Last weekend I took a whole hour and listened to an audio recording that my cousin made with my grandma about her life. It was recorded 20 years ago, when she was 82. She was a graceful and reserved woman and one of my life’s true heroes. She told stories of her childhood, and her service overseas in WWII as one of the first women deployed as a member of the WAAC. I loved hearing her voice again. I grew up being told I was like her, tall and Dutch, reserved but with so much quiet purpose. I hope so. When I look at my hands these days, I see hers. Although she was raised in another time, and we never talked about race, I never saw her treat anyone with disrespect and the European fight against Hitler’s troops was clearly a highlight of her life. We all need to belong to a calling bigger than ourselves.
I had another blog ready to go this week but the changing landscape of the news hit hard over the last few days. The violence and ensuing riots and destruction is heartbreaking to watch. The act of harming another human being, let alone killing someone is not just unfathomable, it’s sickening. Things are broken in a deeply systemic way and it feels disempowering, because the problem runs so deep on a societal, economic, and psychological level. But at this point, standing up against indignity and injustice and speaking George Floyd’s name is the only choice, because I am sure that from the position of privilege I was born, if I’m not saying something, I’m part of the problem. Violence is never the answer, but it is the symptom of a deep rooted problem. And when something so fundamentally wrong has been done over and over again to people who have been made to feel unsafe in their own environments, there is a breaking point…and we are seeing it.
This morning I stood in my kitchen talking with my kids about what was in the news. Skin color in my own mind and day may be irrelevant, but the history that exists around it is not. And while anyone can be prejudice, prejudice only becomes racism when one group has more power than another and uses it to oppress and harm in a systemic way. I wanted to help them cut through the defensiveness and the noise to see what they can each do in the world to affect change. There is nothing in me that condones violence on any level, and I don’t believe these riots will fix anything, but I can see how after so many years of trauma and mistreatment, the rational mind is no longer leading the charge. So, even as I can feel overwhelm creeping in on my own nervous system about how a problem so big begins to heal, I take my words with them back to what I can control and as we talked, a totally different conversation from another day entered my mind.
While we were out on a walk one day a few years back, my friend Robin asked me:
“If there were more people like you in the world, would it be a better or worse place?”
I had of course never asked myself that question before and on that day I was feeling pretty down on myself because of my own family situation. Even though it felt like a less than humble answer, I managed to answer her…
“Better.” I said, and it filled me up inside. I want to be on the side of better.
To my kids I say: try, listen, be kind, stand up for yourself, and let people be themselves without your judgment. But above all treat every human with dignity and respect.
I never want anyone that crosses my path to feel less than, fairness is at the top of my list of virtues. As people, there isn’t one of us that doesn’t want to belong or know the sting that comes from being ostracized from the group. When that feeling is embedded generation after generation, the pain that it causes is great. Belonging helps show us our purpose and our path. Not belonging can carry us far from it and allow us to make decisions that are far from our best interests.
I believe most of us want to feel empowered, to find the energy and the lack of fear to be the change. We have to believe that this problem could be made better one person at a time. We want to be on the side of better. I could sit here and try to write something that inspires massive and systemic change throughout our country, but that would leave me feeling defeated. This isn’t a problem that gets solved overnight or by one person. But I can wake up every day and be on the side of better.
To all of the moms who live with fear about your sons being out late with their friends, I can only imagine that worry, but I’m with you. To the wives worried about their husbands when they haven’t come home, I’ve been there, but when I was, I didn’t have to wonder if my husband was going to be a victim of police brutality because of the color of his skin. Until all American’s are treated the same by our justice system, there will be violence that begets violence, the rift is too deep. But what I want to do everyday with my thoughts, words, and actions, is be on the side of better. Don’t be afraid to speak up just because this isn’t your reality or you are afraid to not get the words right. The strongest case for justice and dignity needs to be made by the ones who get to sleep peacefully at night. The controversy for speaking up is nothing compared to the damage that is done with our silence.
I talk a lot about self awareness. I definitely think I was born with the introspective gene, because thoughts about how and why things work like they do and how I fit into the big picture of life have been going through my head as long as I can remember. The thing about being introspective though is that without action and challenge in life, it can turn into rumination, and turn your mind into a hamster wheel that just spins but doesn’t go anywhere.
Self awareness comes in two forms, internal and external. Internal, as the word clearly describes, is how we see ourselves from the inside out. It helps us discover our gifts and talents and what holds our interest so we can see what we want to be in life. External self awareness can be a little bit trickier in my opinion, because it is understanding the way other people in the world view us…basically ourselves from the outside in. Understanding both of these is a journey in life that never ends and its possible that we are better at one of them than the other. Giving these two equal weight is a tough one in my mind, I’m not sure I want to. I fight the urge to say it’s not as important how other people see us and more important the way we see ourselves. But there is a catch, how other people see and relate to us has an impact on where we go in life, the impact we can make, and the relationships we form with other people and I’ve discovered it’s brave to care to understand this side of self awareness. As we go through life, the most transformational leaders and the longest lasting growing relationships lead with vulnerability. It’s a quality that keeps humans connected at the most primal level. Vulnerability isn’t asking for someone to fix the things in us that are hurting, or do things for us that we can do for ourselves. What it does do is create a bond out of the human condition that we share. It seems to me that when we are younger or haven’t spent time figuring ourselves out, we run into more meanness, because being vulnerable when someone else doesn’t want to can cause them to shut down or act out defensively. But as we get older, and begin to form a tribe of people who are on their own journey, our ability to be vulnerable can both help us lead with integrity, and also uncover another layer of ourselves if we are brave enough to keep going.
As I write this, Lauren is out on another adventure. She went back to Texas to move all of her stuff out of her dorm room…it’s a tough one for these college freshman. I remember the springtime of my freshman year of college, I was just hitting my stride. The homesickness had gone away and the friendships, ones I still have today, had taken root. For her, her first beach volleyball season was underway, she had recovered from the nasty bought of mono she had in the fall, and, because we had just visited her, I could see she was hitting her stride as well. I can’t imagine having it all come to an end in an instant and moving home to mom. Of course what has come out of it for me has been a gift. Often she joins me on my nightly sunset walk that has become a quarantine ritual for me, and we talk about life, and the world, and how things work. We talk about the hard parts of being human and what we are grateful for. Over the last few years I’ve watched her learn to take challenge and let it shape her into a stronger, more aware version of herself. As she hashed out her road trip from last week, she talked with such enthusiasm about the conversations she had and the people she saw…her grandparents, her great aunt and uncle, and close family friends from different generations than hers.
“Mom, they kept saying, thanks for taking time for the old people. But I was having such a great time, we talked for hours and I could have kept talking. I love these connections.” I felt the proof of belonging, that her mind works a little bit like mine…connection for me is what it’s all about.
When I started writing The Optimists Journal, my biggest goal was generational learning, the ability to share our stories from generation to generation. I’ve learned now that the benefit works both ways, older generations get the chance to share what they’ve learned (and when we write it down, there is a record to come back to, so younger generations can take it in at their own pace) but there is also the benefit of the older generation getting to relive the experiences of their youth when they see them running through the eyes of someone that has the world at their feet…to imagine what they will do with it is invigorating and joy inducing on its own. These conversations bring us along on the journey to self awareness, both internal and external, and to me, there is no greater gift in this life. We absolutely must take the time to do it.
Writing for me has always been a journey to self awareness and as an introvert, I am comfortable spending lots of time alone. But I have a burning desire to answer the questions about myself right, or at least be aware of the answers as they change over time. I’ve discovered that process requires deep connections and meaningful relationships where I have the space to be myself, learn to risk, take meaningful constructive criticism, and be lifted up and invited in by others to share life together. I’ve been through the stages of dependency and needing, and it’s taught me a lot about how to be on my own, but the best life will always be built on connection…and I don’t intend to stop seeking it at every turn.
Happy Memorial Day. Remembering all of the Americans who gave the ultimate sacrifice so we can live freely. The things we face today would be no match for these heroes…let’s keep living to make them proud.
August 1994 - I still remember the feeling of circling in the city. There were no cell phones, I had stopped at a gas station on a busy corner to ask for directions, but the man inside at the counter only spoke Chinese. I couldn’t find my way across San Francisco to the Golden Gate Bridge so I could keep driving north. There were detour signs that led me around in circles, all a result of one of our trademark California earthquakes and I was late to meet my parents to watch my sister in the California Junior Miss Pageant. The sun was setting on what had already been a four hour drive and I was frustrated, but not scared. There is an invincibility that goes with the freedom of that age, I was 20, that went away when I had kids, but has come back in small doses in the last few years.
These days, we are thinking a lot about freedom…what it means individually and how it applies to a collective society. Who’s job is it to protect us, what precautions are ours to take to keep ourselves and others safe, what can and should the powers that be do for us to protect us from a pandemic…something that the current population, unless you are a centenarian, has never witnessed in their lifetime. The answers are varied to these tough questions and they have us on edge with each other, simply for having our own philosophy.
The freedom I feel today has less to do with what we are debating in the news, and more with the state of my own heart and mind. As an American, I’m not saying that the former conversation isn’t a worthy one, but as usual, I let my thoughts be shaped by what I can control. Yes, there is the definitive sadness of the experiences that we have lost, but the lightness I feel by not being tied to a overpacked calendar has been a source of energy for me since this whole thing started. The introvert in me has enjoyed the time at home, the less crowded streets, and time to process my thoughts and create something from them. This is a time to embrace what intrinsically motivates us, away from the constant feedback of the world.
On so many levels, I have always considered myself a creature of habit, finding comfort in the schedule and the known quantities of my days. What I have discovered in all of this lack of structure is that, while there is always room for improvement, the habits that bring me contentment and success are built by the freedom that lies in the choices I do have to shape my day with things that are truly unique and important to me. This time has given way to prioritizing what I love and it is the silver lining of this temporary normal. Routine, while it can build the consistency that every productive and fulfilling life requires, can also be stifling and limit our creativity. I’ve actually known this since I was in college. Even in those days, I was an early riser, knew I had to get my workout in, and loved to keep a regular journal with the thoughts on my mind. But right around the ninth week of each quarter, I would start to itch for change and find myself ready for a new schedule with new classes and challenges to reinvigorate me. Life is no different today, I hang on to the routine that keeps life on a steady course…paying bills, working out, writing with consistency, but at the ninth week of this great pause, we all got a little stir crazy and this blog finds me taking advantage of a less crowded schedule, sitting in the living room at my lifelong friend’s home, a six hour drive north, writing in St. George, UT.
On Tuesday, after nine weeks of quarantine, my almost 20 year old daughter got in her car and headed north. All the way up the state, she’s visiting people she loves…from her grandparents, to her friends from school that she has missed, to her great aunt and uncle and their best friends from college. As they all sat, (socially distanced) on the front lawn at their friends home in Pleasanton, generations of people were reminded of what it feels like to be young and free and find those relationships that will last a lifetime. At one point in their visit, their son, who went to college with me came through, saw Lauren, and immediately knew she was my daughter. With all of the changes and normal life that we feel have been lost, she is still getting the chance to the experience the freedom that comes with her age. I feel both the nostalgia for that time of life, and the pride that comes with watching her step into the freedom that she has earned by knowing herself and understanding the connections in her life that matter. It’s a period of our lives when, no matter how lost we get, there is time to circle the block one more time, without fear, and take note of what we see and learn. She is taking it all in and doing just that, like I did when I eventually found my way across the Golden Gate Bridge and up to NorCal to meet my parents in August of 1994. I’m sure they were worried, but when I got there, they didn’t show it. I was free, and they knew it, just like I feel with Lauren right now. The freedom to grow can never be taken away from us, and as long as we choose that path, we will never be lost.
As I wandered the aisles of Target a few days back looking for Matthew’s birthday present, a wave of nostalgia washed over me. I hardly go there anymore, but when they were little, it was an outing that passed the time and brought in the necessities. As my eyes scanned the aisles, I saw all of the phases I’ve been through as a mom…from formula and diapers, to high chairs, strollers and Thomas the Tank Engines, their little faces sitting in the cart, or Lauren’s who would always hold my hand and walk from before she was two. It’s a time so close to my heart it brings tears to my eyes but as I blink them back it feels like a different life.
This week my house became an all teenage zone. It’s hard to believe that it was thirteen years ago yesterday I came home from the hospital with Matthew to a home that I loved and three other little ones. Kate was still one, Luke was four, and Lauren was six and in afternoon kindergarten. Every time we brought a new baby home, I called it going into the tunnel. I knew I was going to be endlessly tired with a foggy brain and hormones that did not settle back into place without a fight. The hours in those days were long and there wasn’t a lot of time for reflection, it was physical work that left me tired enough to drift off to sleep sitting up in a chair. They say the pain of childbirth has a magical way of disappearing from our memory, and I agree, but after almost 20 years of parenting, the tiredness and anxiety of those early days has also faded into blissful memories. Some of them are captured on video and nothing makes us laugh harder than some Matthew footage at three or Luke talking in the kitchen when his voice was hard to distinguish from Lauren and Kate’s…that certainly isn’t the case today.
Being a mom requires bravery, usually we know the right answer, we just have to have the courage to act. The job asks us to make decisions from love and not fear, which, especially as they get older, is hard to decipher. Sometimes those decisions make us less popular today, but I trust that we will be friends when they are 40. Letting them have their freedom is part of the journey to self awareness, but how fast we let it out has such huge implications for the safety of their heart, mind, and physical body. We have to find it within us to give them that freedom to explore who they are apart from us, while providing the guidance that they are blessed to have. Without faith it would all be impossible.
I texted Matthew at the end of the day on his birthday,
“thank you for being born.”
He wasn’t with me, and although I have weathered the 50/50 storm pretty well, birthdays are always tough. He has taught me so much about staying the course, consistency is key for all of us, but his development has illustrated this rule of life for me in the most hands on kind of way. Thankfully, I know he’s safe and warm and with people who love him. In the end, all I want for my kids is for them to keep breathing, in and out, and for them to know they are loved. I let go of what I can’t control and it’s good for all of us.
In some ways, this process has made me better at letting go as they grow, whether they are with me or not. As they grow older, who they become is less and less a part of me, I am the launchpad, but each day the journey becomes more up to them and what they decide to put into it. It they can gather strength from the safety and love I provide them, they will be able to take the risks required to live their version of the fullest life. I show them how to do hard things, not because I ever want to see them suffer, but because it’s what life asks of us if we want to grow into our own greatness. If we don’t work on the realization of that greatness, our soul gets torn, just a bit at a time. It’s so small at first we don’t even notice it because our ego swoops in and puts a little patch on it. It means well, it’s just doing it’s job, but its patches aren’t bullet proof. They leave us weakened and not quite up to that greatness that is calling. Those patches aren’t strong enough to keep out self doubt or give us the strength to make that choice to leap into the next phase of life that is calling. Over time, a lot of life’s damage that ultimately needs to be repaired gets done this way, but we are always strong enough to sort it out if we are honest with ourselves.
As I finish this blog, I’ve had calls from two of my kids as they are out walking. The back and forth conversation with older kids is the best thing about this stage. Nothing makes me happier. Happy Mother’s Day. There are so many ways to fill the role. What’s best is when we can form bonds with freedom and as our truest self. Like a close friend’s birthday, I am always up for a reason to celebrate. So today, I will celebrate with you if you have little ones and you get a much needed nap. I’ll cry with you if you are missing your mom today. We grieve the loss of the loves that make the greatest imprint on our lives. Most of all my kiddos, thank you for being born and making this life the amazing place that it is. You are all exactly who you are supposed to me, I’m here to challenge you to make the most of what has always been yours, but trust that I always have your back.
Our country is awash in opinions, reds and blues, conservative, liberal, and everything in between. It’s not a new phenomenon because of COVID-19, as Americans, we have always been a diverse bunch. Our perspectives are formed from the youngest ages based on the homes we grew up in and the life experiences we have under our belt. Couple that with the algorithms on social media that funnel us to the next article to reinforce our opinion, rather than steer us toward a different perspective on an issue, and we have the makings of a country divided. I was raised in a political home, my dad held public office from the time I was seven until I was 24, but it’s that same home that taught me that America is made of many different faces, experiences, and opinions, and that was what made us great. You may not agree with everyone, but there was never a harsh or demeaning word about someone that didn’t sit on the same side of the aisle, or hold the point of view that he held. Although I hold back on politics every time I sit down to write, there isn’t a week that goes by that I don’t take in the perspectives of my favorite columnists, the weekly political roundtable on NPR, and the weekend edition of the Wall Street Journal. Point being, I’m informed, but not entrenched and I like it that way.
Realizing that we are dealing with some very diverse and serious opinions these days on big American issues like civil liberties and constitutional rights, the current state of the world, especially on social media has me thinking. How can we all be a little less activated and more able to listen when people have something they want to say. As humans, it’s in our DNA to want to connect with each other, feel understood, and be seen and heard. As I sat scrolling and reading this morning I jotted down a few of my thoughts:
1.Be humble. Before we speak, can we take the time to consider our audience and where they may be coming from. That isn’t to say make assumptions on what their opinions are or to that we should tailor our message to fit what they think. We all want space to speak our minds, but when a message is delivered with humility, and not as ‘the only way’, hearts and minds soften. Positive Psychology teaches us that perspective is a human trait that can be developed and improved upon throughout our life. We are never done learning. We need to be strong enough to form our own opinions and not be afraid to speak them, but humble enough to listen and learn when we are exposed to another person’s thoughts. There is never one way to think or do things. Opinions are not facts and if we listen without feeling threatened, it’s been my experience that we come across some amazing life stories.
2. We cannot pressure people into seeing it our way. If we are informed enough to have an opinion, it’s likely that we know at least one other argument on a subject that runs in contrast to our own. If we have the presence of mind to acknowledge at least one, if not more, different thoughts on a matter as we present our own story, it shows that we are informed and interested in learning from someone else’s experience. This is where true connection takes place and real problems get solved. We will never convince anyone to listen to our view if we are shaming them in the process of making our own point. We have to recognize that their opinion was born under other circumstances and a different upbringing or culture. They are not wrong just because they think differently.
3. If our voice can not be heard, how do our actions represent our point of view? Consider what the scene looks like if you were being interviewed but the sound was off on the TV. Imagine people can’t hear your words, but they can read your body language, and see the actions of the crowd surrounding you. Does this scene look compelling or intriguing to someone who does not share your opinion? When we speak, are we trying to create more consciousness or more division? These are honest questions to answer in our own minds before we begin to speak. Opinions are not all of nothing, maybe our thoughts will create a new middle ground…but we have to be articulate and nonjudgmental enough to allow for that to be a possibility. Presenting a point of view has a strong element of emotional regulation tied to it. Anger, fear, chaos, and shame will never bridge a divide. We have to speak and act in a way that diffuses tension and brings people out of fight or flight before minds and hearts can find common ground.
4. We can’t get our feelings hurt or be defensive if people don’t come our way. People say don’t talk politics or religion, but if I were being honest, those are some of my favorite and most life changing conversations. They just need to be discussed in open air, where everyone gets mutual respect, a chance to speak and listen, and even show emotion. We have to cultivate the skills to settle ourselves when other people have different ideas than our own that they are passionate about. We shouldn’t expect that we can show our passion if we don’t have the tolerance for another to show her own. There is no way to do that if we don’t disagree on matters of opinion sometimes. I have some beautiful relationships in this life with people who have different backgrounds and ideas than my own that have offered me my biggest opportunities for growth. Life would be boring if we all thought the same things and far less would be discovered.
In the end, we get to set our own boundaries for what we want to take in everyday in the way of opinions, stories and news. As always, we are in control of our own choices. There have been a lot of days when I silence the noise, and keep my TV’s off, choosing instead to listen to podcasts on sports and psychology. But my heart will always come back to my earliest memories of going with my parents to vote, learning to raise a flag in the flag ceremony because my elementary school principal was a Marine, and knowing that I was born in the greatest democratic experiment ever conducted. I live everyday to do that story justice and like nothing more than hearing about the stories that have brought other people to where they stand today. Those stories have gotten us this far, and we aren’t even close to done yet.
Writers read. It creates deeper thought in our brains, sparks creativity, and adds connections to our ever philosophizing minds. One of my favorite things about quarantine life is having more time to finish books and sink into articles that add more depth, challenge my beliefs and make me think. I finished Mom & Me & Mom this week by Maya Angelou, and it left me inspired to do my best job even better. To any mom out there feeling discouraged or unseen for the job that you do, I can’t recommend this book more. It will remind you of the importance of your efforts and the blessing of the bond that is ours to foster. These two women were utterly inspiring in the way they traveled their path of history and the mark their character left on this earth for others to emulate long after they left us. It is an incredible reminder in these times that human beings have foraged daunting paths before us with incredible success.
Their lives reinforced my belief that when we have the courage to be ourselves and not judge people harshly, we unleash our power to make an impact and lift others at the same time.
Here is another article that caught my eye this week. Not only do I practice social distancing, I also practice distance from the 24/7 news cycle, and Dr. Anthony Fauci is one of my few trusted outlets for solid information. Since I always like a good sports story, this one cut to the heart of my belief that sports develops character on the court that carries us through life. People often ask me, why do you send your son to a private school when there are good public schools just down the street. My life experience tells me that every child is different (I’m on my third high school with three different kids). My decisions are also shaped by my own experience, having transferred to a small Catholic high school my freshman year from a bigger public high school. It was the first great decision of my young life. The more intimate, faith based environment, changed the way I viewed myself as a person in the world, and I am grateful for and, thanks to social media, keep in touch with, the teachers and coaches who shaped this time in my life still today. San Joaquin Memorial High School gave me an environment where I felt seen and heard, and built my confidence that I had something to contribute to the world. Before this daily experience I had a hard time finding my footing in larger schools. Although my high school was a diocesan Catholic high school, my son attends Loyola High School, a Jesuit Catholic high school, like Dr. Fauci did. The philosophy of creating “men for others” is exemplified by Dr. Fauci’s life and confidence to speak truth to power, and was formed both on the court, and in the classroom, of St. Regis High School, a Jesuit high school in NYC. Knowing this way of thinking is infused into my son’s day at a formative age, along with try guidance, gives me hope that he will recognize his duty and the impact he can make on the world from a young age. I often worry that he won’t understand the place of privilege that he was born into in our society. Although he has certainly experienced some difficult times in his life, his path and the genetics that he was born with, including parents that love him, a roof over his head, financial resources, and God given talent and intelligence, make it easy to take a position of privilege for granted. Perspective is a trait that can take a lot of work and years to develop and I work on infusing it in small ways daily. Loyola has done an amazing job communicating and educating their students in this difficult period of time and I’m continually grateful for his experience.
A few days later, when I read my favorite weekly column, this quote created the connection between my thoughts about his Jesuit education and the natural advantage he has come by in this life.
“The key concept that everyone has to understand is hardship generally makes people stronger. Fear, challenge, threat, - unless they are extreme - tend to produce growth, not damage.” -
The COVID-19 pandemic is a hardship on so many levels…social, emotional, economic to name just a few. We are being forced to wrestle with feelings of loneliness and disconnection that cut to the heart of what matters most to the human experience. My heart hurts for the seniors out there that are missing the traditional conclusion of these formative years. But more and more, I see that they are in training for greater things, I hear it in conversations of gratitude and appreciation around the dinner table and in their ability to laugh even under difficult circumstances. The younger generation has the chance to let this hardship grow them in ways that will make them stronger, grateful and more self aware at a younger age…what a gift. We never know all that we can gain from heartache unless we have the courage to sink into it. The challenge in this time is have the courage to self reflect and connect the dots, and that is one of the trademarks of a Jesuit education. The lessons are here for us to come through this stronger and more united. Easter is a celebration of rebirth and resurrection. Can we know ourselves better and be inspired from within by our own sense of purpose and ability, and emerge from the time with a deeper sense of connection and purpose? If we can, our society will be a greater force for good when we emerge from the great pause.
P.S. - I realize that the WSJ requires a subscription to read these links I posted, here is the link for the introductory offer if you are interested.
I’ll be honest with you, this weeks blog almost didn’t happen, not because I didn’t write, but because I was beating myself up over the struggle to maintain my optimists lens at many points throughout the week. I had to coach myself to remember that optimism isn’t about blindly trusting everything will be the way we think it’s best, it’s about having the courage to dig deep and trust in our skills to know we can handle whatever comes at us, whether that brings immediate joy or continued growth. At many points this week, this wasn’t easy for me. From school being done for the year, to the boys volleyball season being officially cancelled, to missing the beach, the water, and volleyball, I definitely faced some challenges in the reframe. But early this morning, it came to me from a simple quote from the indomitable Maya Angelou and the conversation that became my church last Sunday as I walked my dog:
“Faith Trembles.”
Simple wisdom that brought tears to my eyes. In two words she reminded me that it is human to doubt, to lose your center and your grounding, but that we have everything we need already within us to acknowledge it and get back to our foundation, our true self. It is our human duty when we are in this place, to circle back and find our footing, because when we do, all things are possible. Listen to her story, Part 1 and Part 2, and tell me that human potential is not utterly awe inspiring.
So, being that daily normal is going through a major adjustment right now, I woke with some simple steps to manage the struggle and the household when it gets real, hope they help:
Admit When You Struggle - Let it out. This week I felt alone, a lot. Even with the kids around me, who I know are exactly who they are supposed to be, who make me laugh and bring me joy, silliness, dancing, and laughter, it’s hard not to have another adult, to talk to in the evenings. I remember what it was like, and in my saddest moments, it leaves me wanting someone else to BBQ, listen, and rub my shoulders when I’m tired…my dad is so good at this. When I talk to my parents on the phone, I’m so grateful for their experience together, there is no one on earth they would rather be sheltered in place with, and that is going on 50 years this summer. They are the greatest example of selfless love. Loneliness has been my greatest struggle and reframe this week, but just letting it out makes it feel so much better. I do have people who have my back, listen, and encourage, who make my life rich, deep, and meaningful. So I say thank you for that to them, trust that I am where I’m supposed to be, and keep moving.
Experience, Don’t Manage - With all of this togetherness, it can seem like a tentative place to express our feelings, but something that I realize I became good at as I got older, was managing life for a certain result that I believed had to happen, instead of experiencing life, expressing my feelings, and trusting that I would be ok no matter what the result. We are all strong, resilient, and have everything within us to thrive, even under difficult conditions. But management over experience looks like controlling the pace and topic of conversations, and carefully steering uncomfortable feelings away, back under the surface where they have a chance to grow roots in lower vibrations of shame and guilt, rather than bringing them to the surface so we can experience love and acceptance. Self management hesitates to speak for fear of the response or rejection. When I look back, I can see in my minds eye, and feel it as the muscles in my neck start to tense, that I was an excellent manager. I’ve changed that. From a parents perspective, and especially in these uncertain times, I want to help them figure out their feelings. Loving them best is to sit and listen to whatever arises within them and letting them know it’s ok to let it out. It’s not my job to figure out how to get it neatly tucked back in, like a freshly made bed with hospital corners…I hate it when my feet can’t get out of the sheets!
Do Your Own Dishes - Half the time, I’m living under a roof with 5 teenagers (ok, one of them is a month shy of 13, but he’s 5’11, about to pass me in size, and definitely capable, and I love having an extra one of Lauren’s teammate who is waiting to get back to Spain). I would love to say that from my earliest parenting days I have been the driver who had the patience to sit back and teach and watch as they learned. But in the earlier days, I saw serving as loving and did way too many things for them. I also saw my way as the fastest and most efficient to get things done. When it comes to kids, house work, and life skills, teaching is loving, so the dishes…and a lot more daily chores are shifting to them, so that we emerge from this struggle as a more cohesive, able bodied team.
Nap - Not feeling guilty about this! The days are giving us time to rest from traffic, from duties outside our homes, and our usual running around business. Try the power nap and see if it works for your biology. Set a timer on your phone and let yourself drift off for 20 minutes. It a game changer for active recovery and helps us manage stress and build our immune systems…two things that are on the front burner right now.
Focus on what you have, not what you don’t - Here is the reframe…this one brings my first point full circle. Say thank you out loud a lot (another tip from the Maya podcast). I’m grateful for quiet mornings and early light, my health, my kids who make me laugh until I cry, my animals who sit with me in the quiet, my tight circle of people who do, in fact, get me, the roof over my head, and the food in my fridge. There is no perfect life, but gratitude makes the present moment perfect. I’m going to do my best to stay there…and when my faith trembles, I know how to bring it back.
As I sit here this morning with the pink light rising in my backyard, my own quote is coming to mind.
“Sometimes you just need another sunrise.”
Morning is best. It’s going to be a good day.
As you read this, we are over two weeks into this thing…social distancing, slow the curve, COVID-19 and it’s all been unnerving and real on physical, mental, emotional, and economic levels. I was a homebody before, but we don’t have an end in sight, the Strand and the beaches are closed, and I miss having my toes in the sand, getting in the water, and playing volleyball. I think about it every day and let the gratitude that I feel for the life I have on regular days sink deep into my bones. As always, there are lessons and silver linings present in every difficult situation if we can find the space in our hearts and heads to sit with the discomfort. Here are my takeaways from quarantine life this week:
Optimal vs. Peak Performance - This is a difficult environment for high achievers. Whether as athletes, students, or parents, we get hooked on the feeling that peak performance brings, but without our usual environments on the court, at school, or in the office, we can’t access flow in our life as easily…everything about our routine feels off. I’ve found that shifting my focus from peak performance to figuring out what optimal performance looks like in times like these, relaxes my mind and improves my response to what is going on around me. It’s important for us to pinpoint what causes our feelings of stress or anxiety, and let go of the things we can’t control, like the stock market or the length of the quarantine, so we can treat ourselves and the people in our households well. In this situation, optimal performance doesn’t look like our daily grind, so embrace it and see if you can let go of the initial discomfort. Optimal may look much different than what you are used to, but I’ve found that it offers deep restoration for our minds and bodies if we can sit with it for awhile. Which leads to my next thought…
Quiet Streets, Quiet Mind - When was the last time the world took a collective pause, never that I can remember. By letting go of the things I can’t control, which is 99% of this situation, I’ve settled into peace that has brought deeper sleep and, with that, a quieter mind. Less hurry, less schedule, more connection, more intention…yeah, I could get used to this. What I know about myself is that my energy is precious, just like yours. I’m looking to maximize what I have efficiently. That process is actually enhanced by downtime, and right now, we have the opportunity to prioritize that like never before. There is time to meditate (try this one), power nap (set your phone timer for 20 minutes and trust yourself to drift off) and sit and talk a little longer at dinner. If these things make you uncomfortable, ask yourself why and go after the answer. I promise you’ll be stronger for finding out why..
Improving > Proving - Are you working to prove yourself or improve yourself? I took this idea from this podcast about overcoming limiting beliefs and it resonated with me. This is an incredible time to work on self improvement. Solitude gives us time to give our egos a break and learn new and different things by trial and error. Curiosity is one of the best antidotes to anxiety so what can you find to be curious about? What have you always wanted to learn? A language, an instrument, how to paint? Try something new for yourself and dance like no one is watching.
Can you feel it? The slow down feels good, deep down into our nervous systems if we let it in. Let the old state fall away and find a new efficiency to life that leads you to your path and purpose, free from the noisy hustle that ended, when we were asked to slow the curve.
Optimism is the foundation of resilience and the outlook that provides maximum energy for our days. On the most foundational level, our routines have been shaken. Our minds and bodies are looking for ways back to normal but there are actually a surprising number of ways we can still find our calm and flow. With much of the business of life being put on hold due to COVID-19, with an optimists mindset, it’s easier than ever to focus on what’s most important to create happiness and flow in our lives. Here are some simple ways to work with your brain and biology (think dopamine, serotonin, BDNF, norepinephrine, and regulating our autonomic nervous system) that are sure to boost our moods and help us find optimism in these unprecedented times.
Start A Mindfulness Practice - Instead of reaching for your phone to grab the first news of the day, either personal or global, find a comfortable place, sit upright with your feet on the floor, and let your thoughts flow. Observe them as they come, but don’t give them a judgment, just let them pass through without attaching to them. Start with even a minute or two and work up to eight (or more!). Science has shown that we start to seeing a lasting benefit at the high minute mark. A mindfulness practice allows us to create space between our thoughts and our emotions. It shrinks the gray matter in our amygdala, the fear center of our brain, and increases the size of our hippocampus making us better learners and improving our long term memory that helps us remember the good ways life has blessed us over the years. When we can separate our thoughts from our emotions, we begin to understand that we have far greater control of the shape of our days than we think. Mindfulness teaches us that everything is a choice, life is not just happening to us.
Listen to Your Favorite Music: Music lifts our spirits. It has been scientifically proven that our favorite music, the kind that gives us chills, releases a surge of dopamine in your brain lifting your spirits immediately. YouTube, Spotify, Pandora, Apple Music…pick your stream and keep it playing!
Exercise: Our brains love exercise and release all of the mood boosting neurotransmitters with a good 30-60 minute exertion. Run, walk, find the stream or app with your favorite yoga or at home circuit, or have a dance party. Follow @sohoyoga for the best teachers and at home yoga sequences! Exercise releases BDNF and norepinephrine that fight depression, endorphins that dull pain and enhance your mood, and dopamine that increases your motivation and focus. Just because the gym is closed it’s so important not to miss out on movement!
Be Creative: Color, write, paint…express yourself, let it out. This is something that is often missing from a busy work life schedule, and also something we can do with our kids. Now we have no excuse not to create. Difficult times can shape our perspective for the good if we frame the challenge as an opportunity for growth. Expressing ourselves helps us find ways to do this.
Sleep - Sleep is the foundation of our health, the base of our pyramid so to speak. It boosts immune function, creativity, and our ability to manage stress. With all of the change in routine, it is more important than ever to maintain a regular sleep/wake schedule with proper amounts of REM and Deep Sleep to keep our circadian rhythm on track. During REM sleep things that happened in our day are hard wired into our brain as memories, it’s also where we retain the information that we learned that day. Deep Sleep supports healthy cell regeneration, promotes growth and repair of tissues and bones, and overall strengthens our immune system. I use the Oura Ring to track my sleep and readiness and have learned a lot about why I feel the way I do based on the quality of sleep I get. With the data that the ring collects and gives me every morning, I can see when I’m rundown or even getting sick, even before I consciously know it, based on the readiness numbers, which may be more important than ever right now.
Find Gratitude: In this time of slow down, we need to find joy in the simple things. We can cut flowers from the yard, notice how happy our pets are to have us around, read more to our kids, and use social media as a means to spread positivity, kindness, and love. Gratitude makes it easier for us to make choices from love instead of fear and mobilizes dopamine and serotonin, making us feel happy from the inside out.
Choose News Sources Wisely: There is a fine line between staying informed and overdosing on media that sends our nervous systems into a tailspin. We have phones that will deliver breaking news to the palm of our hand, so it’s important to zero in on what keeps us current in this ever-changing environment, and what is overkill. I have chosen three news sources - one of them being ESPN which takes my mind off things and connects me with my interests and inspiration, and then let WSJ and NPR give me balanced information to bring me the news I need to be informed in this fluid situation. Choose your own news outlets based on your interests, but look for the sources that are leading with optimistic stories as well as hard news on the pandemic.
Focus on Your Strengths - It’s important that we see ourselves as our own source of strength in these isolating times. Positive psychology has been a place that taught me about the qualities I bring to this world that help me be of service and find meaning in my days. When we focus on what we are good at, our self talk, that voice in our head that speaks so loudly, is positive instead of limiting. If you want to learn more about your strengths and the field of positive psychology, take this quiz designed by the father of positive psychology, Martin Seligman, it’s always a good time to learn more about yourself.
Find Ways to Be Helpful - It’s never been easier to be helpful because the simplest things go a long way right now. A smile, patience and space in the grocery store, dropping notes of encouragement via social media or even in people’s mailboxes, and acts of kindness like shopping for others who are immune compromised help the world, but also help us tap back into that positive neurochemical flow, and fill our days with simple purpose.
Breathe - There is an abundance of information out there on how breath work activates our parasympathetic nervous system. I discovered this through yoga, but there are amazing ways we can improve our immune function and bring calm to our minds and bodies with breathing exercises. My favorite exercises are taught by Brian McKenzie @powerspeedendurance. Check it out for ways to regulate your stress response and improve your immune function at the same time.
Optimism is the backbone of resilience, something we find ourselves in need of more than ever today. It’s the only outlook that boosts both our mood and our immune response. Optimists are contributing to the greater good, now more than ever, in a time when we are called upon to be part of the solution. There has never been a better time to train your optimists lens, for yourself and everyone you support from a distance. Sleep, Move, Breathe and this too shall pass.
I still remember crying outside my high school gym, my thumb in a cast after surgery my senior year, while everyone else practiced. In the third and last preseason tournament of the year, I dove for a ball and my thumb got caught between my body and the floor and I tore a ligament that required surgery within 48 hours of the tear or I would lose the mobility in my thumb. I missed my entire senior season. That’s just my own little story of loss, that few people remember or know about at this point of my life, but at the time, it felt monumental to me. Life moved on and that injury taught me about my love for sports and movement, especially volleyball. It only made a comeback in my mind this week as I reached for an optimists lens while watching my kids deal with the disappointment that they feel over the cancellation of games, in Lauren’s case the rest of her season, and Kate’s over the loss of two Broadway plays we had tickets for in the next few weeks because of the COVID-19 protocols. We are definitely having a hard time finding our flow around here but they are discovering what means the most to them as individuals on the deepest levels.
Today’s story is one of historic proportions, not just a story from my life. Because of the social distancing and the quarantine feel of the instructions we are encouraged to follow, there is a feeling of collective loneliness that hits hard. I have always kept a running tab of the news stories that have shaped my consciousness, the big ones always pull on the threads of safety and even mortality, but had a way of rallying us together as a nation…I’m confident this one will be no different. My earliest memory was of Reagan being shot, then Libyan air strikes in 1986, the Challenger Disaster, Operation Desert Storm in 1992, and of course 9/11 to name a few of the “I remember where I was when…” historical events that have shifted perspective in my life. Being part of a collective conscious has a responsibility that is still sinking in. It’s easy to be helpful and supportive when things are humming along, business as usual, but how we choose to respond when the deck is stacked against us is the real measure of how humanity comes through difficult circumstances. In a matter of weeks, my mindset has gone from:
“Why is the media trying to panic everyone?” to “This is serious, everyone get on board and lets slow this train down.” The story is so much bigger than the games and events we miss. The optimist in me says that we have the power to change the curve on this pitch we’ve been thrown if we react with proper caution. This was one of the articles that shifted my thinking:
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/11/science/coronavirus-curve-mitigation-infection.html
It feels eerie out there. I caught my last yoga class yesterday before the email came in that my studio is closing for a minimum of two weeks. The weekend that looked packed from beginning to end with my own tournament, two high school rivalry games, a travel tournament, and an event with my favorite inspirational author Ann Lamott were all striped from the calendar and suddenly the weekend turned into a sea of nothing with a lot of time to think, but a mind that couldn’t seem to focus…not to mention online learning that starts for all four of them, including a college student, by Monday morning. The uneasiness is sitting right under the surface, so I’ve had to remind myself of a few things that my mindfulness practice and my faith have taught me, but seem a little further from my grasp in some of these moments.
Stay Present: Find calm and rest in the quiet. Let go of the things that are out of our control, and that feels like so many things right now. In this moment, we are ok. We don’t know the answers of how long this will last or how challenging it will get. These are unprecedented times for all of us and we need to work to do the best we can with the information we have, without letting it spin our minds out of control. While I am practicing social distancing, I am also practicing media distancing. I take in news articles and short media segments, but the 24/7 isn’t going on at my house. When I project forward, I feel the anxiety rise up, and that isn’t going to change anything. I’m grateful for the faith I have to catch me in the moments where I feel my calm slipping away. Yes, there is comfort in routine and it is unnerving when that is taken away, but there is greater peace in the present knowing that I am a small piece of a much bigger plan and I’m still more than capable of doing my small part to better a difficult situation. That starts with my own mindset and habits. There is time to focus on the little stuff and in my life, so I’m going to work on getting that right.
Sharpen intrinsic motivation: I’ve always been aware of and grateful for the motivational boost that I get from a solid community. It’s why I enjoy being a part of a team, group exercise, and connection with other people. But this time of social distancing gives us an opportunity to dive deep and see where our own motivation lies, without feeding off of other people and their ideas. With all that has unraveled, and the uncertainty in the air, I’ve struggled this week to tap into that strength in solitude and have had to coach myself to bring it back around. We can’t stop the routine, we just have to find different ways to get it done. That means rolling out my yoga mat at home more often, getting out to feel the sand under my feet alone, and taking the time that has been created by the lack of scheduled events to dive deeper and learn more in the areas where my passions lie, so that when we emerge from this, I will be steeped in greater knowledge for the life comes at me. There is time to read, write, and parent with greater intention, but if we let fear and uneasiness take over, none of those things can happen.
Embrace Solitude: As someone who has always valued alone time, this is actually what I have struggled with the most. Single parenting is hard, when things get quiet or your mind is stirring on the right way to address something, there isn’t someone to collaborate with or bounce your perspective off of. The absence of a school community, a yoga community, and social gatherings with like minded people, what used to feel like the gift of solitude starts to feel too quiet very quickly. This takes me back to the slow down, and the lessons I’ve learned on my mat. Bring it back to your breath, feel the calm and let the creativity and ideas flow so we are ready to come back stronger for the next chapter. I have to believe this too shall pass…but quicker if we all find our own quiet corners.
Despite the lack of clarity today and the gaps in leadership, everything in my optimists spirit tells me we will emerge stronger from this struggle we face today. My prayers are that it is sooner than later, with the least amount of health and life taken from this earth. Until then, I hope we can find the calm and collective spirit that I felt at the store as I stocked up this morning. Shelves empty, but people who were calm and settling their nerves by telling their stories. This is how we beat collective loneliness, we are in this together, even if it has to be at a distance.
Fallow: Farmland plowed and harrowed but left unsown for a period of time in order to restore its fertility as part of a crop rotation
When I look at my roots and my path, it makes a lot of sense that my oldest child ended up in Texas playing beach volleyball. It suits her, and me, not that that really matters, but it makes for a great weekend to visit and restore my memory bank. There is nothing better than a college campus on a Friday afternoon. Lauren and I trade country music songs back and forth almost weekly on our family Spotify and she’s been my Stagecoach date since her sophomore year of high school. She has the tenacity and the grounded nature of the heavy clay and the live and let live approach to life that feels like the light sand that we both love to have under our bare feet. She’ll be 20 in July, almost incomprehensible to me, and yet her self awareness and clarity of what she wants from her life assures me that this is indeed the case.
I often marvel at the work my kids put into school and sports. The two who are either in college or college bound have managed to have higher GPA’s than I did and have gotten farther in their sports careers, earning scholarships and awards that of course make me proud. This is sounding like a bragging session but bear with me because I’m getting to a contrasting point. While there is nothing more rewarding than watching your kids succeed, there is something that I want to impart to them about the process, because, as they find their flow in life, I want them to see recovery, whether from failure, or extended periods of hard work, as an integral part of their game. Struggle and grind are a part of the process to achieve flow, but there is an equal need to restore our bodies and minds, and learning to make that a part of life’s best practices is a harder lesson to learn than it sounds.
In the world today, I talk to so many people, from kids all the way to adults, who struggle with anxiety, physical overuse injuries, and overloaded nervous systems, in fact I’ve been there myself which makes it easy to empathize and recognize. There is an ethic built around hard work, one that people of past generations instilled, that, while admirable on so many levels, can cause build up of some pretty intense feelings, symptoms, and inflammation in our bodies that shorten our life spans, lead to addictions, and take away from the joy we feel in the moment when we are living on purpose. When we don’t deal with that tension, we end up using too much energy trying to control things outside of ourselves rather than using our energy to create experiences in our lives that are uniquely meant for us.
The truth is, although we are born to belong, not one of us was born to fit in.
One of the best lines that I learned from Luke when he was still very little and I would be rushing around, unaware of my own heightened and hypervigilant senses was:
“Mom, don’t stress, it’s not going to change anything.”
Wise words from a little one that are far easier stated than practiced. Nonetheless, it was one of my first indicators that I needed to bring my level down and I began seeking out ways to do that for my mind and body, as well as for the energy I was giving off to the people around me. How could I channel more calm?
In farming row crops, as my family has done for 70 years and three generations, it is customary to fallow a field every couple of years. During this time, the field that has produced bountiful crops for the past two or three years gets a chance to rest and restore itself to its fertile nature because the past years crops have depleted its soil nutrients. We are the same. We need time to rest and rejuvenate. For us, that comes in the way of relationships that build us up, mindfulness practices, breathing exercises that bring us out of fight or flight, healthy food, sleep regimens that give our minds and bodies a break, and so many other practices that I employ these days as I work for a life that creates deep meaning, connects people, and makes an impact.
This connection between recovery and work swam through my brain this morning as I played volleyball and I was having one of those days where movement and vision were in sync and the gratitude I felt for this life felt like it could pierce the pure blue sky above me. Since I was about Lauren’s age, exercise has provided me a place to push my limits, feel strong and accomplished, and exhaust the worry so the 2am demons don’t wake me in the night. I’ve swam and run more miles, lifted weights, spiked volleyballs and poured buckets of sweat in hot yoga to get that endorphin high that is so addicting. But as life and years catch up with me, finding ways to beat fatigue, injury, and inflammation, so I can have as many of these moments of flow in my life as possible, require rest and recovery, and my own human version of fallowing becomes an integral piece of my puzzle.
While I want to teach my kids all about hard work by setting a good example of what that looks like, I also want them to know that its not ALL about the grind, we have to take the time to restore ourselves. Although balance may be an illusive concept for anyone who is trying to squeeze every drop out of life, there is something so rich in the recovery, the fallowing, that can’t be ignored…the question is will we slow down enough to listen and feel the promise of greatness that lies in the stillness.
“Clay holds tight to what is put into it, in its case water and nutrients, but sometimes too tight, not allowing it to drain and the root gets suffocated. Sand retains the least amount of water, is also easily replenished, but often what is important to growth leaches out very quickly, so it needs additions and attention in a very steady supply.” - The Optimists Journal “What Lies Beneath our Feet”, Oct 20
Whether growing humans or growing plants, I believe that most of us try our best to drive toward the light and bloom where we are planted. As people, we have no control where we are born or who we are born too. I remember watching the news as a little kid and feeling this absolute sense of relief that I was born in California, because it looked to me like some seriously scary things were going on in Beirut and the Gaza Strip. Years later as I raised my own kids I started turning off the news because of the terrible stories that activated Matthew’s over active imagination. There are such vast differences in our individual experiences and sensitivities, many things that seem unfair that we have to find a way to make sense of, or choose to move forward even when we can’t, and yet there is so much connection in what we all long for as human beings…to be safe, seen, loved, belong, and be understood for who we are. Before we have even had the chance to step out and begin our formal education process, life has already begun to mold our outlook and our sense of security with situations that were out of our control, but that set us up for many of our decision patterns in life. Early life is spent learning and while I believe that a beginners mind is a key to longevity, later in life it becomes our decision how we will handle the unlearning of some of these lessons that caused us too much pain.
I have been blessed to have the benefit of my roots in the heavy clay of the central valley (on our ground, with the occasional sand strata running through it on the west side of the ranch) and the experience of my toes in the sand which now what feels like a good part of my adult life, based more on perspective and growth than actual years spent here. I see human nutrients as the fruits of the spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. These human nutrients can also be summed up in every person born on this earth by positive psychology character traits that make up our personality. While life at the beach can seem relaxing, it’s still life, and there are a lot of people living it and, where I happen to be, they are usually living it at a pretty fast pace. When it gets crowded and quick, I have to remind myself to lift my eyes and my smile and still reach out for that human connection, that brings the kindness and compassion to the stories going on around me.
When a farmer has sandy soil, he has to amend it with organic matter to increase its holding capacity for the nutrients that will make his crops grow strong. On the human side of things, there is a shorter four letter word we often use for organic matter…sh#t. These are the things that get flung at us, sometimes that we had a burning gut feeling were coming, and others that blindside the heck out of us. Either way these are the experiences that produce the struggle, and no matter how much we hate it, the struggle is an inevitable and, if we allow it, rich and strengthening part of the journey. More often than not, life’s organic matter looks and smells like sh#t, its the heartbreak, the word no when we want to hear yes, the bruised ego, the fear of the unknown that wakes us in the middle of the night, the hesitation when we know we should act, and the debacle that is caused when we act before we think. I’ve learned that the trick is to let the organic matter, the sh#t of life, allow me to find and hold onto the nutrients that make me grow, like my roots that are planted in the heavy clay. I can let my heartbreak teach me more about forgiveness, my bruised ego foster more perseverance, or a failure manifest optimism that better days are ahead. It’s in this give and take that I can turn struggle into growth and strength and help me see that life is a series of my own choices that end up telling my story… the sh#t is the teacher and my outlook the narrator.
