March 4, 2023
I don’t remember the exact date, but it was a sunny Friday afternoon in 2014. Clear blue skies on the beach, volleyball practice had been canceled for some reason, and there were four happy kids running around in the sand with nowhere else to be. They were all together, the little ones loving having the big ones around, and I remember thinking that life didn’t get better than this. I’m glad I stopped to take it in, because life keeps rolling but the imprint of that moment is still there.
Within two years, everything about those kinds of moments changed. Nearly 20 years of a relationship crumbled and left me digging deeper to figure out why. Yes, it takes two. Yes, even with love, the makings of the crumble were there from the beginning, but the feelings of guilt and shame left me asking questions and I wanted the answers. The relationships we have with each other are significant in the here and now, but they carry the footprints of the people who came before us too. I don’t say that lightly, or to search for a scapegoat or place blame. One of my core tenets in doing this work is that everyone is doing the best they can with what they know, but it is our responsibility to keep learning so we can grow and evolve into humans who connect more and hurt less. This is what I call generational healing and it’s been my North Star for the last six years…maybe even before, I just didn’t have a name for it.
So, what is generational healing and how do I define it?
Generational healing: When our connection with ourselves is rediscovered while we peel back the layers and make peace with past traumas in our family lines.
Why is generational healing important?
In this process we come to understand our inherent worth, strength, and the agency we have in our lives. We begin to love ourselves more, criticize ourselves less, and form interdependent rather than codependent relationships that create deep knowing of ourselves and families and communities where everyone is able to work from their strengths.
What happens if we turn away from healing?
I’ve heard it said that addiction is the opposite of connection. Addiction will always push away love and, according to Native American wisdom, will leave its mark for seven generations to come. It leaves fractured homes and dinner tables, violates safety and human dignity, and creates disparity in any home where it takes up residence. Eventually, whether that home splits apart or stays together, without the presence of healing energy, the home is broken and the patterns that come from that home create paths that wreak havoc on our health. This pain is expressed on every level from deep within the cells in our bodies and dysregulated nervous systems. If left unresolved, it cycles over and over again, cutting its path over generations of families that no matter how much they love each other, will cause each other more pain.
At this point, if you know me, and have been listening to my thoughts for a while, you are looking for the good news.
Where is the optimism and opportunity?
The answer to that lies in the agency that is within every single human to persevere, to look at themselves and what could be different, and begin to take little steps to make our lives better. I have always believed it was there for anyone, and now the stories that are flowing through my podcast are bringing the living, breathing, examples of human resilience that reinforce my belief that healing is always possible.
How does it happen?
It happens when we stop talking about other people and start talking to ourselves. It happens when we start to understand and practice the tools that connect us with our physical, mental and spiritual being. There are no silver bullets, but there can be a graceful pattern of trial and error while we discover what works for us. It’s a journey of reconnection through unlearning the exercises of control and survival as we discover how to be present in our bodies and minds and know that when we let go of the expectation of what ‘should’ be, we become grounded and calm knowing that through whatever will be, we will be ok. And from this new calm and grounded place energy flows.
What are these tools that help us connect?
Yoga, breathwork, prayer, meditation, journaling, whole foods, daily movement, music, animals, nature, grounding, talk therapy, physical therapy, chiropractic care, energy healing, acupuncture, social interaction, alone time, hydration, supplementation, fasting…the list goes on. I’m sure you could add some of your own. I don’t list all of these things to overwhelm but find hope that there are so many little acts of loving yourself that help connect us to our true selves. Figuring out your personal alchemy is fun, and it doesn’t look like anyone else’s.
Generational learning is what we are after here at Be Better Media where one of my goals is to begin to reverse engineer the process of the generational healing we need by creating space for people to be heard and connect with their purpose. Gigantic visions are made up of little consistent steps everyday, but you don’t have to take them all by yourself. Come find me on What I Meant to Say to hear stories of other people committed to being better one day at a time. These conversations have created more moments in the sun for me and helped create more opportunities for health, healing, and ability to go with the flow in life by learning more about the human experience through other people’s eyes. Keep following along…it's getting better and better with the connections we make with each other everyday.
With optimism,
Wendy
I wouldn’t have been able to write this eight years ago when he left. So much goes into rebuilding a life and it’s not linear. There have been many missteps and a lack of understanding of where I was at the time and why, but from the time it happened, I always had the question in my mind…how did I end up here? Divorce is hard, but staying in a relationship that isn’t healthy is worse and I believe that we go through hard things in life not just so we can grow, but also so we can help other people.
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash
I never knew that burnout after divorce was so prevalent but it makes sense to me now. After such a life throttling event, we are susceptible to the complete mental, physical and emotional exhaustion that defines burnout. When you can’t engage or find joy in things that used to be meaningful it’s past time to take an assessment of where you are and how to bring connection back into your life. For me it has involved holding myself to a standard of productivity in a quest to try and find myself that led me to the deep exhaustion that defines burnout. True healing is found in the ability to understand when to push and when to rest, all the while being present enough to bring focus to the circumstances that life brings us that we can’t control. For me, with four kids that I love more than anything in this world, that is a lot of circumstance! Especially if you are the core parent. It is so important that you begin to heal, so you can help them from a place of strength. There is so much that is dropped into your world that you have to handle on your own, so carving out time for yourself to be able to rest, think and feel is paramount in this process.
Photo by Aleksandra Boguslawska on Unsplash
Through trial and error and over the last eight years walking this path, I have discovered some processes and philosophies that help mitigate burnout, even on the days when it feels like the walls around you are crumbling. In fact, sometimes the walls crumbling is a good thing…it just takes some time to see that. So if you are in the beginning stages of a breakup or divorce, and especially if you are parenting kids through it, I hope some of these thoughts will help.
Photo by Sean Stratton on Unsplash
Beyond that I would be remiss to say if you can invest in this process, acupuncture, infrared saunas, massage and body work like Rolfing, somatic work and talk therapy are all amazing ways to learn to regulate your nervous system and so you are able to integrate your body, mind and spirit and heal. Most of all, find healthy ways to learn to honor your feelings without getting trapped in any stories that your mind is telling you. There is always a way through, if you are willing to slow down and look and listen for it and from this place you will find a whole new flow.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Photo by Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash
Wendy Jones with her youngest son, Matthew.
The truth is, we can’t make up for the hurt that divorce causes, we can only show our kids how to heal and become healthy again. Spoiling them with attention, money, things, lack of consequences only perpetuates the agony for them and burns you out as a parent. Depending on custody arrangements you contend with different things, but whether you are split custody or the full time parent, learning to be your child's ally in the quest for their highest potential instead of their friend is invaluable. The best things take time to develop, including helping a child grow into an adult who isn’t entitled, needs instant gratification and understands how to regulate their own emotions. For more parenting perspectives, head over to the Be Better Media’s Youtube: Parenting Playlist.
Photo by Felicia Buitenwerf on Unsplash
I pass a wall everyday after yoga that has the words “You Are Enough” painted on it. Sometimes I still wrestle with it, but more often than not now, it resonates deep and I find my flow through life’s ups and downs that I never would have imagined I would know how to handle. With each challenge, I see the Divine footprint in it all, and it calms me. What the art on the wall doesn’t have the space to say is by understanding that you are enough you unlock the journey to authenticity that is the true meaning of your new beginning. Authenticity is the true antidote to burnout, breathe it in, follow your heart, and find your bliss. You are worth it.
With optimism,
Wendy
"What if the world was already good?
What if what you seek, you find?
What if everything wasn’t an emergency?
What if we cared more about stories and less about labels?
What if we stopped shouting so we could listen?"
-Chrissy Kelly greatest mom, friend and writer
Her words put a lump in my throat. Our conversation helped me connect the dots today. So often on many issues, I feel like a fish out of water. I have friends that will join the protests, I have friends that are unabashedly pro life, and the thing I know most about all of them is that they are strong women with fierce value systems that rose out of their stories. The last thing I would do is judge or base our friendship on what they think about a woman’s right to choose. But why am I afraid to open my mouth and say what I think? The evolved me answers that question that real issues deserve thought and care, not instant outrage.
If you judge by social media, which I wouldn’t suggest, the masses are not muffled. They are loud and angry on one side and virtuously gloating on the other. They recite strawman arguments and incite fear on both sides. There isn’t a leader in sight who is tempered, compassionate, and direct about what happened with this ruling. This ruling did not make abortion illegal. It denied that abortion is a Constitutional right and turned it back to the states to decide on a state by state basis what the law will be. I live in California, I’m confident that nothing will change as far as access to abortion where I live.
I am a Catholic mom of four who has been a mom since I was 25. Being a mom was the first thing I knew without a doubt I was good at. Today, I can confidently say I wouldn’t have an abortion. That’s not saying a lot given I have a roof over my head, know myself on a deep level, and understand what it feels like to be a mom. It’s the most deeply held love in my world. I can’t say that had I ended up pregnant in my teens or early twenties I would have been so strong. I only had one time when I had to contemplate that thought, sitting at Stanford Medical Center at 21, sick with a kidney infection and waiting for the ER staff to return with my routine pregnancy test, scared out of my perfectionist mind and deeply ashamed. I have never forgotten that hour that felt like an eternity. The relief I felt when it came back negative was overwhelming, I wasn’t ready, but I was human and I’m grateful that I wasn’t faced with that choice at that point in my life. I’ve talked to friends of mine who were in that position and had abortions, others who had the baby and put her up for adoption, and more that had the baby and kept her. When I hear their stories, I feel nothing but compassion and love for the human condition and the choices that they were faced with at that pivotal and tender time in their lives. None of them were rich, all of them were scared, and whatever their choice was has become a part of the fabric of their life and who they are. For me, it only took that one time to learn where I didn’t want to be. I also know that when we have a deep wound, we will seek connection with other people in ways that aren’t born from real love. How can we connect and care for others before we reach these moments of desperation? If we don’t, will they happen over and over again.
Last weekend in Nashville, where I met more new friends that don’t think exactly like I do, I picked up a Maya Angelou book, Letters to My Daughter and read the whole thing on the flight home. Her books are things I can never resist. She was a rebel, an intellectual, artist, and above all, the greatest example I have seen of someone that transcended suffering and mere survival with grace to realize her fullest potential in her lifetime. She passed her generational wisdom on to others with the gift of her writing. Her only son, who recently passed in February, was born after one encounter with a man she didn't love. She stood for the human race and against injustice but was never a victim confined by her circumstances. I’m sure that if the world had the grace and courage of Maya, this country would be different from the place we find ourselves today. She had the courage to speak to transcend power structures and reach people in a way the government never can. I don’t think she would yell and kick and scream and wear shirts with the word vagina on them. But I do think she would smile at the woman who did, and listen to her story with the calm dignity of a woman who knows the power she wields in this world. She is my answer to the question:
“If you could have dinner with anyone throughout history who would it be?”
More than her writing, which is flat out genius, her life story is the epitome of resilience.
As I wrap my head around where we find ourselves today, everything in me says that we can create a society that connects with kindness and empathy instead of fear and judgment. We would raise stronger, happier, more well adjusted humans who know how to care and connect, not just in the moments when our foundations are shaken, but in the simple quiet moments that unite our hearts and minds instead of focusing on what makes worldly power and profit. With our culture today, we can’t see those moments, or our own resilience and strength, when we work from our own place of lack and insecurity. No matter what side, that is what I saw all over the news and social media after this verdict and I wrestled with my thoughts and words all day long.
When a women is faced with the choice to have an abortion, which is still possible in America this morning, whatever she chooses will leave it’s imprint. I’m not upset that it isn’t so available that it can happen without careful thought about the implications of what it means to both the mother’s and baby's lives. It’s not just the body, but her mind and spirit that needs to be cared for. As a woman, I will always be available to listen with love and lack of judgment. Ultimately only she can find peace with her choice. In that spirit, my hope is that she is met with compassion from all women who have walked the road before her so that she can embrace the power she has within her, which is far greater than anything the government can ever give or take away. That is the real sisterhood, and no matter what you believe as a woman, you are part of it.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
I saw Top Gun this week. It’s so weird to see the actors of my youth get older. Like so many of us, it took me back to 1986, getting dropped off at the movie theater at least 3 different times to see it. Although I loved the story and cinematography, what struck me most was what a foreign storyline this movie was for my kids generation. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been in a movie theatre and had the feeling of American pride that I grew up feeling everyday. And although the movies we watch on the big screen are usually fictional stories like Top Gun was, they communicate a message about who we are as a culture and what we are made of that allows us to rise from the ashes of our darkest places. What we hear in so many places in America these days are about our faults, our division and the place of lack that will never allows us to connect to our greatness and create anything good. I shudder to think that my kids have heard that message for so long, they don’t believe in the America I do. They live in a world of more content and less connection. Short form messages that when tied together create a mentality of victimhood that creates wounds not warriors. And again I started to think about how we as an American society can inspire each other to BE BETTER.
One of my kids said to me this week:
“Most kids aren’t nice because they haven’t learned to care, not because they are choosing to be mean.”
Her words struck me hard and made me sad. We have to choose and inspire care in this world. When we stop trying to figure out where we fit in, we learn how we fit together. Enough with the labels and separation, kindness is inclusive, so let’s embody it and see where it gets us. Greatness comes through our own healing, it takes courage to do it and it is the only way to BE BETTER with each passing day.
Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there making a difference for the next generation. I was blessed to have a good one that inspired my optimist’s lens.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Exposure to new music bringing inspiration this week, check it out!
Kate turned 17 on Thursday. For anyone who hasn't followed her story, she's the one who stopped playing volleyball to be a theatre kid. And man does she blow my mind on that stage. It's so fun to see her risk, I would have been terrified of that at her age. Maybe she is, but she does it anyway. Thursday night, I looked around my family room, and they are all so big they fill up the entire space. Lauren cooked the dinner (Matthew handled the steaks) and all I had to do was do the dishes. What a shift of energy and life.
For the last five years birthday’s had a sad tinge in them, but I think we are coming out of that. I remembered that I had written some words of wisdom on The Optimists Journal on Lauren’s 17th birthday and I thought I would review and see what I have learned or would add with five more years experience. The things I said still ring true…but I’ve learned to be more direct and succinct. Over the last five years I’ve learned less is more, that it’s ok to let your words sit and be open to others interpretation of them. No more over-explaining. So I took the 17 things and brought them down to a Top 10:
I give these to you Kate on your 17th birthday, but they are for all of you. I can’t believe I have four that fill up a room. Birthday’s will always take you back to the first time you held them, and now so often they hold me in ways they don’t even know. Not because I’m not strong enough to hold myself, but because we are connected. And nothing feels better than that. Time marches on, and life feels normal. So much different than it did when Lauren turned 17. Whatever you are moving through, slow down and breathe, and day by day a lighter and wiser version of yourself will be revealed.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
As a writer, I am thankful that I have a good memory of my early life. So many of my thoughts take me back to places and days from long ago. When I am able to feel those feelings of the younger me, it gives me perspective for what I’ve learned and fills me with gratitude. Even if life doesn’t look like you thought it would, there is always something to learn about yourself and why you are here.
This week I visualized the playground for the kindergarten that had a fence around it to keep the youngest kids at my elementary school separated on their own small playground from the vast expanse of field and jungle gyms that was meant for the grade schoolers. I’m not saying it wasn’t a good idea for the little guys at the time, but it was only for that one year. I was young for my grade and I remember the scary feeling of the wide open space of that bigger playground. To me it felt like millions of kids and loud bells that would ring just when I got comfortable enough to start to have fun.
I think about these different playgrounds today…at 47, because it reminds me that we evolve to a point in our lives where we choose which playground we want to play on, and as long as we are willing to put the work in, so much of that choice has to do with our mindset and the way we feel about ourselves. For a long time, and without making a conscious choice, I saw myself on that small playground, I could see through the chain link fence and watch all the things that caught my eye, but I was a spectator. Whether it’s personality, life experience, or conditioning, in the end we have a choice to make. Whether you are an athlete, student, parent, or entrepreneur, the way you view competition plays a huge role in the choices you make and the way that you feel about getting where you want to go in life and we pass this view on to the next generation. Maybe you don’t even allow yourself to admit where you want to go. For much of my life, I know I didn’t, and it left me, even at 6’0 tall, feeling small.
The cool thing about life is that if we are willing to keep our eyes up and hearts open, there is no point of arrival and we can always learn new ways to BE BETTER.
One of my quotes that I channel frequently is:
“Compete with yourself, collaborate with your community.”
The places we go in life align us with people of the same interests and pursuits. Most of my closest friends have been made through sports - in the locker room, standing on the beach or pool deck, or in the gym. They have become my community, people who I want to support and see succeed. In sports and life, sometimes it can feel like we compete against those very same people we love to hang with off the court or out of the office. Sometimes they are even in our own family. But an abundance mindset helps us realize that we each have unique gifts and all we have to do is be more of ourselves, and perhaps less of who we think others expect us to be, and that abundant feeling starts to flow. This is where our true nature and talents are unleashed and we get to play on the big playground.
If you haven’t heard of abundance mindset before, you are in for a treat because it is the most freeing place to be in this world. It gives you the freedom to compete and evolve with more ease than you could have ever imagined. To put it in a nutshell it’s precepts go something like this:
Abundance Mindset
It will help you battle and more often than not free you from:
So wherever you are along this road of life, whatever you work on that you want to achieve, you will have moments where you feel you don’t belong, like the challenge is too big, your vision out of your reach. You may feel paralyzed with fear that you won’t make the team, create the business, get the promotion, or ultimately have the life you want to live. Come back to the present moment, breathe and identify what you are scared of. Then embrace an abundance mindset and feel the energy flow freely toward your wildest dreams and biggest goals. Don’t let your mindset get in the way of you and your best life. Take down the fences, do the work, compete with yourself, and collaborate with your community. Welcome to the bigger playground of life. It’s fun out here, I promise.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
Since my 20 year old boy told me this song reminded him of me, I haven’t stopped smiling.
I usually don’t have the title of a blog when I sit down to write, generally speaking it comes last. But I have leaned into something new that has given me so much peace in the hardest moments of transition that I knew it was time to write about it. I’ve been working with Emily Hightower, a beautiful mentor who helps so many with her deep knowledge of the intersection of biology and psychology. To have time with her each week to process and apply what I have known intuitively forever has been a gift. Just like every athlete has a coach that says something in a way that instantly changes their process, Emily had a zinger for me a few weeks back:
“It’s about alchemy, not strategy.” she said.
Instantly I knew what she meant, and I connected with the truth that strategy is exhausting. When I fall into it, It doesn’t take too long until inspiration and energy feel tapped out.
Do you know what alchemy is? According to Webster it’s a seemingly magical process of transformation, creation or combination. But I have a new definition.
Alchemy is what happens when we lean in and trust our mind, body, and spirit and all the energy around us to support us in a process of growth and change…which life always seems to have in store for us in one way or another.
Whether it’s a graduation, new job, new team, beginning or ending of a relationship or launching a new venture, we can often get stuck thinking there is just a technical strategy to get from Point A to Point B. When we become aware of our own special alchemy though, we develop what works uniquely for us in the midst of all the data and universal truth out there. Alchemy is freeing and never forced and gives you the energy and ability to trust in transition. It’s what I depend on to create stories and coach others along the journey too.
It’s a time of year that always reminds me that change is the only constant. Somehow that should make me feel better at this point, but change is hard. As human beings we crave what we know, we will even repeat patterns that aren’t healthy because we haven’t learned to work with the alchemy of change.
Here are some of the ways we can honor alchemy over strategy:
Embrace what Is and look for the beauty. I encounter things on my path everyday that remind me of what I want in the future and things that feel different than how I thought I wanted them to feel. But finding gratitude for what is always brings me back to the infinite possibility of change and gives me the energy to work for it.
Work with your limbic brain. This is the most primal part of our brain that functions to keep us safe at all costs. If this part of our brain hasn’t learned to feel safe, our executive functioning logical brain will not be able to convince our body and spirit of anything. To work with this part of your brain, try using the pronoun you with any affirmations you use. YOU will finish this project. YOU will make the team. YOU are loved. YOU is the specific pronoun that speaks to this part of your brain, try it. It’s worked wonders for me and I think you will feel something release deep inside of you that unleashes a calm through any change or challenge you experience.
Work with your biology. There are so many active recovery strategies that I highlight in my High Performance Zen Course that you can engage with to promote cellular change in your body that your mind and spirit will begin to embrace. Through breathwork, cold plunges, yoga, meditation and sound healing, I have used each of these to develop my own healing alchemy through so much traumatic change. Whether the transition to single life and parenting or the ankle reconstruction I have been healing through since February, each of these processes that helped me create peace, self awareness and forward progress instead of giving in to self doubt in uncharted territory.
Try Reiki - Working with the energy in your body and the universe, reiki is able to stimulate the natural healing process to promote deeper health and healing. I would love to show you how. It’s calming, safe and gentle and you will love it. It’s safe for athletes, kids, I even use it on my animals and brings deep calm and connection to your mind, body and spirit.
What I know at this point is that life is one long transition. It’s going to bring you things that are greater than you ever expected and deliver blows that knock you off your feet. But trust in the alchemy that will bring peace to the process and help you BE BETTER with each passing day. Feel into it this weekend and enjoy it. Rest in the knowledge that what you need to succeed is within you and keep your eyes and heart open to what will add to your process. We are bringing it to you at BE BETTER. Come join us on this journey, and add your alchemy to this amazing process.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
Check out this awesome flow mix that I love to write to. Music is always part of my alchemy:)
The BE BETTER story isn’t about me. It’s a story of relationships that helps remind us that we are strong on our own, and better together. It’s about the people who trust me, ask me for recommendations and advice, and who I coach to recognize the beauty and potential that is already inside each one of you. This is about the connection I feel with parents, athletes, and coaches of all ages as we engage in these conversations about the next right step on the path and how to honor it with intention. It’s about the feeling I get when I am in a gym, on the beach, in a yoga class, or standing on a pool deck watching people use the sports they love as a vessel to become the best versions of themselves. I know the journey intimately. It’s been a part of my own healing, thriving and most importantly has given me some of the most valuable relationships in my life. Volleyball has helped me understand myself, my strengths and weaknesses, and given me a place to come back to again and again to work on them.
As much as I love to break down the games I love by stats and technical skill, my unique gift is to see patterns that have happened on an athlete's journey and help them see the why behind their hard work or perhaps where they are challenged on the road to accomplish their goals. My new course, High Performance Zen, is a great self paced way to help athletes and their families avoid the pitfalls of burnout and create wellness for life. And our Be Better monthly membership gives you access to live discussions with me weekly, discounts on products and courses, and a robust video library of conversations with Olympians, volleyball pros, and healers of all kinds, focused on being as strong as we can on our own, so we can Be Better together.
Be Better is also a platform to connect all the ideas, services, and businesses of the volleyball community in one place so we can come together and support each other. Each month we will grow with more listings of great services from the people you want to support because they love the game as much as you do. We are not competition, we are a rising tide for athletes, parents, and coaches and a place to promote great camps, products, and content that raises the vibration in the gym, on the beach, and all over this planet that we love.
Over the last year, I have had a number of mothers and daughters that I have built deep relationships with as I have had the honor to be a part of their journey. Many times I’ve noticed, it’s not the things that happen at practice or during a game that we talk about, it’s the relationships off the court that have an impact on our self worth, mindset, and confidence. Often the paths they have walked remind me of myself and my own two girls. When you are delving into topics of identity, self worth, and the relationships that shape young minds on those things, trust is the most important issue. As both a parent and a coach, I know that relationship is in a tough spot these days. Right alongside my relationship with my own kids, this coaching relationship is a sacred space for me, and you have my word, I will always treat it that way.
Chip Conley said in one of the many legendary Finding Mastery episodes that I’ve listened to over the years
“Wisdom is pattern recognition.”
Over the last few years as my vision for Be Better has come together, there have been some starts and stops and twists and turns as I figured out some patterns in myself and in the world that needed healing. As the coach and healer I am, I want you to know that you can trust me. Whether coaching, energy healing or a combination of both, I am here to honor an athlete’s progress in life and let it transform the way she plays. I will never stop learning new ways to Be Better and I will always shine the light so you can connect with the greatness that is already inside of you so you can BE BETTER too. Come join us!
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Listen and watch my new podcast 'What I Meant to Say'. This week was with Savvy Simo, and a new one is released every Wednesday! Over the last few years as my vision for Be Better has And starting May 1, which is as soon as I will be off these crutches, I will have an office in the South Bay to do 1:1 coaching/energy healing in person. Zoom sessions are available now!
Writers seek throughlines. Coaches seek potential. Athletes (& humans really) often seek perfection. I am all of these things. But since July 28, 2000, my deepest sense of connection is being a parent. I’ve never been more connected to a calling or felt a greater sense of purpose in my life, I guess that’s how I ended up with four of them. Whether it was a 3am feeding, getting down on their level to look at a little face, or the joy I feel watching them discover who they are, I have always sought their presence. All of these identities have collided in my mind as I try to understand the reality of the tragedy that occurred at Stanford this week. I didn’t know Katie, and I know I can’t make anything better, or create any comfort for people I don’t even know. I find myself unable to concentrate except to seek the throughline, to mourn the loss of potential, and to say that there is no perfection expected or possible when it comes to ourselves or our kids. We just need their presence. I can’t imagine life without them and what the Meyer family, Katie's friends, and her entire community have been left to grieve leaves me with the greatest sense of despair and emptiness.
All week I’ve been journaling about women, because they have shown up for me in ways big and small since my surgery three weeks ago. We are a force to be reckoned with, and at the same time, are so hard on ourselves. Even together, with a sense of a sisterhood, or a team, we can feel so alone. So many of us are challenged when it comes to asking for help; we feel we need to put on a brave face and be strong on our own. I think we are afraid to need each other. After surgery, I’ve needed help for the simple things, and at this stage of the game, I've finally gotten a little better at asking…and the women have come out of the woodwork. I'm sure Katie was like these women. They've been there to lend a hand with everything from a ride, to a meal, to laundry, to taking Matthew’s stitches out of his hand.
Yes, he managed to crash on his skateboard three days after my surgery and wind up with seven stitches and a compressed L1/L2 in his back. He scared the heck out of me to the point that I wasn’t even ready to talk about it last week. It made me feel fragile in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time, since he was little and I couldn’t let him out of my sight after his near drowning accident. Over the last twelve years since we almost lost him, I have battled with how to let him go out and experience life in the way that is necessary to build confidence and independence instead of giving in to the neurotic feeling that exhausted me because no matter what I did, I knew that I could not control enough to guarantee his safety. As parents, we never can. On the surface, life often looks harder for him than it does for my other three. School and socialization are harder and it is an achilles heel to cater more to him because from the world’s perspective he seems to struggle more. But the pressures that our kids put on themselves at the ‘top’, where internal battles are hidden under their more hearty exteriors and grace under fire ways, or the amazing wins that we all love to celebrate, are extreme. How do we know what is too much? What I know is that over a lifetime the high highs are not what bring us through but instead, the simplest forms of human connection that ground us in our inevitable moments of uncertainty, sadness, fear, or grief so that we can see another sunrise.
Life is full of questions that we never know the answers to. I am certain that the question of how a life is cut too short is one that will never leave us. The only throughline I can find is that we need each other to understand our beauty and our struggle and connect anyway. We have to tell people we love them, and help each other see a way through when we can’t find it on our own. We have to show that we are that one call that says you matter too much and the end isn't near.
I wanted to come up with an answer…the age of social media, the isolation that we have experienced, or the achievement that may seem to be a birthright for lights that shine so bright on earth, but the writer in me can’t come up with one. Every week I write to gain perspective and to connect with the younger generation to pass on whatever wisdom I’ve uncovered along my journey. But today the only thing that comes through is that we need to love and lean on each other when fear creeps in and the struggle is too much to shoulder alone. For Katie the struggle is over, but I can feel her strength is still here. I hope and pray that God’s grace covers her friends and family in the softest golden light and that they can always feel her strong presence…because as parents, from the moment any of you are born, that is all we ever need.
IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW NEEDS HELP PLEASE CALL THE NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE AT 1-800-273-8255 or TEXT "HOME" to the CRISIS TEXT LINE AT 741-741
Over the past five years, I have learned so much from my body. I didn’t realize I had left it, in many ways I had disconnected from it long ago to protect myself from all of the things highly sensitive people feel. But as I’ve come back into it, through breath, movement and human connection, I began to realize everything that I still expect of it. I still want to swim, play, and flow, through life. I decided that I wanted more for myself, that I wanted not just to dream more, but to be more, to feel and fall in love with myself in a way that would make my life better and set an example for my kids that could help change the trajectory of their lives too.
My north star is to heal patterns of generational pain that cause us to shut down and develop compensating patterns and defense mechanisms that harm our relationships with ourselves and others and keep us off the path to our fullest potential. And one thing I know for sure is that the path starts with a firm foundation, and for the past 10 years I have had a hard time feeling my feet firmly planted on the ground.
What I know is that our physical, mental, and energetic bodies are not separate and with a degenerative right ankle and a bad surgery I had in 2012 that displaced my heel position, I had struggled to get both feet squarely on the ground beneath me. My foot positioning impacted my ability to balance well and use both sides of my body equally. The repercussions that came from that were many, from compensating patterns, to not being able to train certain muscles even if I wanted to, to feeling very vulnerable to anything that was coming at me from the right side. And even though most people would never have noticed, I knew that it was time to correct course and get my feet firmly planted on the ground again. They are our foundation, where we gain the ability to ground our thoughts and actions and begin to let in the sensations that tell us where we are in space. Although I have tried every intervention you can think of from massage, to myofascial tissue release, to acupuncture, to get my foundation back, I needed some Western medicine to intervene. On Feb 14, I woke up after surgery at Kerlan Job (can’t say enough about the quality of their care!) with my heel back underneath my foot and the strong possibility of a full recovery to a strong foundation. This is where my optimism shines…I know it’s going to happen and it’s worth every non-weight bearing moment.
As I journeyed home from the surgery center, a car ride I barely remember after a 2.5 hour surgery, the one thing I do recall was coming back into my home. This gratitude I have for the calm, regenerative space that I have owned for the past 3 years is immense. Hobbling back in on my crutches, I had the same feeling as the first time I saw it. My home has a healing spirit, and I feed it everyday with essential oils, lavender sprays, and routine saging and palo santo burns so it can keep its ability to strengthen and restore anyone who lives here or comes to stay. Even though life has landed me in a very nice neck of the woods on California’s Pacific Ocean, It’s never about being fancy, this space is about safety and connection and providing a place where people can gather to restore and feel understood.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve needed so much help to keep my universe on track - non weight bearing and can’t drive - and the support that has poured in has flooded my heart with gratitude. From the meals, rides, and company, to the calls and texts to check in, I can’t thank you enough for the ways I have felt loved - my home has felt like a sort of co-op and it has been the most amazing feeling. This has been my body’s chance to heal and slow down, but also my mind's journey to greater places and my spirit's time to recharge to give me the energy to see my vision through. The connection I have made over the past few weeks coming through the pain of surgery to insure a solid foundation is that without that, I would not be able to keep this roof over my head that I am so grateful for. What I know for sure is that the foundations that we build, shape the homes we create and the roofs over our head. The cool thing is it’s never too late to work on our foundations.
As I watch from a distance what is going on in the world, I know there is so little I can do on a grand scale, but my north star of generational healing is a little piece of parallel universe that allows me to give back and makes me feel less helpless.
I want to leave you with a quote from C.S. Lewis that struck me this week in the wake of all that humanity faces today:
“If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things - praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting with our friends over a pint and a game of darts - not huddled together like freightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds. “
Whether the microbes that have consumed our lives for the past two years or the heartbreaking destruction in Ukraine, I am praying for peace through strength and strong foundations...from the ones beneath our feet that we are responsible for, to the ones we create in our homes, and out into the far reaches of the world, so that the human spirit can live freely with safe roofs over their heads. Praying for the safety of the Ukrainian people who deserve to live in peace and do all of the sensible things C.S. Lewis’s words so eloquently expressed. Not a small prayer, but for each of us it starts with doing the next right thing so we can be a little bit better today to be stronger, so that we may be free tomorrow.
The events of the week have done their best to knock me for a loop and I’m grateful for faith and meditation to help me keep my feet on the ground. When I read the news, things don’t feel right to me. I see big glaring holes in reason, hypocrisy around so many corners, and profits that matter more than people. Even the practicality of the day is being challenged. Do I stop working and go wait in line for a free Covid test handed out at the high school to test my asymptomatic child, or do I push forward with the work I am passionate about to create deep health and wellness in the world? There are only so many hours in the day, and the powers that be seem to want me to run from place to place, seeking out tests and spending money to have them expedited to comply with more regulations so that the kids can try to maintain some semblance of normalcy. It’s beyond stressful for them, in a way that sinks into their nervous systems in ways they can’t even label. There is real damage being done, I see it firsthand every day. They are learning that even when they work hard and follow ‘the rules’, what they work for can be pulled from them in a moment's notice. They are being taught to isolate and hide rather than connect and it’s far more damaging emotionally and mentally than this latest mutation of the virus that all the news would have us believe lurks at universities, high school functions, small sporting events, and conventions where kids gather to share their talents, but somehow misses The Rose Bowl and the Laker games. At this point, it’s hard not to believe that financial gain for big corporations is being valued far more than the life experiences that we only get certain times in our lives to experience. The damage being done right now will be studied and talked about for generations.
My frustration comes in large part because this is not March of 2020 and one thing I have always believed is that when you know more, you can and should do better. But what I see is that we know more, and we keep doing the same thing. This virus has mutated to a form that on average, seems to cause a nasty cold, not death. They say the hospitals are still full, but that is a function of far more than COVID cases. I’m convinced now that if we haven’t already had it, we are going to get it. So why would we close schools, cancel games, fan attendance, and other experiences for our kids when there is no significant risk to their health? Unless we have other risk factors, which we as human beings need to be autonomous enough to recognize and assess our own risk, the cycle at this point seems to be get sick, lay low, recover. As you can see, I’m frustrated, more for the next generation than even for myself.
But I still want to understand why:
It’s ok to focus, and even force, a vaccination that neither stops the contraction or the transmission of the virus but not on treatment protocols for people who are infected with it?
It’s ok to tell someone that they have to put a shot, or multiple shots, in their body, but believe in a woman’s right to choose?
It’s a conspiracy to follow the money trail to big corporations while small businesses are being decimated by closures and the isolated way of life that is promoted in the name of safety?
It’s difficult to find a bed in a mental care facility for someone who has been infected with Omicron, when the risk to their life is far less than the mental affliction that is causing such deep pain?
My point isn’t how I feel on any one of these topics, but the hypocrisy that seems to exist in the perspectives. I’ve talked this week with so many whose lives have been affected by the virus. But the truth is that I have never talked to anyone who has stared down death that doesn’t want to go out living as large as they possibly can. Life will continue to be a risky proposition on so many levels (not just this one singular risk that we can’t seem to take our eyes off for a minute), but we are here to live it. Give the next generation a chance at the memories that are bigger than any risk that is posed to them. They deserve regular life, and as I continue to trust my gut, I know it is more than possible.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
THIS WEEKS SONG - Thanks for the find Chrissy;)
The first time I visited a spa I was 24. It was for my sister’s 21st birthday and I marveled at the calm that I felt after three days there. Looking back, that was my first glimpse at what it felt like to balance an overstimulated sympathetic nervous system. I had been a fearful kid, my optometrist uncle saw what are known as “worry lines” in my eyes in the third grade. I desperately wanted to hold on to the serene feeling that I had after three days of yoga, meditation, massages, and deep sleep in the most comfortable beds with pillows that perfectly cradled my head. The tension melted from my neck and shoulders and I wanted to know how I could hang on to this zen feeling when I re-entered regular life. I had no idea how that could be possible. It’s funny to think that at that point in my life, I wasn’t a mom and had 20 years fewer miles and experience on my body and mind…and yet was already craving that rebalance.
In the years after that first visit to the spa, I’m grateful to have had plenty of soul-restoring slow downs that brought me back to that blissful state, where my heart rate slows, my breath flows deep and easy, my mind is clear, and my aptitude for learning sky rockets. Some have had big price tags, others are daily rituals that are virtually free. One of these experiences has been this past week, doing little to nothing except write, read, walk, exercise, and eat fresh delicious food with my dearest friend Elizabeth on the big island of Hawaii with much thanks to the generosity of my mom and dad. Elizabeth is the cleaning to my cooking, the detail to my big visions, and the note taking to my listening ear and we could travel the entire world together and never tire of each others company.
As I look back, this restorative path that I have sought, attracted, and craved was something I long felt guilty about. Even when I’m not on vacation, as an adult, I have sought a healing path dotted with chiropractors, acupuncturists, somatic healers, a yoga practice, and research on every type of recovery I can come across and the people I have met in this walk of life have become dear friends. I understand now that I feel my connection to the earth and the world around me on an even deeper level than mind, body, and spirit, and being wired that way takes a lot of care to sustain a healthy and purposeful path. I also believe, and now science has shown, that recovery should be emphasized as a priority on any high performing path because burnout is the enemy of sustainable success. Proper challenges, combined with strong recovery strategies, will increase our potential and performance over time and we don’t even have to take long vacations to access many of these ways of being (although if a vacation is available to you, I highly recommend the reset). The research I have done on recovery methods has led me to better sleep hygiene, nutrition, meditation, infrared and near infrared light exposure, yoga, acupuncture, talk therapy, music, and understanding the importance of deep connection with people in my life. Recovery in itself requires discipline and has helped me push my limits, understand myself better, and be better for the relationships with the people that I love and care for. If you are looking to level up in the game of life, start looking for the reasons you avoid recovery and scope out some protocols that would be easy and enjoyable to mix into your routine. If you need help with this search, let me know. It may feel like an uncomfortable sacrifice of productivity at first…but discomfort is a great catalyst for growth.
The truth is, our ability to propel ourselves to new heights and create sustainable flow in our lives, is directly related to the state of our nervous system and our ability to recover. Today I know I’m not a bliss junkie who wants to be on a perpetual vacation, just that that the yin energy in my life creates a home in my body where I can stay awhile.
As Ferris Bueller famously quoted:
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
We honor the first half of our life when we are able to wink knowingly at the good and unlearn what didn’t serve us, and then see what we can inspire others to understand that has helped us along the way. The more mindful, calm, well slept, and unrushed I become, the deeper my connection grows to what is possible.
Thanks mom and dad for this time in paradise, my mind is clear and refreshed and that will have a ripple effect that extends far and wide.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
This song from one of my favorite bands was released with perfect timing
