“Everyone needs a hug.” - David Smith - Olympic Gold Medalist, Cancer Survivor and paraplegic
Today I don’t think any words could be more true. Did you know that a twenty second hug with your weight over your own center of gravity is one of the human connections that completes the stress cycle? This was one of a thousand fun and interesting facts I learned in the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. But when was the last time you hugged someone for 20 seconds? I hope for your sake it was this morning, or at the latest yesterday, because it feels so damn good. But it wasn’t just the notion of the hug that I took away from this little piece stress cycle wisdom…what do you make of the importance of maintaining your own center of gravity? We have to take care of ourselves first, maintain our own sense of self, and be responsible for our own lives. Only then we can form the deepest and most secure bonds with the people we want to hug.
At dinner on Thursday night, Matthew was complaining about having to learn history before his quiz on Friday…it’s boring, what’s the point he says? Bring on the discussion that what we don’t learn from history we are doomed to repeat, and that isn’t just true in big heavy text books, it’s the same in our relationships and lives on a day to day basis. My baseline motivation for writing has always been to take the journey into my own state of mind and sharpen my self awareness. When I started my blog, it took on the purpose of passing on through story, things that I wanted my kids to know so that they could both understand their innate worth and recognize the patterns of codependency that ran through our family, so that little piece of history doesn’t repeat itself . Through these conversations, we have learned to handle stress and challenge with vulnerability and humor, and while we are still working through a lot of questions and newness, there is an emerging strength that I see in the conversations, the laughter, and the connection we have built.
I see the world in concentric circles now. We start with ourselves and what we have the courage to acknowledge and learn. Then we can embody it and pass on to the people closest to us. From there, we can take it outward into the world. It takes confidence, courage and self love…the themes that I observed as I took inventory of my blog and put them into my book 365 Days of Optimism.
Life as a single mom is stressful. Sometimes it feels lonely, like you will never have someone who truly understands what it feels like to be in this world with these kids you love so much. But in the next moment, it is empowering, and you have never had a better reason to work through every obstacle to reach the next peak. Knowing I have support from people who love me, the tools to complete the stress cycle and live not just in my mind, but step out on that court or onto my mat and live in my body, and belly laugh with the people closest to me, helps me know that it’s all going to be ok, no matter how much newness is coming at me on any given day. Fluid, flexible, and flowing…this is what I’m aiming for. Believe in your ability to adapt and become your own hero. Stand squarely on your own two feet and be the next great 20 second hug that someone needs. Here’s to interdependence, not codependence and many more 20 second hugs with our weight planted firmly on our own two feet.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
Music is another great way of completing the stress cycle…songwriters get it in the best ways. Heard this at the Listening Room in Nashville sung by the writers. What we can’t acknowledge, we can’t heal. Powerful.
One of my favorite things is to wake up to an inspirational text from my friend Chrissy. She is an amazing writer and mom (check out her blog Life with Greyson + Parker) and when we met 10 years ago, we were trying to figure out the ins and outs of having kids on the autism spectrum, even though neither of us actually had diagnosis’s yet for our children. She is one of the best silver lining humans that I know, we are kindred spirit introverts that just get each other. As we went back and forth this morning, waxing philosophical even before we had had our coffee, our words pointed to what I was already writing about this week…our tendency as humans to compare ourselves to one another and the jealousy that it can create. I’ve learned over the last few years that there are so many ways to do life, and once we find the courage, it’s just easier to be ourselves, without apology, than think we need to copy anyone else’s journey.
For me that has meant connecting deeply to the world of sports…a place that has always been an outlet for my nervous energy but also one where I feared that I couldn’t hang. As a younger athlete, I lacked confidence and it became the thing that I most wanted to teach my kids, not just on the court, but in life, so they could find and pursue their passions, whatever those passions may be, and nothing makes me happier than to see them learn to lead doing what they love to do. We all need that place in life. As athletes my older two have had some of the highest highs, like achieving their dreams of playing at the Division 1 level, and also battled through lows like injuries (I think Lauren inherited my weak ankles) and heartbreak, (let’s get this reinstatement taken care of @gostanford), but above all have come through difficult circumstances on and off the court that shape their character and build their resilience in life in a way that makes me so proud. Through my parenting journey, I have seen how much the world of coaching and parenting intersect, and how comparing our lives to anyone else’s, diminishes our potential to make the impact we were meant to make on the world. Even saying you have the desire to make an impact is scary. It brings out the fear of failure and the dreadful feeling of imposter syndrome, that “who am I to" (fill in the blank).
As humans we have a tendency to compare and even be jealous of what other people seem to be or have in their lives when all that does is contract our own unique path. It’s got me thinking about the impact comparison and jealousy have on our happiness and performance, individually and as part of any team. Teams come in many forms…work, families, sports, clubs…anything that has an established culture that we are a part of, for better or for worse. This week I had the privilege to get the feedback from an masterful Championship winning volleyball coach and a 2016 Olympian on how they handle these concepts in their own lives, and on their own teams. I’m so grateful for these conversations and connections, here is what they had to say:
“Everyone on a team has to feel like they are an integral part of the team. People may have different roles on a team/organization, but each individual needs to feel appreciated, they add value to the central mass, and that they have freedom to fulfill their individual role. As the leader, I need to convey to the troops what is the environment that THEY would like to be part of. I then give verbal praise in front of the entire group whenever I see actions of the culture we want. Then almost a competition can develop of who can do the most “positive actions”, because generally people like to be praised! One of the first messages I will say after saying “hello” is that we are not going to have jealousy for one another. If I give praise to someone for positive actions, we are NOT going to talk negatively about the “doer of good deeds”. I ask for each team member to take a symbolic one step forward if they agree to not to be jealous of the doer. Then when I give the first positive comments to someone in front of the group, I will IMMEDIATELY joke and say to the group something like, “hey, we’re not mad at so and so are we?”. At the end of the practice, I ask for players to nominate one another as the “player of the practice” and the players have to be SPECIFIC why they are nominating a teammate (“Suzy reassured me after I mad an error”, “Sally’s servers were on and scored many points”, “Sam had that one incredible dig”. I make a point we want to honor physical plays AND selfless actions as well. This makes the less athletic kids know they can be honored by being selfless teammates. -Tommy Chaffins, Prep Volleyball Coach of Year, Max Preps Coach of Year, Daily Breeze 11x Coach of Year, Redondo Union High School Head Coach (and someone I have seen personally create culture where teenage girls learn to both support each other and compete!)
“I think jealousy is a good teacher. Usually when we feel bouts of jealousy they are signals that someone else has something we would like to have ourself. I think recognizing this before it becomes detrimental to yourself and/or your team is the number one key. Since feeling jealousy reveals those things we wish we could have, it can act as a gateway to walking the path to finding the best version of yourself as a player, teammate, athlete etc. If you feel feelings of jealousy because your teammate is starting and you aren’t, what actionable step can you take to improve your chances of seeing playing time more? Do you need to spend some more time getting extra repetitions at a specific skill? Do you need to spend more time in the weight room building foundational strength? This is just one example of how we can turn feelings of jealousy into positive actions. Another way to look at jealousy is through the scope of building your own internal confidence and high self-worth. Your feelings are ultimately in your control. When we are in an environment where jealousy is at the forefront it’s a signal that there is inner work yet to be done. There is never anything anyone is doing outside of us to make us feel jealous, those feelings are solely felt because of our own perspective of what is going on or what is being conveyed to us. Within a team we want to feel connected, and build trust and have a foundation of confidence from the coaching staff to the training staff to the players. Valuing one another and treating others with respect and full support is the main goal within a team. So those very fragile feelings of jealousy can easily be released if we focus the right kind of energy on them and take actionable steps to rid ourselves of them too. - Carli Lloyd, 2016 Olympian, Professional Indoor Volleyball Player, expecting mom, May 2021, writer of her blog, Show Up With Me - and someone who has the one of the greatest blends of compassion and competitiveness I have ever seen.
We find our purpose when we use our passion to create something unique to us that has an impact on something larger than ourselves. When we connect to our higher self on the most intimate level, our goals become so specific, there is no way to compare them.. Every week that I write, I get closer to making that impact that I want to make: to raise generational consciousness and teach life lessons through sports so we can make our greatest impact and develop deeper empathy for all of the stories of the human condition. My challenge to you this week is to get so clear on the impact that you want to make on this world that you can see who adds beautiful connection and collaboration to your life and that you you would never again dream to compare yourself to anyone else.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Photo credit: Anthony Moore (@amoorephoto_)
Brenda Cash (@brendacashphotography) for the photo in my email if you get my blog updates there;)
And because there is always a song that comes to mind. when I write….
