There are a million reasons why people find it difficult to be themselves. Between codependency, people pleasing, FOMO, FOPO, traumatic experiences and relationships, getting to the essence of our being and feeling free enough to express ourselves is life’s greatest challenge and gift. Being that it’s almost the 4th of July and post that tragic Presidential debate, it is more enticing for me to focus on the freedom that lies within each of us when we learn to be more authentically ourselves and hope that our healing and autonomy create a groundswell for our country. I’m excited to start sharing a vision I’ve been working on for some time now that aligns with my nature as a mother and healer, my two favorite hats I’ve loved wearing in this life.
I’ve lived in many homes over my lifetime and I’d venture to guess there will be more. Home is a feeling, not a place for me, so the reason I am where I am right now is because of the feeling I got when I walked into this space for the first time. It was warm and inviting and safe; a place where I could hang my ‘Cultivate Calm’ sign and Maya Angelou quotes on the walls and start to find my way back to myself again. Built in 1937, it’s a happy house that is meant to be shared and nothing feels better than doing that with my kids, family and friends.
Beyond my life at home, guiding four kids through some of the most heart opening events and stories, as well as some amazing mothers and daughters that have become chosen family. I have gravitated to so many healing modalities from body and energy work to narrative therapy and yoga, each of them has played and built deep connections with healers that I believe are making the world better one session at a time. On these tables and in their classes, I have established deep trust and friendship with so many talented and loving humans.
I’m excited to blend what I’ve learned from them, as well as my training in The Emotion Code and Somatic Coaching work to help others unlock their own self healing and find the freedom that comes with our fullest expression of self. My creativity, wisdom and practitioner knowledge are finding a home of their own this summer, blending ancestral knowledge and healing practices to help elevate the path for young women and athletes. The first events of this vision will come to fruition this summer.
Stay tuned. I'm excited to reveal more information in the coming weeks about how you can get involved.
With optimism,
Wendy
I’ve fallen asleep for the last five nights swimming in a sea of gratitude for this place, it’s absolutely alive with the most magnificent energy I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never been “glamping” but I would consider this trip exactly that. We dropped in on a place in the rainforest where people are the visitors and our energy was on loan from the trees and wild creatures that call it home. It was a week of calm, the jokes were pure and funny, and we found one of those places in the world that will make me better just because I know it exists. Luke wants to bring home a monkey, I want an Ocelot…since neither will happen, I guess we’ll have to come back to visit.
So often the lesson for me is about letting go -
Letting go of expectations, of control, of the way things are supposed to look, and when I slow down and see what is, I realize that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. There will always be things in life that come to challenge us and make us stronger, but when it’s peaceful and good, don’t forget to sit and watch it for a moment, you can see the energy glow in this place. It lowers my heart rate and brings tears to my eyes, because often I forget about the time that has passed and the places we have had to go to get to this place.
The last podcast I did before we came on this glorious trip was with Jim Karas, New York Times best-selling author, he and his daughter wrote Confessions of a Division I Athlete together. One of the things we talked about was the importance of showing your kids your mistakes.
What I realized on this trip
We have broken through to a place that is so real and honest that anywhere feels like home, and we have a closeness even when we aren't together. It’s a beautiful place to sit, be able to trust this energy, and know how to stoke its fire to help them create a life path that has no expectation of what they will be, just who they will be. My deepest desire for each of them is to be strong, kind, unselfish, and free.
I saw our family’s collective nervous system on this trip. It's healing and it's good for all of us. To be able to downshift together wasn’t just calming, but confidence-building as well.
Lean in
As I sat on the back of the jet ski with my 17-year-old driving, I realized that I’ve spent most of my life struggling to lean into the curve and go with the struggle. That need for control comes when I try to avoid what I don’t want to happen, rather than trusting that the struggle is part of the process to lead to exactly where we are supposed to go. This week that struggle broke free to a beautiful flow that I’ll never forget. It’s a wonder to sit and look at these beautiful giant humans…22, 20, 17 & 15. This is a definitive sweet spot. What a ride it’s been, and with our energy recharged, it feels like it’s just getting started.
With optimism,
Wendy
A new one from one of Luke's favorites;)
I usually don’t have the title of a blog when I sit down to write, generally speaking it comes last. But I have leaned into something new that has given me so much peace in the hardest moments of transition that I knew it was time to write about it. I’ve been working with Emily Hightower, a beautiful mentor who helps so many with her deep knowledge of the intersection of biology and psychology. To have time with her each week to process and apply what I have known intuitively forever has been a gift. Just like every athlete has a coach that says something in a way that instantly changes their process, Emily had a zinger for me a few weeks back:
“It’s about alchemy, not strategy.” she said.
Instantly I knew what she meant, and I connected with the truth that strategy is exhausting. When I fall into it, It doesn’t take too long until inspiration and energy feel tapped out.
Do you know what alchemy is? According to Webster it’s a seemingly magical process of transformation, creation or combination. But I have a new definition.
Alchemy is what happens when we lean in and trust our mind, body, and spirit and all the energy around us to support us in a process of growth and change…which life always seems to have in store for us in one way or another.
Whether it’s a graduation, new job, new team, beginning or ending of a relationship or launching a new venture, we can often get stuck thinking there is just a technical strategy to get from Point A to Point B. When we become aware of our own special alchemy though, we develop what works uniquely for us in the midst of all the data and universal truth out there. Alchemy is freeing and never forced and gives you the energy and ability to trust in transition. It’s what I depend on to create stories and coach others along the journey too.
It’s a time of year that always reminds me that change is the only constant. Somehow that should make me feel better at this point, but change is hard. As human beings we crave what we know, we will even repeat patterns that aren’t healthy because we haven’t learned to work with the alchemy of change.
Here are some of the ways we can honor alchemy over strategy:
Embrace what Is and look for the beauty. I encounter things on my path everyday that remind me of what I want in the future and things that feel different than how I thought I wanted them to feel. But finding gratitude for what is always brings me back to the infinite possibility of change and gives me the energy to work for it.
Work with your limbic brain. This is the most primal part of our brain that functions to keep us safe at all costs. If this part of our brain hasn’t learned to feel safe, our executive functioning logical brain will not be able to convince our body and spirit of anything. To work with this part of your brain, try using the pronoun you with any affirmations you use. YOU will finish this project. YOU will make the team. YOU are loved. YOU is the specific pronoun that speaks to this part of your brain, try it. It’s worked wonders for me and I think you will feel something release deep inside of you that unleashes a calm through any change or challenge you experience.
Work with your biology. There are so many active recovery strategies that I highlight in my High Performance Zen Course that you can engage with to promote cellular change in your body that your mind and spirit will begin to embrace. Through breathwork, cold plunges, yoga, meditation and sound healing, I have used each of these to develop my own healing alchemy through so much traumatic change. Whether the transition to single life and parenting or the ankle reconstruction I have been healing through since February, each of these processes that helped me create peace, self awareness and forward progress instead of giving in to self doubt in uncharted territory.
Try Reiki - Working with the energy in your body and the universe, reiki is able to stimulate the natural healing process to promote deeper health and healing. I would love to show you how. It’s calming, safe and gentle and you will love it. It’s safe for athletes, kids, I even use it on my animals and brings deep calm and connection to your mind, body and spirit.
What I know at this point is that life is one long transition. It’s going to bring you things that are greater than you ever expected and deliver blows that knock you off your feet. But trust in the alchemy that will bring peace to the process and help you BE BETTER with each passing day. Feel into it this weekend and enjoy it. Rest in the knowledge that what you need to succeed is within you and keep your eyes and heart open to what will add to your process. We are bringing it to you at BE BETTER. Come join us on this journey, and add your alchemy to this amazing process.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
Check out this awesome flow mix that I love to write to. Music is always part of my alchemy:)
Hi. I’m Wendy. Even though I’ve written over 200 blogs, you don’t really know me. I show you glimpses of me in my writing, if you have seen it. But even though I write openly about my life, you don’t know everything; I suppose that’s how it should be. I worry about exposing too much. But after my divorce, I discovered even though losing hurts, there is always something we can take from a loss to BE BETTER. I have been on this journey to help understand our generational stories and help create environments where we feel safe enough to share what we go through and understand ourselves and relate to each other BETTER. At the root of it all, that is what I know has to happen to make life BETTER. We have to be brave enough to ask questions, be proud of our strengths, and know where we can grow. At the same time, we must care about what it is like to walk in someone else’s shoes and not be so quick to judge when someone thinks differently than us. The world is made up of so many different perspectives, and we have to know that ours isn’t the only one.
I’ve spent most of my life afraid of attention. It’s been my experience that when I stepped out of my comfort zone to claim some space where I felt that pull of authenticity, I would run into trouble. That fear has held me back in so many areas of life…on the court, in relationships, and in understanding my own vision and contribution to the world. One problem that I know I have encountered along this journey, and maybe you can relate, is that I believed there were two playing fields. I thought I had to play on the practice field and wasn’t ready (and may never be) for the Friday night lights. I knew how to prepare others for those places, I’m great at recognizing strengths in others and coaching them along, but I’ve come to understand that came much easier than recognizing my own greatness. We all have greatness, and that is why I'm so fascinated with what turns potential into performance.
As I have walked this road to understand myself BETTER, I realized that my relationships weren’t always aligned with my vision and, when they weren't, all this crazy chatter would start in my brain. Imposter syndrome, fear of failure, all the things that naturally occur in us as our energy looks toward the light. Today I also know that it is also just my nervous system trying to protect me, and I’ve done lots of work to learn more about how to balance and bring calm to the chatter so I can continue to follow my vision to tell stories that help humanity and connect people with their own greatness.
I believe that people learn through stories because they disarm the listener and help us zero in on the universal truths that unite us as humans. When we identify with a feeling we have had ourselves, we are less likely to judge, or jump to conclusions. My favorite ways that stories play out are through sports, music, and the way that they are both microcosms of, and inspiration for, American life. I’ve been so amazed to see that the things I thought were just pastimes for me turn into a full fledged vision to use my gifts and talents to help the world BE BETTER. No matter what you read in the news right now, what is going on in your home, on your team, or in any other relationships in your life, I know this:
Love>Fear
Listening>Talking
Abundance > Scarcity
Growth mindset > Fixed mindset
Real>Right
Optimism > Cynicism
It’s not lost on me that both of my older kids experienced painful losses on the volleyball courts this past week as Stanford just barely missed a trip to the NCAA tournament, and TCU took an early exit at their NCAA tournament after going in ranked #2. What wasn’t lost on me though was that as much as defeat hurts in the moment, they were able to bounce back with musical experiences, strong relationships, and American life. Luke’s pictures from Stagecoach and Lauren’s text to me about the country music she got to take in after the loss remind me that it’s all connected to this amazing American experience we get to cultivate with our families if we focus on the right things. I’m here to tell you, those stories are not on the news right now, and I’m here to tell them. They are so much bigger than my life, or my family. From The Optimists Journal to What I Meant to Say, and more to come, BE BETTER is here to inspire with stories that fill you with optimism that gives you energy to work to make life and this world BETTER.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
And as always....truth in the lyrics and a smile while you listen
One of my favorite things is to wake up to an inspirational text from my friend Chrissy. She is an amazing writer and mom (check out her blog Life with Greyson + Parker) and when we met 10 years ago, we were trying to figure out the ins and outs of having kids on the autism spectrum, even though neither of us actually had diagnosis’s yet for our children. She is one of the best silver lining humans that I know, we are kindred spirit introverts that just get each other. As we went back and forth this morning, waxing philosophical even before we had had our coffee, our words pointed to what I was already writing about this week…our tendency as humans to compare ourselves to one another and the jealousy that it can create. I’ve learned over the last few years that there are so many ways to do life, and once we find the courage, it’s just easier to be ourselves, without apology, than think we need to copy anyone else’s journey.
For me that has meant connecting deeply to the world of sports…a place that has always been an outlet for my nervous energy but also one where I feared that I couldn’t hang. As a younger athlete, I lacked confidence and it became the thing that I most wanted to teach my kids, not just on the court, but in life, so they could find and pursue their passions, whatever those passions may be, and nothing makes me happier than to see them learn to lead doing what they love to do. We all need that place in life. As athletes my older two have had some of the highest highs, like achieving their dreams of playing at the Division 1 level, and also battled through lows like injuries (I think Lauren inherited my weak ankles) and heartbreak, (let’s get this reinstatement taken care of @gostanford), but above all have come through difficult circumstances on and off the court that shape their character and build their resilience in life in a way that makes me so proud. Through my parenting journey, I have seen how much the world of coaching and parenting intersect, and how comparing our lives to anyone else’s, diminishes our potential to make the impact we were meant to make on the world. Even saying you have the desire to make an impact is scary. It brings out the fear of failure and the dreadful feeling of imposter syndrome, that “who am I to" (fill in the blank).
As humans we have a tendency to compare and even be jealous of what other people seem to be or have in their lives when all that does is contract our own unique path. It’s got me thinking about the impact comparison and jealousy have on our happiness and performance, individually and as part of any team. Teams come in many forms…work, families, sports, clubs…anything that has an established culture that we are a part of, for better or for worse. This week I had the privilege to get the feedback from an masterful Championship winning volleyball coach and a 2016 Olympian on how they handle these concepts in their own lives, and on their own teams. I’m so grateful for these conversations and connections, here is what they had to say:
“Everyone on a team has to feel like they are an integral part of the team. People may have different roles on a team/organization, but each individual needs to feel appreciated, they add value to the central mass, and that they have freedom to fulfill their individual role. As the leader, I need to convey to the troops what is the environment that THEY would like to be part of. I then give verbal praise in front of the entire group whenever I see actions of the culture we want. Then almost a competition can develop of who can do the most “positive actions”, because generally people like to be praised! One of the first messages I will say after saying “hello” is that we are not going to have jealousy for one another. If I give praise to someone for positive actions, we are NOT going to talk negatively about the “doer of good deeds”. I ask for each team member to take a symbolic one step forward if they agree to not to be jealous of the doer. Then when I give the first positive comments to someone in front of the group, I will IMMEDIATELY joke and say to the group something like, “hey, we’re not mad at so and so are we?”. At the end of the practice, I ask for players to nominate one another as the “player of the practice” and the players have to be SPECIFIC why they are nominating a teammate (“Suzy reassured me after I mad an error”, “Sally’s servers were on and scored many points”, “Sam had that one incredible dig”. I make a point we want to honor physical plays AND selfless actions as well. This makes the less athletic kids know they can be honored by being selfless teammates. -Tommy Chaffins, Prep Volleyball Coach of Year, Max Preps Coach of Year, Daily Breeze 11x Coach of Year, Redondo Union High School Head Coach (and someone I have seen personally create culture where teenage girls learn to both support each other and compete!)
“I think jealousy is a good teacher. Usually when we feel bouts of jealousy they are signals that someone else has something we would like to have ourself. I think recognizing this before it becomes detrimental to yourself and/or your team is the number one key. Since feeling jealousy reveals those things we wish we could have, it can act as a gateway to walking the path to finding the best version of yourself as a player, teammate, athlete etc. If you feel feelings of jealousy because your teammate is starting and you aren’t, what actionable step can you take to improve your chances of seeing playing time more? Do you need to spend some more time getting extra repetitions at a specific skill? Do you need to spend more time in the weight room building foundational strength? This is just one example of how we can turn feelings of jealousy into positive actions. Another way to look at jealousy is through the scope of building your own internal confidence and high self-worth. Your feelings are ultimately in your control. When we are in an environment where jealousy is at the forefront it’s a signal that there is inner work yet to be done. There is never anything anyone is doing outside of us to make us feel jealous, those feelings are solely felt because of our own perspective of what is going on or what is being conveyed to us. Within a team we want to feel connected, and build trust and have a foundation of confidence from the coaching staff to the training staff to the players. Valuing one another and treating others with respect and full support is the main goal within a team. So those very fragile feelings of jealousy can easily be released if we focus the right kind of energy on them and take actionable steps to rid ourselves of them too. - Carli Lloyd, 2016 Olympian, Professional Indoor Volleyball Player, expecting mom, May 2021, writer of her blog, Show Up With Me - and someone who has the one of the greatest blends of compassion and competitiveness I have ever seen.
We find our purpose when we use our passion to create something unique to us that has an impact on something larger than ourselves. When we connect to our higher self on the most intimate level, our goals become so specific, there is no way to compare them.. Every week that I write, I get closer to making that impact that I want to make: to raise generational consciousness and teach life lessons through sports so we can make our greatest impact and develop deeper empathy for all of the stories of the human condition. My challenge to you this week is to get so clear on the impact that you want to make on this world that you can see who adds beautiful connection and collaboration to your life and that you you would never again dream to compare yourself to anyone else.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Photo credit: Anthony Moore (@amoorephoto_)
Brenda Cash (@brendacashphotography) for the photo in my email if you get my blog updates there;)
And because there is always a song that comes to mind. when I write….
