I wouldn’t have been able to write this eight years ago when he left. So much goes into rebuilding a life and it’s not linear. There have been many missteps and a lack of understanding of where I was at the time and why, but from the time it happened, I always had the question in my mind…how did I end up here? Divorce is hard, but staying in a relationship that isn’t healthy is worse and I believe that we go through hard things in life not just so we can grow, but also so we can help other people.
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash
I never knew that burnout after divorce was so prevalent but it makes sense to me now. After such a life throttling event, we are susceptible to the complete mental, physical and emotional exhaustion that defines burnout. When you can’t engage or find joy in things that used to be meaningful it’s past time to take an assessment of where you are and how to bring connection back into your life. For me it has involved holding myself to a standard of productivity in a quest to try and find myself that led me to the deep exhaustion that defines burnout. True healing is found in the ability to understand when to push and when to rest, all the while being present enough to bring focus to the circumstances that life brings us that we can’t control. For me, with four kids that I love more than anything in this world, that is a lot of circumstance! Especially if you are the core parent. It is so important that you begin to heal, so you can help them from a place of strength. There is so much that is dropped into your world that you have to handle on your own, so carving out time for yourself to be able to rest, think and feel is paramount in this process.
Photo by Aleksandra Boguslawska on Unsplash
Through trial and error and over the last eight years walking this path, I have discovered some processes and philosophies that help mitigate burnout, even on the days when it feels like the walls around you are crumbling. In fact, sometimes the walls crumbling is a good thing…it just takes some time to see that. So if you are in the beginning stages of a breakup or divorce, and especially if you are parenting kids through it, I hope some of these thoughts will help.
Photo by Sean Stratton on Unsplash
Beyond that I would be remiss to say if you can invest in this process, acupuncture, infrared saunas, massage and body work like Rolfing, somatic work and talk therapy are all amazing ways to learn to regulate your nervous system and so you are able to integrate your body, mind and spirit and heal. Most of all, find healthy ways to learn to honor your feelings without getting trapped in any stories that your mind is telling you. There is always a way through, if you are willing to slow down and look and listen for it and from this place you will find a whole new flow.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Photo by Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash
Wendy Jones with her youngest son, Matthew.
The truth is, we can’t make up for the hurt that divorce causes, we can only show our kids how to heal and become healthy again. Spoiling them with attention, money, things, lack of consequences only perpetuates the agony for them and burns you out as a parent. Depending on custody arrangements you contend with different things, but whether you are split custody or the full time parent, learning to be your child's ally in the quest for their highest potential instead of their friend is invaluable. The best things take time to develop, including helping a child grow into an adult who isn’t entitled, needs instant gratification and understands how to regulate their own emotions. For more parenting perspectives, head over to the Be Better Media’s Youtube: Parenting Playlist.
Photo by Felicia Buitenwerf on Unsplash
I pass a wall everyday after yoga that has the words “You Are Enough” painted on it. Sometimes I still wrestle with it, but more often than not now, it resonates deep and I find my flow through life’s ups and downs that I never would have imagined I would know how to handle. With each challenge, I see the Divine footprint in it all, and it calms me. What the art on the wall doesn’t have the space to say is by understanding that you are enough you unlock the journey to authenticity that is the true meaning of your new beginning. Authenticity is the true antidote to burnout, breathe it in, follow your heart, and find your bliss. You are worth it.
With optimism,
Wendy
I had the chance to revisit my 19 year old mind this week with a reconnection that happened because of this crazy social media world. I have journals, but the chance to look back on a letter I wrote to someone else about life in that season, my sophomore year of college, was even more special. Hard to believe that I have two kids now that are living that life and older than me at the time I wrote those words. As a writer, a chance to look back on what I wrote is one of the greatest gifts you could give me. In fact, it’s the reason I started my blog… so that I could give myself and my kids that experience in the future, see the road we all traveled from my view, and hopefully learn some things along the way. The writing skills at 19 weren’t what jumped out at me though, it was the the story, it’s always the story. And my greatest realization as I read the screen shot of that letter on my Iphone, was how simple life was back then. The pace, the innocent things that caused the right amount of stress, like a final project deadline, the memory of keeping one room organized and going to bed with all of the laundry done and things in their place. The art of the letter…write, seal, stamp, send off with the hope that it will be received, and then wait to see if someone would take the time to write you back is all history now, but talk about delayed gratification in the best way.
There have been more stories in the mental health space this week, we’ve lost yet another NCAA athlete to suicide, I didn’t know her, but saying her name out loud, Sarah Shultze, brings chills to my skin. She is the third athlete in a little over a month to take her own life. I’ve never been to that dark place in my mind, but it’s scary and heartbreaking every time I try to contemplate it. As someone who has battled anxiety and a dysregulated nervous system most of my life without the words or realization of what was going on inside me, I can connect intimately to the story of human struggle. My lens is that of a mom, coach, athlete, and writer who wants to create calm and connection through these stories from the highs and lows of life. The through line this week was a glimpse of life circa 1994 and the reality of what I live today with my own kids at that same stage. There are so many differences in how we live from then to now, but the things that ground us stay the same. These are some thoughts that bring more peace to my mind:
In the course of a little over a week we've gone from Division I Volleyball highs and lows, IEP meetings with the most brilliant team at Hermosa Valley School who care so deeply it brings tears to my eyes, incredible connections and stories on ‘What I Meant to Say’, and watching my kids surrender to what is and enjoy their lives. Even with my body still compromised from this ankle reconstruction, nothing brings me more joy. We are so much more than what any one moment brings, but the chance to look back this week was a gift that I am grateful for. Presence is key, but perspective is the gift that helps us see where we want to grow and BE BETTER. When we choose the right one, we have the energy to tell the story we are meant to tell. If you ever need help reframing that perspective, I’m here, reach out, the world is safer than it feels sometimes. Your life is meant to tell a beautiful story of joy and resilience, and there is always a supporting cast who helps make that happen. Trust it, believe in it, and surrender to the beauty that is this imperfect life because the only thing I can tell you for sure is that you are enough today, and whether it's a high or a low right now, it will to change.
With love and optimism,
Wendy
Throwback from 1994 that always makes me smile:)
***IF YOU NEED IMMEDIATE HELP CALL The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Over the past five years, I have learned so much from my body. I didn’t realize I had left it, in many ways I had disconnected from it long ago to protect myself from all of the things highly sensitive people feel. But as I’ve come back into it, through breath, movement and human connection, I began to realize everything that I still expect of it. I still want to swim, play, and flow, through life. I decided that I wanted more for myself, that I wanted not just to dream more, but to be more, to feel and fall in love with myself in a way that would make my life better and set an example for my kids that could help change the trajectory of their lives too.
My north star is to heal patterns of generational pain that cause us to shut down and develop compensating patterns and defense mechanisms that harm our relationships with ourselves and others and keep us off the path to our fullest potential. And one thing I know for sure is that the path starts with a firm foundation, and for the past 10 years I have had a hard time feeling my feet firmly planted on the ground.
What I know is that our physical, mental, and energetic bodies are not separate and with a degenerative right ankle and a bad surgery I had in 2012 that displaced my heel position, I had struggled to get both feet squarely on the ground beneath me. My foot positioning impacted my ability to balance well and use both sides of my body equally. The repercussions that came from that were many, from compensating patterns, to not being able to train certain muscles even if I wanted to, to feeling very vulnerable to anything that was coming at me from the right side. And even though most people would never have noticed, I knew that it was time to correct course and get my feet firmly planted on the ground again. They are our foundation, where we gain the ability to ground our thoughts and actions and begin to let in the sensations that tell us where we are in space. Although I have tried every intervention you can think of from massage, to myofascial tissue release, to acupuncture, to get my foundation back, I needed some Western medicine to intervene. On Feb 14, I woke up after surgery at Kerlan Job (can’t say enough about the quality of their care!) with my heel back underneath my foot and the strong possibility of a full recovery to a strong foundation. This is where my optimism shines…I know it’s going to happen and it’s worth every non-weight bearing moment.
As I journeyed home from the surgery center, a car ride I barely remember after a 2.5 hour surgery, the one thing I do recall was coming back into my home. This gratitude I have for the calm, regenerative space that I have owned for the past 3 years is immense. Hobbling back in on my crutches, I had the same feeling as the first time I saw it. My home has a healing spirit, and I feed it everyday with essential oils, lavender sprays, and routine saging and palo santo burns so it can keep its ability to strengthen and restore anyone who lives here or comes to stay. Even though life has landed me in a very nice neck of the woods on California’s Pacific Ocean, It’s never about being fancy, this space is about safety and connection and providing a place where people can gather to restore and feel understood.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve needed so much help to keep my universe on track - non weight bearing and can’t drive - and the support that has poured in has flooded my heart with gratitude. From the meals, rides, and company, to the calls and texts to check in, I can’t thank you enough for the ways I have felt loved - my home has felt like a sort of co-op and it has been the most amazing feeling. This has been my body’s chance to heal and slow down, but also my mind's journey to greater places and my spirit's time to recharge to give me the energy to see my vision through. The connection I have made over the past few weeks coming through the pain of surgery to insure a solid foundation is that without that, I would not be able to keep this roof over my head that I am so grateful for. What I know for sure is that the foundations that we build, shape the homes we create and the roofs over our head. The cool thing is it’s never too late to work on our foundations.
As I watch from a distance what is going on in the world, I know there is so little I can do on a grand scale, but my north star of generational healing is a little piece of parallel universe that allows me to give back and makes me feel less helpless.
I want to leave you with a quote from C.S. Lewis that struck me this week in the wake of all that humanity faces today:
“If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things - praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting with our friends over a pint and a game of darts - not huddled together like freightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds. “
Whether the microbes that have consumed our lives for the past two years or the heartbreaking destruction in Ukraine, I am praying for peace through strength and strong foundations...from the ones beneath our feet that we are responsible for, to the ones we create in our homes, and out into the far reaches of the world, so that the human spirit can live freely with safe roofs over their heads. Praying for the safety of the Ukrainian people who deserve to live in peace and do all of the sensible things C.S. Lewis’s words so eloquently expressed. Not a small prayer, but for each of us it starts with doing the next right thing so we can be a little bit better today to be stronger, so that we may be free tomorrow.
I’m a storyteller, not a scientist. But I love when science backs up what my intuition tells me is true. Mindfulness became a thing in my life slowly. Podcasts I listened to were talking about it, my yoga practice led me to experience the power of slowing my breath, and I knew that studies had proven that at the eight minute a day mark, it was shown to begin to change the human brain. Five years ago, I also knew that my brain was due for an overhaul…even if it was a little bit at a time. So I started meditating, using a little app called Insight Timer, that guided me through.
When I think about this past week, my mind knows to seek the high points; connecting with new friends, having Luke home for dinner, a surprise pickup at LAX and lunch with my best friend that I didn’t see coming. But to be transparent, I’ve had my share of low points too. A shooting in a Torrance parking lot that I frequent, threats of violence at California schools, endless regulations that affect our everyday lives that don’t seem to have any positive impact on the numbers, and are having a negative impact on my own and the next generation’s mental health. Usually these moments come at the end of a long day, somewhere between 8-10pm (historically not my finest hours) and I have this sense of sadness that begs for me to consult a quote from my book:
“Sometimes all you need is another sunrise.”
That thought, and coming back to my mindfulness practice seem to bring me back to my usually optimistic self by the next morning.
The other thing that I have learned over the last five years is that nothing is random, every point in our lives is connected to a picture and purpose greater than ourselves, the question is whether we will lift our eyes, open our ears, release the grip that fear has on us, and focus long enough to connect with it, another thing that my mindfulness practice has helped me to do. It teaches me to recognize and reframe any bad narrative that I have going in my head, or just slow down and be present and see where I can be of service, but this past Wednesday night I had a first hand experience with how it has changed what felt like every cell in my body.
To give you a point of reference from an unhealthier time in my life, if you don’t already know this, Matthew, my youngest, had a near death experience and almost drown when he was two. After pulling him out of the pool and witnessing all that came after that, I had moments of panic, so much anxiety, flashbacks, and moments of time that I would want to jump out of my skin. Loud noises would make me jump, another baby’s cry would send me running to find him, and if he didn’t answer me immediately after I called his name or I couldn’t find him for 30 seconds, it would send me into a tailspin. It’s a difficult way to live, both for me and the people around me. My heart goes out to those who struggle like this for years, even decades without relief. I have been fortunate to seek and find healing tools that have pulled me from this anxious space - from meditation, yoga, acupuncture, talk therapy - I’ve explored a lot of healing - and it’s had a life affirming effect on my days. Almost in a way that you don’t notice it…because the darkness and agitation lifts little by little.
But to bring it back to Wednesday night, dinnertime. No matter how tumultuous some dinners have been over the years, it is still one of my favorite things about having a family. In fact, I’m convinced that if we had more sit down dinners in this country we could solve so much of the disconnection and loneliness that we collectively feel these days. Families need time to unwind and talk, even invite their neighbors in to chat. As we finished our dinner and cleared the dishes to the kitchen, Matthew rinsed plates and loaded them in the dishwasher. Luna, our one year old, ball obsessed puppy, got her ball stuck under the dishwasher door and as she tried to retrieve it, she bumped the open dishwasher and the fully loaded bottom rack went flying across the kitchen. The sound was excruciating, it seemed to carry for miles and go on for 10 minutes. But for me, what in actuality lasted 2 seconds, happened in slow motion. As I watched the bottom rack fly through the air, I saw it in slow motion and wondered if I could catch it, assessed that I couldn’t, thought about the fact that I had no shoes on, and stepped away from the flying dishes and steak knives that came crashing down on the ceramic tile floor, plates breaking in pieces, with shards of glass everywhere. Luna was shaking, Matthew started to panic, but I was fine…didn’t even flinch. I could take a deep breath, and Luke and I were able to tell and show Matthew that no one was mad, that it was an accident, and he wasn’t in trouble. It was worth the broken dishes and the clean up to feel that sense of control over my mind and body. Small improvements over time add up and change the culture of families…and it spreads from there.
For all the negative talk in the news these days about “exposure”, I’m grateful for the positive, healing forces and habits that I have been exposed to. Mindfulness, acupuncture, real sleep habits, sunlight, feet in the soil, so many things that affirm life and keep the anxiety and fear based mindset at bay. Little by little, mindfulness is unwinding the tension and anxiety that isn’t healthy for families or societies to live with. To live life to the fullest is to confront risk and decide how we are going to handle it. Although we can never control it all, we have a lot of choice in what are exposed to. Love over fear, out over in, and as was so eloquently put in the amazing movie I watched this week with Kate on Netflix, Tick, Tick, Boom…wings over cages. Slow down and think about it, it’s powerful.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Here’s the song from Tick Tick Boom…lyrics are golden!!
It took a little work and a few conversations, but I had my mind settled comfortably around spending Thanksgiving on my own. Thankfully, being thankful is not something I save for one day of the year, and although I wrote from Hawaii last week and am thankful for the experiences in life that blow my mind, I count my blessings for the heat in my house and the gas in my car daily…warmth, mobility, and freedom.
It’s an off year, so I didn’t have my kids on Thanksgiving but they were coming home on Friday, and it didn’t feel worth battling traffic or airport crowds to make that turnaround happen. I’ve noticed no matter how much my mind is able to say a holiday or birthday is “just another day” it takes more processing to get myself to really believe it. But just in time, I got my mind to that peaceful place and was looking forward to a quiet day in front of my fire with my favorite books, settled in, no turkey, no traffic…then my friend Guy extended an invite that felt right and I found myself sitting next to a great grandmother at their dinner table. As we started talking, there was a sense of something familiar about her, she told me about her five sisters, her 90 years on earth, and pointed out her great grandchildren across the room.
“When’s your birthday?” I asked
“December 10.” She answered.
Mine is too. We were kindred spirits. And I had to give myself a moment to imagine what it must be like to look at a room full of people that had so much less experience in life, but you now rely on to help make every day happen. The circle of life takes active participation from all of us, and it was happening throughout this home.
Guy has four kids too, so we have a lot of common ground to cover, like how it all goes so fast. Both of us understand, especially as they get older, that parenting is more modeling, less speaking, because for teenagers and young adults so much has to be risked and experienced for them to grow on their own. It’s literally the hardest part of parenting. For the last few weeks I have felt the heavy lift of my goal to break generational patterns of alcoholism, codependency, and all the baggage that comes with it. As I continue on my own wellness journey, I love connecting with people who have patterns I can learn from. Here are a few things I experienced this spontaneous Thanksgiving:
Families come together in many different ways. It’s beautiful when they show up with love for both their differences and their sameness.
Faith builds resilience that surpasses human frailty. Keep praying.
If you are an adult, know yourself and lead with love. Let the kids be the kids.
For all you hear in the news these days, it was a blessing to be in a space for Thanksgiving filled with these women who make things happen no matter what challenges they’ve come up against in their lives. My almost 91 year old birthday twin Laura, Guy’s mother Florence, a force of an 85 year old woman who stood over a foot shorter than me, and the other women in this completely new environment, gave me more hope than I even knew I needed that wonderful and loving families rise out of the chaos of life if we are strong enough to lead and keep the faith. They say wisdom is pattern recognition, and I grew a little bit wiser this Thanksgiving surrounded by tough and loving women. This beautiful blended family has a story that is not mine to tell, but it was wonderful to be a part of it for an evening. Here’s to embracing the holiday season with no expectation of what it needs to look like, and with complete trust that there is always something more to learn, and even more to celebrate.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Some new piano and lyrics for Christmas:)
I went to the opening night Laker game this week and as much as I appreciate my alone time, I love being in spaces with energy, athleticism, and the star spangled banner. There is a feeling being around people you don’t know, it’s filled with potential and excitement, and I noticed how long it had been since I had felt that. Over the time I have written my blog, I’ve learned that nothing in life is random, that every chance encounter with another person is full of possibility and could be the source of the next great story. Curiosity about other people, what their experiences are like, and what makes them tick is the ground floor for uniting people, which is something our country feels like it is looking for, even if we don’t always know how to act to make that happen. Beyond the joy of watching athleticism on display, what I have always loved about sports is the ability they have to bring people together…and that’s exactly what I felt at that game on Tuesday night.
I used to think that all the things that catch my eye, or more likely my wandering brain, were unrelated, but now I see them as my own unique story, and I’m not afraid to tell it. Even if someone tells me they don’t get it. Lately my mind has come back to the intersection of mindfulness and the politics, two topics of interest for me, but when I’ve tried to explain my thoughts on the intersection of the two to people, most of them have responded by saying:
“Wendy, those two things couldn’t be more opposite.”
But the way I see it, the corporate world is embracing mindfulness more and more amongst their workforces, and I’ve experienced firsthand the way mindful pursuits can change a home environment, so why shouldn't the people wielding power, and the citizens that have the conversations on contentious issues, look at following the same path? It seems to me it would make our interactions and connections much more positive and meaningful. Here are a few reasons why:
Mindfulness teaches us to recognize our ego, and where it may be overzealously driving the boat. If we can stop feeling so protective of ourselves and our way, we will be more receptive and less threatened by the thoughts of others. We will be able to blend, compromise, and learn while we still have a deep understanding of our own stances and beliefs. As my dad put it in a text to me: “Politics is the art of listening to others, not yourself, and incorporating what you hear into your policy that you also support.” It doesn’t feel like we have a lot of that spirit running through our Capitol’s these days. In learning to slow down our minds, maybe that could change.
Mindfulness teaches us to recognize fear based thinking. All too often, in politics and the ensuing policy, the ideas that we encounter come from a fear based approach to life. Being able to slow down our thoughts helps us recognize our motivation for the feelings we have and the decisions we make because of it. Mindfulness reduces anxiety and helps us feel safe in our bodies, which always gives us a better picture to make a decision.
We need to set an example for the next generation about how to have compassion, evolve, and get along with people who have different opinions than our own without caving in to fear of rejection, being immediately offended or hurt by what we think other people think of us. Mindfulness helps us create a strong sense of self that will create a more resilient spirit, thicker skin, and the discernment to know when to challenge and when to pull back or compromise on an issue. The next generation needs to see a greater example of this than what we have been showing them.
I was heartened this week when my favorite podcast came out on Wednesday and it was an enlightened conversation between Dr. Michael Gervais and Dr. Amishi Jha. Dr. Jha, among other important positions, is the Director of Contemplative Neuroscience for the Mindfulness Research and Practice Initiative and her work has been featured at NATO, the World Economic Forum, and The Pentagon. Those qualifications more than caught my eye…maybe it is happening. The conversation had it’s roots in exactly the place my mind has been swirling for some time. The synergy can’t be ignored…the optimist in me tells me we are due for a shift. We are a country capable of gathering to celebrate and relate together. As Dr. Mike put it so well:
“Extraordinary performance is counter to our natural impulses, so it takes incredible training.”
It’s time to take that training from athletic arenas and the corporate world and bring it to the Capitols to change the dialogue between both the power brokers and the citizens of our great country.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Saturday listening from one of my favorites;)
The best antidote for perfectionism is a commitment to be better one step at a time. No advancement is too small, no step insignificant. But those aren’t the moments we see as we scroll our social media feeds 10, 20, or 100 times a day. Because I am passionate about human potential and growth, almost every product that crosses my feed is related to potential and performance on some level. My friend and I joke that 'they' are listening to our conversations...the products that show up on our feeds right after we chat are just too well marketed for it to be a coincidence. The thoughts and quotes and perfect pictures of the highlight reel of life fill in the rest of the space, and you have the perfect recipe for overwhelm. And yet I come back every day, posting on my story daily, taking part in the great social experiment that is Facebook and Instagram.
I do many other things to guard my consciousness and discipline my thought process but Monday, my mind was clear after a workout and the full realization that Facebook and Instagram were down hit me, and I paused to take it in. I noticed the slowdown in my brain and it felt blissful. I went back to a time when it was just me, and the connections that I made with people were one on one, which are still my favorite kind. I love uncovering layer after layer of someone’s story, when they are ready to tell it. Compared to that experience, social media feels jarring and shallow. The irony with all this sharing of information about our lives, is that we are lonelier as a population than we were in the past, not something that I would attribute solely to social media, but definitely a contributing factor. I texted my kids and a few other college students asking them if they had any thoughts on the matter…I got back some sarcastic jokes…”it’s the end of the world mom”, which of course made me laugh out loud, I know they have enough papers to write so when I ask these questions I don’t actually expect a deeply philosophical response. One of them chimed in saying that she and her roommates had been talking about it, checking their phones over and over again, to see what they were missing, noting how conditioned they had become to want to see whatever was coming across their feed first, in short order, before it became old news.
Behaviorally, most of us are guilty of the mindless scrolling that keeps us procrastinating, numbing whatever thought or feeling may be ailing us at the moment with that dopamine hit that comes from our feed, or feeling a sense of overwhelm as ideas, pictures, and products fill our consciousness. It’s no surprise that the growing interest in mindfulness practice coincides with our social media addiction. The first is trying to help us return to ourselves, the latter, especially if we don’t participate in the first, is pulling us away. Then when you couple the thought that the algorithm is dividing us, grouping us with like minds rather than exposing us to different views or opposing ideas, we are understanding less, with shorter attention spans than we had in the past. I wonder why the algorithm can’t be changed to do the opposite, so that we could be more easily informed of the flip side of an argument, the other side of the story, or an opinion different than our own. My mind always has a way of finding it’s way back to the optimistic side of life and because I believe in living exactly where my feet are planted today, social media is a part of that picture, so the question becomes how we handle it, rather than letting it handle us. Here are a few ideas and practices that I have come up with that help me keep it all in perspective:
Consciously choose the amount of time, and schedule the time you want to spend on scrolling or returning DM’s. With smartphones, we have all become accustomed to quick responses and having information at our fingertips and we forget that we are in charge of our schedules, and instead our impulses and buzzing alerts run our life. Before social media, there were other challenges that pulled on our ability to be present, this is just the latest one, and there will be more. So use the current reality to train the underlying habit of being present with the people around you, and dedicate specific time to build new connections that originate online.
Dedicate time, whether a hour or two or a day or a week to detoxing, consciously choose to stay off, and read a book or talk with a friend instead. Create real downtime for yourself and notice how your nervous system decompresses with the space you create between you and the social media universe.
Drill down on the connections that you are introduced to via social media. They may be the first layer of something that can become a passion. If you notice you don’t find interests that provide you with an avenue for growth on your feed, that is something you have the power to change just by paying attention to different things. Your feed is a snapshot of what captures your attention, if you don’t think it is helping you grow, change it.
In the end, I am so grateful for the real connection and learning that results from the time I’ve spent in this alternate dimension, because I pulled on the thread of an an initial introduction to a concept or human. The knowledge and friendships that have happened in this space for me have often led to profound understanding. Once again, life is what we make it by where we choose to focus. Honing that skill will always be important. I’ve made “friends” and learned things from their honest intention to help the world that would have been much harder for me to find and grasp without social media. Most of these are people I have never met, a few have I met in passing, and even fewer I have now shared meals with and turned into what I would call real connections. We live in an age of so much information, where it seems like the algorithm rules…keep thinking for yourself. Understand the current environment and find the courage to be you, independent of what the social stratosphere registers. The world needs your original thinking, don’t shy away from it.
When we look up from our scrolling, take a deep breath, and notice the real people and stories going on around us, we learn that they are always far from perfect but I’m drawn to them like a magnet. So post the highlights, but know that we are so much deeper and richer for the moments in life that we will never post, where our character is tested and real growth happens. The foundation of real optimism lies in how we react in the most ‘unpostable’ moments and our ability to adapt to the truth that life will never be perfect, but can always be better…sometimes in the tiniest steps, and others in giant leaps. Once we know this, we’ll experience a million moments that are worthy of our highlight roll…whether that’s the one in our head, or we decide to share it is completely up to us.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
There is nothing like travel to remind you that there is always more than one way to do things. I spent the last week enjoying Spain with Luke, his teammate and his mom. Traveling with people can be an interesting experience, all of our true colors come out when we are jet lagged, lost, or have different opinions on where to go or what to do next, but we were in sync the entire week. I’m so grateful for this opportunity we had to travel together. Over the last few weeks and throughout our trip, as I battled some pain from this herniated disc I’ve been dealing with, watched New Orleans and the East Coast get pummeled by Hurricane Ida, and experienced the 20 year anniversary of 9/11, the idea of rebuilding and what it takes to do it right, has circulated in my head.
When it comes to our bodies, aging, and what I have encountered with mine the last few months, I often picture what it looks like when a toddler starts to walk. How they bend their knees, their heels stay glued to the floor, and they go up and down with ease a hundred times a day. To say that I feel a long way from that point would be an understatement, and I let myself feel sad for a minute because I miss playing volleyball and going to yoga so much. What I know for sure is that I know how to rebuild because I’ve done it before, and the process is always bigger than just me. Rebuilding doesn’t have to mean going back to the way things were originally, because as I’ve learned through my life and travel, there are many ways to do something right, and lots of ways that things can look and still be successful. In recognizing this, we open ourselves up to a lot of growth and progress along the way.
Ways to Rebuild With Intention
Work from Our Strengths - Whether we are talking about our own bodies and minds or entire communities, we are always best served when we are able to recognize and work from our strengths. Understanding what we do best or what our strongest attributes are helps lead us through our greatest challenges. I used to feel uncomfortable or less than humble if I led from my strengths, but now I see how that held me back from making my greatest impact. Every reinvention is built upon solid strength, make sure you know what yours are and don’t be afraid to share them.
Be Honest about Our Weaknesses - If we can’t assess and be honest about where we struggle, we can’t garner the support we may need to get stronger. Every person or system has inherent weaknesses, when we understand what they are, we can rebuild and fortify ourselves and our communities. It’s contrary to what our ego wants, but weaknesses can become strengths the more we shine a light on them.
Assess Our Coping Mechanisms - A solid rebuilding plan is based on having healthy coping mechanisms. Are we able to be transparent with our communities, or at least trusted members within them? As I heard so brilliantly stated at an #AA meeting I went to a few weeks ago,
“Our secrets keep us sick.”
I found that statement to be brilliantly clear. Community, movement, connection, music, breath, journaling…these are the things that will help us and future generations rebuild. Nothing that takes us away from the feelings we feel or tries to bury our hurts will put us in a position to rebuild and heal.
4. Be of Service to Others - Nothing takes us out of our own heads faster than extending ourselves to help someone in need. Sometimes there are storms in our lives that just have to be weathered. When these times come, we emerge from our own storm stronger when we are able to help someone else rebuild. Being a part of a greater community takes the emphasis off of us and the world gets stronger as it benefits from our effort.
5. Don’t judge - One thing I have noticed as I have come through the road bumps of life is that those of us with a few more bumps and bruises tend to be less judgmental of anyone else’s process. Nothing gives us more freedom to rebuild than admitting we do not know what another person has gone through until they decide to tell us, so why judge. We can only be of service to ourselves and others when we approach situations and people with an open mind. The best rebuilding projects come out of openness and collaboration. When rebuilding, forget knee jerk assumptions, listen, and get ready to do some work.
Rebuilding, whether its bodies, minds, relationships, or entire communities is not for the faint of heart. But I have seen it done time and again by regular people countless times in my life. There are things that haven’t faded since that fateful day 20 years ago like the 24 hour news ticker, longer security lines, and stricter measures to keep us safe. But what would it be like if the unity we felt as Americans was the same as it was 20 years ago. That is something that is worth rebuilding, and the truth is it starts with the mind, body, and spirit of every person in this country. Rebuilding the individual translates to stronger communities, connections, our country, and our world, so don’t let anyone tell you that what you do every day doesn’t matter. Choose wisely, go easy on the judgment both on yourself and others, and let’s see what we can rebuild together because as I’ve said so many times before, it’s all connected.
With love & optimism for whatever rebuild you need,
Wendy
Zac Brown was a big part of my last rebuild…was happy to find this new one this week.
Sometimes i wish i could push record on my nearly weekly therapy sessions because the lightbulbs that go off when I process my thoughts are so clearing. I’m proud that we have normalized the conversation around therapy in my home, helping my kids understand it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help or guidance has been one of my own greatest lessons. It’s hard to teach them what we can’t model and do for ourselves. I look forward to these sessions because it’s a time when I get to let my brain unravel and relax and most of the time I realize how much I do understand about myself, the world I live in, and what my gifts are. I know I’m curious, calm, and feel the energy around me…I also know I have a tendency to want to rush in and fix, try to help others to take the focus off myself, and that most of my procrastination comes from trauma that makes me afraid to express myself, and my therapist has a healing spirit who helps me work through this block.
One of my greatest fears is being perceived as less than authentic…imposter syndrome as they call it. As I walked with my friend Chrissy early Saturday morning, we were talking about this, and she laughed out loud
“You not being real is like you waking up short tomorrow…it’s not going to happen.”
Her analogy made me laugh and reminded me how important it is to have friends that see and understand us without projection or pretense and she tops for me in this department.
From its inception, my blog has been a day by day living thing…real to its core. Lately I’ve been having many great adventures and conversations that center around volleyball, community, and life, but not enough time to decompress and synthesize them, so last Saturday night I went to bed trying hard not to beat myself up for not writing something for my usual Sunday morning post. I’m such a creature of habit, I worry if I miss one that I might never write another blog. I used to have the same feeling about exercise, that if I skipped a day, my good habits would fall away. But the true test of being our greatest self is learning to trust ourselves in unknown and new situations; when to push harder and when to surrender to a different process. Sometime patterns need to be broken, sometimes the energy we need to sustain includes a break for ourselves. All the time we need to trust in our own greatness…because it lies within each of us and the fun part is discovering how to uncover it.
What does it mean to trust your greatness?
Understand you don’t have to do it all to be great. We don’t have to be the boss of everything, or know everything to say something. Our lens is different than anyone else’s, so why even try to conform? So while it feels like community connects in our sameness, our greatness is in our differences.
Know that greatness doesn’t mean great at everything, it means you know yourself well enough to understand what is unique about you. Yet another nod to nonconformity and your own original story, so create it.
Understand your triggers…but know the work doesn’t stop there or we end up in a deep pool of blame. We all have things that have built up some scar tissue around our hearts and while recognizing that is part of the process, feel it, name it, and find your own closure that doesn’t depend on the person or thing that pressed your button in the first place.
Trust that helping others discover what they are great at doesn’t take anything away from you. The world needs all the greatness it can get.
Believe that there is no conflict between true greatness and humble soul, if you feel it, don’t let someone else’s perception shut you down.
And the hardest part, both for ourselves and as parents, is to know that greatness requires both risk and failure. So if you set off on a path that doesn’t work out, trust there is greatness in the pivot, and then do the work to make it true instead of repeating an old pattern. To help make our kids great, they have to understand their own strength, and that is never realized if they don’t learn to do the work themselves.
Like that therapy I was talking about, the great thing about writing my blog is that it helps me set my own head straight and keeps me charging forward on my path. Hope it provides some inspiration for you as well to trust in your own greatness.
Happy Father’s Day to the dad’s out there, especially to my dad who has been both humble and great every day of my life.
With optimism,
Wendy
Another good one from my favorite album of this summer so far…
“Everyone needs a hug.” - David Smith - Olympic Gold Medalist, Cancer Survivor and paraplegic
Today I don’t think any words could be more true. Did you know that a twenty second hug with your weight over your own center of gravity is one of the human connections that completes the stress cycle? This was one of a thousand fun and interesting facts I learned in the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. But when was the last time you hugged someone for 20 seconds? I hope for your sake it was this morning, or at the latest yesterday, because it feels so damn good. But it wasn’t just the notion of the hug that I took away from this little piece stress cycle wisdom…what do you make of the importance of maintaining your own center of gravity? We have to take care of ourselves first, maintain our own sense of self, and be responsible for our own lives. Only then we can form the deepest and most secure bonds with the people we want to hug.
At dinner on Thursday night, Matthew was complaining about having to learn history before his quiz on Friday…it’s boring, what’s the point he says? Bring on the discussion that what we don’t learn from history we are doomed to repeat, and that isn’t just true in big heavy text books, it’s the same in our relationships and lives on a day to day basis. My baseline motivation for writing has always been to take the journey into my own state of mind and sharpen my self awareness. When I started my blog, it took on the purpose of passing on through story, things that I wanted my kids to know so that they could both understand their innate worth and recognize the patterns of codependency that ran through our family, so that little piece of history doesn’t repeat itself . Through these conversations, we have learned to handle stress and challenge with vulnerability and humor, and while we are still working through a lot of questions and newness, there is an emerging strength that I see in the conversations, the laughter, and the connection we have built.
I see the world in concentric circles now. We start with ourselves and what we have the courage to acknowledge and learn. Then we can embody it and pass on to the people closest to us. From there, we can take it outward into the world. It takes confidence, courage and self love…the themes that I observed as I took inventory of my blog and put them into my book 365 Days of Optimism.
Life as a single mom is stressful. Sometimes it feels lonely, like you will never have someone who truly understands what it feels like to be in this world with these kids you love so much. But in the next moment, it is empowering, and you have never had a better reason to work through every obstacle to reach the next peak. Knowing I have support from people who love me, the tools to complete the stress cycle and live not just in my mind, but step out on that court or onto my mat and live in my body, and belly laugh with the people closest to me, helps me know that it’s all going to be ok, no matter how much newness is coming at me on any given day. Fluid, flexible, and flowing…this is what I’m aiming for. Believe in your ability to adapt and become your own hero. Stand squarely on your own two feet and be the next great 20 second hug that someone needs. Here’s to interdependence, not codependence and many more 20 second hugs with our weight planted firmly on our own two feet.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
Music is another great way of completing the stress cycle…songwriters get it in the best ways. Heard this at the Listening Room in Nashville sung by the writers. What we can’t acknowledge, we can’t heal. Powerful.
