Some days it seems there isn’t enough hot tea in the world for my life because learning to honor the slowdown and keep pace with adulting is so hard. My kettle is getting tired, but herbal tea is often my best solution for the chaos that comes through.
My life lets me live the precept:
“Treat everyone with kindness, you have no idea the fires they have burning.”
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It cannot be said enough, from the outside looking in, there is no way any of us can know what is going on inside someone else’s life. But I have also discovered that life is not an outside looking in experience anyway. Real connection and growth comes from within, asks us to define and live our values and stop caring what everyone else thinks anyway. Despite the places I’ve been and the mistakes I’ve made, I am grateful that the exposure to challenging experiences has helped me discover the well of calm and strength that lies within me and I know that although I can’t access it 100% of the time, there is no better place to parent from.
A few weeks ago I wrote about my divorce. Reflection and eight years of time passed has allowed me to grow roots that I would have never had otherwise. Now I am able to help other people navigate through these treacherous waters from a place of compassion and calm and one of the topics that comes up so often, and still daily for me, is parenting. While I believe that in some situations there are benefits of co-parenting after divorce, my experience is that authentic parenting is at the heart of healing, and sometimes we have to discover that standing on our own two feet. At the crux of this decision is having a firm understanding of what real co-parenting feels like and when the concept is being flipped and is the attempt to co-parent is actually a mechanism of control.
When my divorce took effect, my kids were ages 16-9, so I do realize there is a different reality if you are dealing with younger children. The tenet that remains the same is that the best parenting is centered around your value system and a deeply defined sense of self - if you have this you will be able to see when to co-parent and when it is being used to control a situation with the kids. That can be a tennous thing in the midst of such ground shaking change in your own life, but there are things you can do to ground yourself in reality and enhance your own self awareness and skills from listening to podcasts, taking courses, or coaching and other healing modalities that will help you find the strength to help your kids move forward and become stronger through the struggle of single parenting.
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Here are some takeaway tips that I have learned through my life path, coaching, podcast conversations and so many other healing pathways I have explored that have broadened my vision and deepened my roots so that I can parent from a place of strength. We have a podcast coming out next week that I can’t wait for you to hear with Marcus Aurelius Higgs, a Presence Coach for parents of preteens. His SHOWUP framework was rich with wisdom and practical tools for this stage of parenting. I will say, the battle is hard fought, not always won, and I am in it every single day. The stories are from inside the arena where I struggle every day, but I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything.
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Some Questions to Ask Yourself When Evaluating Whether you are Dealing with Co-parenting or Control Issues.
I’ll close with some wise words from Divorce Attorney Ann Grant from her show THE DIVORCE HACKER.
“Don’t worry about control, kids go where the love is.”
Her words ring true in any co-parenting or single parenting journey. If you are in it, I’m with you. For more of my perspective on parenting post divorce check out my Divorce Hacker episode with Ann Grant and feel free to reach out because it definitely takes a village.
With optimism,
Wendy
I wouldn’t have been able to write this eight years ago when he left. So much goes into rebuilding a life and it’s not linear. There have been many missteps and a lack of understanding of where I was at the time and why, but from the time it happened, I always had the question in my mind…how did I end up here? Divorce is hard, but staying in a relationship that isn’t healthy is worse and I believe that we go through hard things in life not just so we can grow, but also so we can help other people.
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I never knew that burnout after divorce was so prevalent but it makes sense to me now. After such a life throttling event, we are susceptible to the complete mental, physical and emotional exhaustion that defines burnout. When you can’t engage or find joy in things that used to be meaningful it’s past time to take an assessment of where you are and how to bring connection back into your life. For me it has involved holding myself to a standard of productivity in a quest to try and find myself that led me to the deep exhaustion that defines burnout. True healing is found in the ability to understand when to push and when to rest, all the while being present enough to bring focus to the circumstances that life brings us that we can’t control. For me, with four kids that I love more than anything in this world, that is a lot of circumstance! Especially if you are the core parent. It is so important that you begin to heal, so you can help them from a place of strength. There is so much that is dropped into your world that you have to handle on your own, so carving out time for yourself to be able to rest, think and feel is paramount in this process.
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Through trial and error and over the last eight years walking this path, I have discovered some processes and philosophies that help mitigate burnout, even on the days when it feels like the walls around you are crumbling. In fact, sometimes the walls crumbling is a good thing…it just takes some time to see that. So if you are in the beginning stages of a breakup or divorce, and especially if you are parenting kids through it, I hope some of these thoughts will help.
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Beyond that I would be remiss to say if you can invest in this process, acupuncture, infrared saunas, massage and body work like Rolfing, somatic work and talk therapy are all amazing ways to learn to regulate your nervous system and so you are able to integrate your body, mind and spirit and heal. Most of all, find healthy ways to learn to honor your feelings without getting trapped in any stories that your mind is telling you. There is always a way through, if you are willing to slow down and look and listen for it and from this place you will find a whole new flow.
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Photo by Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash
Wendy Jones with her youngest son, Matthew.
The truth is, we can’t make up for the hurt that divorce causes, we can only show our kids how to heal and become healthy again. Spoiling them with attention, money, things, lack of consequences only perpetuates the agony for them and burns you out as a parent. Depending on custody arrangements you contend with different things, but whether you are split custody or the full time parent, learning to be your child's ally in the quest for their highest potential instead of their friend is invaluable. The best things take time to develop, including helping a child grow into an adult who isn’t entitled, needs instant gratification and understands how to regulate their own emotions. For more parenting perspectives, head over to the Be Better Media’s Youtube: Parenting Playlist.
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I pass a wall everyday after yoga that has the words “You Are Enough” painted on it. Sometimes I still wrestle with it, but more often than not now, it resonates deep and I find my flow through life’s ups and downs that I never would have imagined I would know how to handle. With each challenge, I see the Divine footprint in it all, and it calms me. What the art on the wall doesn’t have the space to say is by understanding that you are enough you unlock the journey to authenticity that is the true meaning of your new beginning. Authenticity is the true antidote to burnout, breathe it in, follow your heart, and find your bliss. You are worth it.
With optimism,
Wendy
What I enjoy so much about this new ‘What I Meant to Say’ podcast journey is the wisdom that flows from people of all ages and walks of life
This helps me connect the dots to high performance. One of these great conversations was with Mike Hagensick, a Special Education Consultant and Swim Coach from Iowa, not to mention a husband and father to TWO sets of twins, ages 4 & 2 (that should shed some light on his energy level). Our connection came through my favorite podcast, Finding Mastery.
Years ago, Mike started a program to teach special needs kids how to swim that caught my eye. I sent him a small donation to support his efforts and our conversations have continued through his podcast with the E3 collective and now mine. This week, as I worked on a video about the IEP process to send to an teachers' conference in Iowa, I was amazed at how that long-distance connection (we’ve never met in person) that started out small has helped me see my own massively transformative purpose for my own life:
I started Be Better because I believe that every human, not just an athlete or a performer, is on their own path to high performance and through storytelling, human connection and better understanding of the habits and innovative products and services that are out there to help us unlock it, we can build an empowered community to inspire that journey.
Pulling on this thread has helped me unlock healing in myself, my kids, and the people I work with so that our lives become more calm and connected and, through that, purpose emerges. I count my blessings daily that so many meaningful relationships have come from this social media space…it doesn’t just have to be a place of mindless scrolling. The world is smaller because of it and there is a parallel universe of great wisdom emerging beyond the dust of the 24/7 news media that help us find alignment within ourselves and build that out into our communities.
This weekend part of this connected vision comes to life down in Louisiana.
My friend Shawn Ledig, another entrepreneur, athlete, and family man, with boundless energy and heart, put together a volleyball team for the Special Olympics and they compete on Saturday, July 16. I wish I was there because just through the photos and videos he has shared, I can feel what he has achieved. The path to high performance and inclusion are not mutually exclusive, and Shawn and his team are living it. Kindness is inclusive, and that helps everyone BE BETTER.
There is a spring in my step, because work doesn’t feel like work and this world of BE BETTER expands and sheds light in corners that need to be seen. Don’t be afraid to reflect on where you have been, it's likely to lead you to a place of greater passion and purpose. Check out some of these What I Meant to Say conversations and stay on your own path to high performance. There is a beautiful view when you can see the universal truth in every story, and realize that your path doesn’t look like anyone else’s.
With Optimism,
Wendy
Who doesn't need a little Zac Brown wisdom in their weekend;)
Kate turned 17 on Thursday. For anyone who hasn't followed her story, she's the one who stopped playing volleyball to be a theatre kid. And man does she blow my mind on that stage. It's so fun to see her risk, I would have been terrified of that at her age. Maybe she is, but she does it anyway. Thursday night, I looked around my family room, and they are all so big they fill up the entire space. Lauren cooked the dinner (Matthew handled the steaks) and all I had to do was do the dishes. What a shift of energy and life.
For the last five years birthday’s had a sad tinge in them, but I think we are coming out of that. I remembered that I had written some words of wisdom on The Optimists Journal on Lauren’s 17th birthday and I thought I would review and see what I have learned or would add with five more years experience. The things I said still ring true…but I’ve learned to be more direct and succinct. Over the last five years I’ve learned less is more, that it’s ok to let your words sit and be open to others interpretation of them. No more over-explaining. So I took the 17 things and brought them down to a Top 10:
I give these to you Kate on your 17th birthday, but they are for all of you. I can’t believe I have four that fill up a room. Birthday’s will always take you back to the first time you held them, and now so often they hold me in ways they don’t even know. Not because I’m not strong enough to hold myself, but because we are connected. And nothing feels better than that. Time marches on, and life feels normal. So much different than it did when Lauren turned 17. Whatever you are moving through, slow down and breathe, and day by day a lighter and wiser version of yourself will be revealed.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
As a writer, I am thankful that I have a good memory of my early life. So many of my thoughts take me back to places and days from long ago. When I am able to feel those feelings of the younger me, it gives me perspective for what I’ve learned and fills me with gratitude. Even if life doesn’t look like you thought it would, there is always something to learn about yourself and why you are here.
This week I visualized the playground for the kindergarten that had a fence around it to keep the youngest kids at my elementary school separated on their own small playground from the vast expanse of field and jungle gyms that was meant for the grade schoolers. I’m not saying it wasn’t a good idea for the little guys at the time, but it was only for that one year. I was young for my grade and I remember the scary feeling of the wide open space of that bigger playground. To me it felt like millions of kids and loud bells that would ring just when I got comfortable enough to start to have fun.
I think about these different playgrounds today…at 47, because it reminds me that we evolve to a point in our lives where we choose which playground we want to play on, and as long as we are willing to put the work in, so much of that choice has to do with our mindset and the way we feel about ourselves. For a long time, and without making a conscious choice, I saw myself on that small playground, I could see through the chain link fence and watch all the things that caught my eye, but I was a spectator. Whether it’s personality, life experience, or conditioning, in the end we have a choice to make. Whether you are an athlete, student, parent, or entrepreneur, the way you view competition plays a huge role in the choices you make and the way that you feel about getting where you want to go in life and we pass this view on to the next generation. Maybe you don’t even allow yourself to admit where you want to go. For much of my life, I know I didn’t, and it left me, even at 6’0 tall, feeling small.
The cool thing about life is that if we are willing to keep our eyes up and hearts open, there is no point of arrival and we can always learn new ways to BE BETTER.
One of my quotes that I channel frequently is:
“Compete with yourself, collaborate with your community.”
The places we go in life align us with people of the same interests and pursuits. Most of my closest friends have been made through sports - in the locker room, standing on the beach or pool deck, or in the gym. They have become my community, people who I want to support and see succeed. In sports and life, sometimes it can feel like we compete against those very same people we love to hang with off the court or out of the office. Sometimes they are even in our own family. But an abundance mindset helps us realize that we each have unique gifts and all we have to do is be more of ourselves, and perhaps less of who we think others expect us to be, and that abundant feeling starts to flow. This is where our true nature and talents are unleashed and we get to play on the big playground.
If you haven’t heard of abundance mindset before, you are in for a treat because it is the most freeing place to be in this world. It gives you the freedom to compete and evolve with more ease than you could have ever imagined. To put it in a nutshell it’s precepts go something like this:
Abundance Mindset
It will help you battle and more often than not free you from:
So wherever you are along this road of life, whatever you work on that you want to achieve, you will have moments where you feel you don’t belong, like the challenge is too big, your vision out of your reach. You may feel paralyzed with fear that you won’t make the team, create the business, get the promotion, or ultimately have the life you want to live. Come back to the present moment, breathe and identify what you are scared of. Then embrace an abundance mindset and feel the energy flow freely toward your wildest dreams and biggest goals. Don’t let your mindset get in the way of you and your best life. Take down the fences, do the work, compete with yourself, and collaborate with your community. Welcome to the bigger playground of life. It’s fun out here, I promise.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
Since my 20 year old boy told me this song reminded him of me, I haven’t stopped smiling.
Hi. I’m Wendy. Even though I’ve written over 200 blogs, you don’t really know me. I show you glimpses of me in my writing, if you have seen it. But even though I write openly about my life, you don’t know everything; I suppose that’s how it should be. I worry about exposing too much. But after my divorce, I discovered even though losing hurts, there is always something we can take from a loss to BE BETTER. I have been on this journey to help understand our generational stories and help create environments where we feel safe enough to share what we go through and understand ourselves and relate to each other BETTER. At the root of it all, that is what I know has to happen to make life BETTER. We have to be brave enough to ask questions, be proud of our strengths, and know where we can grow. At the same time, we must care about what it is like to walk in someone else’s shoes and not be so quick to judge when someone thinks differently than us. The world is made up of so many different perspectives, and we have to know that ours isn’t the only one.
I’ve spent most of my life afraid of attention. It’s been my experience that when I stepped out of my comfort zone to claim some space where I felt that pull of authenticity, I would run into trouble. That fear has held me back in so many areas of life…on the court, in relationships, and in understanding my own vision and contribution to the world. One problem that I know I have encountered along this journey, and maybe you can relate, is that I believed there were two playing fields. I thought I had to play on the practice field and wasn’t ready (and may never be) for the Friday night lights. I knew how to prepare others for those places, I’m great at recognizing strengths in others and coaching them along, but I’ve come to understand that came much easier than recognizing my own greatness. We all have greatness, and that is why I'm so fascinated with what turns potential into performance.
As I have walked this road to understand myself BETTER, I realized that my relationships weren’t always aligned with my vision and, when they weren't, all this crazy chatter would start in my brain. Imposter syndrome, fear of failure, all the things that naturally occur in us as our energy looks toward the light. Today I also know that it is also just my nervous system trying to protect me, and I’ve done lots of work to learn more about how to balance and bring calm to the chatter so I can continue to follow my vision to tell stories that help humanity and connect people with their own greatness.
I believe that people learn through stories because they disarm the listener and help us zero in on the universal truths that unite us as humans. When we identify with a feeling we have had ourselves, we are less likely to judge, or jump to conclusions. My favorite ways that stories play out are through sports, music, and the way that they are both microcosms of, and inspiration for, American life. I’ve been so amazed to see that the things I thought were just pastimes for me turn into a full fledged vision to use my gifts and talents to help the world BE BETTER. No matter what you read in the news right now, what is going on in your home, on your team, or in any other relationships in your life, I know this:
Love>Fear
Listening>Talking
Abundance > Scarcity
Growth mindset > Fixed mindset
Real>Right
Optimism > Cynicism
It’s not lost on me that both of my older kids experienced painful losses on the volleyball courts this past week as Stanford just barely missed a trip to the NCAA tournament, and TCU took an early exit at their NCAA tournament after going in ranked #2. What wasn’t lost on me though was that as much as defeat hurts in the moment, they were able to bounce back with musical experiences, strong relationships, and American life. Luke’s pictures from Stagecoach and Lauren’s text to me about the country music she got to take in after the loss remind me that it’s all connected to this amazing American experience we get to cultivate with our families if we focus on the right things. I’m here to tell you, those stories are not on the news right now, and I’m here to tell them. They are so much bigger than my life, or my family. From The Optimists Journal to What I Meant to Say, and more to come, BE BETTER is here to inspire with stories that fill you with optimism that gives you energy to work to make life and this world BETTER.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
And as always....truth in the lyrics and a smile while you listen
Every athlete I know, including myself, has always wanted to BE BETTER. My mission and this concept can sound a little brash to some but it’s not meant to be harsh, or make anyone feel like they aren’t measuring up. The goal is to put the emphasis on BE (instead of do) so that we can find BETTER. And in these high stakes environments in sports, if we can find 1% BETTER and understand the intangibles of our character we can push the limits of our potential. And that is the story that the challenged and rising Stanford Men’s Volleyball team is telling right now.
What a difference a year makes. When the last ball dropped against Pepperdine at BYU last year, it was supposed to be over. This smart, young, and talented group of men who have played at the top of their sport and loved volleyball for most of their lives would have to find another place to play if they wanted to continue at the NCAA level. They had all played through the club volleyball ranks, and shown that they had the skill to play at the next level, but they almost lost the ability to execute this chemistry together when Stanford cut their program last year. Fast forward one year, and the family of coaches, alumni, parents, and fans who fought to save the program will surround them tonight as they play for an MPSF Conference Championship, one year to the day they were knocked out last year. The optimist in me always believed this was possible. They are here because they defied the odds and defeated the #1 ranked team in the country. Beyond their incredible technique, there were some intangibles that are the hallmark of great athletes that made the difference.
So what were they?
CONFIDENCE- in themselves, each other, and the alchemy that results from that belief. Even when they were down in the semis, their belief that they could win radiated all the way into the stands.
LEADERSHIP - Volleyball is about chemistry, trust, and leadership. It’s possible for everyone on the court, and even on the bench, to lead if they understand their talents and those of their teammates. It’s a game that can’t be won alone, and true leadership fits together like a puzzle where each contribution fits seamlessly into the others.
GRIT - There was a feeling that they wouldn’t give up. Even losing the fourth set by 10, down 4-7 and losing an 11-7 lead in the fifth set, the tenacity to win the point never wavered.
The love for growing the technical skills of volleyball is a must to play at the highest levels of the game, but athletes should never forget to develop the intangible skills that create relationships, memories, and skills that will last a lifetime. Tonight I’m hoping these qualities, along with the beauty of their technical game, will earn the Stanford Cardinal a conference championship, the first since 2010, and a bid to the NCAA tournament. This Cinderella run is too fun to watch and write about, but no matter what happens, these guys are where they are supposed to be, playing together and writing a story that will serve the world far beyond the outline of that 30 X 30 court.
Let's go tonight Card! Rooting for you all the way to the National Championship!
People care, or they are curious, or both:) When people ask me what happened to my ankle, I tell them I had ankle surgery.
“Wendy, you need to start saying I had an ankle reconstruction.” said my amazing PT.
“I did?” I said.
Well, suddenly it made a lot of sense. Both because of the intense pain the first couple of weeks and the new beginning I feel now. There is space where there wasn’t before and with that space I have the opportunity to get stronger and grow to new levels of fitness and performance. I love it when my body and life parallel each other:) I believe this even at 47 years young. I get to decide what high performance looks like for me, and nothing is more exciting to me than plotting that path to BE BETTER…body, mind, and spirit.
While I’ve recovered and haven’t been able to be physically active while I heal, I’ve incorporated new recovery tools like breath work, cold exposure, and red light therapy with a disciplined process and my HRV, sleep patterns, and window of tolerance to balance the ups and downs of life with a more regulated nervous system have improved and my mind is strong. Shout out to the N=1 mentorship with Shift Adapt’s Emily Hightower and her amazing insight. Just because one aspect of our lives is compromised, it doesn’t mean there aren’t other areas we can shine light on to understand better.
On Monday I will be 100 % weight bearing and I’m ready to begin the physical journey with a stronger foundation than I had two months ago. I’m so grateful for new beginnings, and all about making them happen.
It’s Easter weekend, time to think about so much more than these volleyball games that give me so much joy to watch. Breaking down volleyball strategies with great players, coaches, and fans is one of my favorite things to do. I love the technical, the mindset, and the strategy…but even more than that, I love the stories behind the games and the relationships that have enriched my life in the deepest and most healing ways. That’s why I’m having such a great time with my new podcast, What I Meant to Say. Easter is about resurrection and new beginnings and that is something that resonates with my story over and over again and also with the people in my life that support my growth on a daily basis. Gratitude builds energy for the road ahead, I can’t recommend the practice enough.
Here are some takeaways that have come from this slow down to grow stronger process:
Everyone needs a place to feel safe to grow. My life has been forever changed by the healing place I get to call home and the people that have made it that way. Over the last few years, it’s been filled with good calming energy, but the gratitude I have for the cosmic connection that Cari Whitmore has provided in this healing time made my home feel safe when I felt vulnerable. She knows how to make my coffee…talk about a love language:) These talks, healing meals, connection, and care are part of a bigger story that is still playing out.
Surround yourself with people who believe in new beginnings. Mindset is a game changer. Do you believe that life is what you make it or that life is happening to you? Your thoughts determine your days.. While I stand squarely in the belief that the buck stops with me and the choices I make to shape each day, the people who chime in, send encouragement, and support a growth mindset are game changers in my life. Thank you to all of the people who have provided this for me over the last few months.
Self reflection is the key that unlocks the new cycle. On the podcast I recorded last week with my life long friend, school psychologist, coach, and parent Russell Raypon, as well as the one from this week with former volleyball pro, father, and cancer survivor Matt Prosser, we concurred that self reflection is a major key to unlock potential and growth, not to mention more meaningful life long relationships. I can’t wait to release these over the next few weeks. There is a new ‘What I Meant to Say’ podcast that comes out every Wednesday. Check it out wherever you listen to your podcasts!
Affirmations work. From time to time, the 2am demons still come to visit. Do you know them? They wake you up and remind you of everything that you haven’t finished and ask you if you are crazy to believe you can do what you believe you can when you wake up every morning? Affirmations are my go to in these moments to send the demons packing. Whatever you focus on will grow, believe that in every moment and use affirmations when your belief wavers. Belief in yourself is a muscle that can always be strengthened.
Decide what is important to you in your life, and be intentional about making it happen. It doesn’t matter if other people get it, move forward, and as you do, you will attract the people who are meant to be part of your new beginning. Here’s to strong foundations and the community and connection that support them. Thank you to the people who have supported me on this journey, from my cup of coffee to the encouraging Instagram DM, to the strangers who have helped me through airports. I’m grateful for every single thing that has brought me to this point, excited about the road ahead, and grateful for the processing skills that have helped me get to this place. It's been a reconstruction in more ways than one.
Happy Easter everyone, believe in new beginnings and everything is possible.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
When I learned to play volleyball, there were nine players standing on a blacktop volleyball court on the playground of my elementary school. I was in 6th grade and the coach was a teacher, standing in his slacks wearing his tennis shoes and carrying a clipboard. He was about 6’6 and a basketball guy, but he taught us to rotate in a zig zag from left to right through the three rows of players and what I remember most was that I wanted to get to the back of the court so I could serve. That serve was underhand, the kind they don’t even teach kids anymore, but there was one game at an opposing elementary school that I served 15 points straight and we won 15-0. These are my earliest volleyball memories, and they still make me smile. I was a beginner, and for a kid who didn’t like school much at that point, learning the sport was the most fun part of my day.
Have you ever heard of a beginner's mind? It’s a zen buddhist term that teaches us to approach everything with an attitude of openness and without preconceived notions of what we know or how things “should” go. A mindset like this allows us to stay curious and keep learning no matter what level of the game we have already mastered. It helps us stay humble, even as we progress through skill levels and keeps us hungry to learn more. No matter what age or stage of the game you have come to, and even if your game is that game of life, do you allow yourself to approach things with a beginner’s mind? From my perspective this approach is one of the greatest tools we have to BE BETTER at what we want to accomplish.
Conversations with other coaches are something that I have a passion for. I could talk for hours about the best ways to help people unlock the potential that is already inside them. I was lucky enough to record an epic conversation this week with my dear friend of over 30 years, Russell Raypon. Our conversations go back to when I would pick him up to carpool to high school when we were 16. Today he is a husband, father, school psychologist, basketball coach and amazing writer with his own blog. During our ‘What I Meant to Say’ podcast conversation, he hit on the topic of how to convert potential to performance. As athletes, that is always something we are after. As Russ broke it down for me, he described a conversation he had with his wife, who was a professional ballerina and trains dancers today, the top three things they saw that converted potential into performance were:
But beyond these things, Russ and I agreed that self awareness was the key to long term high performance. Why? Because when we understand the why beyond what we are working toward, there is a different well of energy that we are able to draw from. We stop working to produce a certain result, and find joy in the process. This is what I refer to as a High Performance Zen lifestyle, that embraces beginner’s mind, helps us understand ourselves better, continue to sharpen our edges to BE BETTER, and be kind to ourselves in the process as we travel the path of learning new things. I believe in High Performance Zen so much, I have even created a course to help train it. Self awareness and coachability go hand in hand. The greater our self awareness the easier it becomes to reframe negative thoughts that have the potential to sabotage high performance, we are able to stay mentally tough, and keep our head in the game.
I’ve come a long way from those blacktop volleyball courts in 6th grade, but one thing that has never changed are the life lessons that I have gained through sports that have made me a stronger, tougher, and better person. The mission of BE BETTER with Wendy Jones is to inspire self awareness to create strong athletes, connected teammates, and better humans. These golden conversations on ‘What I Meant to Say’ are just the beginning. Embracing my own beginner’s mind and drawing from the well that converts potential to performance in my own game of life and grateful for every single person who has supported me and said yes through this amazing creative and worthy process. Look for the good and you will find it.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Writers seek throughlines. Coaches seek potential. Athletes (& humans really) often seek perfection. I am all of these things. But since July 28, 2000, my deepest sense of connection is being a parent. I’ve never been more connected to a calling or felt a greater sense of purpose in my life, I guess that’s how I ended up with four of them. Whether it was a 3am feeding, getting down on their level to look at a little face, or the joy I feel watching them discover who they are, I have always sought their presence. All of these identities have collided in my mind as I try to understand the reality of the tragedy that occurred at Stanford this week. I didn’t know Katie, and I know I can’t make anything better, or create any comfort for people I don’t even know. I find myself unable to concentrate except to seek the throughline, to mourn the loss of potential, and to say that there is no perfection expected or possible when it comes to ourselves or our kids. We just need their presence. I can’t imagine life without them and what the Meyer family, Katie's friends, and her entire community have been left to grieve leaves me with the greatest sense of despair and emptiness.
All week I’ve been journaling about women, because they have shown up for me in ways big and small since my surgery three weeks ago. We are a force to be reckoned with, and at the same time, are so hard on ourselves. Even together, with a sense of a sisterhood, or a team, we can feel so alone. So many of us are challenged when it comes to asking for help; we feel we need to put on a brave face and be strong on our own. I think we are afraid to need each other. After surgery, I’ve needed help for the simple things, and at this stage of the game, I've finally gotten a little better at asking…and the women have come out of the woodwork. I'm sure Katie was like these women. They've been there to lend a hand with everything from a ride, to a meal, to laundry, to taking Matthew’s stitches out of his hand.
Yes, he managed to crash on his skateboard three days after my surgery and wind up with seven stitches and a compressed L1/L2 in his back. He scared the heck out of me to the point that I wasn’t even ready to talk about it last week. It made me feel fragile in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time, since he was little and I couldn’t let him out of my sight after his near drowning accident. Over the last twelve years since we almost lost him, I have battled with how to let him go out and experience life in the way that is necessary to build confidence and independence instead of giving in to the neurotic feeling that exhausted me because no matter what I did, I knew that I could not control enough to guarantee his safety. As parents, we never can. On the surface, life often looks harder for him than it does for my other three. School and socialization are harder and it is an achilles heel to cater more to him because from the world’s perspective he seems to struggle more. But the pressures that our kids put on themselves at the ‘top’, where internal battles are hidden under their more hearty exteriors and grace under fire ways, or the amazing wins that we all love to celebrate, are extreme. How do we know what is too much? What I know is that over a lifetime the high highs are not what bring us through but instead, the simplest forms of human connection that ground us in our inevitable moments of uncertainty, sadness, fear, or grief so that we can see another sunrise.
Life is full of questions that we never know the answers to. I am certain that the question of how a life is cut too short is one that will never leave us. The only throughline I can find is that we need each other to understand our beauty and our struggle and connect anyway. We have to tell people we love them, and help each other see a way through when we can’t find it on our own. We have to show that we are that one call that says you matter too much and the end isn't near.
I wanted to come up with an answer…the age of social media, the isolation that we have experienced, or the achievement that may seem to be a birthright for lights that shine so bright on earth, but the writer in me can’t come up with one. Every week I write to gain perspective and to connect with the younger generation to pass on whatever wisdom I’ve uncovered along my journey. But today the only thing that comes through is that we need to love and lean on each other when fear creeps in and the struggle is too much to shoulder alone. For Katie the struggle is over, but I can feel her strength is still here. I hope and pray that God’s grace covers her friends and family in the softest golden light and that they can always feel her strong presence…because as parents, from the moment any of you are born, that is all we ever need.
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The events of the week have done their best to knock me for a loop and I’m grateful for faith and meditation to help me keep my feet on the ground. When I read the news, things don’t feel right to me. I see big glaring holes in reason, hypocrisy around so many corners, and profits that matter more than people. Even the practicality of the day is being challenged. Do I stop working and go wait in line for a free Covid test handed out at the high school to test my asymptomatic child, or do I push forward with the work I am passionate about to create deep health and wellness in the world? There are only so many hours in the day, and the powers that be seem to want me to run from place to place, seeking out tests and spending money to have them expedited to comply with more regulations so that the kids can try to maintain some semblance of normalcy. It’s beyond stressful for them, in a way that sinks into their nervous systems in ways they can’t even label. There is real damage being done, I see it firsthand every day. They are learning that even when they work hard and follow ‘the rules’, what they work for can be pulled from them in a moment's notice. They are being taught to isolate and hide rather than connect and it’s far more damaging emotionally and mentally than this latest mutation of the virus that all the news would have us believe lurks at universities, high school functions, small sporting events, and conventions where kids gather to share their talents, but somehow misses The Rose Bowl and the Laker games. At this point, it’s hard not to believe that financial gain for big corporations is being valued far more than the life experiences that we only get certain times in our lives to experience. The damage being done right now will be studied and talked about for generations.
My frustration comes in large part because this is not March of 2020 and one thing I have always believed is that when you know more, you can and should do better. But what I see is that we know more, and we keep doing the same thing. This virus has mutated to a form that on average, seems to cause a nasty cold, not death. They say the hospitals are still full, but that is a function of far more than COVID cases. I’m convinced now that if we haven’t already had it, we are going to get it. So why would we close schools, cancel games, fan attendance, and other experiences for our kids when there is no significant risk to their health? Unless we have other risk factors, which we as human beings need to be autonomous enough to recognize and assess our own risk, the cycle at this point seems to be get sick, lay low, recover. As you can see, I’m frustrated, more for the next generation than even for myself.
But I still want to understand why:
It’s ok to focus, and even force, a vaccination that neither stops the contraction or the transmission of the virus but not on treatment protocols for people who are infected with it?
It’s ok to tell someone that they have to put a shot, or multiple shots, in their body, but believe in a woman’s right to choose?
It’s a conspiracy to follow the money trail to big corporations while small businesses are being decimated by closures and the isolated way of life that is promoted in the name of safety?
It’s difficult to find a bed in a mental care facility for someone who has been infected with Omicron, when the risk to their life is far less than the mental affliction that is causing such deep pain?
My point isn’t how I feel on any one of these topics, but the hypocrisy that seems to exist in the perspectives. I’ve talked this week with so many whose lives have been affected by the virus. But the truth is that I have never talked to anyone who has stared down death that doesn’t want to go out living as large as they possibly can. Life will continue to be a risky proposition on so many levels (not just this one singular risk that we can’t seem to take our eyes off for a minute), but we are here to live it. Give the next generation a chance at the memories that are bigger than any risk that is posed to them. They deserve regular life, and as I continue to trust my gut, I know it is more than possible.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
THIS WEEKS SONG - Thanks for the find Chrissy;)
I’m a storyteller, not a scientist. But I love when science backs up what my intuition tells me is true. Mindfulness became a thing in my life slowly. Podcasts I listened to were talking about it, my yoga practice led me to experience the power of slowing my breath, and I knew that studies had proven that at the eight minute a day mark, it was shown to begin to change the human brain. Five years ago, I also knew that my brain was due for an overhaul…even if it was a little bit at a time. So I started meditating, using a little app called Insight Timer, that guided me through.
When I think about this past week, my mind knows to seek the high points; connecting with new friends, having Luke home for dinner, a surprise pickup at LAX and lunch with my best friend that I didn’t see coming. But to be transparent, I’ve had my share of low points too. A shooting in a Torrance parking lot that I frequent, threats of violence at California schools, endless regulations that affect our everyday lives that don’t seem to have any positive impact on the numbers, and are having a negative impact on my own and the next generation’s mental health. Usually these moments come at the end of a long day, somewhere between 8-10pm (historically not my finest hours) and I have this sense of sadness that begs for me to consult a quote from my book:
“Sometimes all you need is another sunrise.”
That thought, and coming back to my mindfulness practice seem to bring me back to my usually optimistic self by the next morning.
The other thing that I have learned over the last five years is that nothing is random, every point in our lives is connected to a picture and purpose greater than ourselves, the question is whether we will lift our eyes, open our ears, release the grip that fear has on us, and focus long enough to connect with it, another thing that my mindfulness practice has helped me to do. It teaches me to recognize and reframe any bad narrative that I have going in my head, or just slow down and be present and see where I can be of service, but this past Wednesday night I had a first hand experience with how it has changed what felt like every cell in my body.
To give you a point of reference from an unhealthier time in my life, if you don’t already know this, Matthew, my youngest, had a near death experience and almost drown when he was two. After pulling him out of the pool and witnessing all that came after that, I had moments of panic, so much anxiety, flashbacks, and moments of time that I would want to jump out of my skin. Loud noises would make me jump, another baby’s cry would send me running to find him, and if he didn’t answer me immediately after I called his name or I couldn’t find him for 30 seconds, it would send me into a tailspin. It’s a difficult way to live, both for me and the people around me. My heart goes out to those who struggle like this for years, even decades without relief. I have been fortunate to seek and find healing tools that have pulled me from this anxious space - from meditation, yoga, acupuncture, talk therapy - I’ve explored a lot of healing - and it’s had a life affirming effect on my days. Almost in a way that you don’t notice it…because the darkness and agitation lifts little by little.
But to bring it back to Wednesday night, dinnertime. No matter how tumultuous some dinners have been over the years, it is still one of my favorite things about having a family. In fact, I’m convinced that if we had more sit down dinners in this country we could solve so much of the disconnection and loneliness that we collectively feel these days. Families need time to unwind and talk, even invite their neighbors in to chat. As we finished our dinner and cleared the dishes to the kitchen, Matthew rinsed plates and loaded them in the dishwasher. Luna, our one year old, ball obsessed puppy, got her ball stuck under the dishwasher door and as she tried to retrieve it, she bumped the open dishwasher and the fully loaded bottom rack went flying across the kitchen. The sound was excruciating, it seemed to carry for miles and go on for 10 minutes. But for me, what in actuality lasted 2 seconds, happened in slow motion. As I watched the bottom rack fly through the air, I saw it in slow motion and wondered if I could catch it, assessed that I couldn’t, thought about the fact that I had no shoes on, and stepped away from the flying dishes and steak knives that came crashing down on the ceramic tile floor, plates breaking in pieces, with shards of glass everywhere. Luna was shaking, Matthew started to panic, but I was fine…didn’t even flinch. I could take a deep breath, and Luke and I were able to tell and show Matthew that no one was mad, that it was an accident, and he wasn’t in trouble. It was worth the broken dishes and the clean up to feel that sense of control over my mind and body. Small improvements over time add up and change the culture of families…and it spreads from there.
For all the negative talk in the news these days about “exposure”, I’m grateful for the positive, healing forces and habits that I have been exposed to. Mindfulness, acupuncture, real sleep habits, sunlight, feet in the soil, so many things that affirm life and keep the anxiety and fear based mindset at bay. Little by little, mindfulness is unwinding the tension and anxiety that isn’t healthy for families or societies to live with. To live life to the fullest is to confront risk and decide how we are going to handle it. Although we can never control it all, we have a lot of choice in what are exposed to. Love over fear, out over in, and as was so eloquently put in the amazing movie I watched this week with Kate on Netflix, Tick, Tick, Boom…wings over cages. Slow down and think about it, it’s powerful.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
