Once a month I open my eyes in the middle of the night and the moon is streaming in, bright as daylight. The full moon always feels ungrounded and chaotic, illuminating even brighter all the things I already know I can’t control like my kids safety, the inevitable aging process, earthquakes, other people’s happiness….the list goes on and on. Since I was in college I have slept with the curtains at least cracked, no matter what I learn about the best environment for good sleep, I’ve always liked to wake up with natural light, so the full moon cycle is part of the process. I hate alarm clocks…I only set them if there is a plane to catch at a before dawn hour and never have trouble waking up. But this back pain was a game changer, it left me feeling foggy, unable to sleep, and groggy with the sunrise…for two months. And the world started to go a little gray. My vision was cloudy, everything sounded hard, I didn’t feel social, but then in the next moment felt lonely. I’d been to acupuncture, chiropractor, orthopedist, I was trying to figure things out, it felt like it was taking forever to get any relief. I thought I was having trouble with my mind and outlook because I couldn’t exercise, but a week after getting a steroid epidural injection to ease the pain, and still with no volleyball or hot yoga under my belt yet, I realize that the trouble wasn’t the workout schedule, it was the pain, which was turning chronic because it had no end in sight. And I’m here to tell you pain killers are not the answer. By Saturday last weekend, the sky was a new shade of blue and I found myself venturing out to Venice Ball in Venice Beach and The Wedge in Newport Beach on Sunday. The cloud that was hanging over me had lifted and my eyes could see clearly again. My perspective on chronic pain has changed with my own experience, and I’m certain this isn’t the last experience I will have with it, so while this epidural is taking the edge off and I’m learning new exercises to strengthen all the little muscles in my lower back, my glutes, and hips, I’m also thinking about how my body has taught me more about life again.
Take note of this feeling and be there for others when you see them going through it. I can be hard if we don’t pay attention and ask a few disarming questions because more often than not, people don’t raise their hand and say, “I’m suffering from pain.” I feel better equipped to listen for the little things or look for the signs and understand now how the smallest things can make a difference. A back rub, groceries, or a ride somewhere can go a long way. Not to mention, being of service to someone else is also one of the quickest ways to lift your own spirit and take your mind off any of your own pain. I don’t mean fixing…just showing the love and connecting through the experience.
There is no point in comparing pain. Handle what’s in front of you, don’t hide or distract yourself from it. It’s here to teach you something about yourself and the way you fit in this world. Just like any other comparison in life, how your pain measures up against anyone else’s doesn’t matter. What matters is how you take care of yourself and listen to your body through the experience. Attempts to ignore or mask it will only make it worse, have it come back stronger, or create new pain that ultimately needs to be dealt with. Stare it down and do the next right thing to deal with it then you will be equipped to help others too.
Don’t keep pushing toward burnout, those are real and dark days. Let yourself slow down in the ways that you can, no guilt. I’ve rediscovered my love for novels through this pain. I love to read, but had been on non fiction for awhile, but stories were one of the only things that helped take my mind off my back. Even now that I’m feeling better, novels will be a lasting habit.
Growth and meaning are always found in life when we take the next brave step forward, no matter how small or how slow. As my wise chiropractor Frank pointed out to me, pain will slow you down, even cause a momentary side step or two, before you can go forward again, but just like the moon every month, there is a cycle to everything in this life. The most important thing is not to get stuck in any particular one or we lose our connection to ourselves and the impact we can make in the world.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
The world is back in full swing. Morning routines, schedules, pressure to perform according to the clock, the calendar, the grades, and the score, are mounting again. As unsettling as this pandemic down time has been, I always knew there was a part of me that would miss the slower pace, the kids being around and a closeness to the simple that I always find a way to appreciate. There wasn’t a day that I wasn’t grateful for the people in my life, the roof over my head, the gas in my car, or the food in my fridge. In such a crazy time fraught with so much uncertainty and sadness, there was peace in the simplicity that my soul craves. It’s the simple things that are the biggest blessings…everything else is icing on the cake. Now the morning is back to getting out the door, traffic, and the dog looking at me by 9 am like “where did everyone go?” while the cats rejoice that everyone has left.
Returning to the regular school year calendar has made me reflect on the milestones of the past years. Having four very different kids makes each journey of time different. Their interests, abilities, and habits all reflect their experiences in life and influence our relationships in ways that I learn from as each day passes. I was a gym mom for my first two, a place I felt most in my own element, even though they face so much more pressure at a young age with the levels they have propelled themselves to than I ever did, something I am in awe of one moment, and then wondering if it’s too much the next. The second two look so different, embracing theatre, surfing, and animals, but with the same work ethic and care for what they do and how they do it. I see the edges of perfectionism creeping in with all they have been through, wanting so much to live up, fill up, please, and experience life…and yet my desire to help them each create calm order in their lives and understand themselves and their gifts in a way that doesn’t need extra validation is my highest calling. No matter how different the activities look, the underlying current of what I want them to understand about life is the same.
We are all good at something, and discovering this is the key to knowing yourself on the deepest level. Keep searching and follow the threads, nothing is insignificant. No one needs to validate your vision except for you, but I’m right here anytime to talk you through it.
Learn to be alone with your thoughts and have the courage to explore them. It can feel lonely and even scary at times, but the ability to be alone is the foundation of what will make your future relationships flourish.
Have the courage to listen and seek intimacy with others. Despite how social media wants to train us, this life is not a show for others, it is a series of individual connections that add significance to our lives. Real connection with one human being will always be greater than a million likes.
Patience and persistence pay off, shortcuts are usually dead ends. There is so much pressure out there to perform to the world’s standard. You feel enormous pressure to get good grades, be the best on the team, and have people like you, but burnout is a real thing at a younger and younger age. Check in with yourself in those quiet moments and keep coming back to what you really want out of this life. Don’t feel afraid to ask for help if you are feeling stressed or alone. We all need it from time to time.
Forgive, it is always a lesson learned. It can change the relationship you have with another, but it will always teach you more about yourself and make your life fluid and lighter.
You can speak your mind without being the loudest one in the room…sometimes you can even do it without words. Body language, learning to carry yourself with confidence, head held high, owning your vibe and your values instead of going with the flow is what makes life over the long haul great.
Learn to express your emotions without them dictating your day and mood.
No one (except your mom) can love you more than you love yourself.
The cool thing about parenting is that the things I learn through teaching them I am still learning on deeper levels every day myself. They are my greatest gift and inspiration to keep getting better. No matter what else I seek to accomplish in this life, the sun rises and sets with the values, safety and love I am able to pass on to them.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
I found this because I am slightly obsessed with John Mayer’s new album…but this is an old one;)
The Olympics have me deeper into TV and news than usual. As always, there is so much to cheer for, be proud of, and inspire us for whatever our game of life looks like, and the one thing I know for sure is that we never know the whole story of the journey that put any of us in the shoes we wear today. The same goes for these athletes. Whether it’s Simone Biles withdrawal from competition, Caleb Dressel’s medal stack and the vulnerability he showed in one of his post race interviews admitting how hard this past year has been, or the unbelievable story of Jake and Taylor’s beach volleyball partnership as it became Jake & Tri and they took the court for their first match with only two practices under their belt, the story behind the story is always what interests and inspires me more than any medal or result. These athletes remind us of what is possible, but their road comes with intense pressure and grind that only few in the world can understand. I hope that what comes from this Olympic experience, played out under the most unimaginable circumstances, without fans and families, and indecisive tests that can end the road for them in an instant, is an awareness for the need for support from early in a promising athlete’s career. The task of developing a whole person in the vacuum of trying to becoming the best in the world is immense, but the real lessons we learn from the success and failure we experience as athletes have the potential to create amazing human beings.
In this day and age, athletes at the Olympic level are intimately tied to the business of sport with endorsements, financial gain, and their livelihood is on the line. Consistent greatness comes with a price tag and the financial distress that can come with having an Olympic dream is immense. I’ve heard it quoted on my favorite podcast that the average Olympian finishes their Olympic run $150,000 in debt. These stories have been a reminder to me this week that no one is meant to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and none of us can reach our potential alone, even the best in the world. The struggles we have seen become part of their heroes journey and show us that success doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Watching the American medley relay team, made up of four American teenage girls, support their anchor who missed out on the gold by .13 seconds was an inspiring picture of what support from the inside looks like. No matter what the story, how can we integrate the whole process of becoming instead of holding the physical performance, the end result, and mental health as separate parts where one has to be sacrificed for another? As spectators, we can meet the stories of these high performing athletes with empathy and compassion knowing the kind of pressure they are under and the inspiration they provide for us. And then I realize that if we did that every day with everyone we meet, how much greater the connection with the people around us would be. If people feel like they have to watch out for themselves because no one else has their back, human connection and our sense of humanity is lost.
People say to me all the time, you are so open with your blog and what you write about. I write to clear my head, and so my kids will have an idea of what their mom was thinking about. I don’t want to be a mystery to them when they reach an age where it becomes relevant to their experience. My greatest hope is that it helps them understand themselves better even if I’m not around. I want them to understand that they are so much more than what they accomplish or do in a day. Armed with the understanding that not everyone has earned the right to know everything, vulnerability and candor have helped me create connection with people that inspire and teach me from the highest levels of sport and have helped me learn more about myself and the world. I can’t imagine keeping it locked up inside, it’s the greatest reason I have for my optimism.
What I have learned in my life is that success stories are not perfect pictures, they are real, marred by cuts and scraps and even deep daggers to our hearts that change us, the question becomes will we have the courage to wrestle with what lies beneath that story and will we be the ones who choose not to judge the stories of others that we think we understand even though we have never walked a mile their shoes. These Olympics are the games that will inspire me for all the reasons that they have since 1984, and for so many new reasons because of the struggling humanity that is on display. The better we know ourselves, our boundaries become clear, and we meet the stories we encounter with more compassion and less judgment, and that is a win every single time. This last year and a half has shown us how independently strong we are and in the same moment how much we need each other for connection and growth…it’s not an either/or proposition. We are never alone in the struggle if we have the courage to let it be seen.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
About 10 days ago, I woke up thinking I should cancel this trip. I’m a creature of habit, I like my daily routine, and usually get a little anxiety about leaving my kids, especially for a whole week…and this was the second week I would be away this summer. I also recognize this anxiety when it comes and know how to notice and name it without acting on it right away…boy am I glad I didn’t cancel.
Last May I wrote about wanting to ‘be better’ and I meant it. When I looked back at that blog, I realized I had some more thoughts about what it meant to follow that path I want to create for myself.. Deep down, no matter how great our struggles become, I don’t believe there is a human being out there who doesn’t want to be better at their life. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out the road to get there, there is so much noise and distraction between the voices of what other people think, that always chirping, self protective voice in our head, and the pull of the glossy ‘A roll’ life on social media, so I started thinking about the things I do that make me get better at my life…and cancelling trips wasn’t one of them.
We belong anywhere we are willing to step forward with confidence. Whatever moment we are in, our life story has brought us to that place, believe in it. Our belief in who we are, at our core, is more important than anything else we hear from anyone else, so be prepared to back it up with the work to keep that vision true. For me, that has meant taking the passion, precision, and care I put in as a mom, and using what I’ve learned to help other people. Parenting was a natural state for me from day one. Honestly, it was my greatest connection to being good at something and one of the reasons I am grateful I was able to have children young. Rather than those nervous moments so many new moms talk about, between the gut instinct and the community of parents from our church at the time, I felt such ease being a mom. I guess that’s why one baby turned into four over the next seven years so here are some more things I want them to know.
1. Work Hard, Rest Well - I love that I have gotten to a point where I trust myself to rest and know that it is part of the process. It’s freeing in a way that calms me, helps me sleep, and gives me better intuition on when to retreat and when to test my limits. It even let me pull an all-nighter in NYC this past week going from Central Park volleyball, to urban trekking all over the city (I have the blisters to prove it), to karaoke and all the way back to Atlantic City in time to see the sun rise. Didn’t think I still had that in me, but happy to discover that I did because my face hurt from smiling. And yes, I needed to rest after that one.
2. If you battle perfectionism, place the standard on the work put in, not on the result.. What does perfect effort look like? Consistently honing our intuition and listening to it every day. We know our own standard, even if it changes over time, or day to day. Effort is something we can control, and maximizing it always feels good, especially when we learn not to get it tied up with the result.
3. Quit blaming, at some point, the cards we hold are ours and we have to decide how to play them. This mindset also makes forgiveness so much easier, then we feel lighter and can see our path clearly. If you can’t let something go, check in with a therapist or a coach, don’t avoid or self medicate.
4. What other people think of you is none of your business. Don’t let what other people think get in the way of your self worth or the vision you have for a single day or your entire life.
5. Accept Others. Don’t try to change them, just choose how they fit into your life.
6. The best example you can be is to know what you love and treat it well. That starts with our own bodies and minds and radiates from there.
7. Find calm. If you read my blog, probably enough said there. Calm is the gateway to presence and our own potential. Slow down, breathe, find it.
8. Know that balance in life is a facade, but presence will always make you feel balanced. Don’t let yourself feel pulled in a thousand directions. To seek and desire balance is the closest we ever are to having it.
I’ve figured out that all nouns were not created equal. People and places are always greater than things. In fact, it’s the people and places that make the things worthwhile. Grateful for another chance to build community and connection and that my intuition guided me to NYC and Atlantic City because this life that looks nothing like I thought it would just keeps getting better.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
And because music makes everything better
Sometimes i wish i could push record on my nearly weekly therapy sessions because the lightbulbs that go off when I process my thoughts are so clearing. I’m proud that we have normalized the conversation around therapy in my home, helping my kids understand it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help or guidance has been one of my own greatest lessons. It’s hard to teach them what we can’t model and do for ourselves. I look forward to these sessions because it’s a time when I get to let my brain unravel and relax and most of the time I realize how much I do understand about myself, the world I live in, and what my gifts are. I know I’m curious, calm, and feel the energy around me…I also know I have a tendency to want to rush in and fix, try to help others to take the focus off myself, and that most of my procrastination comes from trauma that makes me afraid to express myself, and my therapist has a healing spirit who helps me work through this block.
One of my greatest fears is being perceived as less than authentic…imposter syndrome as they call it. As I walked with my friend Chrissy early Saturday morning, we were talking about this, and she laughed out loud
“You not being real is like you waking up short tomorrow…it’s not going to happen.”
Her analogy made me laugh and reminded me how important it is to have friends that see and understand us without projection or pretense and she tops for me in this department.
From its inception, my blog has been a day by day living thing…real to its core. Lately I’ve been having many great adventures and conversations that center around volleyball, community, and life, but not enough time to decompress and synthesize them, so last Saturday night I went to bed trying hard not to beat myself up for not writing something for my usual Sunday morning post. I’m such a creature of habit, I worry if I miss one that I might never write another blog. I used to have the same feeling about exercise, that if I skipped a day, my good habits would fall away. But the true test of being our greatest self is learning to trust ourselves in unknown and new situations; when to push harder and when to surrender to a different process. Sometime patterns need to be broken, sometimes the energy we need to sustain includes a break for ourselves. All the time we need to trust in our own greatness…because it lies within each of us and the fun part is discovering how to uncover it.
What does it mean to trust your greatness?
Understand you don’t have to do it all to be great. We don’t have to be the boss of everything, or know everything to say something. Our lens is different than anyone else’s, so why even try to conform? So while it feels like community connects in our sameness, our greatness is in our differences.
Know that greatness doesn’t mean great at everything, it means you know yourself well enough to understand what is unique about you. Yet another nod to nonconformity and your own original story, so create it.
Understand your triggers…but know the work doesn’t stop there or we end up in a deep pool of blame. We all have things that have built up some scar tissue around our hearts and while recognizing that is part of the process, feel it, name it, and find your own closure that doesn’t depend on the person or thing that pressed your button in the first place.
Trust that helping others discover what they are great at doesn’t take anything away from you. The world needs all the greatness it can get.
Believe that there is no conflict between true greatness and humble soul, if you feel it, don’t let someone else’s perception shut you down.
And the hardest part, both for ourselves and as parents, is to know that greatness requires both risk and failure. So if you set off on a path that doesn’t work out, trust there is greatness in the pivot, and then do the work to make it true instead of repeating an old pattern. To help make our kids great, they have to understand their own strength, and that is never realized if they don’t learn to do the work themselves.
Like that therapy I was talking about, the great thing about writing my blog is that it helps me set my own head straight and keeps me charging forward on my path. Hope it provides some inspiration for you as well to trust in your own greatness.
Happy Father’s Day to the dad’s out there, especially to my dad who has been both humble and great every day of my life.
With optimism,
Wendy
Another good one from my favorite album of this summer so far…
I have a theory that keeps running through my head. It is based both in self compassion and growth and goes like this:
When we are younger, we learn big things… how to talk, play, and relate with others, we find out what we are good at, and what we can do with those talents. Most of us follow a similar path with school, friends, and relationships, and paint the canvas of our life with big broad strokes. If we keep it within the navigational beacons, (thanks to my brother in law for coining that phrase) many of us get to a similar point in life. As we get older though, little cracks start to form in our canvas and affect our daily life patterns and relationships, in large part because our subconscious patterns, that we haven’t taken any time to become aware of, begin to chip away at the days that once seemed so simple. The good news is, we get to make the decision anytime along the way, to acquire a finer paintbrush, and use it to create the little strokes that lead to greater self awareness. This is the brush that fills in these little cracks that have formed on the canvas of our life. If we do the work, we lead a more connected and expansive life. If we choose not to, the cracks weaken us and we end up living a much smaller existence just to survive it all. It’s up to us to decide if we want to go from the school art project that our mom hung on the fridge to a beautiful scene or landscape worthy of a great gallery. Contrary to what society or social media might led us to believe, that great gallery isn’t reserved for the most popular, but for those who decide to take on the challenge of knowing themselves better and uncovering the power of their story. It’s a brave process and sometimes painful in the short term, but as we have the courage to work through it, I believe we always come out better for it. Each of us is so unique, yet we also desire so much to connect and belong together. The only way to find that deep connection with others is to find it first within yourself by discovering your own uniqueness and the strength that lies within it.
In 2020, I am growing my life design coaching to include curriculum that helps people uncover the power of their own story. We each have unique gifts, the powers I have uncovered for myself in this process the last few years are the strength in my calm demeanor, and my ability to disarm and create genuine safety in conversations with others. Uncovering these strengths and not being afraid to acknowledge them, and then learn to use them to help others, has been an empowering process. As I build out a coaching curriculum that includes aspects of mind, body, and spirit, I can help people uncover the power of their own story to help them realize the path to their fullest reality.
Mind - Relationships, parenting, transitions, patterns of limiting beliefs; these are among my favorite runways to explore. Do you want to work on your relationship with yourself or others? Is there a transition, whether a new job, a move, or the beginning or ending of a relationship in your life? Are you trying to create a happier, more productive home with your children? I have experience in all of these areas and a non judgmental listening ear.
Body - Sleep, Nutrition, Movement, Recovery...they are all part and parcel of a healthy life. Are you looking to feel better, lighter, or more fit in 2020. All of these major areas of health in our lives can be broken down into small manageable steps that lead to a sustainable game plan to a healthier, happier you and there are practical tools to make this process successful.
Spirit - Our spirit is about connecting with things that we cannot see but can definitely feel If we are open to it. Are you blocking the good things in life that are yours with negative energy? Are you speaking to yourself in a way that affirms your best life? Do you recognize a power in the universe that is bigger than yourself? Connecting to something greater than us is one of the most compassionate ways to view your own story.
Life is not happening to you, it’s happening for you.
Your self awareness is the key to unlock your fullest potential and 2020 is all about your vision being clear. You have all of the answers, but sometimes it helps to have a fresh look at the situation to understand where your mind might be getting stuck. A coaching session with me is a calm place where my clients are free to dialogue about where they are today, where they want to go, and what, if anything, is standing in their way. I use my trained, non judgmental ear to help you discover more about yourself and the answers that work for you. Sometimes it’s the tiniest brush strokes on our canvas that make the biggest change in our picture. I understand that safety and belonging are among our most important needs as human beings and strive to provide that environment in each coaching session.
If you want to uncover the power of your own story in 2020, click here. Here’s to staying present but also to the excitement about all this new decade has to offer any of us willing to put in the work.
There is a picture on my bookshelf of a quote that I like. It reads:
“She needed a hero, so she became one.”
For most of my life I would have said that sounds like someone who is full of themselves…today I say it’s the quote of someone who has challenged themselves to find the power in their own story and sees the beauty in anyone else who wants to take control of theirs. The twists and turns of my life have caused me to wrestle with some big narratives, whether it was my shyness, or finding my core values in an less than traditional family set up, life is better the more we understand ourselves how know how we want to show up in the world. But, because I have examined my patterns and thoughts, I have found a level of connection, kindness, and calm that produce a deep level of contentment on most days. So many thoughtful conversations come from considering your own steps and observing others and then knowing what questions to ask. The nature of the narratives of our lives is that they are personal, what is true for one story, may not work for another…which is why we should stay away from judging other people’s perspectives and either bond with what we have in common or can find compassion for, or set boundaries to protect what we see as our best way forward in our own life. Going back to what I wrote about. last week, we can’t control other people, but we are solely responsible for creating the best version of ourselves.
Optimism doesn’t mean that every twist and turn of life is joyful and easy. In fact, it’s the tougher moments, the challenges, and even the stress in our lives, that comes to teach us and make us stronger. This reality gets sticky for me sometimes, usually around issues that I feel define my character and the way I present myself. I’ve had to learn to trust myself, rather than the outside opinions that I was a fan of taking in, and trust the gut that I have developed from a lifetime of listening.
At some point, we all have to take ownership for our own lives, figure out why we make the choices we do, embrace what we love about ourselves, and get after changing the things we don’t.
Because I believe so deeply in authenticity, but have also learned that not every story in our life is for everybody, I know that I have to be accept the fact that some will vibe with my personal philosophy of life and some will pass on it.
I had a little gathering at my new house not too long ago and when I stopped to pay attention, I was inspired by the generations of people that I find connection with. Every decade from teenagers, who are my kids friends, to people in their 70’s showed up to hang out. As I always say,
“pay attention to what you attract because it’s leading you to your purpose.”
This experience, hanging out with people who are a part of my life, whether at yoga, on the volleyball court or others who help me stay healthy and sane over the course of my days, inspires my belief in connection and generational learning and makes me want to create a world where people aren’t so guarded and afraid to tell their stories, so I lead by telling mine. It’s not for attention, it’s because writing is cathartic and creates a sense of belonging with people who get me.
Part of building a strong and supportive tribe is knowing that we won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and, if we try to be, we end up exhausted and hiding our uniqueness that we have to share if we want to create health and happiness in our lives.
For so much of my life I was the young one, always feeling like I had so much to learn, afraid to put myself out there, and yet with this little voice in my head telling me all kinds of cool insight and stories, probably why I enjoy my alone time. I didn’t know that learning to manage criticism and judgment were a natural part of gaining a stronghold on our own lives, so naturally, I tried to avoid anything that might draw attention to myself. In school, I was always the youngest in my class, then I got married at 22, so most of the couple friends we had were older than me because really, not many people, even 20 years ago were getting married that young. It’s only been in the passing of the last few years that I have taken over the roll of one of the older ones. It’s like my old soul has finally caught up, and now I want to make good on the time I have left, which has me thinking about some of the things I want to work on in the New Year…
I will continue to ask, and even more frequently, knowing that silence or even rejection (I still can’t decide which one is more internally uncomfortable) isn’t a reflection on my worth or purpose. I am the only one who defines it. There is always the possibility that a connection is created with a yes. If we control our own mind, an ask is at best a neutral position, and even better, we get a yes and move the ball down the field.
I will embrace the wisdom that comes with age and love myself for both the changes that come, and the work I put in to stay healthy and free. I’ve been putting a camera on my face more often and have noticed that my initial instinct is to be more critical of myself. I’m learning to put my face and my voice out there anyway, because what you see is the real me, getting better…and that’s the best thing we do each day for ourselves and the generations that come after us.
I will separate myself from judgment of anything but my own path, find compassion for my own story, and set the firm boundaries that create healthy relationships in my life. Today I know how to do this and I want to teach others how to feel the strength I feel from learning this essential life skill.
Why share your real story? Because it matters and it helps create understanding in this world. And you will indeed end up becoming your own hero when you find the power in your story. The pain is in the shadows, it begins to subside when we learn to bring it into the light. The challenge is to decide who to share it with, it doesn’t have to be in a blog…start with one person, find your connection, and the most beautiful healing will take root inside of you.
