wait to show it to you;)
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
One of my favorites - This song captures so much about the healing process.
P.S. - My friend Jason and I met up on his Podcast, The Option, this week and talked Dave Chapelle, John Gruden, and how to heal from deep trauma and come out stronger and ready to help others. This one isn’t for the kids…Jason swears like the kid from Brooklyn that he is. But his independent thinking and vision for what he wanted this podcast to be is what the world needs right now and I enjoyed every bit of this conversation.
Here is the link to our conversation.
Of all my favorite things in life, a great conversation is at the top of the list. Meeting new people and hearing their stories has become one of my favorite things, and when I’m out, my ears are open all the time for the possibilities. I love expansive, unguarded straight talk. Not the reckless, I’m going to shoot from the hip kind of talk, but the type that isn’t afraid to speak out of fear of judgment. I am always ready to hear a new story, and most of the time when I do, the charge I get energizes my own journey and inspires me to keep going. Let’s face it, there are so many situations in life that can put our backs up against the wall, but man are we a resilient bunch. We are wired for this kind of connection, and we won’t get as far down our path as we should, if we don’t know who to trust, learn from, and have the courage to share and connect with those people that come into our lives. And then after a few of these conversations, I’m good for a little introvert retreat and reset and I couldn’t be more grateful for the space I have created for myself and my kids with the calm and grounded energy that makes me feel at home.
Given how much I value human connection, I was in the zone this week. Wednesday I had the chance to record a great dialogue with Olympian and new mom, Carli Lloyd, about empathy, connection, and the hopes we have for our kids in this world today. And then, Friday night, I found myself in my own neighborhood, recording a podcast called Drinks on Saturday, with two new friends, Joey, who I met on the 4th of July, when I showed up at a party, by myself, knowing no one except the host who invited me, and Mike who I only met when I showed up to record. I promise to share it when it comes out because it was a blast! These are the kinds of situations I find myself in these days because of this eyes up, ears open experience I am learning to live. It gives me a good read on curious people who embrace life and live it a way that makes the world smaller and more connected. Joey and Mike are asking some big questions and trying to make the world a little better through connection and conversation. And truthfully, I haven’t met a memory bank on American history and current events like the one Joey has! We had a two plus hour chat on everything from parenting to mindset & politics, and whether it was a Friday or a Saturday, that was my way to spend an evening! That is what I love about the world of podcasting…its a gold mine out there!!
Here are five takeaways from my conversations and listening this week:
Drastic Changes don’t last, take small steps, celebrate little victories.
EQ is as important as IQ, the way the world is going, maybe more important.
Recklessness is opposite of cowardice, courage lies in the middle. Learn to be discerning.
Focus on how you want to live your life, rather than how others should live theirs.
Your mindset is the difference between being the victim and the victor in your own life.
I’ve been going back through my blog gathering insight from my thoughts to add to a my next book. I am convinced we have so much to learn from each other, we have to keep talking. Trust your gut, and when it tells you the moment is right, open your ears and listen, and then share your own experience…I promise you’ll find connection and more inspiration for whatever life throws your way.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
The song from the Release Radar that keeps giving me the chills this week…
Photo Credit: Anthony Moore - @amoorephoto_
