Some days it seems there isn’t enough hot tea in the world for my life because learning to honor the slowdown and keep pace with adulting is so hard. My kettle is getting tired, but herbal tea is often my best solution for the chaos that comes through. 

My life lets me live the precept: 

“Treat everyone with kindness, you have no idea the fires they have burning.” 

Photo by Cullan Smith on Unsplash

It cannot be said enough, from the outside looking in, there is no way any of us can know what is going on inside someone else’s life. But I have also discovered that life is not an outside looking in experience anyway.  Real connection and growth comes from within, asks us to define and live our values and stop caring what everyone else thinks anyway. Despite the places I’ve been and the mistakes I’ve made, I am grateful that the exposure to challenging experiences has helped me discover the well of calm and strength that lies within me and I know that although I can’t access it 100% of the time, there is no better place to parent from.  

A few weeks ago I wrote about my divorce.  Reflection and eight years of time passed has allowed me to grow roots that I would have never had otherwise. Now I am able to help other people navigate through these treacherous waters from a place of compassion and calm and one of the topics that comes up so often, and still daily for me, is parenting.  While I believe that in some situations there are  benefits of co-parenting after divorce, my experience is that authentic parenting is at the heart of healing, and sometimes we have to discover that standing on our own two feet. At the crux of this decision is having a firm understanding of what real co-parenting feels like and when the concept is being flipped and is the attempt to co-parent is actually a mechanism of control.  

When my divorce took effect, my kids were ages 16-9, so I do realize there is a different reality if you are dealing with younger children. The tenet that remains the same is that the best parenting is centered around your value system and a deeply defined sense of self  - if you have this you will be able to see when to co-parent and when it is being used to control a situation with the kids.  That can be a tennous thing in the midst of such ground shaking change in your own life, but there are things you can do to ground yourself in reality and enhance your own self awareness and skills from listening to podcasts, taking courses, or coaching and other healing modalities that will help you find the strength to help your kids move forward and become stronger through the struggle of single parenting. 

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Here are some takeaway tips that I have learned through my life path, coaching, podcast conversations and so many other healing pathways I have explored that have broadened my vision and deepened my roots so that I can parent from a place of strength.  We have a podcast coming out next week that I can’t wait for you to hear with Marcus Aurelius Higgs, a Presence Coach for parents of preteens. His SHOWUP framework was rich with wisdom and practical tools for this stage of parenting. I will say, the battle is hard fought, not always won, and I am in it every single day. The stories are from inside the arena where I struggle every day, but I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. 

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Some Questions to Ask Yourself When Evaluating Whether you are Dealing with Co-parenting or Control Issues.

• Is this an actual safety issue?  This is a tough one, my anxiety around the safety of my kids is high. Staying grounded and having good communication with your kids is key.  Keep working to ensure that your gut is strong and healthy so that your mind can make good decisions.   
• Can you be yourself in a given co-parenting situation or do you have to play to old patterns? Maybe parenting wasn’t at the core of the issue when you divorced, but for whatever reason your relationship didn’t work out, there was an element of you that wasn’t the highest version of yourself.  Keep working towards accessing that, and if you can’t find it in the presence of your ex, find your strong footing first.  Life is always evolving. 
• Are the kids' best interests put first?  Kids are not our extensions, they need guidance on their path, not to adhere to ours.  Real co-parenting will always come from the space of finding your child's highest path, and sometimes that’s going to require sacrifice on your part.  It means making hard decisions, feeling the pressure, and ultimately giving them the room to grow - but even through the struggle I haven’t experienced anything in life more rewarding. 

I’ll close with some wise words from Divorce Attorney Ann Grant from her show THE DIVORCE HACKER. 

“Don’t worry about control, kids go where the love is.”  

Her words ring true in any co-parenting or single parenting journey.  If you are in it, I’m with you. For more of my perspective on parenting post divorce check out my Divorce Hacker episode with Ann Grant and feel free to reach out because it definitely takes a village.

With optimism,

Wendy