March 4, 2023
I don’t remember the exact date, but it was a sunny Friday afternoon in 2014. Clear blue skies on the beach, volleyball practice had been canceled for some reason, and there were four happy kids running around in the sand with nowhere else to be. They were all together, the little ones loving having the big ones around, and I remember thinking that life didn’t get better than this. I’m glad I stopped to take it in, because life keeps rolling but the imprint of that moment is still there.
Within two years, everything about those kinds of moments changed. Nearly 20 years of a relationship crumbled and left me digging deeper to figure out why. Yes, it takes two. Yes, even with love, the makings of the crumble were there from the beginning, but the feelings of guilt and shame left me asking questions and I wanted the answers. The relationships we have with each other are significant in the here and now, but they carry the footprints of the people who came before us too. I don’t say that lightly, or to search for a scapegoat or place blame. One of my core tenets in doing this work is that everyone is doing the best they can with what they know, but it is our responsibility to keep learning so we can grow and evolve into humans who connect more and hurt less. This is what I call generational healing and it’s been my North Star for the last six years…maybe even before, I just didn’t have a name for it.
So, what is generational healing and how do I define it?
Generational healing: When our connection with ourselves is rediscovered while we peel back the layers and make peace with past traumas in our family lines.
Why is generational healing important?
In this process we come to understand our inherent worth, strength, and the agency we have in our lives. We begin to love ourselves more, criticize ourselves less, and form interdependent rather than codependent relationships that create deep knowing of ourselves and families and communities where everyone is able to work from their strengths.
What happens if we turn away from healing?
I’ve heard it said that addiction is the opposite of connection. Addiction will always push away love and, according to Native American wisdom, will leave its mark for seven generations to come. It leaves fractured homes and dinner tables, violates safety and human dignity, and creates disparity in any home where it takes up residence. Eventually, whether that home splits apart or stays together, without the presence of healing energy, the home is broken and the patterns that come from that home create paths that wreak havoc on our health. This pain is expressed on every level from deep within the cells in our bodies and dysregulated nervous systems. If left unresolved, it cycles over and over again, cutting its path over generations of families that no matter how much they love each other, will cause each other more pain.
At this point, if you know me, and have been listening to my thoughts for a while, you are looking for the good news.
Where is the optimism and opportunity?
The answer to that lies in the agency that is within every single human to persevere, to look at themselves and what could be different, and begin to take little steps to make our lives better. I have always believed it was there for anyone, and now the stories that are flowing through my podcast are bringing the living, breathing, examples of human resilience that reinforce my belief that healing is always possible.
How does it happen?
It happens when we stop talking about other people and start talking to ourselves. It happens when we start to understand and practice the tools that connect us with our physical, mental and spiritual being. There are no silver bullets, but there can be a graceful pattern of trial and error while we discover what works for us. It’s a journey of reconnection through unlearning the exercises of control and survival as we discover how to be present in our bodies and minds and know that when we let go of the expectation of what ‘should’ be, we become grounded and calm knowing that through whatever will be, we will be ok. And from this new calm and grounded place energy flows.
What are these tools that help us connect?
Yoga, breathwork, prayer, meditation, journaling, whole foods, daily movement, music, animals, nature, grounding, talk therapy, physical therapy, chiropractic care, energy healing, acupuncture, social interaction, alone time, hydration, supplementation, fasting…the list goes on. I’m sure you could add some of your own. I don’t list all of these things to overwhelm but find hope that there are so many little acts of loving yourself that help connect us to our true selves. Figuring out your personal alchemy is fun, and it doesn’t look like anyone else’s.
Generational learning is what we are after here at Be Better Media where one of my goals is to begin to reverse engineer the process of the generational healing we need by creating space for people to be heard and connect with their purpose. Gigantic visions are made up of little consistent steps everyday, but you don’t have to take them all by yourself. Come find me on What I Meant to Say to hear stories of other people committed to being better one day at a time. These conversations have created more moments in the sun for me and helped create more opportunities for health, healing, and ability to go with the flow in life by learning more about the human experience through other people’s eyes. Keep following along…it's getting better and better with the connections we make with each other everyday.
With optimism,
Wendy
There are a million reasons why people find it difficult to be themselves. Between codependency, people pleasing, FOMO, FOPO, traumatic experiences and relationships, getting to the essence of our being and feeling free enough to express ourselves is life’s greatest challenge and gift. Being that it’s almost the 4th of July and post that tragic Presidential debate, it is more enticing for me to focus on the freedom that lies within each of us when we learn to be more authentically ourselves and hope that our healing and autonomy create a groundswell for our country. I’m excited to start sharing a vision I’ve been working on for some time now that aligns with my nature as a mother and healer, my two favorite hats I’ve loved wearing in this life.
I’ve lived in many homes over my lifetime and I’d venture to guess there will be more. Home is a feeling, not a place for me, so the reason I am where I am right now is because of the feeling I got when I walked into this space for the first time. It was warm and inviting and safe; a place where I could hang my ‘Cultivate Calm’ sign and Maya Angelou quotes on the walls and start to find my way back to myself again. Built in 1937, it’s a happy house that is meant to be shared and nothing feels better than doing that with my kids, family and friends.
Beyond my life at home, guiding four kids through some of the most heart opening events and stories, as well as some amazing mothers and daughters that have become chosen family. I have gravitated to so many healing modalities from body and energy work to narrative therapy and yoga, each of them has played and built deep connections with healers that I believe are making the world better one session at a time. On these tables and in their classes, I have established deep trust and friendship with so many talented and loving humans.
I’m excited to blend what I’ve learned from them, as well as my training in The Emotion Code and Somatic Coaching work to help others unlock their own self healing and find the freedom that comes with our fullest expression of self. My creativity, wisdom and practitioner knowledge are finding a home of their own this summer, blending ancestral knowledge and healing practices to help elevate the path for young women and athletes. The first events of this vision will come to fruition this summer.
Stay tuned. I'm excited to reveal more information in the coming weeks about how you can get involved.
With optimism,
Wendy
Some days it seems there isn’t enough hot tea in the world for my life because learning to honor the slowdown and keep pace with adulting is so hard. My kettle is getting tired, but herbal tea is often my best solution for the chaos that comes through.
My life lets me live the precept:
“Treat everyone with kindness, you have no idea the fires they have burning.”
Photo by Cullan Smith on Unsplash
It cannot be said enough, from the outside looking in, there is no way any of us can know what is going on inside someone else’s life. But I have also discovered that life is not an outside looking in experience anyway. Real connection and growth comes from within, asks us to define and live our values and stop caring what everyone else thinks anyway. Despite the places I’ve been and the mistakes I’ve made, I am grateful that the exposure to challenging experiences has helped me discover the well of calm and strength that lies within me and I know that although I can’t access it 100% of the time, there is no better place to parent from.
A few weeks ago I wrote about my divorce. Reflection and eight years of time passed has allowed me to grow roots that I would have never had otherwise. Now I am able to help other people navigate through these treacherous waters from a place of compassion and calm and one of the topics that comes up so often, and still daily for me, is parenting. While I believe that in some situations there are benefits of co-parenting after divorce, my experience is that authentic parenting is at the heart of healing, and sometimes we have to discover that standing on our own two feet. At the crux of this decision is having a firm understanding of what real co-parenting feels like and when the concept is being flipped and is the attempt to co-parent is actually a mechanism of control.
When my divorce took effect, my kids were ages 16-9, so I do realize there is a different reality if you are dealing with younger children. The tenet that remains the same is that the best parenting is centered around your value system and a deeply defined sense of self - if you have this you will be able to see when to co-parent and when it is being used to control a situation with the kids. That can be a tennous thing in the midst of such ground shaking change in your own life, but there are things you can do to ground yourself in reality and enhance your own self awareness and skills from listening to podcasts, taking courses, or coaching and other healing modalities that will help you find the strength to help your kids move forward and become stronger through the struggle of single parenting.
Photo by Oscar Keys on Unsplash
Here are some takeaway tips that I have learned through my life path, coaching, podcast conversations and so many other healing pathways I have explored that have broadened my vision and deepened my roots so that I can parent from a place of strength. We have a podcast coming out next week that I can’t wait for you to hear with Marcus Aurelius Higgs, a Presence Coach for parents of preteens. His SHOWUP framework was rich with wisdom and practical tools for this stage of parenting. I will say, the battle is hard fought, not always won, and I am in it every single day. The stories are from inside the arena where I struggle every day, but I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything.
Photo by Rydale Clothing on Unsplash
Some Questions to Ask Yourself When Evaluating Whether you are Dealing with Co-parenting or Control Issues.
I’ll close with some wise words from Divorce Attorney Ann Grant from her show THE DIVORCE HACKER.
“Don’t worry about control, kids go where the love is.”
Her words ring true in any co-parenting or single parenting journey. If you are in it, I’m with you. For more of my perspective on parenting post divorce check out my Divorce Hacker episode with Ann Grant and feel free to reach out because it definitely takes a village.
With optimism,
Wendy
“Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction.” - Ronald Reagan
As a kid, 4th of July was my favorite holiday next to Christmas. Staying in my bathing suit all day, feet burning on hot pavement, and popsicles and fireworks in the street are among my favorite childhood memories. This holiday weekend though, what is heavy on my mind is how different what I learned about America was from what my kids learn. Last weekend a sweet 15 year old girl asked the question “Why is it a big deal when people take a knee during the national anthem?” and I was grateful to be the one who got to answer her. What she heard from me about the sacrifice made by men and women of past generations under that flag for our freedom definitely wouldn’t be the answer she’ll get at school. Everywhere we look, the message that we have nothing to be proud of as Americans is being spread loudly to the next generation. Yesterday I saw the headline that a woman member of the Contra Costa school board called for a boycott of the 4th of July because there is nothing to celebrate about America. Just the fact that criticism gets a headline shows what there is to celebrate, but all points of view don't share that same freedom these days.
What the next generation believes about America becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. This country is only as great as the people who have the energy to get up and make it happen and as that torch is passed to them, the current narrative will never give them the energy or belief that has been the bedrock of our country in generations past.
Today there is a great divide between real people and power and it's easy to get discouraged. I only let the news in enough to be informed instead of inflamed. The reality of the headlines and everyday life for regular people, from gas prices, bare store shelves and ridiculous arguments about whether a man can get pregnant are exhausting for everyone and we have to choose where we expend our energy.
American life comes with personal responsibility and a hopefully hefty dose of self reflection. When we know this, we have the power to change things from a conscious mind and heart rather than what we see today that more and more looks like a giant trauma bond. So often what we criticize is what we fear most about ourselves. We will never empower from a place of lack, and yet that place of lack and unworthiness is the loudest story out there. Greatness comes with the ability to stand on our own feet, and the ability to recognize where we need to adapt and change to BE BETTER, then we can ask for the support we need to do that. The state of our country can’t be greater than the state of our homes, or our own hearts, minds and spirits. So many of the root problems in America could be solved with introspection instead of outrage. Maybe then we could consciously and calmly connect to talk about the differences between us.
Last night my friend Chrissy and I sat on the beach, watching her boys play in the water until the moon rose in the sky. You could barely see it shining, it was only 2% illuminated according to Google, but it was there and it was beautiful. Our shine is still there if you look for it, I see it everyday. If we don’t teach them to look for the shine, they will never discover how to create it for themselves. What we focus on grows, and in so many places we are focused on the wrong things. Look for that sliver of light this weekend, and be one who coaxes it along until it shines brightly again. See the light, be the light, and let the connection come from there.
Happy 246th birthday America. I believe in you.
With love and optimism,
Wendy
Perfect lyrics and celebration for this holiday weekend
I had the chance to revisit my 19 year old mind this week with a reconnection that happened because of this crazy social media world. I have journals, but the chance to look back on a letter I wrote to someone else about life in that season, my sophomore year of college, was even more special. Hard to believe that I have two kids now that are living that life and older than me at the time I wrote those words. As a writer, a chance to look back on what I wrote is one of the greatest gifts you could give me. In fact, it’s the reason I started my blog… so that I could give myself and my kids that experience in the future, see the road we all traveled from my view, and hopefully learn some things along the way. The writing skills at 19 weren’t what jumped out at me though, it was the the story, it’s always the story. And my greatest realization as I read the screen shot of that letter on my Iphone, was how simple life was back then. The pace, the innocent things that caused the right amount of stress, like a final project deadline, the memory of keeping one room organized and going to bed with all of the laundry done and things in their place. The art of the letter…write, seal, stamp, send off with the hope that it will be received, and then wait to see if someone would take the time to write you back is all history now, but talk about delayed gratification in the best way.
There have been more stories in the mental health space this week, we’ve lost yet another NCAA athlete to suicide, I didn’t know her, but saying her name out loud, Sarah Shultze, brings chills to my skin. She is the third athlete in a little over a month to take her own life. I’ve never been to that dark place in my mind, but it’s scary and heartbreaking every time I try to contemplate it. As someone who has battled anxiety and a dysregulated nervous system most of my life without the words or realization of what was going on inside me, I can connect intimately to the story of human struggle. My lens is that of a mom, coach, athlete, and writer who wants to create calm and connection through these stories from the highs and lows of life. The through line this week was a glimpse of life circa 1994 and the reality of what I live today with my own kids at that same stage. There are so many differences in how we live from then to now, but the things that ground us stay the same. These are some thoughts that bring more peace to my mind:
In the course of a little over a week we've gone from Division I Volleyball highs and lows, IEP meetings with the most brilliant team at Hermosa Valley School who care so deeply it brings tears to my eyes, incredible connections and stories on ‘What I Meant to Say’, and watching my kids surrender to what is and enjoy their lives. Even with my body still compromised from this ankle reconstruction, nothing brings me more joy. We are so much more than what any one moment brings, but the chance to look back this week was a gift that I am grateful for. Presence is key, but perspective is the gift that helps us see where we want to grow and BE BETTER. When we choose the right one, we have the energy to tell the story we are meant to tell. If you ever need help reframing that perspective, I’m here, reach out, the world is safer than it feels sometimes. Your life is meant to tell a beautiful story of joy and resilience, and there is always a supporting cast who helps make that happen. Trust it, believe in it, and surrender to the beauty that is this imperfect life because the only thing I can tell you for sure is that you are enough today, and whether it's a high or a low right now, it will to change.
With love and optimism,
Wendy
Throwback from 1994 that always makes me smile:)
***IF YOU NEED IMMEDIATE HELP CALL The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
People care, or they are curious, or both:) When people ask me what happened to my ankle, I tell them I had ankle surgery.
“Wendy, you need to start saying I had an ankle reconstruction.” said my amazing PT.
“I did?” I said.
Well, suddenly it made a lot of sense. Both because of the intense pain the first couple of weeks and the new beginning I feel now. There is space where there wasn’t before and with that space I have the opportunity to get stronger and grow to new levels of fitness and performance. I love it when my body and life parallel each other:) I believe this even at 47 years young. I get to decide what high performance looks like for me, and nothing is more exciting to me than plotting that path to BE BETTER…body, mind, and spirit.
While I’ve recovered and haven’t been able to be physically active while I heal, I’ve incorporated new recovery tools like breath work, cold exposure, and red light therapy with a disciplined process and my HRV, sleep patterns, and window of tolerance to balance the ups and downs of life with a more regulated nervous system have improved and my mind is strong. Shout out to the N=1 mentorship with Shift Adapt’s Emily Hightower and her amazing insight. Just because one aspect of our lives is compromised, it doesn’t mean there aren’t other areas we can shine light on to understand better.
On Monday I will be 100 % weight bearing and I’m ready to begin the physical journey with a stronger foundation than I had two months ago. I’m so grateful for new beginnings, and all about making them happen.
It’s Easter weekend, time to think about so much more than these volleyball games that give me so much joy to watch. Breaking down volleyball strategies with great players, coaches, and fans is one of my favorite things to do. I love the technical, the mindset, and the strategy…but even more than that, I love the stories behind the games and the relationships that have enriched my life in the deepest and most healing ways. That’s why I’m having such a great time with my new podcast, What I Meant to Say. Easter is about resurrection and new beginnings and that is something that resonates with my story over and over again and also with the people in my life that support my growth on a daily basis. Gratitude builds energy for the road ahead, I can’t recommend the practice enough.
Here are some takeaways that have come from this slow down to grow stronger process:
Everyone needs a place to feel safe to grow. My life has been forever changed by the healing place I get to call home and the people that have made it that way. Over the last few years, it’s been filled with good calming energy, but the gratitude I have for the cosmic connection that Cari Whitmore has provided in this healing time made my home feel safe when I felt vulnerable. She knows how to make my coffee…talk about a love language:) These talks, healing meals, connection, and care are part of a bigger story that is still playing out.
Surround yourself with people who believe in new beginnings. Mindset is a game changer. Do you believe that life is what you make it or that life is happening to you? Your thoughts determine your days.. While I stand squarely in the belief that the buck stops with me and the choices I make to shape each day, the people who chime in, send encouragement, and support a growth mindset are game changers in my life. Thank you to all of the people who have provided this for me over the last few months.
Self reflection is the key that unlocks the new cycle. On the podcast I recorded last week with my life long friend, school psychologist, coach, and parent Russell Raypon, as well as the one from this week with former volleyball pro, father, and cancer survivor Matt Prosser, we concurred that self reflection is a major key to unlock potential and growth, not to mention more meaningful life long relationships. I can’t wait to release these over the next few weeks. There is a new ‘What I Meant to Say’ podcast that comes out every Wednesday. Check it out wherever you listen to your podcasts!
Affirmations work. From time to time, the 2am demons still come to visit. Do you know them? They wake you up and remind you of everything that you haven’t finished and ask you if you are crazy to believe you can do what you believe you can when you wake up every morning? Affirmations are my go to in these moments to send the demons packing. Whatever you focus on will grow, believe that in every moment and use affirmations when your belief wavers. Belief in yourself is a muscle that can always be strengthened.
Decide what is important to you in your life, and be intentional about making it happen. It doesn’t matter if other people get it, move forward, and as you do, you will attract the people who are meant to be part of your new beginning. Here’s to strong foundations and the community and connection that support them. Thank you to the people who have supported me on this journey, from my cup of coffee to the encouraging Instagram DM, to the strangers who have helped me through airports. I’m grateful for every single thing that has brought me to this point, excited about the road ahead, and grateful for the processing skills that have helped me get to this place. It's been a reconstruction in more ways than one.
Happy Easter everyone, believe in new beginnings and everything is possible.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Epiphanies have always come to me in the water. As a swimmer, I used to wish that there was a device that would record my thoughts as I stared down at that black line. People say it’s a lonely sport, but as an adult with real world thoughts and challenges, it was an introvert’s dream. These days, post my Feb 14 ankle surgery, those deep thought processes are confined to the shower. This morning I was reconciling a conversation I had with Matthew, my 14 year old, who happens to be a very literal thinker.
“BE BETTER?” He asked. “Mom, that sounds harsh.”
I paused. Over this process of developing a mission driven business, I have wrestled with my ego, I’ve written, watched, learned, taken notes, had the best conversations and made connections with people I never knew were headed my way. But I have also sat frozen on my couch, completely overwhelmed, drowning in information and fear of failure, so the last thing I want to sound like to anyone reading or listening is harsh. What I figured out in that process though, is that no matter what our ego wants to tell us, this game of life, or even a battle on the court, it is never an all or nothing proposition.
Every life is filled with moments of victory and defeat, love and loss, process and achievement, but what ends up defining our journey is the way we learn to respond to whatever crosses our path. It was here that I learned to gain confidence because I believed in my ability to adapt, rather than base my confidence in what I already knew for sure. What a game changer. Yoga and mindfulness practices helped me learn to sink into a feeling of being instead of doing, and things began to flow, on the volleyball court and in my life. And that’s where the concept of ‘BE BETTER’ started. ‘BE BETTER’ isn’t harsh, it’s meant to give the grace to take it slow, so that we can feel safe enough to self-reflect and know that perfection is an illusion, so we don’t get stuck and try to do more and more to feel worthy. That is the prescription for burnout, not greatness.
Over the last few months, I added a podcast called ‘What I Meant to Say’ with the vision of giving ourselves some grace when we get the chance to tell our story with the benefit of hindsight. Another tenet I hold on to is that we go through difficult times in our lives, not just to make us stronger, but so that we can help others, and my hope is that these conversations will do that. With three releases so far, I can see the stories of athletes and leaders from all walks of life connect and synergize in a way that not only teaches growth mindset, but inspires us to make choices based on love not fear, and abundance instead of scarcity.
As I listened to these first three conversations, Episode 1 with Toni Rodriguez, Episode 2 with Savvy Simo, and Episode 3 with Kahlee York, all three NCAA beach volleyball alumni and current up and comers on the professional scene, and BE BETTER featured athletes. Through their stories, they connected a message of tenacity, sensitivity, and self care that makes both a good life and a great leader. Each of these vulnerable stories recounted the highs and lows of their journeys and will inspire you to live authentically as you compete in your own game of life. Their stories reinforced my belief that the best way forward is to compete with ourselves and collaborate with our communities so that we can be strong on our own and better together. To get where I am meant to go, I have had to stare down at my own black line and not worry about what is to either side of me, but when we come out at the end, I believe in the community of support that is there for all us just trying to BE BETTER, one breath at a time.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Song of the week, love the grace in these lyrics
I grew up in Fresno so I’m used to the heat. Whether it’s hot yoga or a toasty day on the beach, I play and feel better when I’m warm. I love the warmth I feel when I connect with other people and their life stories. But in eastern medicine, heat, or yang energy, especially in excess is something that causes inflammation, pain, and wear and tear on our bodies, and when I showed up at my friend and crazy talented acupuncturist Amanda’s this week, I had a lot of heat that needed to escape.
A week of travel, not enough sleep, relationships, and life logistics weighing on my mind without my usual outlets of hot yoga and volleyball for a couple of days, and I showed up at my appointment without much calm, yin energy. In short, I needed support, because what I do for myself on my own wasn’t cutting it. That yang energy can feel intense, it causes my shoulders to ride a little higher and my jaw to clench with tightness that I can feel when I wake up in the morning. If I didn’t take the time to feel how things show up in my body, I wouldn’t have the motivation that I do to make it better. To me it is the evolved version of being tough. Writing is part of that journey to self awareness too, and I am passionate about it because it has helped me feel and see my own progression over the past five years, just like the breath and movement I talked about last week. Without it, I wouldn’t notice the little signs of growth that are easy to take for granted like how easy it is for me to go places by myself now like I did on the 4th of July where I made lots of new friends, or the progress I’ve made being able to share my stories out in the world. Life is too short to live shut down or less than honest so this week I tried to take inventory of a few things life has taught me lately:
I’m a different human than I was five years ago, and yet more intense in the ways that have always been me. I’m feel deeply, but I’m not dramatic. I’m fiercely independent and hate being told what to do, yet also extremely coachable. I’m stubborn, but it can be used for growth and good. The beauty that makes us unique lies in our contradictions and gray areas and not everything has to make sense all the time. It’s the little things that count and connect me to the people I love and I’m grateful to have my kids and friends, old and new, in my corner. If you are looking for more connection in your life, raise your eyes and smile at people, ask questions, you never know when you will discover a new friend.
As humans, we are always works in progress, we don’t have to be perfect to build connection with other people, but we can only build lasting relationships if we are honest - that includes the happy and the more difficult communication that exists happens between us. I’ve learned that some of the hardest conversations are a dance, trying to figure out with grace for ourselves and others, what is ours to own, what to say out loud, what to hold back, when to hang on, and when to let go. Relationships are work, but they also have a beautiful honeymoon period, so I will always savor that.
To quote my friend Chrissy:
“As spiritual and human beings, we long for connection, and the hope of love is still alive in you and that is a beautiful thing that sometimes feels like an ache.”
Those words were too beautiful not to document. Man I love her and our conversations and we go the distance on mind, body &
spirit regularly.
3. Humor is a salve for everything. We have to be able to laugh at ourselves with others about what we know, what we think we know, and what we don’t know yet. It keeps us from taking ourselves too seriously, even if you are a thinker like me. I love having relationships where we can laugh together…I mentioned this in a post this week about my kids. When people feel safe and loved, laughter comes easily, and has the ability to heal so many wounded parts of ourselves. If you can’t find it in your relationships, keep engaging and looking for it every day because it is a game changer.
I’m a big believer that life is relative, it’s what makes my life with four kids just as hard and fruitful as someone with a completely different experience, but sometimes I realize that I still stuff down what is hard, and hide it under that mirage of calm, until the heat makes it’s way to the surface. I’m still learning how to work with this fire that has a tendency to rise up in me. Thanks for helping me merge it with my real calm Amanda, I’ll keep working with this heat of summer.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Wonder why this song came to mind….
I have a theory that keeps running through my head. It is based both in self compassion and growth and goes like this:
When we are younger, we learn big things… how to talk, play, and relate with others, we find out what we are good at, and what we can do with those talents. Most of us follow a similar path with school, friends, and relationships, and paint the canvas of our life with big broad strokes. If we keep it within the navigational beacons, (thanks to my brother in law for coining that phrase) many of us get to a similar point in life. As we get older though, little cracks start to form in our canvas and affect our daily life patterns and relationships, in large part because our subconscious patterns, that we haven’t taken any time to become aware of, begin to chip away at the days that once seemed so simple. The good news is, we get to make the decision anytime along the way, to acquire a finer paintbrush, and use it to create the little strokes that lead to greater self awareness. This is the brush that fills in these little cracks that have formed on the canvas of our life. If we do the work, we lead a more connected and expansive life. If we choose not to, the cracks weaken us and we end up living a much smaller existence just to survive it all. It’s up to us to decide if we want to go from the school art project that our mom hung on the fridge to a beautiful scene or landscape worthy of a great gallery. Contrary to what society or social media might led us to believe, that great gallery isn’t reserved for the most popular, but for those who decide to take on the challenge of knowing themselves better and uncovering the power of their story. It’s a brave process and sometimes painful in the short term, but as we have the courage to work through it, I believe we always come out better for it. Each of us is so unique, yet we also desire so much to connect and belong together. The only way to find that deep connection with others is to find it first within yourself by discovering your own uniqueness and the strength that lies within it.
In 2020, I am growing my life design coaching to include curriculum that helps people uncover the power of their own story. We each have unique gifts, the powers I have uncovered for myself in this process the last few years are the strength in my calm demeanor, and my ability to disarm and create genuine safety in conversations with others. Uncovering these strengths and not being afraid to acknowledge them, and then learn to use them to help others, has been an empowering process. As I build out a coaching curriculum that includes aspects of mind, body, and spirit, I can help people uncover the power of their own story to help them realize the path to their fullest reality.
Mind - Relationships, parenting, transitions, patterns of limiting beliefs; these are among my favorite runways to explore. Do you want to work on your relationship with yourself or others? Is there a transition, whether a new job, a move, or the beginning or ending of a relationship in your life? Are you trying to create a happier, more productive home with your children? I have experience in all of these areas and a non judgmental listening ear.
Body - Sleep, Nutrition, Movement, Recovery...they are all part and parcel of a healthy life. Are you looking to feel better, lighter, or more fit in 2020. All of these major areas of health in our lives can be broken down into small manageable steps that lead to a sustainable game plan to a healthier, happier you and there are practical tools to make this process successful.
Spirit - Our spirit is about connecting with things that we cannot see but can definitely feel If we are open to it. Are you blocking the good things in life that are yours with negative energy? Are you speaking to yourself in a way that affirms your best life? Do you recognize a power in the universe that is bigger than yourself? Connecting to something greater than us is one of the most compassionate ways to view your own story.
Life is not happening to you, it’s happening for you.
Your self awareness is the key to unlock your fullest potential and 2020 is all about your vision being clear. You have all of the answers, but sometimes it helps to have a fresh look at the situation to understand where your mind might be getting stuck. A coaching session with me is a calm place where my clients are free to dialogue about where they are today, where they want to go, and what, if anything, is standing in their way. I use my trained, non judgmental ear to help you discover more about yourself and the answers that work for you. Sometimes it’s the tiniest brush strokes on our canvas that make the biggest change in our picture. I understand that safety and belonging are among our most important needs as human beings and strive to provide that environment in each coaching session.
If you want to uncover the power of your own story in 2020, click here. Here’s to staying present but also to the excitement about all this new decade has to offer any of us willing to put in the work.
There is a picture on my bookshelf of a quote that I like. It reads:
“She needed a hero, so she became one.”
For most of my life I would have said that sounds like someone who is full of themselves…today I say it’s the quote of someone who has challenged themselves to find the power in their own story and sees the beauty in anyone else who wants to take control of theirs. The twists and turns of my life have caused me to wrestle with some big narratives, whether it was my shyness, or finding my core values in an less than traditional family set up, life is better the more we understand ourselves how know how we want to show up in the world. But, because I have examined my patterns and thoughts, I have found a level of connection, kindness, and calm that produce a deep level of contentment on most days. So many thoughtful conversations come from considering your own steps and observing others and then knowing what questions to ask. The nature of the narratives of our lives is that they are personal, what is true for one story, may not work for another…which is why we should stay away from judging other people’s perspectives and either bond with what we have in common or can find compassion for, or set boundaries to protect what we see as our best way forward in our own life. Going back to what I wrote about. last week, we can’t control other people, but we are solely responsible for creating the best version of ourselves.
Optimism doesn’t mean that every twist and turn of life is joyful and easy. In fact, it’s the tougher moments, the challenges, and even the stress in our lives, that comes to teach us and make us stronger. This reality gets sticky for me sometimes, usually around issues that I feel define my character and the way I present myself. I’ve had to learn to trust myself, rather than the outside opinions that I was a fan of taking in, and trust the gut that I have developed from a lifetime of listening.
At some point, we all have to take ownership for our own lives, figure out why we make the choices we do, embrace what we love about ourselves, and get after changing the things we don’t.
Because I believe so deeply in authenticity, but have also learned that not every story in our life is for everybody, I know that I have to be accept the fact that some will vibe with my personal philosophy of life and some will pass on it.
I had a little gathering at my new house not too long ago and when I stopped to pay attention, I was inspired by the generations of people that I find connection with. Every decade from teenagers, who are my kids friends, to people in their 70’s showed up to hang out. As I always say,
“pay attention to what you attract because it’s leading you to your purpose.”
This experience, hanging out with people who are a part of my life, whether at yoga, on the volleyball court or others who help me stay healthy and sane over the course of my days, inspires my belief in connection and generational learning and makes me want to create a world where people aren’t so guarded and afraid to tell their stories, so I lead by telling mine. It’s not for attention, it’s because writing is cathartic and creates a sense of belonging with people who get me.
Part of building a strong and supportive tribe is knowing that we won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and, if we try to be, we end up exhausted and hiding our uniqueness that we have to share if we want to create health and happiness in our lives.
For so much of my life I was the young one, always feeling like I had so much to learn, afraid to put myself out there, and yet with this little voice in my head telling me all kinds of cool insight and stories, probably why I enjoy my alone time. I didn’t know that learning to manage criticism and judgment were a natural part of gaining a stronghold on our own lives, so naturally, I tried to avoid anything that might draw attention to myself. In school, I was always the youngest in my class, then I got married at 22, so most of the couple friends we had were older than me because really, not many people, even 20 years ago were getting married that young. It’s only been in the passing of the last few years that I have taken over the roll of one of the older ones. It’s like my old soul has finally caught up, and now I want to make good on the time I have left, which has me thinking about some of the things I want to work on in the New Year…
I will continue to ask, and even more frequently, knowing that silence or even rejection (I still can’t decide which one is more internally uncomfortable) isn’t a reflection on my worth or purpose. I am the only one who defines it. There is always the possibility that a connection is created with a yes. If we control our own mind, an ask is at best a neutral position, and even better, we get a yes and move the ball down the field.
I will embrace the wisdom that comes with age and love myself for both the changes that come, and the work I put in to stay healthy and free. I’ve been putting a camera on my face more often and have noticed that my initial instinct is to be more critical of myself. I’m learning to put my face and my voice out there anyway, because what you see is the real me, getting better…and that’s the best thing we do each day for ourselves and the generations that come after us.
I will separate myself from judgment of anything but my own path, find compassion for my own story, and set the firm boundaries that create healthy relationships in my life. Today I know how to do this and I want to teach others how to feel the strength I feel from learning this essential life skill.
Why share your real story? Because it matters and it helps create understanding in this world. And you will indeed end up becoming your own hero when you find the power in your story. The pain is in the shadows, it begins to subside when we learn to bring it into the light. The challenge is to decide who to share it with, it doesn’t have to be in a blog…start with one person, find your connection, and the most beautiful healing will take root inside of you.
If we pay attention, history has a way of teaching us about our own destiny and fate. I have always loved a good history class. I’ve been fortunate throughout my life to have had history teachers who could communicate stories, some with calm, clear voices and some with more excitement that you could imagine, hands flailing around and even one who jumped off his desk, mid-lecture (George Cotkin, unforgettable, Cal Poly Fall 1992). Either way, these voices showed me the angles of history that could incite critical thought and great conversation...a testament to the power of a great teacher. In part, because these teachers sparked my interest in history, I became an observer of the people in my life that could tell me the stories that had come before me. Stories of strength and perseverance and grand plans that turned into reality. I have always had the sense that what came before me was there to teach me about my own life story and, I have been fortunate to have people put in my path to be proud of and to prove my theory true.
Today I woke up thinking about D Day. I don’t know how many people my age did that, maybe a lot, maybe not so many. I would be willing to bet though that there are far fewer in the generations younger than me, mainly because the storytellers of the Greatest Generation have not been a part of the younger generation's day to day experience and, as humans, we learn so much more through story and experience than hard text.
When emotion is weaved through historical data, it embeds in our hearts and minds in a much more profound and impactful way. I grew up with a grandmother who told stories of being stationed at Elveden Hall (think Eyes Wide Shut and, more recently, All The Money In The World, they were filmed there) in England in World War II. She was a secretary to General Partridge and one of the first members of the WAAC, the Women’s Army Auxilary Corp. Her stories were my first taste of ground breaking female strength and conviction, and I always admired the way she radiated those qualities in the most humble, grace filled way. She also used the tenacity it took to get her to that point of her life, defying odds and breaking barriers, to carry her through both blessed and, more importantly, difficult life circumstances after the war, always using that strength to be a constant light to other people who crossed her path.
In 2012, I had the opportunity to visit Normandy and see the beaches and rocky cliffs. It was the trip of a lifetime. Even better, I shared this trip with my dear friends, one of whom had been there before with his father Jack, who had shared his story on that trip, as they traced his journey through the European battlefront to celebrate his 90th birthday. Jack landed at Omaha Beach on June 7, 1944. Note the irony of that date. As fate would have it, his ship was delayed by bad weather after leaving England, and when it arrived in the waters beyond Omaha beach, the fighting had moved inland. Hours and even minutes can make such a difference in the outcomes of our lives. A delay of 24 hours could have been the difference that afforded him a life well lived. A story that includes a wife, six kids, and more grandkids and great grandkids than I can count. Jack turned 100 on September 6, 2017 and is still going to work today. Born just two days after my grandmother, and as fate would have it again, they became friends much later in life, after the war, going to party's, traveling together, and sharing a life that looked much different than the days of World War II. On top of that, I am fortunate to call Jack's son and daughter in law among my closest friends...like attracts like.
The strength of the Greatest Generation will always be something I admire and use to motivate me in our modern world, in the face of fading human contact and the instant gratification that we face as a society every day. I am so grateful to have had these stories passed on to me to wake up with every day. When I stop for a minute, and let the stories I have been told sink in, the universal truths are there for the taking. Perseverance in the face of adversity, belief that both fate, and our own discipline, choices, and actions, have a hand in telling our story, and above all, that love, family and friendship will carry a story through many generations, if we care enough and are brave enough to tell it. May we all have the courage to create stories worthy of telling to those who come after us.
