The first time I visited a spa I was 24. It was for my sister’s 21st birthday and I marveled at the calm that I felt after three days there. Looking back, that was my first glimpse at what it felt like to balance an overstimulated sympathetic nervous system. I had been a fearful kid, my optometrist uncle saw what are known as “worry lines” in my eyes in the third grade. I desperately wanted to hold on to the serene feeling that I had after three days of yoga, meditation, massages, and deep sleep in the most comfortable beds with pillows that perfectly cradled my head. The tension melted from my neck and shoulders and I wanted to know how I could hang on to this zen feeling when I re-entered regular life. I had no idea how that could be possible. It’s funny to think that at that point in my life, I wasn’t a mom and had 20 years fewer miles and experience on my body and mind…and yet was already craving that rebalance.
In the years after that first visit to the spa, I’m grateful to have had plenty of soul-restoring slow downs that brought me back to that blissful state, where my heart rate slows, my breath flows deep and easy, my mind is clear, and my aptitude for learning sky rockets. Some have had big price tags, others are daily rituals that are virtually free. One of these experiences has been this past week, doing little to nothing except write, read, walk, exercise, and eat fresh delicious food with my dearest friend Elizabeth on the big island of Hawaii with much thanks to the generosity of my mom and dad. Elizabeth is the cleaning to my cooking, the detail to my big visions, and the note taking to my listening ear and we could travel the entire world together and never tire of each others company.
As I look back, this restorative path that I have sought, attracted, and craved was something I long felt guilty about. Even when I’m not on vacation, as an adult, I have sought a healing path dotted with chiropractors, acupuncturists, somatic healers, a yoga practice, and research on every type of recovery I can come across and the people I have met in this walk of life have become dear friends. I understand now that I feel my connection to the earth and the world around me on an even deeper level than mind, body, and spirit, and being wired that way takes a lot of care to sustain a healthy and purposeful path. I also believe, and now science has shown, that recovery should be emphasized as a priority on any high performing path because burnout is the enemy of sustainable success. Proper challenges, combined with strong recovery strategies, will increase our potential and performance over time and we don’t even have to take long vacations to access many of these ways of being (although if a vacation is available to you, I highly recommend the reset). The research I have done on recovery methods has led me to better sleep hygiene, nutrition, meditation, infrared and near infrared light exposure, yoga, acupuncture, talk therapy, music, and understanding the importance of deep connection with people in my life. Recovery in itself requires discipline and has helped me push my limits, understand myself better, and be better for the relationships with the people that I love and care for. If you are looking to level up in the game of life, start looking for the reasons you avoid recovery and scope out some protocols that would be easy and enjoyable to mix into your routine. If you need help with this search, let me know. It may feel like an uncomfortable sacrifice of productivity at first…but discomfort is a great catalyst for growth.
The truth is, our ability to propel ourselves to new heights and create sustainable flow in our lives, is directly related to the state of our nervous system and our ability to recover. Today I know I’m not a bliss junkie who wants to be on a perpetual vacation, just that that the yin energy in my life creates a home in my body where I can stay awhile.
As Ferris Bueller famously quoted:
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
We honor the first half of our life when we are able to wink knowingly at the good and unlearn what didn’t serve us, and then see what we can inspire others to understand that has helped us along the way. The more mindful, calm, well slept, and unrushed I become, the deeper my connection grows to what is possible.
Thanks mom and dad for this time in paradise, my mind is clear and refreshed and that will have a ripple effect that extends far and wide.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
This song from one of my favorite bands was released with perfect timing
The best antidote for perfectionism is a commitment to be better one step at a time. No advancement is too small, no step insignificant. But those aren’t the moments we see as we scroll our social media feeds 10, 20, or 100 times a day. Because I am passionate about human potential and growth, almost every product that crosses my feed is related to potential and performance on some level. My friend and I joke that 'they' are listening to our conversations...the products that show up on our feeds right after we chat are just too well marketed for it to be a coincidence. The thoughts and quotes and perfect pictures of the highlight reel of life fill in the rest of the space, and you have the perfect recipe for overwhelm. And yet I come back every day, posting on my story daily, taking part in the great social experiment that is Facebook and Instagram.
I do many other things to guard my consciousness and discipline my thought process but Monday, my mind was clear after a workout and the full realization that Facebook and Instagram were down hit me, and I paused to take it in. I noticed the slowdown in my brain and it felt blissful. I went back to a time when it was just me, and the connections that I made with people were one on one, which are still my favorite kind. I love uncovering layer after layer of someone’s story, when they are ready to tell it. Compared to that experience, social media feels jarring and shallow. The irony with all this sharing of information about our lives, is that we are lonelier as a population than we were in the past, not something that I would attribute solely to social media, but definitely a contributing factor. I texted my kids and a few other college students asking them if they had any thoughts on the matter…I got back some sarcastic jokes…”it’s the end of the world mom”, which of course made me laugh out loud, I know they have enough papers to write so when I ask these questions I don’t actually expect a deeply philosophical response. One of them chimed in saying that she and her roommates had been talking about it, checking their phones over and over again, to see what they were missing, noting how conditioned they had become to want to see whatever was coming across their feed first, in short order, before it became old news.
Behaviorally, most of us are guilty of the mindless scrolling that keeps us procrastinating, numbing whatever thought or feeling may be ailing us at the moment with that dopamine hit that comes from our feed, or feeling a sense of overwhelm as ideas, pictures, and products fill our consciousness. It’s no surprise that the growing interest in mindfulness practice coincides with our social media addiction. The first is trying to help us return to ourselves, the latter, especially if we don’t participate in the first, is pulling us away. Then when you couple the thought that the algorithm is dividing us, grouping us with like minds rather than exposing us to different views or opposing ideas, we are understanding less, with shorter attention spans than we had in the past. I wonder why the algorithm can’t be changed to do the opposite, so that we could be more easily informed of the flip side of an argument, the other side of the story, or an opinion different than our own. My mind always has a way of finding it’s way back to the optimistic side of life and because I believe in living exactly where my feet are planted today, social media is a part of that picture, so the question becomes how we handle it, rather than letting it handle us. Here are a few ideas and practices that I have come up with that help me keep it all in perspective:
Consciously choose the amount of time, and schedule the time you want to spend on scrolling or returning DM’s. With smartphones, we have all become accustomed to quick responses and having information at our fingertips and we forget that we are in charge of our schedules, and instead our impulses and buzzing alerts run our life. Before social media, there were other challenges that pulled on our ability to be present, this is just the latest one, and there will be more. So use the current reality to train the underlying habit of being present with the people around you, and dedicate specific time to build new connections that originate online.
Dedicate time, whether a hour or two or a day or a week to detoxing, consciously choose to stay off, and read a book or talk with a friend instead. Create real downtime for yourself and notice how your nervous system decompresses with the space you create between you and the social media universe.
Drill down on the connections that you are introduced to via social media. They may be the first layer of something that can become a passion. If you notice you don’t find interests that provide you with an avenue for growth on your feed, that is something you have the power to change just by paying attention to different things. Your feed is a snapshot of what captures your attention, if you don’t think it is helping you grow, change it.
In the end, I am so grateful for the real connection and learning that results from the time I’ve spent in this alternate dimension, because I pulled on the thread of an an initial introduction to a concept or human. The knowledge and friendships that have happened in this space for me have often led to profound understanding. Once again, life is what we make it by where we choose to focus. Honing that skill will always be important. I’ve made “friends” and learned things from their honest intention to help the world that would have been much harder for me to find and grasp without social media. Most of these are people I have never met, a few have I met in passing, and even fewer I have now shared meals with and turned into what I would call real connections. We live in an age of so much information, where it seems like the algorithm rules…keep thinking for yourself. Understand the current environment and find the courage to be you, independent of what the social stratosphere registers. The world needs your original thinking, don’t shy away from it.
When we look up from our scrolling, take a deep breath, and notice the real people and stories going on around us, we learn that they are always far from perfect but I’m drawn to them like a magnet. So post the highlights, but know that we are so much deeper and richer for the moments in life that we will never post, where our character is tested and real growth happens. The foundation of real optimism lies in how we react in the most ‘unpostable’ moments and our ability to adapt to the truth that life will never be perfect, but can always be better…sometimes in the tiniest steps, and others in giant leaps. Once we know this, we’ll experience a million moments that are worthy of our highlight roll…whether that’s the one in our head, or we decide to share it is completely up to us.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
Of all my favorite things in life, a great conversation is at the top of the list. Meeting new people and hearing their stories has become one of my favorite things, and when I’m out, my ears are open all the time for the possibilities. I love expansive, unguarded straight talk. Not the reckless, I’m going to shoot from the hip kind of talk, but the type that isn’t afraid to speak out of fear of judgment. I am always ready to hear a new story, and most of the time when I do, the charge I get energizes my own journey and inspires me to keep going. Let’s face it, there are so many situations in life that can put our backs up against the wall, but man are we a resilient bunch. We are wired for this kind of connection, and we won’t get as far down our path as we should, if we don’t know who to trust, learn from, and have the courage to share and connect with those people that come into our lives. And then after a few of these conversations, I’m good for a little introvert retreat and reset and I couldn’t be more grateful for the space I have created for myself and my kids with the calm and grounded energy that makes me feel at home.
Given how much I value human connection, I was in the zone this week. Wednesday I had the chance to record a great dialogue with Olympian and new mom, Carli Lloyd, about empathy, connection, and the hopes we have for our kids in this world today. And then, Friday night, I found myself in my own neighborhood, recording a podcast called Drinks on Saturday, with two new friends, Joey, who I met on the 4th of July, when I showed up at a party, by myself, knowing no one except the host who invited me, and Mike who I only met when I showed up to record. I promise to share it when it comes out because it was a blast! These are the kinds of situations I find myself in these days because of this eyes up, ears open experience I am learning to live. It gives me a good read on curious people who embrace life and live it a way that makes the world smaller and more connected. Joey and Mike are asking some big questions and trying to make the world a little better through connection and conversation. And truthfully, I haven’t met a memory bank on American history and current events like the one Joey has! We had a two plus hour chat on everything from parenting to mindset & politics, and whether it was a Friday or a Saturday, that was my way to spend an evening! That is what I love about the world of podcasting…its a gold mine out there!!
Here are five takeaways from my conversations and listening this week:
Drastic Changes don’t last, take small steps, celebrate little victories.
EQ is as important as IQ, the way the world is going, maybe more important.
Recklessness is opposite of cowardice, courage lies in the middle. Learn to be discerning.
Focus on how you want to live your life, rather than how others should live theirs.
Your mindset is the difference between being the victim and the victor in your own life.
I’ve been going back through my blog gathering insight from my thoughts to add to a my next book. I am convinced we have so much to learn from each other, we have to keep talking. Trust your gut, and when it tells you the moment is right, open your ears and listen, and then share your own experience…I promise you’ll find connection and more inspiration for whatever life throws your way.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
The song from the Release Radar that keeps giving me the chills this week…
Photo Credit: Anthony Moore - @amoorephoto_
A picture popped up on my phone from Facebook this morning, one of those “five years ago today” memories. It was the year I skipped 6 man and drove up the coast with the kids. I wasn’t in the mood to play that year, staring down a divorce I didn’t want, but, looking back now, I remember that trip being an incredibly healing time. Me with them, in charge, confident, keeping my own schedule and creating the experience that I wanted to create. Instead of feeling sad, it felt free, like a massive decompression, a shift in my nervous system that let me breath deep, move slow, and believe I was going to be ok…away from the guilt, shame, and failure that I had been feeling. I was moving through it, and we were supporting each other through the tough stuff. It felt safe and real and I discovered that there aren’t two feelings I treasure more, because real love can be found in this place. It was my first adult realization that to get where I wanted to go I had to move through the pain.
Whether physical, mental, or emotional, pain comes to teach us something.
C.S. Lewis said:
“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains…”
Different than the emotional pain I had to find my way through five years ago, the pain I have been experiencing for the last three weeks is physical…sciatic nerve pain that leaves the deepest dull but persistent ache down my left leg most of the time. It’s only been three weeks and it has given me the slightest perspective on what chronic, nagging, pain does to our minds and spirits, it’s so much more than physical. It makes me want to go home instead of out, afraid that I won’t be able to do the things I love to do, makes my temper short and my mind foggy and then try and figure out what to do to get better. I stayed off the court for a few days and only felt worse, so I went out and played, and felt better. My blood needs to pump, I feel better when I’m moving. I’ve consulted all my trusted sources who help keep me feeling good from my massage therapist of 14 years Olga, Frank, my sage of a chiropractic orthopedist, and Amanda my amazing acupuncturist. I even had my therapist, who is also a trained Reiki healer, help me move some of this stagnant energy out of my body. I already spend a lot of time thinking about how grateful I am that I can have these cherished people in my life, they are all so much more than practitioners, they are my friends and we’ve built a bond on the path to health and healing. I can’t wait for you to hear from them in the conversations coming with my new website. Each one of them provided their healing ways and little by little this week the pain is getting better, but it’s not close to gone.
Just in time, I checked my calendar and saw that my last Reiki training with the most incredible group of women was set for this weekend. Since December, I have had the privilege to sit with a group of healing spirits once a month and learn about Reiki and other forms of energy healing. It’s hard to describe the peaceful and accepting feeling these women create, but tonight it takes me back to safe and real…no judgment, no secrets, no agenda, except to bring healing to body, mind, and spirit. And collectively they worked on my hurting leg and hip with their healing hands, and the stories, blocks, and battles that my life has created were part of this process. Pain is never about one thing, it gets its hooks in us and digs in deep and manifests in ways we could never anticipate. And while there is strength in carrying on, the love and healing is found by accepting and moving through it. If I can help you with Reiki healing, let me know. It really is amazing.
Yes, Monday I have a doctor’s appointment to get this hip and leg of mine checked out…but without the past ten days integrating these practices, I would only be treating the symptom, not the source of my pain. Too often these days, this is what we try to do; end the suffering by dulling what we feel. The stories of our lives live in our bodies, it’s our job to check in with them and find a safe space to work through them for ourselves and because pain has a ripple effect that lasts for generations. Pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you, I have learned a lot from mine this past week.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
So glad this guy is making music again….
The Olympics have me deeper into TV and news than usual. As always, there is so much to cheer for, be proud of, and inspire us for whatever our game of life looks like, and the one thing I know for sure is that we never know the whole story of the journey that put any of us in the shoes we wear today. The same goes for these athletes. Whether it’s Simone Biles withdrawal from competition, Caleb Dressel’s medal stack and the vulnerability he showed in one of his post race interviews admitting how hard this past year has been, or the unbelievable story of Jake and Taylor’s beach volleyball partnership as it became Jake & Tri and they took the court for their first match with only two practices under their belt, the story behind the story is always what interests and inspires me more than any medal or result. These athletes remind us of what is possible, but their road comes with intense pressure and grind that only few in the world can understand. I hope that what comes from this Olympic experience, played out under the most unimaginable circumstances, without fans and families, and indecisive tests that can end the road for them in an instant, is an awareness for the need for support from early in a promising athlete’s career. The task of developing a whole person in the vacuum of trying to becoming the best in the world is immense, but the real lessons we learn from the success and failure we experience as athletes have the potential to create amazing human beings.
In this day and age, athletes at the Olympic level are intimately tied to the business of sport with endorsements, financial gain, and their livelihood is on the line. Consistent greatness comes with a price tag and the financial distress that can come with having an Olympic dream is immense. I’ve heard it quoted on my favorite podcast that the average Olympian finishes their Olympic run $150,000 in debt. These stories have been a reminder to me this week that no one is meant to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and none of us can reach our potential alone, even the best in the world. The struggles we have seen become part of their heroes journey and show us that success doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Watching the American medley relay team, made up of four American teenage girls, support their anchor who missed out on the gold by .13 seconds was an inspiring picture of what support from the inside looks like. No matter what the story, how can we integrate the whole process of becoming instead of holding the physical performance, the end result, and mental health as separate parts where one has to be sacrificed for another? As spectators, we can meet the stories of these high performing athletes with empathy and compassion knowing the kind of pressure they are under and the inspiration they provide for us. And then I realize that if we did that every day with everyone we meet, how much greater the connection with the people around us would be. If people feel like they have to watch out for themselves because no one else has their back, human connection and our sense of humanity is lost.
People say to me all the time, you are so open with your blog and what you write about. I write to clear my head, and so my kids will have an idea of what their mom was thinking about. I don’t want to be a mystery to them when they reach an age where it becomes relevant to their experience. My greatest hope is that it helps them understand themselves better even if I’m not around. I want them to understand that they are so much more than what they accomplish or do in a day. Armed with the understanding that not everyone has earned the right to know everything, vulnerability and candor have helped me create connection with people that inspire and teach me from the highest levels of sport and have helped me learn more about myself and the world. I can’t imagine keeping it locked up inside, it’s the greatest reason I have for my optimism.
What I have learned in my life is that success stories are not perfect pictures, they are real, marred by cuts and scraps and even deep daggers to our hearts that change us, the question becomes will we have the courage to wrestle with what lies beneath that story and will we be the ones who choose not to judge the stories of others that we think we understand even though we have never walked a mile their shoes. These Olympics are the games that will inspire me for all the reasons that they have since 1984, and for so many new reasons because of the struggling humanity that is on display. The better we know ourselves, our boundaries become clear, and we meet the stories we encounter with more compassion and less judgment, and that is a win every single time. This last year and a half has shown us how independently strong we are and in the same moment how much we need each other for connection and growth…it’s not an either/or proposition. We are never alone in the struggle if we have the courage to let it be seen.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Most of my mornings start with movement. Over the years it’s become a ritual, like coffee or brushing my teeth. And while my routine has contributed to my overall health and happiness, the communities and relationships that have come from the places I’ve showed up have been an equal gift. Whether it was and the crunch of leaves with my neighbors for morning runs, the smell of chlorine and steam rising off the pool, the feel of sand under my feet, or a hot yoga room that was dearly missed over the past year, the people that choose to ‘play’ with me have shaped my life and gotten me through the down days. Whether it was the hugs I got on the pool deck the Wednesday morning after we almost lost Matthew in a near drowning or the focus I found on the court after my nervous system began to decompress after my divorce, sports and the communities that are created by them have created a deeper understanding about the experiences of life and others. These places and people are my home away from home, the backbone of the lessons I’ve learned in life, an incredible gift to my outlook on parenting, and a place where my own compassion for the stories of others has grown.
Within our teams and sports communities, even if we all look like athletes showing up to compete, the happenings of life that go on outside the court are often what bring us together if we take the time to listen. Whether the game gives us a chance to forget our worries, pound out our frustration or feel the elation of flow that disconnects us from our thinking mind for a period of time, there are so many psychological benefits to competition.
I never would have thought that spending almost a year working to get Stanford sports reinstated would introduce me to people that I may otherwise never have met. I wouldn’t have found Mollie Reinhart and the Befriend Movement - connecting people by forging new relationships through compassion, and healing racial divides in Richmond, Virginia, and using sports as a common ground to understand each other better. We have common visions on opposite coasts - and an almost tragedy turned to triumph in sports brought us together.
The energy and understanding in the world changes when we tell our story and open our eyes and ears to the experiences of others. The worst thing we can do is assume anything, because we shut out the possibility of what we can learn when we take the time to drop our guard and listen. Ironically, it’s the work we do on ourselves that allows us to listen with more compassion to others. The better we know ourselves, our strengths, weaknesses, hopes, and dreams, we create more space in the world for other people to do the same. We drop our guard only when we are comfortable in our own skin. It’s a maturity process that I hope for for everyone, with all of our bumps and bruises, we are all capable of this experience. The opportunities that sports have created for me to know myself better and connect my body to my mind and spirit have opened me up to a world of questions that I wouldn’t have had the courage to ask without the coaching, competition, success and failure I’ve experienced and I see that same spirit in so many other athletes when we connect. After last year, and as we get ready for Wimbledon and the Olympics, I’ll still be looking to uncover the story behind the story and root for the underdog every time, because the comeback is always greater than the set back.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
From the Release Radar and themed well for this blog
I have a theory that keeps running through my head. It is based both in self compassion and growth and goes like this:
When we are younger, we learn big things… how to talk, play, and relate with others, we find out what we are good at, and what we can do with those talents. Most of us follow a similar path with school, friends, and relationships, and paint the canvas of our life with big broad strokes. If we keep it within the navigational beacons, (thanks to my brother in law for coining that phrase) many of us get to a similar point in life. As we get older though, little cracks start to form in our canvas and affect our daily life patterns and relationships, in large part because our subconscious patterns, that we haven’t taken any time to become aware of, begin to chip away at the days that once seemed so simple. The good news is, we get to make the decision anytime along the way, to acquire a finer paintbrush, and use it to create the little strokes that lead to greater self awareness. This is the brush that fills in these little cracks that have formed on the canvas of our life. If we do the work, we lead a more connected and expansive life. If we choose not to, the cracks weaken us and we end up living a much smaller existence just to survive it all. It’s up to us to decide if we want to go from the school art project that our mom hung on the fridge to a beautiful scene or landscape worthy of a great gallery. Contrary to what society or social media might led us to believe, that great gallery isn’t reserved for the most popular, but for those who decide to take on the challenge of knowing themselves better and uncovering the power of their story. It’s a brave process and sometimes painful in the short term, but as we have the courage to work through it, I believe we always come out better for it. Each of us is so unique, yet we also desire so much to connect and belong together. The only way to find that deep connection with others is to find it first within yourself by discovering your own uniqueness and the strength that lies within it.
In 2020, I am growing my life design coaching to include curriculum that helps people uncover the power of their own story. We each have unique gifts, the powers I have uncovered for myself in this process the last few years are the strength in my calm demeanor, and my ability to disarm and create genuine safety in conversations with others. Uncovering these strengths and not being afraid to acknowledge them, and then learn to use them to help others, has been an empowering process. As I build out a coaching curriculum that includes aspects of mind, body, and spirit, I can help people uncover the power of their own story to help them realize the path to their fullest reality.
Mind - Relationships, parenting, transitions, patterns of limiting beliefs; these are among my favorite runways to explore. Do you want to work on your relationship with yourself or others? Is there a transition, whether a new job, a move, or the beginning or ending of a relationship in your life? Are you trying to create a happier, more productive home with your children? I have experience in all of these areas and a non judgmental listening ear.
Body - Sleep, Nutrition, Movement, Recovery...they are all part and parcel of a healthy life. Are you looking to feel better, lighter, or more fit in 2020. All of these major areas of health in our lives can be broken down into small manageable steps that lead to a sustainable game plan to a healthier, happier you and there are practical tools to make this process successful.
Spirit - Our spirit is about connecting with things that we cannot see but can definitely feel If we are open to it. Are you blocking the good things in life that are yours with negative energy? Are you speaking to yourself in a way that affirms your best life? Do you recognize a power in the universe that is bigger than yourself? Connecting to something greater than us is one of the most compassionate ways to view your own story.
Life is not happening to you, it’s happening for you.
Your self awareness is the key to unlock your fullest potential and 2020 is all about your vision being clear. You have all of the answers, but sometimes it helps to have a fresh look at the situation to understand where your mind might be getting stuck. A coaching session with me is a calm place where my clients are free to dialogue about where they are today, where they want to go, and what, if anything, is standing in their way. I use my trained, non judgmental ear to help you discover more about yourself and the answers that work for you. Sometimes it’s the tiniest brush strokes on our canvas that make the biggest change in our picture. I understand that safety and belonging are among our most important needs as human beings and strive to provide that environment in each coaching session.
If you want to uncover the power of your own story in 2020, click here. Here’s to staying present but also to the excitement about all this new decade has to offer any of us willing to put in the work.
There is a picture on my bookshelf of a quote that I like. It reads:
“She needed a hero, so she became one.”
For most of my life I would have said that sounds like someone who is full of themselves…today I say it’s the quote of someone who has challenged themselves to find the power in their own story and sees the beauty in anyone else who wants to take control of theirs. The twists and turns of my life have caused me to wrestle with some big narratives, whether it was my shyness, or finding my core values in an less than traditional family set up, life is better the more we understand ourselves how know how we want to show up in the world. But, because I have examined my patterns and thoughts, I have found a level of connection, kindness, and calm that produce a deep level of contentment on most days. So many thoughtful conversations come from considering your own steps and observing others and then knowing what questions to ask. The nature of the narratives of our lives is that they are personal, what is true for one story, may not work for another…which is why we should stay away from judging other people’s perspectives and either bond with what we have in common or can find compassion for, or set boundaries to protect what we see as our best way forward in our own life. Going back to what I wrote about. last week, we can’t control other people, but we are solely responsible for creating the best version of ourselves.
Optimism doesn’t mean that every twist and turn of life is joyful and easy. In fact, it’s the tougher moments, the challenges, and even the stress in our lives, that comes to teach us and make us stronger. This reality gets sticky for me sometimes, usually around issues that I feel define my character and the way I present myself. I’ve had to learn to trust myself, rather than the outside opinions that I was a fan of taking in, and trust the gut that I have developed from a lifetime of listening.
At some point, we all have to take ownership for our own lives, figure out why we make the choices we do, embrace what we love about ourselves, and get after changing the things we don’t.
Because I believe so deeply in authenticity, but have also learned that not every story in our life is for everybody, I know that I have to be accept the fact that some will vibe with my personal philosophy of life and some will pass on it.
I had a little gathering at my new house not too long ago and when I stopped to pay attention, I was inspired by the generations of people that I find connection with. Every decade from teenagers, who are my kids friends, to people in their 70’s showed up to hang out. As I always say,
“pay attention to what you attract because it’s leading you to your purpose.”
This experience, hanging out with people who are a part of my life, whether at yoga, on the volleyball court or others who help me stay healthy and sane over the course of my days, inspires my belief in connection and generational learning and makes me want to create a world where people aren’t so guarded and afraid to tell their stories, so I lead by telling mine. It’s not for attention, it’s because writing is cathartic and creates a sense of belonging with people who get me.
Part of building a strong and supportive tribe is knowing that we won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and, if we try to be, we end up exhausted and hiding our uniqueness that we have to share if we want to create health and happiness in our lives.
For so much of my life I was the young one, always feeling like I had so much to learn, afraid to put myself out there, and yet with this little voice in my head telling me all kinds of cool insight and stories, probably why I enjoy my alone time. I didn’t know that learning to manage criticism and judgment were a natural part of gaining a stronghold on our own lives, so naturally, I tried to avoid anything that might draw attention to myself. In school, I was always the youngest in my class, then I got married at 22, so most of the couple friends we had were older than me because really, not many people, even 20 years ago were getting married that young. It’s only been in the passing of the last few years that I have taken over the roll of one of the older ones. It’s like my old soul has finally caught up, and now I want to make good on the time I have left, which has me thinking about some of the things I want to work on in the New Year…
I will continue to ask, and even more frequently, knowing that silence or even rejection (I still can’t decide which one is more internally uncomfortable) isn’t a reflection on my worth or purpose. I am the only one who defines it. There is always the possibility that a connection is created with a yes. If we control our own mind, an ask is at best a neutral position, and even better, we get a yes and move the ball down the field.
I will embrace the wisdom that comes with age and love myself for both the changes that come, and the work I put in to stay healthy and free. I’ve been putting a camera on my face more often and have noticed that my initial instinct is to be more critical of myself. I’m learning to put my face and my voice out there anyway, because what you see is the real me, getting better…and that’s the best thing we do each day for ourselves and the generations that come after us.
I will separate myself from judgment of anything but my own path, find compassion for my own story, and set the firm boundaries that create healthy relationships in my life. Today I know how to do this and I want to teach others how to feel the strength I feel from learning this essential life skill.
Why share your real story? Because it matters and it helps create understanding in this world. And you will indeed end up becoming your own hero when you find the power in your story. The pain is in the shadows, it begins to subside when we learn to bring it into the light. The challenge is to decide who to share it with, it doesn’t have to be in a blog…start with one person, find your connection, and the most beautiful healing will take root inside of you.
