I write every day, and yet this week, I’ve done a lot more living than writing. Leading up to Thanksgiving, I got a little sideways and pulled away from the present moment taking in too much news and trying to decide what was “right” or “wrong” about going to see my parents. It had been five years since we spent Thanksgiving with them and for a few days it felt like it was going to be another year past. So before the latest round of stay-at-home orders, with negative COVID tests in hand, part of us traveled by plane, masks on, through mostly empty airports, and the rest by car, and all made it safely to see my parents. Barring a positive COVID test, now that I think about it, nothing was going to stop us, but I will admit that 2020 has made me much better at making decisions on the fly…and I’m convinced that we made the right one.

There is nothing that makes you more proud to be a Californian than traveling on our coastline, there is truly nothing like it in this entire world, and Pebble Beach is some extraordinary footage. As always, travel gives me takeaways that I tuck away, things to think about, learn from, and be grateful for. 

So here are my Thanksgiving takeaways from this beautiful trip:

• After so many years watching over them, I am thankful to have reached the point to get to sit back and just watch...the four of them are so different, and they blend together in the greatest ways. They joke with each other, support each other, enjoy each other, annoy and roll their eyes at each other - and me when I want to take the 1000th picture - but at the end of the day, I get to go to bed and read my book and they handle the rest. To the mom’s out there, you get it, the younger days are physically intense, traveling with blankets, strollers, bottles, baths in weird places and beds they won’t sleep in...it feels like yesterday, and yet we have blown past it. Now we all travel independently, one bringing a friend (loved having you Ricky) and one leaving early to go see friends before he heads off to quarantine with his team (newsflash, that got scratched at the 11th hour and now he’s home for at least another three weeks) and it’s all good because that’s what connection is all about:) The amazing thing for me is that there is energy to spare at the end of the day to do new and exciting things and for that I am so thankful. 

• Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed.. For so long, I felt guilty for the blessings I have in my life, I allowed myself to feel less than deserving of them. I’ve even had people write me and say “of course you can be optimistic, living where you live, having what you have.” But I realize now, especially after this year, we never know what’s coming or when things could change in an instant, so why would I waste a minute feeling bad about the good of now and not take full advantage of every moment? Have you ever felt less than worthy of a moment or circumstance in your life?  If you feel me on this one, I urge you to give it up and accept that every gift you have been given is there for a reason, so use it to elevate and do something great. The trick is to stay present and drink it all in, back it up with a solid routine to keep it moving forward, and if you hit a speed bump, know that you are adaptable and will be able to make the changes necessary to survive. Whatever is outside of my control isn’t for me to worry about. Sometimes those forces have led to incredible blessings in my life, other times huge challenges. But it’s the only life I’ve got, so I’m going to Live it Well…with no guilt, and facing fear, letting it inform, but never giving it the reigns -  and let the chips fall where they may. 

• When you have something you love to do, do it for as long as you can, and don’t stop trying to get better at it. For me this applies to all areas of my life - writing, parenting, relationships, coaching & sports.  This is what leads to the connections with people who are on the same quest to make life great, and as you move through life, you end up with these connections all over the state, country, and even the world. Saturday, before we boarded the plane home, I got to play four games of volleyball with players who’s ages ranged from 15-62. Then I got to meet up with another favorite person in my life - a no social media having bright, professional, and accomplished mom from my earlier days of parenting. We talked business, relationships, politics, sports, Jesuit educations, and parenting. This was the day it could happen, and we made sure that it did. Some oppotunities only come up on certain days, some things feel like that may happen again next week, but there is no guarantee. We are alive now, and there is gratitude and celebration in that just that one fact.

I’ve spent the better part of my life fearing something...not feeling like I was good enough, trying to judge what other people expected of me instead of making my own plan, worried that I would fail, or thinking I was not tough enough to take it when life takes a difficult turn. But leveling up means meeting your own story head on and teaching the next generation with the power of what you have learned. I’ve learned I can be respectful and still have my own opinion, I’ve learned that I am ok if you don’t agree with me even though I hope you will try to understand if our points of view are different.

I ’m grateful that we took the chance and took this trip because I got to fit in what makes me feel most alive, and now we come home to a place where they are trying to take that choice away again. There is social distancing, and there are masks, washing hands, and good common sense, but I’m worried about kids not being in school and what that is doing to their education level for years to come. I’m worried about college kids not being engaged academically, socially, and athletically at at time in their lives when there are so many harmful things pulling on their idle time. I’m worried that the unintended consequences of keeping people locked in their homes are going to have a higher death rate than this virus itself. But most of all, I’m worried about people being so afraid of dying, that they are scared to death to live…because this life can be made into a beautiful place when we choose to live in the moment and meet it with breath, movement, and gratitude. To take one more quote out of Greenlights (one more time, go buy this book) I’m ready, despite what 2020 and LA County have to say about it, to just keep livin’. 

Sending love, optimism, and wellness,

Wendy

At least if we are going to find ourselves at home more this holiday season, there is a new double album from Morgan Wallen. Loved this Release Radar this week -Somebody’s Problem - isn’t life all relative anyway?

I’ve said before in my writing that what we learn in black and white when we are younger helps us process the shades of gray that are inevitable as life goes on. I have been reading Greenlights, the new memoir by Matthew McConaughey this week and I came across a page titled “Conservative early, Liberal late.”  This page, having nothing to do with politics, was full of quotable wisdom. I highly recommend you go out and get this book, read it, and then give it to someone younger than you for Christmas.  But I’m still going to share a few of these golden nuggets with you in case you don’t.

“Create Structure so you can have freedom.”

“Map your direction so you can swerve in the lanes."

“Creativity needs borders. Individuality needs resistance. The earth needs gravity. Without them there is no form. No art. Only chaos.”

Yes! These are the things that are at the heart of the black and white that I was getting at in my own quote. The foundation of a happy life is built on discipline, planning, and consistency and only then can we reap sustainable rewards of spontaneity, freedom, and the ability to carve our own unique path. I often find that the things I think about show up in other people’s stories.  I used to sabotage myself with the “it’s already been said, it’s already been done” mentality, until I started to see the beauty of how the hero's journey plays out on a thousand different stages with many characters and settings…but the themes stay true to the human experience. 

This Thanksgiving week,  my mind is focused on the incredible power of gratitude to change our perspective and mood on just about anything.  This year has been incredibly challenging on a physical, mental, and emotional front for everyone.  I’ve written a lot lately about mental health, especially for our younger generations, in the wake of COVID19. The times are showing us that we need to dig a little deeper and not be frail in the face of the adversity we face.  The question I find myself asking at this point is have we had the training? Do we know how to find our footing? Did we get enough conservative early to earn our liberal late? Toughness is a concept that needs to be modeled, it’s not something that can be preached without action, and in modern day life, with all its bells and whistles, and in California culture, it is easier said that done. Everything, at any age, is relative. If we haven’t been forged by the fire thus far, and then 2020 smacks us in the face, how do we ground ourselves enough to stay present and push through?  Although we need to meet people where they are today, we also need to communicate and model the strength and resilience that is built into being human that only gets sharpened when the going gets tough…that sometimes we have to do what we don’t want to do, and we have to be challenged to understand that we are indeed strong enough to handle it. No one I know is doing that better than Joe…keep inspiring us and getting better, your strength, attitude, toughness and faith are the model of toughness.

2020 has taught me to dig a little deeper and know with even greater certainty that it does take an abundance of presence and pressure (combined with grace) to move goals closer to fruition. I’ve learned to appreciate the beauty of being a “late bloomer”, because I’ve taken my time to learn the truths about myself and the way I see the world in a deep and connected way. At 45, I feel better than when I was 30, because my memory is sharp and my mind, body, and spirit are healthy. I understand how I function, almost down to a cellular level. I’ve been motivated by love to learn about these things, first because I wanted to help Matthew’s cells learn to communicate better, and now because I want to last 105 years to be able to do all the things I want to do and watch the people I love get to do their things too. 

As I watched Matthew drag his board and his long, lanky, self out of the water this morning after a shoeless hike down the cliff and an hour and a half of surfing, I realized that I still have a lot of toughness training to do, to teach him to feed himself with the right things to be both tough enough and more loving on himself, to learn to be a critic so he can see where he needs to grow, and also be his own greatest admirer. I’m still squarely in the parenting arena to teach conservative early…and grateful this Thanksgiving week that I get to experience the taste of liberal late, and optimism always. Happy Thanksgiving, enjoy your families…whether in person or in this crazy virtual experience we are all living, we are connected by our stories, and in the end, they are more alike than different.

* This is the song that came to mind as I wrote this blog…one of these days, I’ll bring something that’s not country, but it may be awhile:)

In my home, I have a dog, two cats, and a turtle…sometimes four kids, right now it’s three, and technically if these times would cooperate with us a little more, I’d be down to two. Half the time it’s no kids and no dog and it gets a whole lot quieter, which for a short time can make for a good recovery session, but I can’t imagine life without them all filling my days.  As far as the animals go, the little cat eats the dog food, the dog eats the cats food, the big cat is after the turtle food (he literally tries to knock it off the shelf to get it open) and most of the time, I  feel sorry for the turtle because it seems lonely to me in his isolated tank.  All of this has taught me more than two things about myself and life, but the two I’m thinking about this morning are that:

• Being adaptable is incredibly important.

• In the words of Brent Taylor (who’s daughter’s words made last weeks blog) “We are all 95% the same, we just view life through different windshields.”
  I’m paraphrasing here because those two sentiments came over the course of an evening I spent with them last weekend, and those words bridged a gap of wisdom for me through great conversation that help give me comfort in these times we are dealing with.
  From the people I talk to, to the texts I get, to the thoughts in my own head, the pressure out there is real. It seems that we all feel isolated, both for physical and emotional reasons. We are challenged to decide what is the right move to make, what is best for us, what is selfish and endangering others, what is steeped in fear based mentality, and what is actually benevolent. I say all of this as my oldest tested positive for COVID this week and is in her own isolated bubble, as are other athletes on her team. She is strong, asymptomatic for the most part, and I am confident that both mentally and physically she will be ok. But, through all of this, my honest thoughts are that my weariness is coming from the fear based mentality that has grown since March and I don’t think that raising multiple generations of kids to be scared is in anyones best interests.

  When we started this pandemic walk together back in March, we had so little information, we didn’t know how it was going to move through our society. I know that the worst case scenario in my head was gymnasiums and hospital ships filled with sick, and worse, dying people, and that we had to lock it down to keep this scary scene from happening. As time has gone on, we have lost many, and I’m not saying that’s ok, but we have also learned about how this virus affects different segments of our population. In large part, young healthy people are not at risk of dying, and even for middle age healthy people, the risk isn’t great enough to shut us down and risk all of the extenuating effects that isolation and fear create in our society.

  According to a June 2020 survey from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention of 5,412 US adults (shared with me after a new connection read my blog on the effects that COVID has had on student/athletes mental health) found that 40.9% of respondents reported “at least one adverse mental or behavioral health condition,” including depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress, and substance abuse, with rates that were 3 to 4 times the rates 1 year earlier. Remarkably, 10.7% of respondents reported seriously considering suicide in the last 30 days. The sudden interpersonal loss associated with COVID-19, along with severe social disruption, can easily overwhelm the ways individuals and families cope with bereavement. -JAMA Study

  That alarming statistic makes me believe even more that we are not doing our best when we come in with a one size fits all approach to living life with this pandemic in our midst.

I realize that just by making that statement, I will ruffle probably more than a few feathers of people I respect and hold dear. I realize that there are many people who I respect and love who wouldn’t have traveled to Utah last week like I did to attend an outdoor concert and visit old friends, but man, it felt good, healthy, and alive.  The windshield of my life has cracks in it made by substance abuse and suicide and I can’t support an approach that creates secondary trauma like what is described in that survey and what I have witnessed as part of my own experience.  When I was in Utah last week, the Governor came on TV at 9:30PM on Sunday evening with an emergency address, letting citizens know that cases were climbing again and he was mandating masks when you leave your home statewide, and banning large gatherings of any kind.  But what he didn’t do was shut down schools or businesses.  The pandemic is real, but so are the social, emotional, and academic needs of our students if we want to produce a healthy next generation and, right now, from what I experience in my own home, we are not getting our chin above the bar. They are not learning on Zoom what they learn in a classroom. In addition, striving American families (included in that is anyone who needs to work to maintain their standard of living) need to be able to work and create opportunity for themselves and the people who work for them, there is no amount of bailout money from Washington that is going to physically and psychologically support able bodied humans who are used to being in control of their own destiny, even though there is no escaping the short term effects on commerce that this pandemic has and will continue to have.  Beyond that, we have the ability to deliver love and any worldly goods necessary for the people who need to stay home.

We are adaptable. We must have the agency to assess risk and innovate, because having agency over our own lives is an essential component of maintaining our optimism about our road ahead.

It is true, nothing shakes our foundation more than the fragility of life. In many ways we have been forced to confront it this year with the pandemic, I also remember sitting in a very silent space after Matthew’s accident in 2009, and last week I confronted this space again as a dear friend, a young man just outside the circle of my own kids, was in a terrible car accident and is in Texas fighting like a champion and empowering others to do the same with his faithful, strong, and hopeful spirit.  He is teaching others what real bravery looks like in the face of immense and incomprehensible tragedy, and showing us how to walk the road, no matter what it looks like, with faith instead of fear.  His journey reminds me that there are no guarantees in any day, that we have to make the most of every moment, that there is no perfect life, and that judgment of others is a waste of our time and energy because most of us are doing the best we can with what we know.

Being human is a risk in itself, the beauty is that we have

the capability to adapt and handle it. 

I sit here today, perplexed by the state of our country, even though I spend so much time trying to figure it out.  Knowing in my heart how hard I have worked on my own state of mind to not show up timid and fearful of what the world is about to throw at me, and work hard to improve the view out of my own windshield so that I can give my kids a better ride.  It’s becoming more clear to me that the ride doesn’t need to be easy, without any potholes, they just need a sober driver with a love instead of  fear based approach to risk. So I trust my gut and try not to second guess myself, knowing that loving something, whether life itself or the people in it, requires great risk.  My favorite quote this week from one of the books on my bedside table is: 

“ Wellness isn’t a state of being, it’s a state of action.” 

            - Burnout - The Secret of Unlocking the Stress Cycle

I’m fairly certain that the authors wouldn’t agree with a lot of the things I have just written, but I still love their book, and writing is one of the many things I do to complete the stress cycle.  I’m empowered this week to continue on my own journey of wellness, complete with growing kids, confused animals, country music, lots of volleyball, looking out my own windshield, and beating fear with kindness, love, gratitude, and faith…and praying that grace will be extended to me in the places I am wrong.  Joe we are praying and fighting with you all the way for a full recovery.  Stay strong, you are the embodiment of the strength the world needs so much right now.

P.S. - Most every Friday, I listen to my Release Radar on Spotify because I am in awe of artists and songwriters and the chills they bring to me every day. Most weeks there is a song that speaks to me and helps me understand myself and the world a little better.  When I find one, I decided I’m going to start including it here.  Take a listen to these genius lyrics from Eric Church.

Photo Credit: @ralphkaden on Upsplash

I don’t have a coherent story for you this week, because sometimes life just can’t be pulled together to make sense. What I know for certain as I write this is that there is risk in every moment of our lives. It’s the hardest thing about being a parent…worrying about how to keep them safe, or how we keep ourselves safe so we can be here for them. I also know that worry doesn’t change a thing...so we have to learn to breathe, accept, and stay present because the alternative robs us of the very essence of what it means to live. If you are a praying person, or a healing person, or a sending positive vibes kind of soul, please send them to this sweet, funny, charismatic young man, Joe Radanovich.  He’s is in a hospital in Texas after a tragic car accident on Thursday. I believe in miracles and I’m praying for one. He is a dear friend and we love him so much. 

In light of where my heart is this week, I don’t want to talk about the election or the state of the dialogue in our country. But these words were shared with me on election night and I asked her then if I could share them with you, so I’m going to let a 13 year old girl whom I love do it for me: 

“Seeing how we have been calling each other names (on both sides) has really upset me. 60ish years ago there were 3 things people never talked about, money, religion, and politics, and now those 3 topics have been completely normalized especially by the youth.  Why is someone verbally harassed because of who they agree with (from both sides). You can agree and believe whatever you want. This is a free country. But when you are telling someone what they should believe or what they believe is wrong, even putting them down for what they believe in or ending relationships because of different views is just straight up and down wrong. We are human beings. And disagreements are going to happen, and that is healthy, but what this has come down to is truly disgusting.  What the whole entire world has been through this year is unbelievable. And we started off as a team, “in this together”. What happened to that? What happened to helpfulness, love, peace, UNITY! We were united! And that was beautiful! Does anyone miss that? I certainly do.  Please, everyone is nervous. So be kind. Be understanding. And put others before yourself.  Because we are setting the example for the next generation.”  - text message from Allie Taylor, 13 shared with me and sent to her friends on election night

I share this because it sums up coherent intelligence and child like innocence in the best and most real way.  I love how she talks about setting an example for the next generation at the sweet age she is…she’s already a leader. It reminds me that they need to be allowed to grow in safety and love and stay kids for as long as they can. With the way American families struggle, social media, and a 24/7 news cycle the world presents today, it is completely unlike what I experienced in my generation.  Idealism deserves it’s time to settle into the hearts of children before they have to take the seriousness of life and issues on their shoulders the way we carry them as adults. I wasn’t shielded from political discussion growing up, but I certainly wasn’t traumatized by it. Yes, they are influenced by all that is going on around them, but they are smart, they’ll figure it out, we don’t have to force them down one road.  We just have to make them feel safe, and loved, and like nothing about their inherent worth depends on politics.

Like Allie, I’m tired of the way we talk to each other to sell air time and get people to click through. I still have a little of that child like idealism left in me, but find myself needing to turn off the news to hang on to it. Power structures in the world feel like a necessary evil at this point, they feel so broken and distorted. There is more change to be made one on one, with real human connection.  It’s the reason I stop at Starbucks in Hermosa most days after I play volleyball…it’s more for the conversation and connection than for the coffee itself.  Usually, I can find my friend Jason sitting outside, researching and educating himself on the issues of the day and prepping for his next podcast (you should check it out).  He has an intelligent voice that real, raw, and full of life experience. And he’s one of the only people, besides my dad, that I want to talk about the state of the world these days. Besides, where else can you find volleyball and current events in the same place? He makes a thousand friends and he introduced me to a few of them the other day as we chatted by saying:

“she has new school empathy and an old school work ethic.”

Thanks Jason, that was one of the coolest compliments I received in awhile…and I’m going to run with it because all I know to do today is keep caring and keep working so that we can create stories that matter, and inspire the next generation to be better too.

We all have the ability to be the strong ones, the brave ones, the ones who work a little harder and care a little more.  So let’s credit our differences to uniqueness and push to make regular life great, because you never know when your whole world will be changed in an instant.  Love you Joe Rad, praying for healing miracles. 

Most of the people I come across and work with these days are hard charging, type A, goal oriented people who are trying to squeeze the most out of every day. No matter what their role in life, from athletes, to parents and students, they are grinding it out to make the greatest impact in their jobs and lives. But what most of us don’t realize, or can just be a hard pill to swallow, is that as high performers, we are being asked to conquer the recovery process too so that we can keep doing what we do for longer, with greater success, more fulfillment, and better relationships with people that add much needed human connection in our lives. It’s all possible because when we honor our minds and bodies with the care they need, we are more productive, connected, and find more flow in our days than when we fill every moment with work.

Sometimes for high perfomers, recovery is the work, and we need to give ourselves the permission to do it. 

I’ve been called  Zen Mom, a graceful *ss kicker, and I wish I had a dollar for every time someone asked me how I stay so calm. What I know is that my calm used to be a veil and a management tool that luckily led me down the path of asking the big questions about how to make it real and heal from past traumas, instead of burying my feelings which leads to more discomfort and usually down a path to addiction that makes our lives more out of control.  It was from this place of pain, striving, and discontentment that my intuition led me to a yoga mat, a practice I must have tried five times between the ages of 30-40 that I just couldn’t get to stick. I had all but figured it wasn’t for me and then at my lowest point I found the magic of breath to movement and it set off regeneration in me that led to me to dive deeper into the why of active recovery practices that enhance healing and high performing lifestyles. Yoga and breath work healed in big and small ways, like removing that tiny pebble in your shoe that you can walk with but is causing constant discomfort.  I’ve heard it said that living with unresolved trauma is like holding a brick in one hand and trying to do all the heavy lifting yourself, credit to @intrinsicway for this beautiful analogy, because this was definitely true for me. But these realizations have helped me uncover knowledge and helped me create a beautiful healing community that weaves it’s way through my days, shows me a safe space to learn more about myself and help others do the same. These healing elements, both internal and external that are available to us, help us learn how to down regulate and befriend our nervous systems. And guess what? All of this “chilling” makes us happier, more efficient and productive than if we put our heads down and try to work straight through.

When grace becomes a part of high performance, we are far less likely to succumb to overwhelm, exhaustion, and burn out, and learn to reframe perfectionism when it rears its ugly head.

Intuitively, I have always known this, it’s what makes me rise early in the morning to get that slice of quiet before the noise starts trickling in. But learning the science behind recovery is what makes me feel healthier at 45 than I did in my 30’s. It motivates me to focus on my sleep, hydration, movement, and nutrition because of how these things relate to my creativity, and connection with others. When I was younger, I didn’t know how to be kind to myself and the answer to find calm evaded me as I keep trying to do more to please others and ended most days exhausted and yet knowing deep down I was missing something that couldn’t until I learned to balance my nervous system with rest and recovery.

As I press forward into the world of high performance, I continue to learn about the multifaceted ways recovery brings calm to our systems and connection to our relationships because we are in a state to sit comfortably in our own bodies and listen and offer insight, instead of being distracted by what is ahead or behind us.  Just discovering the magic of presence is curative in itself.

My piqued interest in the recovery and self care process helped me find a new book called Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle.  Did you know that positive social interaction is one of the easiest ways to signal to our brain that the world is a safe place.  Pre-pandemic, when there were many situations that offered us interaction with others, I didn’t fully appreciate how much I got from my short conversations with the barista at Starbucks.  These days, my visit there has turned into an almost daily habit, just because I find the little bits of connection so rewarding . If you find yourself moving a little closer to burnout and causal conversation isn’t delivering some relief for you, the next step is deep connection with someone you value or love. Did you know that, according to psychological researcher John Gottman, a six second kiss with your significant other will signal safety and help complete the stress response in your body?  As will a 20 second hug when each person has their weight over their own center of gravity.  At the height of a world experiencing a pandemic, it’s important for us to know how important we are to each others health, yes in keeping our distance when necessary, but also in our deepest forms of connection. From the benefits of daily movement, the power of a good deep breath, a solid sleep routine, music, belly laughter, and conversation and affection with the people we love, we have to remember that recovery takes discipline. It’s the greatest form of self love that will save us from ourselves and make us lifelong high achievers on any stage.

One of the greatest gifts of my adult life has been the women who have met me at any time of the morning to workout.  Whether swimming, running, yoga, pilates, or beach volleyball, and starting as early as 4:30am (shoutout to the early morning Fresno crew), the gratitude I have for these friendships brings tears to my eyes most mornings I am headed out to play.  At this stage of life, the sport is secondary to the common experiences and the clarity and realness that come as we harness our endorphins to solve all of the world’s problems from parenting to politics and everything in between. 

Recently I wrote about perfectionism, and how it can rest so heavily on our shoulders. It’s hold on us keeps us from our most impactful, joyful, and connected life.  But did you know that one of the best prescriptions to combat perfectionism is our willingness to go out and play?  As we get older, it’s easy to think that play is a thing of the past that we don’t have time for in our adult lives, but living in a constant state of doing instead of giving ourselves the time to just be free, is a recipe for burnout and with the daily stresses and changes in my life, I don’t know where I would be without the nearly daily check in’s with friends that go along with movement. These adult sporting experiences from volleyball tournaments to Master’s swim meets have been my playground, a place to learn about myself, release the hold on expectation and find that blissful place of striving contentment. I relate certain runs to certain worries, like when I started to worry about Matthew’s development when things seemed off when he was approaching two,  or swim practices to the little bits of wisdom I’d pick up on the deck after I cleared my mind with 3000 yards, and the bonds of friendship that were created when locker room chats carried over to Starbucks runs when a topic couldn’t be exhausted in the time it took us to get dressed.  My early morning workout habits on most days help me to put my worries to rest at night knowing that the answers will come with whatever activity the morning brings…and I’m so thankful that I have rarely had to go it alone.

When my kids were little, I couldn’t wait for the days they could sign up and play something, and I knew they were accustomed to it because they had been helping me make my workout happen since they were in baby carriers. Whether that was putting up with being dropped into “kids club” at the gym, to Lauren sitting in my bed many early mornings watching Horton Hears A Who with Matthew while I swam. It takes a village to make it all happen and as long as kids feel safe and supported, they are always able to contribute. Bottom line, my growth, and arguably my mental strength has come from my daily workout routine since before any of my kids were born. And, since our wisdom comes from the experience of what we know, over the years my activities became the natural go to’s as my kids got to the age to be able to join up and do things.  Since I was a swimmer, my kids were thrown into swim team.  And after that, volleyball…and I loved every minute of it, seven years never passed so quickly.  I never wished as I was standing on the pool deck or the sidelines of a volleyball court that  the event would finish up so we could do something else, there was truly no place I’d rather be, no matter what mess I had to come home to after a day of watching them. I saw sports as the way to teach them the big lessons about life like they have done for me. 

So what happened when one of them wanted to quit?

As it has been for all of us, 2020 has asked for some big shifts in thinking and doing.  Besides the time that we couldn’t play volleyball on the beach or swim in the ocean, I never knew it was the last time I would watch Luke play a high school or club volleyball match, that the one and only trip I took to Texas would be the only play time I would see of Lauren’s freshman year.  But the most interesting conversation and growth exercise for me as a parent was to let go and have February 2020 be the last club volleyball tournament I would watch Kate play. After the thoughts danced in my head of her talent, the way I believe in endorphins, and the awesome coaches that she would have a chance to be shaped by if she kept playing it, it all paled in comparison to the bravery and self awareness she demonstrated in communicating how she felt with me. 

Sometimes we get so entangled in what we thought life was going to be, we lose out on the magic of what is developing right in front of our eyes.

And then as I watched her talent project through the Zoom screen production of Emma two weeks ago, I understood once again that the real work doesn’t always happen on the court…she has found her flow on the stage.  

The joy of being a parent happens when we come to understand that we are a conduit for their success and that the best things happens when we focus on getting our own wiring right and worry less about theirs.  There is more wisdom gained by the experiences we share together than the words we speak at them.  When they know what we are about, they find the confidence to discover their own path. So as I traced my path this week between what has been lost to what has been found, I collected these thoughts…

 - We help them find their uniqueness by honoring our own, we are not like anyone else, and we don’t want them to be either. There are so many ways to be successful. If we have had a hand in helping them find their voice, how can we be upset or disappointed or upset with them with they use it. That expression is what turns passion into purpose…and knowing our purpose is the key to passing on knowledge, not just saving the best moments for ourselves. 

 - Teach them to Be Adaptable.  I discovered later in life that more than anything else, adaptability is my key to confidence. When we expect things to be a certain way, and then the inevitable changes in life spring up, whether it’s something as devastating as a death or divorce, being cut from a team, not getting the part, or being rejected by a friend, having the skills to adapt to the new normal is what drives us toward growth and away from the path of denial and addiction that causes us to falter.  

 - Help them learn that they are just one thought away from a totally different experience. Do you know how to flip your script?  If we can’t recognize negative thought patterns and self sabotage for what they are, and can’t come up with the thoughts and actions to change our way of thinking, how can we teach them to do the same? Teach them that little annoying voice in your head is normal, and then show them how to kick it to the curb. 

- Honor Flexibility. The only way to teach them to be flexible is for you to be flexible yourself.  As parents, can we make small concessions, with firm boundaries that build connection with our kids? It’s why I haven’t taken away Matthew’s video games - as long as the school work is handled and he gets out to surf or move. Sometimes I even play with him, he gets a kick out of how bad I am, we laugh really hard, and it’s the social capital that his future trust in me is built on. Besides, I have come to believe that anything that is controlling and rigid usually ends ends up broken and that life is beautiful when we learn to sit in the moments and just be with them instead of always looking for their marks of forward progress. 

One last story, I was helping Matthew with a book report the other night, and he had to list our six qualities of the main character. Tall, loyal, intelligent, a good friend…he started to rattle off about Max, the main character in Freak The Mighty (highly recommend!). I froze for a minute, the whole story was that Max was the big kid that struggles in school and his friend was Freak, a tiny intelligent kid with a physical disability. I hesitated and then asked him “ Wait, Max is intelligent? Or are you thinking of Freak?”

“No. Max, is intelligent,” he said.

“He just struggles in school…like me.”

Parenting continues to give me the greatest gifts. Life is hard, and the younger I can help them discover what they like best about themselves and the world and that the thing they love most will be the easiest thing they can work hard at, I can sleep easy and move on to the next great lesson they are going to teach me. And as long as Kate isn’t telling me that I can’t play volleyball anymore, we will never have any problem;)

Up next, RUHS’s production of CLUE starring Kate Turner as Mrs. White, Dec 4-6… and I can’t wait to watch.

If you are looking for ways to create calm and connection in your home and relationship with your child or teenager reach out here…I can help:)

I’ve had a lot of conversations with young people lately, most of them NCAA student-athletes and, as I edit this to publish tomorrow, the news that three more sports have been dropped at Fresno State puts a lump in my throat because another group of student-athletes has to answer the question of what to do next after spending years honing their craft. Beyond the students that have lost the ability to play their sport at the NCAA level, the rest of the athletes, have had their lives altered in intense ways since March 2020. I will be forever grateful for the family time that bolstered our spirits and deepened our connections with each other when COVID first hit, but I am increasingly worried about the toll that social isolation has had on a young, vital, otherwise healthy population on and around college campus’s.  These kids hold the keys to the future of our country and they are struggling, socially and emotionally, as they are left to grapple with new living and learning environments and separated from family and friends that would be their usual means of support.  They overthink every contact…should I go out and get food, can I go with this person, where can I sit, who can I sit with?   In most cases isolation is the answer…they can’t offer a ride to someone who needs one or go sit in a dorm room, spill their feelings and listen as their friend does the same.   In some cases for these athletes, certain people, who may offer little to no social/emotional support have been placed in “their bubble”, while friends that they have a history of support from are off limits. There is an air of policing and fear at a time when anxieties are already at an all time high. Will close contact lead them to another round of isolation, something that became more unbearable after they have experienced it before and every round of testing or contact tracing becomes more tense.  College campus’s in particular have the potential to be hubs of young, healthy energy, filled with optimism, but we are letting the air out of that bubble, until it is deflated and flat, with students left to wonder, which action to take, which choice matters, and staring back at blank faces over Zoom screens all day. 

Why are we asking them to live like this when they aren’t at risk of dying and living in communities with populations that are young and healthy like themselves?  Why are we inflicting more mental tension and less supportive connection in a time when they are meant to be growing and learning to thrive away from their families? College is a time we learn new ways of thinking based on a closeness with people who come from different cultures and homes than our own. It’s a time when all of the hard work that we have done pays off in the form of freedom, playing time, and new connections with the world.  But the current environment is placing another layer of stress and strain on an already taxed and evolving mental and emotional state.  It feels like we are protecting power structures, not people.  The rules are so arbitrary that a student could spend weeks without the support of his best friends and then contract COVID when he walks into a restaurant to order a taco. 

When I sent my first child off to college, and remembering my own college experience, I was very aware of the risks

Suicide = second leading cause of death among college students

Depression = second most common concern for college students seeking help on campus in 2019

Anxiety = most common concern for college students seeking help on campus in 2019

Alcohol Abuse - 1 out of 3 college students engaged in binge drinking in the last month. Approximately 1825 students die every year from alcohol and alcohol related accidents, not to mention the number of assaults and sexual assaults that are alcohol related. 

Prescription drug abuse - According to an Ohio State study, 67.5% of college students got high on prescription drugs

The risks of contracting COVID and being placed in a life threatening situation because of that pale in comparison to these statistics and yet the likelihood of this statistics getting even worse increases in the current environment.

When this all started back in March, we didn’t have  a lot of information, we didn’t know who was most vulnerable, and how the virus presented in different segments of the population. We had to distance ourselves and do what we needed to do to learn, gather information, and see how this terrible virus affected all of us.  Now we know that people under age 65 have very small risks of death. It’s not a matter of one person being more valuable than another, it’s the reality that a one size fits all policy, when also considering the mental health effects of isolation is not responsible. The mental health implications of these prevention guidelines for populations that are not statistically at high risk of death are far greater than them contracting COVID.  They are young and strong, and robbing them of the healthy healing and coping mechanisms of connection with people their age - even with a mask on -  is shortsighted.  There are effects that we as a society will be paying for for a long time. 

Here are some sentiments of college kids, away at school, that have come my way.  They are full of honest struggle, real growth, and lessons that they will carry with them as young adults that have come through this difficult time. They’re not all doom and gloom, but they give us a sense for how they are struggling and a signal for where we need to focus. Each one of these young adults made it clear to me that they weren’t complaining, just sharing their honest insight about how they felt.  These quotes come from students all over the country:

• “Online learning takes away the informality of in-class discussions and the joy of getting to know classmates and professors. Reading people’s emotions through Zoom is really tough when there are just a whole bunch of blank faces staring back so I feel less inclined to participate or ask questions.” 

• “I definitely feel more lonely and isolated when I’m in my dorm all day everyday without doing much. The lack of social gathering options makes me feel like I’m just going through the motions.” 

• “As someone who has never had to deal with any mental health issues other than the occasional anxiety caused by everyday life, I would say Covid has been the most difficult thing I have had to deal with for my mental health. Over the summer I tried to look at quarantine as a positive. I gained muscle mass, did a lot of research on my sport, and let the time out of the water ignite an even stronger drive than I had before. These ways of looking at an overall negative time definitely helped me cope with the stress but there was one stressor that I could not escape from. This was the unknown of what would happen in the 2020-21 season. Until yesterday, the NCAA had not released anything on winter sports eligibility (in which swimming and diving are included). Luckily, the news arrived that we would be awarded another year of eligibility regardless of what happens this season. As one would see, this was probably the largest source of anxiety that was nagging me since the pandemic started. I would commonly have a hard time falling asleep, feeling like the best years of my life were being stripped away. We have already had an intrasquad meet and as fun as it was to compete again, I could not help but feel sadness as I realized the atmosphere on deck would be drastically less loud, engaging, and what I expected my final years of competition to be. This does not even take into account the depressing state of a once bustling and active campus atmosphere. I would also say I am not one of the athletes most affected. A close friend of mine had a bad bout of depression that resulted in a hospital visit. I do feel that Covid has taken its toll on me but with the extra year of NCAA eligibility I think I am over the worst of it.”

• “If it’s something I’m excited about, it’s not going to happen.” 

• “It feels like nothing I do matters, like there is no end in sight.” 

• “The main thing for me has been the fact that COVID continues to force me to focus on the things I can control, let go of what I can’t, and live one day at a time. After months of hoping for good news, only to hear the opposite, my mindset has certainly adapted. My mindfulness practice really saved me here. Without it, I imagine my reactive mind and emotions would have been much more in control, in a disturbing way.”

While I understand and acknowledge that protections against COVID will need to continue, I am advocating that we put our fear in perspective and protect against the rise of the dangerous effects of the other risks created by the virus in the mental health arena for this promising population.  I started thinking about ways to make things better under the current circumstances:

1. Create solid mindfulness and breath work training and routines within teams that are as mandatory as lifting weights and practice.

2. Introduce sleep deprived student athletes to yoga nidra, the benefits of one 30 minute session are equal to four hours of deep sleep.

3. If teams need to be split into smaller groups for training and socializing, allow teammates to offer their input to coaches to insure that each person has at least one solid trusted bond with the people in their bubble.  

4. Coaches, encourage your captains and players to lead by showing your own vulnerability.  Tell them what you are struggling with, whether its health related fears, fears for the sport or season, or your athlete’s health. Let them know that you are in this together and not just a rule enforcer waiting for them to step out of line. The more open the communication, the safer your athletes will feel to open up and support each other. You want them to play free, not stressed about whether or not they have a virus that is not likely to be worse that the flu for them. 

5. Coaches, reinforce the importance of recovery for them and lead by example. Most often the case with college athletes is that they have arrived where they are with a lot of hard work and effort. Unfortunately this also comes with a natural tendency to be very hard on themselves. With sleep, hydration, mindfulness…basically permission to slow down, their brains and bodies will learn to adapt to stress in a healthier way and their immune systems will get a much needed boost as well.

I’d love to hear your ideas. I am part of the caring collective, but at this point I’m more afraid for this population’s mental health, and the potential for other addictions that spike when we aren’t our strongest, than them dying of COVID. I have aging parents, know people who have lost loved ones, and still, I am deeply concerned for this generation that I have had the privilege to parent and form meaningful relationships with. The young adults I know have worked hard to get to where they are today, but don’t have the perspective of 40+ years .  Trauma is real, big T or little t, and isolation and losing out on what you have worked the hardest to achieve is traumatizing.  COVID has an incredibly high cost, but it’s not just a question of life and death, it’s about life and where we go from here, lead by compassion for all of the challenges we face. As we learn more about the virus, we need to balance all risk factors as we navigate the road ahead. No matter how good it feels to win a match or a championship, or secure a scholarship, the sports we love are a journey to self awareness that can last a lifetime. As unforeseen as these times we have experienced since March have been for all of us, the silver lining is the growth that is always waiting to be born out of life’s most complicated situations if we can learn to master the art of the simple in the midst of the complex.

Authentic connection. It’s part of a healing process and what I am most passionate about in life.  I feel it when it happens, deep in my chest, in long conversations with relationships in my life, or casual encounters at Starbucks. The magic is found when we have the presence of mind to connect to the moment that lays out in front of us. If we are on our phone or thinking about what we need to do next, half in on one conversation elsewhere or in our head, and half in on the physical encounter in front of us, we miss the magic of connecting to either moment, and what was offered to make our life richer is lost. The more of those moments we lose, the greater the chance we will wind up asking ourselves one day

“What did it all mean?”

and man, if there is one thing I want to know, it’s the answer to that question.

Eye contact, our tone of voice, and the meaning behind the simplest words have value that etch wisdom deep into our consciousness if we allow them too.  Do we mean it when we say “have a great day” to someone?  Do we really want to hear the answer when we ask “how was your day?” They seem like generic questions, but when I ask them, my intention is there, I actually am dying to hear your long answer if you want to slow down enough to tell me.  I have figured out that this is one of the greatest points of beauty in my life, and day by day I learn not to take it for granted, feel guilty about taking the time, or rush on to the next thing. To be in a place in life where I can move consciously with intention, care for myself and my kids, and be there for someone who needs an ear or a hand to hold is a gift. 

As an optimist, I believe that the there are always good things coming, and optimism is the fuel that turns these beliefs into reality. I know that my long term well being will be taken care of through the stories that I create, the connections I make, and the things I learn that come with the gift of staying present.  As I write and connect with people in this world, I feel my flow through the stories of how we learn about ourselves through the lens of our honest experiences and they are beautiful.  These conversations have power because they give us a chance to speak our minds, solidify what we believe, know that we are not alone, learn new things to increase our awareness and perspective, and bridge the gap between generations. It’s a bold move to let someone see you and your struggle, but it is the key to choosing connected freedom over isolation. Every time I have one of these conversations, I am reminded that not one of us was meant to take this road alone and that the real perfect story is laced with triumph and joy, and fear, rejection, and struggle.  It’s never the ‘thing’ that life hands us, but what we turn it into by feeling our way through it.

When I started the Optimists Journal, I knew I was on a quest to tell stories to the generations that come after me. Although learning happens when we decide we are ready, my greatest hope is to inspire self awareness so that young people learn the power of their story, and how to honor it and share it with the world.  In the last few weeks, I have been blessed with the most inspiring conversations with young minds on the path.  It has given me hope and proven my theory that when you put your intentions and words out, the universe hears you and speaks back.  Their stories have reinforced my belief that pain comes to us with a purpose, no one escapes this life without periods of deep personal struggle, but they have also reassured me that joy is a catalyst for life’s greatest moments.  Whether it’s staying up until 3am talking philosophy with your new roommates, learning the happiness that is created in making a meal and sharing it with your people, or appreciating the opportunities and moments of glory that sports give us after the hard work is put forth, these are the high points from people half my age that both take me back and tell me that life ahead is not as dismal as the nightly news or the latest debate may make it seem. These conversations are live drills, they are the proof that what I feel deep within my own experience, and read about in books is going on in other human life. What are you doing to connect with life this week?  What struggle can you make peace with?  Let’s talk.  The beauty of connection is waiting in every moment. 

For at least 20 years, I have wished there was an eighth day of the week. A space in time that the outside world didn’t know about; a time to rest, play catch up, strategize, and invite in only what I wanted to. But with a little life and learning, my desire for the eighth day has turned into awareness that that eighth day is never coming so a better goal is to make the seven real days feel the way we want them to feel.

So what stops us?  Mindset mostly. Finding that sweet spot between mastering the simple amidst the complex, understanding ourselves and then having the courage to be her, playing on our strengths, and that quest for lifelong learning, are the things that have gotten me closer to let my insides match my outsides and create the days that I want to have. But there is one thing that I know now has stopped me in my tracks - perfectionism. This feeling that we can get it all right, please all people, achieve all the things we want to and still put a healthy dinner on the table every night is something that so many of us wrestle with. It’s presence in my life is something that has affected too much for too long. The idea of perfect is good at setting roadblocks to progress that exhaust us as we try to navigate around them. All of my life, I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but it was always there bubbling under the surface and tiring me out. There was always a place I needed to steel away to recharge my perfection seeking system, to be alone so I could manage the pressure that I was letting into my life. That pressure can feel so real that it seems to dictate what we are “supposed to do” and if you follow it, instead of the instinct of your own heart, you end up so far out of alignment you don’t even recognize yourself anymore. The irony of perfectionism is that it keeps you from the moments of joy that are as close to perfect as life ever gets. Perfect only exists in tiny slivers …the moment a baby is born, the first light that comes over the horizon in the morning, the hug that comes at just the exact time that you needed it without having to ask.  I’m sure you can add your own examples to this list if you slow down long enough to think about it, but life will forever lace these perfect moments with periods of struggle and challenge (hello 2020!) that are there to strengthen us and give us enough perspective to recognize what we value, what is worth working for in this life, and what is best left undone or unsaid. In breaking free from this perfectionist tendency of mine, here are a few things that have helped me free my mind and energy to create, love myself and others with compassion, and move more freely through my days:

1. STOP CARING OR TRYING TO GUESS WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK - as the old saying goes, “what other people think about me is none of my business.” The better question to explore is what do I think about me? Finding purpose and meaning in life doesn’t happen without making mistakes, failing, and falling down. We will never have the courage to do any of those things if we are worried about how things look to other people who, in truth, are more busy managing their own imperfect lives than worrying about what is going on with you. Think and act with intention, but by all means, it’s your life, cut the excuses and do what you want to do.

2. STOP COMPARING. - yes, it has been said, “comparison is the thief of joy” and whoever came up with that quote I would guess worked through their own perfectionist complex. Stay in your own lane. The voice in your head is your fiercest competition. We can waste so much energy trying to keep up and compare when our time is better spent figuring out and then honoring our uniqueness. My life isn’t supposed to look like anyone else’s. There is such deep peace in believing that we are the masters of our own path and that our way of doing things is unique to ourselves and exactly what will highlight what is special about us in a world that is begging to see it. I don’t care if you look different, talk different, believe different, or act different thatn me, real connection happens when you learn to be yourself and nothing beat the freedom you feel when you start to string together those moments of alignment.

3. Learn to Let Yourself Off The Hook - this life is here for us to encounter and enjoy. Enjoy what is, instead of focusing on what it should be, or some greater expectation that you have invented in your head. If there is a roof over your head, or a hot cup of coffee in the morning, there is something to be grateful for and deep contentment will grow from the seeds of gratitude if we allow it to. Letting yourself off the hook looks like deep recovery, down time, delegating, and quieting the voices in our head to do what we we want to do.

Newsflash, that eighth day of the week isn’t coming. The present is all we have. What are you going to do this week to be kinder to yourself, and enjoy the moments that flow naturally into your life? We can face imperfect reality with grace and inspire others to do the same. Give yourself a safe place to land, slow down, recover, drop the exceptions and just be…you’ll find out that feeling is as close to perfect as life is ever going to get.

I’m following my own advice and taking a few weeks off from my Sunday Blog for my own rest and recovery project. I will continue with daily microblogs over at Everyday Optimism, click here if you want to subscribe to daily micro doses of optimism to strengthen your mindset and find the beauty in the joy and the challenge of life. Or If you want to take some time to listen…here is a great conversation I had with Jason Dibilius last week on The Option podcast. We covered a lot, but you can always listen in that downtime you are going to give yourself:)

The play on words is intentional and not lost on my political brain. About eight years ago, I abandoned politics and 24 hour news cycles in the name of sanity, health, and wellness. Between my youngest child who was highly sensitive to the news stories on TV, and the constant fighting instead of intelligent and tolerant debate, it became too much to stay positive and have it on in the background as I had most of my life.  Over these years, I still took in my favorite columns like David Brooks of the NY Times and Peggy Noonan in the Wall Street Journal. I love the way a column weaves story into current events and helps us make sense of society today, not to mention they get to use more than 140 characters. But my shift was real. I wanted to learn how to deal with my own emotions and pain in my life so I could heal myself and help others, starting in my own home with my four kids, and then work out from there, so I turned to self care, growth mindset podcasts, positive psychology, and books that helped me understand myself better from the inside out. My personal philosophy rose from this mindful journey:

“To create calm and connection with every breath and movement.”

It suits my personality and my gifts and makes me feel confident in my life path. Through it all, I have faith in God that assures me that there is more to this life than my own personal story, but also know that we each one of us is an integral character in the world’s story with the ability to make an impact.

2020 has brought a lot of pain to the surface.  We have so much to wrestle with on a daily basis and the national dialogue feels fractured, contentious, and highly activated.  This week alone, I’ve been moved to tears by the emotion that comes every year with the 9/11 anniversary, wildfires that threatened my family’s mountain cabin, full of pictures from generations past and 50 year old Clue and Scrabble games. The incredible bravery of the firefighters doing real work to save lives and structures shows us that there are real heroes in this world but then we turn to face the racial tensions in our country that although I will never feel the pain of first hand, I want to be part of the solution that moves us forward to a place that America has never been, but that I am sure in my heart we can go. Add to that a deep and growing concern over COVID and what it is doing to the fabric of not just our physical health, but our mental state as well, and there there is a lot to push through the sieve of my mindfulness practice.

What are the answers? Do we glue ourselves to the news in an effort to stay informed? Do we commit to a break or detox to bring peace to our monkey minds, or is it somewhere in between? Maybe it’s different for each of us, but as I see it, there is a common thread that ties together pain, passion, and perspective that can’t be ignored. 

Exposure to the real effects of being human is a brave choice. In this life, none of us is spared painful circumstances, and, as it makes its mark on our lives, whatever our pain points may be, they influence our perspective. If we get real with them and process instead of bury them under a tough exterior, or allow that pain to dissolve into addiction, we allow our pain to give birth to passion that allows for freedom and change.  As difficult as it is, pain can be one of life’s great catalysts for transformation that makes us stronger, braver, and a better version of ourselves. Left unresolved, pain in our lives makes us feel unsafe and guarded and we show up differently on the scene of our relationships, connections, and in debates about what makes the world a better place.

In short:

Pain —> Passion = Perspective. 

When we understand this, we can relate to others, and even politics and policy in a healthier way. In its most gracious form, public policy should be community at work. We don’t have that on a national, statewide, or even a local level today. Power structures are broken, motivated by the wrong things, like wealth and a quest for more power. But when we take it back to our communities and our homes, connection by connection, I feel and see people that want to make a difference.  We do it every day with the words we speak and the actions we take on the issues that mean the most to us. It’s part of being responsible for our own feelings and charting a productive course for our lives. The human experience can’t be fulfilled without connection with others, so we are challenged to lift our gaze to see into the eyes of another and allow ourselves to be moved, even changed, by their passion and perspective, instead of quickly dismissing them with a knee jerk reaction.  To allow ourselves to be changed by someone else’s story that is different than our own is the greatest form of compassion, and one that it seems to me our cancel culture world needs to embrace now more than ever. 

I see a connection today between all that I have learned from my wellness journey and how it connects to the burning torch of public policy, politics, and public opinion. I see ways that I can manage it and help carry it differently than I did in the past for myself, my family, and the community that surrounds me.  

The more I understand about creating safety, security, and optimism in my own life through breath work, a mindfulness practice, healthy eating that heals the gut brain connection and helps us get the foundational good sleep that allows us to manage the stresses of life better, I see how it connects to open ears that listen for understanding instead of to react, and increased empathy that allows us to take in another opinion that differs from our own. 

I have a deep desire to create safety for others who need to find their voice and be heard, because I understand how raising my voice and shining a light into the corners of my life where pain existed melts it away and creates freedom and connection.  

Because everyone has a different life story, we all have different opinions that come from different places, born from the joy and sorrow in our lives. But as we heal ourselves and find gratitude for the blessings we have been given, we learn to feel safe in our own space. The next step is to open our ears and lift our eyes to see the experience of someone else, let it in, and in some cases even allow it to change us. 

It is so important to understand that even though my passion isn’t your passion, because my pain is different than your pain, I can listen, and, out of your passion, develop compassion and understanding for how you have arrived where you are today. 

Then we can come closer to agreement, we can agree to disagree, and if we commit to listen without judgment, empathy is born. We don’t need to compare and judge, or have an undying need to convince, we need to talk openly, have the courage to let the world hear our voice, and listen for understanding rather than to form a response.  

Some of the pain points that have affected my life, helped develop my passion, and created my perspective, are addiction, co-dependency, autism, and divorce.  My joys come from parenting, movement through sports and the connections that have defined my life in that space and still do today, and understanding the simple pleasures that make any day full…sunrises, water, movement, human connection, solitude, coffee:) 

Tolerance comes from recognizing our own pain and how it has affected us, developing compassion for the pain of other human experiences, and finding gratitude for the joy that life has brought you. 

How can we recognize our pain points, work through them in accordance with our values, and allow this work to shape our life, rather than bury them under the rubble of our path for it to erupt later and create societal problems that need to be addressed on a widespread basis? As we become more understanding of ourselves, we empathize with others and see with our own two eyes that every issue has more than one side…in fact, every issue has more than two sides! 

There are very few absolutes in this world. The ones that do exist in my mind center around physical and emotional safety. Maturity is being able to live in a world of multiple truths. Seeing things in polarity is a attempt to control life out of fear that we will be smaller or less significant if we are wrong, or that we can’t adapt or handle the unknown. We have to get to a point as a society where we create enough emotional safety within ourselves and as a community to be able to consider different perspectives without reacting out of anger and absolutism. 

Is it possible that there is both a need for better forest management and that global warming exists and contributes to the increased fire risk? Can you be utterly outraged and sickened by racism and police brutality and still support honorable law enforcement? Can you eat vegan while your neighbor looks for something to BBQ and still find connection around the dinner table? Can you believe that there are ways to support the immune compromised community in the face of a global pandemic and still embrace the idea of individual freedom, deep health, and people’s need to provide for their families, and commit to their work? Or at the very least, can you understand that someone has a right and reason to see an issue from a different lens than your own without stomping out their humanity?

Just like none of our lives can be summed up by one choice or action, the totality of our humanity is not encompassed in one belief.

Taking in all sides of a story instead of dismissing the one that doesn’t flow naturally for you is a challenge, but I believe it is all possible with the honest work that comes with choosing love over fear and living the mindful life. With mindfulness, we learn to deactivate our fight or flight response so we have less need to see the world in black and white, and also feel deeply the roots of our own uniqueness and autonomy. Mindfulness teaches us to let go of the desire to conform for fear of not fitting in because we know that when we fit with with ourselves first, strong relationships will form from there.  It takes away the need to be surrounded only by like minds, and instead lets us feel the vitality that can come from healthy debate and challenging thoughts rather than the anger that rises when we feel threatened by something new.

In the end, I am far more interested in your kindness, generosity, acts of service, and respect you show the world than your politics. I see a future where we are inspired and able to open our hearts, minds, and homes to different opinions, where we can sit around the dinner table and learn and connect with each other and be inspired to take this sense of connection and understanding to a deeper level and to the ballot box no matter how you are going to cast your vote. That’s where mindfulness meets the gratitude that we can find for this great American democratic experiment that is not over and evolving every single day. I was blessed to be raised in a family that taught me civic responsibility through action, I haven’t missed an election since I was 18 years old, and I’m proud of the mindful call I have answered in response to life’s challenges. Believe that your energy and your voice are an integral part of this American life, and then work to make it true. Democracy is a privilege that takes our expression and participation, so take a deep calming breath and find that sweet spot where you are able to listen, learn, and let your own voice be heard.  

Do you know how to recognize when you are in your zone? When are you most connected, to what you want out of life, to the people around you and to yourself.  For me, that feeling comes in the quiet hours, when I get the time to recalibrate, breathe, and move before the pull of the world and energies from the other people in my life take up more space. The start of an unorthodox new school year, a new business, and the long term goals on my horizon have me thinking about sustainability. It’s a buzz word for sure, but it applies to so much…routines, relationships, finances, health. But consistency is the key to greatness, whatever it is we want our greatness to look like, and success comes not out of single good choice, but the good choices that are repeatable over time. Maybe sustainability is a concept we sink into a little deeper in midlife because there are so many interests and responsibilities competing for our attention. Maybe it’s because we aren’t looking for “someday” anymore but know that our best life is meant to be lived right now. By midlife we have felt the effects of aging, know the depth that our relationships have the potential reach, and understand that time, no matter how present we are, seems to slip through the hourglass quicker with each passing year.

As days pass on, it’s up to us to create the space in our lives for growth, to know ourselves, so we can be leaders in a world that needs our unique talents. The better we know ourselves, the deeper our confidence takes root, and we create a path to walk that is safe enough to walk alone but wide enough for others to join us. We can’t find this sweet spot when we are dealing with overwhelm, perfectionism, comparison or a case of caring what other people think. And that’s right where a good mindfulness practice steps in and helps us diffuse these very real tensions of modern life. As I grow and fall into alignment with what moves me as a person, where I feel most comfortable in my own skin…writing, leading through inspired connection with others, and creating calm in everyday life through breath and movement, I have a clear filter to pass my choices through. This filter has helped me come up with a few rules to create a sustainable pace that moves life forward, but encourages us to enjoy every step, be more than do more, and grow instead of grind.

Set the tone with your phone - Our phones have become second brains and first lines of communication.  They are marketing devices, instant information, endless opinions and creators of comparison that will eat that time faster than a crying baby (or a new puppy!) and beg for our attention from the moment we open our eyes. It’s no mistake that the rise of the internet and the iPhone coincide with meditation and mindfulness practices becoming the fastest growing health trend in America, we have to find a way to calm our systems with this onslaught of information. This article in NY Magazine brought me back to center this week and reissued a challenge to me to slow down, and fight the the knee jerk reaction to open my phone and tap the latest headline or social media feed first thing in the morning because I have the sinking feeling that it is the #1 cause of distraction in my day.  The struggle is real, the phone has turned into our second brain, but one that races from unrelated task to unrelated task as our hearts beat faster while we convince ourselves that we can handle more because of its efficiency. But with every new thing we take on, we are less equipped to handle the inner work on ourselves that creates a meaningful life. All of a sudden the pace of life feels unsustainable.  

The better we understand our values and what makes us unique, the more calmly we can make decisions. Our choices should pass easily through our value filter or life will have us by the tail when it is meant to be the other way around. Are you saying yes to everything in an effort to please or feel some sense of worth?  Do you look at your calendar knowing, I should have said no here? Do you deprive yourself of the things that give you joy because of a never-ending sense of duty? The closer we align with our values and our true calling, we have to say no to so many things so that we can say yes to what brings us into alignment, brings us peace, and allows us to put our best foot forward for the important people in our life. Use your filter and trust that when the answer is no, you are only creating space for the person coming behind you who is meant to say yes. We don’t have to be everything to everyone and we don’t have to do everything ourselves! 

Start and end the day on your own terms -  Since my kids were little, I have started most days before they got up…and the days that I didn’t, I regretted it because I felt hurried and rushed, not present for them, or clear on what I wanted to accomplish in my own day.  Luckily, I’m a morning person because most days that hour needs to be pretty early to find that slice of quiet time. I have a saying that goes through my mind every morning, no matter how tired I am: “Morning is best.” For as long as I can remember, it has been the space in time where everything feels possible. But whatever it means for you, give yourself at least 20 mins of quiet before you start taking in other voices. And the same goes for the evening, create a calming ritual around bedtime. Don’t let the last thing you look at before you turn off the light be the blue light from your phone, adopt a breath work practice, or have some reishi hot chocolate, tea, or tart cherry juice to calm you and help you sleep. It only takes a little extra effort but the benefits of a good night’s sleep are huge. The restoration of your mind, body, and spirit should never be taken lightly.

Judge Less Accept More - Judgment is natural, but comparison is tiring.  Mindfulness has helped me to stay in my own lane and understand that every path is different.  We weren’t put on this earth to be like anyone else.  The only question is what we are willing to do to maximize our gifts.  Self awareness is the base of human thriving and the gift of a mindfulness practice…being comfortable in our skin is so freeing. As we learn to accept our thoughts for what they are in the moment, we learn that what feels difficult now will pass…nothing lasts forever, and if we can learn to breathe through it and stay the course we get stronger with every new challenge. Accepting the reality of the moment is just that, it doesn’t mean we have to be good with these circumstances  forever, it just frees our energy to create a path toward where we want to go. 

Have A Beginners Mind - I’m listening to a book called Range - Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World by David Epstein. One of the negative thoughts I have learned to overcome in the last few years is that I missed my calling, that it’s too late to turn over a new leaf, try new things, or chart a fresh course. But this book has made me glad that I have an open ear to a lot of different ideas and perspectives and that honing my own intuition while being open to the thoughts of others helps me lead myself and coach others with my own unique style confidently, all the while knowing that there is always more I can learn. Mindfulness teaches us to go into everything as if it was new because that’s what gives us our edge to keep learning.  The minute we think we are the expert in the room, we close out on the other human potential that is present around us. Life gets boring when we think we have it all figured out and lifelong learning is the key to longevity.  We only learn new things when we are able to admit that there are things we do not know and thinking we have it all figured out is the achilles heal of leadership and inspired learning.

Although these are five of my unique takeaways from my mindfulness practice, the benefits of starting a practice of your own today are many. Among them are decreased stress and anxiety, increased focus and attention, better communication and relationships, and increased follow through on your goals. Not to mention you will undoubtedly develop some of your own keen and original life principles for yourself as you sink deeper into a practice. If you are starting from scratch, start small…mindfulness is the opposite of pressure. Give yourself 2-3 minutes in the morning to sit and observe your thoughts without judgment or attaching to them. Work your way up to eight minutes, and then keep going from there. This distraction filled world is calling for your calm and quiet. Answer the call softly in the morning and watch as your days emerge with peaceful, sustainable, vitality and strength that will inspire others around you to ask where that deep calm is coming from.

I have tears in my eyes this morning as my sophomore starts school online. When this great pause started out, I wrote about the ability we had to shift our focus to the things that matter most.  I talked about being in the car less, not being a slave to our overbooked schedules, and having the time to take walks and breath the fresh air.  Even with the stress of what we as a country were feeling economically, I felt like a pause was a good thing to protect people from the unknown of this virus and get the intangible benefits of a national slowdown to focus on our simple blessings.  In the beginning, we felt the bond of coming together for the greater good. Selfishly, I was even happy to have my college age kid back at home, I never thought I would have that time with her again and it turned out to be such a gift during these uncertain times.  She is one of the lucky ones who got to go back to her dorm room in Texas. Even with online classes and COVID tests that are part of the protocol for athletes, she is thriving as she learns to set her own schedule, manage her own day and her own health according to her priorities. She is learning every day about what is important, connecting with others, caring and doing life with people her own age.  My second born is not as lucky, he will start his freshman year of college taking online classes at home because Stanford has announced that they won’t be bringing students on to campus. I am crushed for him. He has been raised to believe that hard work pays off, has proven to himself that it is true, only to have everything he worked for from academics to athletics decimated over the last few months, and at this point, it is getting harder and harder to understand why.

As we sit here almost six months later from when COVID-19 became part of our national consciousness, we have gone from thinking we were all at high risk, to numbers from the CDC that show us the populations that actually are. School age children and college kids are not in these high risk populations. I’m glad I didn’t know back in March that kids wouldn’t be going back to school in August, it would have taken away the things I’ve learned about myself and what we as a society are made of.  Individually, people care, we want to help one another, protect the vulnerable, and be part of a solution. But there is so much confusion, why can we sit two feet away from each other outside a restaurant on the sidewalk, but not set up outdoor classrooms? Why are we forcing kids to be on screens all day when we  have spent massive amounts of energy over our years as parents of young ones to keep them off their screens? There must be something better we can come up with than this. There are so many of us that are not at significant risk, not scared because we don’t belong to a vulnerable population, who have caring hearts, and are looking for leadership that can show us how be part of a real solution, one that can bring necessities to people who choose to stay inside and away from the rest of the world because their risk factors for contracting COVID are greater than our own, but also allows for real connection in the less vulnerable populations and for those of us that are able to work, use our purpose for good, and keep the economy going.  There are real impacts to families beyond the risk of this virus that are chipping away at our foundational needs - the ability to provide for our families, use our purpose for the betterment of others and ourselves, and feel empowered by our own strength instead of shut down by collective fear.

The current climate is changing the mental landscape of young brains.  Kids are scared and disconnected because they have been confined and unable to read faces for the last six months.  Older kids are learning unhealthy coping mechanisms that can turn into addictions as they weather the disappointment of not being able to go off to college, connect with their friends, and be inspired by amazing teachers in the classroom.  Every fall we send kids off to college with far greater risk factors in play than what they face with COVID such as alcohol and drug abuse, eating disorders, mental health struggles as they learn to navigate the pressures of the world on their own, and even suicide risk are issues that we have come to accept as part of the path to independence. Young adults don’t have the perspective of the long life that we as adults have developed with our life experience.  Their experience in life up to today is all they know, and we can’t let the balance of their days be lived in this fear based zone we have inhabited since March. As parents, from the moment we have our children, we grapple with the knowledge that we cannot protect them from every danger in life.  And if we try, we make ourselves crazy and reduce the resilience that is theirs to gain by taking chances and doing hard things. Life isn’t a protected zone, there are risks associated with living that cannot be avoided,  but today I wonder if we are adding to them by instilling more fear than strength in the name of protection. 

From preschool to college students, our kids relationship with connection, other people, fear, anxiety, and depression has changed.  The power of great teaching has been diminished by the distance of cyberspace. My youngest is a kinesthetic learner, he learns best while his body is in motion, he uses whole-body movement to process new and difficult information.  Regular school was a challenge before, but behind the screen it’s even more difficult. 

If we had the ingenuity to weather the storm of full quarantine and create a system that delivered basic needs to all of us, we have the ability to come up with a solution that puts our students back in school and supports the at risk population simultaneously.  There are so many of us that are not at high risk, who have caring hearts and capable minds, that would sacrifice in real ways to bring necessities to people who choose to stay inside due to their risk factors, and also create safer systems for kids to connect in person and thrive instead of merely survive. What can we do for them, and for us, to be a real part of the solution?  These populations are our future, their mental health matters to the strength of our collective society. We can do better and I hope we figure out what that looks like soon.  The beauty of life happens when we learn to master the simple in the midst of the complex.  We must find our way back to connection, love, strength, and resilience, over fear, it’s what the human spirit was wired for.