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I don’t know if it’s 2020 or the stage of life that I have entered, but there hasn’t been a shortage of reality checks in my life this year.  There is a heaviness in my chest that lingers because the most difficult moments haven’t been served directly to me, but so close to my center of gravity that they shake my foundation and leave me with the question: Why them and not me? It’s not a useful question, but it is a human one. From birthdays and sunsets one moment to cancer and car accidents the next, life has a way of being brilliant and then back handing you so fast your head spins. 
If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know I spend a lot of time sorting out the big questions that life asks us if we listen. I look for beauty in the mundane and the joy in the simplicity of life. But I also look for patterns in my actions, in relationships, and choices that I make, it’s a habit that has come naturally to me since I was the quiet kid who preferred to observe from a distance rather than be the center of attention.  I’m thankful for this habit today because I understand in a deeper sense that wisdom is pattern recognition (thanks to this interview with Chip Conley on Finding Mastery back in March) and these patterns are not just something I can learn from but use to reach the next generation.

Nothing teaches us more about life than our own experience if we are willing to wrestle with it, rather than run from it. That comes with learning to befriend our nervous systems and stay in the uncomfortable moments that come to build our resilience. Our stories are full of patterns, and I wonder if we could sit back and observe them, rather than judge them and feel shame, how much easier it would be to learn and change course when we need to.  Some patterns are amazing, like Christmas traditions that light up our homes, make us laugh, and bring us together.  But the ones that keep me thinking are the ones I want to see change, like the generational patterns that come with alcoholism or cynicism that leave us feeling like we aren’t enough.

 What I know today, and I think of it especially when an unexplainable challenge of life hits, is that growth itself is our gift, both to receive and give back to the world. We are blessed to even be able to approach the point in life where we get to ask the bigger questions and choose to move forward in health when we are confronted with the dark side of life. We don’t get to know why our story is what it is to date, but we do get to decide where we go from this moment forward, and I want to honor that privilege with every sunrise, knowing that the only guarantee we have is the present moment and it’s up to us what we are going to make of it. My prayer this holiday season is for these things:

To become the fullest expression of ourselves, we have to come to a point where we don’t compare ourselves to anyone, don’t assign blame, and do our best to maximize what we have been given.  Struggle isn’t something to be ashamed of, it is the depth of our experience that helps us heal, as well as the people we have the courage to share it with. There is not another person on this earth with your unique story.  How cool is that? It’s an invitation to do something big from wherever you are standing today. 

It’s true that what we are afraid to reveal, we cannot heal. When we find the courage to step out of our own shadow, we will find people who will meet us with a “me too” instead of a “how could you”. Pain is universal, but so is the growth that comes from staring down the difficult moments, leaning into the people that care about us, and deciding that we can do things differently and better. Who do you want to be? Ask the question, and then answer it with tiny changes everyday that will help you get there. The key is to remember that we can forgive ourselves and others, and do better with every moment where we choose to show up present and honest.

Here’s to an optimistic and inspiring 2021, no matter what it brings our way. Sending so much love, enjoy the holidays and being together. Thanks for reading and see you in the New Year!

With Love and Optimism,

Wendy

My song this week comes the joy I got from the live Christmas performance I got to see in Utah. The human spirit is elevated by live music…these were my first chills of the Christmas season and for that I am so thankful.

Photo Credit: @brendacashphotography - Brenda just happened to be taking pictures on the cliff on my birthday, captured this gem, and had the kindness to send it to me. Thank you!!

As I look at the pictures I took on my birthday, I feel pride for what my life has created, for the unique perspective I have on the world, for the things that have transformed in me, and the ways I will continue to grow.  The best life is one of constant learning, integrating what serves you, and letting go when it’s time.  Parenting, relationships, control, our bodies…there is a beautiful freedom about not fighting the current of life, but instead leaning into it and letting it float you downstream. This is the process that has taught me to forgive, feel stronger,  take better care of myself, be more and do less, and understand that we are all worthy without having to prove anything to anybody. I feel this freedom when I move, whether it’s playing volleyball, flowing in yoga, swimming laps, or even just walking and letting my mind go.  What I’ve realized about myself is that my executive functioning brain is primed and ready to journal and sort things out on a cognitive level, but my limbic brain holds on to the trauma, the old stories and false truths that I clung to for a long time.  For me, movement is where it’s at. It's my release and reset, where my body can learn to live the fullest expression of my story.  So while I am not chasing youth, I am fully invested in taking care of what I have so that I can move through this life as long as possible. 

This week, as I started my 47th year of life, I started to think about the things that make us wiser instead of older.  When I was playing volleyball the day before my birthday, I made a joke about how I wouldn’t trade my 46 year old body for my 22 year old brain.  But maybe the trick is to learn to integrate and maximize where we can.  So how do we do that?  

1. Sleep - I’ve said it before, it’s the foundation of our success.  It boosts our immune system, helps us store memories and things we learned, promote tissue repair, reduce inflammation, and help us manage our moods and our stress better. Here are some ideas to help you sleep better:

  * Set a consistent sleep and wake time. When we go to sleep and wake up at the same (or close to the same) time every day, our body is able to maintain it’s internal clock, or circadian rhythm.  This makes it easier for us to fall asleep and wake up unassisted. 
 * Seek the morning light & the evening sunset. This is another sleep/wake habit that I practice regularly.  The morning light coaxes your system awake.  Walk outside within minutes of getting out of bed and you will find your mood and energy for the day lifts easily.  Watching the sunset adjusts allows your body to begin processing that bedtime is near. 
 * Skip the blue light at least two hours before bed. Blue light blocks melatonin, the hormone that helps us fall asleep. This is by far the hardest one to stick to for me.  With the presence of our phones and laptops in life, it’s hard to stay away from blue light for two hours before bed.  But if we do, we sleep better and have a better shot at getting ample REM and deep sleep that are key for learning and recovery. 

 * Skip the late night snacks - Intermittent Fasting taught me about how much better I sleep when I don’t have food in my stomach that needs to digest.  If we make our last intake at least three hours before going to bed, our heart rate lowers quicker and we get a sounder nights sleep. 
 * Skip the alcohol - My Oura ring (best sleep tracking device ever!) has taught me what alcohol does to our sleep cycle.  When we drink, our heart rate lowers later in the night, preventing us from getting enough Deep and REM sleep.  We may feel like we fall asleep faster or even “pass out” but the sleep in this state is not restful.
 * Skip the snooze button, or the alarm altogether. I have always hated the alarm clock and the sleep that we get after we hit the snooze button isn’t quality sleep.  Since college, I have left my curtains or shades slightly open so that the morning sunlight will come through and gently wake me. Only if there is a plane to catch at an ungodly hour do I set an alarm.

2. Let go of binary thinking - The older we get, the more we learn that life is not a black and white place.  It takes maturity to let in the shades of gray, to admit that a story has multiple sides. So rather than judging someone is wrong, consider that it’s possible that more than one person is right.  Basically, there is a little truth in a lot of things, so you may as well learn from a different perspective and avoid being the cynic in the room. If you feel threatened by someone’s truth, slow down and ask yourself why.  It’s nearly guaranteed that you don’t know the whole story. When we feel that need to criticize or judge, it’s usually an indication that it’s something we need to work on for ourselves.  You can be honest with yourself without feeling shame, so breathe, listen, trust your instincts, and embrace curiosity instead of fear. 

3. Forget Habits, Embrace Practice - For a long time, I created good habits that would help me create structure and take care of myself and the people I loved.  The short side of this focus though, especially if you have some perfectionist tendencies, is that if you fall short for a day, or a week, or a year, it can be shame inducing.  And nothing drains our energy to push forward more than shame.  Yoga taught me to view my entire life as a practice…to show up ready to grow and flow, and then when I falter, to integrate that wobble, extra movement, or even a fall into my day without letting it define me.  Practice allows us to evolve, improvise, and trust ourselves a little more each day. Then we can make a habit of getting better every day. 

4. Let your expression of wholeness be greater than the sum of your parts.  As I closed out Friday afternoon with a beautiful sunset near the Manhattan Beach Pier taking a volleyball class with six women, I had this thought.  As an athlete, I will always believe in solid fundamentals, and even keep working on them where I stand today, I love the challenge. But my body was struggling to do the little things right, get the deep bend in my knees, not wobble on my feet, set with my legs…when I break the skills down into basics, there are so many things I struggle with because my body is lopsided, stronger on the left than it is on the right because of a age old ankle injury.  But when I trust, and let my instinct take over, my body knows what it can do for itself, blending all of its strength and limitation. And that’s when I can get a one handed dig at the back of the court and get a transition hard angle kill that lands in, right on the line. Learning to trust our instincts helps us have confidence in ourselves. No one is going to do things exactly like you can, and our strengths and vulnerability make up our own sense of what is whole. 

Adding another year to life is about finding YOUR way, with grace, and ease.  Don’t fight it, embrace it with all of it’s imperfection because, as my sweet friend Jeri reminded me this week…hope and fear are two sides of the same coin.  I’m rooting for hope as I start my 47th year on this earth, and I feel it winning with every sunrise. 

Some of the best things that have come out of 2020 are great artists with double album releases - here’s my choice for song of the week this week. Hope you enjoy!

With love & optimism,

Wendy

“I woke up this morning, after a night of restless sleep, with these words in my head. The place we have arrived this holiday season, with restaurants closed, small businesses fighting to keep their doors open, and with no hope of kids going back to school in January is not ok. It’s not ok to waste a year of education on Zoom. It’s not ok for leaders to tell people they have to stay home and then jet off in private planes or dine in the fanciest restaurants. It’s not ok to have random temperature checks be a sign of safety but not let people who healthy lifestyles play recreational sports in open air and live their lives. It’s not ok for the Saints to get fined and lose a draft pick for celebrating their win in the locker room with no masks on when they just played and entire game together with no masks. It’s not ok to keep college students off campuses and away from high level, in person education when they have virtually no risk of dying from COVID. It’s not ok to cut the sports that have been an integral part of building their discipline to this point of their young life.  It’s not ok to give small businesses guidelines, have them invest large amounts of money to keep people “safe” only to shut them down again. It’s not ok for people not to be able to make their own choices about what is too risky for them and their family. We can wear masks, we can social distance, but we need to be able to assess our own risk and make our own choices and let the our own sense of civic duty and compassion inform those decisions. Yes, that sounds like the great unknown, but that’s what life is, every day is a calculated risk, and every human has their own barometer on that. We’ve we’ve been living together for millennia, through droughts, plagues, and natural disasters. The problem is the culture of fear that has been created is turning people against each other rather than instilling a sense of community.

Back in March when this all started, they warned of the hospitals filling up, they brought in the hospital ship down by Long Beach and marked its arrival with a big ominous freeway sign that said there was no access to it, it handled some non-Covid patients, but then where did it go? The last article I can find on it was in August. Cases are rising, but more people are being tested. It’s not ok to just give numbers of positive test cases and not talk about survival rates - under 70 99.6%, over 70 96.4%.

What is keeping me up at night is that I want to live in a place where actions matter and leadership follows the same rules that they make for the people.  We are drowning in a sea of unintended consequences from mental health issues, domestic violence, and so many other unhealthy choices because people are forced away from the lives they have worked for that no government program is going to help save. I’m ready for government to stop trying to just keep me alive and instead let me live.” - My Instagram post from 12/3

I made this post for two reasons: I felt like it needed to be said, and, I was feeling energetically and creatively blocked from holding it all in.

It’s not like me to lament any state of affairs and not be mindful of providing some thought on solutions. But I had obviously far exhausted the appetite for words for most anyone in an Instagram post. So as I hit post, I promised my newly liberated self (man it felt good to get that off my chest) that I would spend some time thinking about ways that we can do better.

We have to move and breathe to release our stories into the world. A month or two back, I wrote a blog on mindful politics because I’ve spent a lot of time learning about how our nervous systems create our reactions to the world. I never knew the activated state that my marriage, the near death experience of my youngest, and so many other stories from my life had me living in day to day. I didn’t understand why, after a lifetime of engaging in political thought and writing letters to the editor, that I had to literally turn off the TV and bough out of the conversation and, until I discovered the breath to movement of yoga, and then learned more about breathing to manage stress, I couldn’t reengage.  As out of control as 2020 has felt, I am grateful that I have a breath and mindfulness practice that will bring me back to the present moment and help me feel safe in my own body. It occurs to me that the more sympathetically activated we get, with all that feels out of our control these days, the more difficult it is for us to listen and relate to each other, and the quicker we are to react and compare.  So, with everything out of our control, the first thing we can do to heal our wounds as a nation starts with ourselves and our own routines. What are you doing to deactivate, learn to respond instead of react, and become a better listener?  Think about it because there is individual and collective healing in your answer. When we’ve lost faith in our leaders, we have to have the skills, confidence, and common sense to come back to ourselves, build connection one conversation at a time, and let that connection radiate from there. That means being able to dialogue with people who have completely different experiences and opinions than our own, and we have to do the work to seek those out. When we find them, we need to assess our state, and settle in to be receptive to the experience.

We do not need to know everything to say something. To be empowered as a nation, we have to empower ourselves.  Life long learning is a key to longevity and I always have my nose in a book, newspaper, or my ears on a new podcast. But something that I have corrected in myself recently is the notion that to say anything in a public space, I needed to know everything...about everything. This idea really hit home listening to this conversation on Finding Mastery. I highly recommend that you listen to the whole thing, but the idea that brought tears to my eyes and made me go deeper was the idea leveraged by NYT best selling author, Shea Serrano (around minute 16) that all of our issues and stories, exist at the same time, in this national narrative.  I have often felt that it wasn’t my turn to speak, because I know that there are things worse than my own experience. I understand deeper, because of this conversation, that my feelings are ones of political imposter syndrome.  If I speak out on the struggles of small business, single motherhood, or autism because those are true to my story, it doesn’t take space away from other vitally important discussions like race or global warming.  It’s abundance mindset meets the political world and we need more understanding on that. It’s incumbent on us to speak our truth, and then listen and let others speak theirs.  Connection is going to be found one by one, group by group, and community by community…don’t shut anyone out, don’t be afraid of their story. Just find calm, settle in, and listen. Maybe if we could all start doing this, we could get Washington and state governments to follow our lead.

Lastly, find gratitude. As I have felt my activation rise over the past week, I take 12-20 minutes and create my own gratitude meditation, but maybe you just want to start with two, that’s ok;) Mine starts with the faces of each of my four kids, then the roof over my head and the floor under my feet, my coffee maker and refrigerator full of food. I envision every good thing in my life, one by one.  It stabilizes and calms my monkey mind and when I open my eyes, I am unstuck.  I’ve said it so many times before, gratitude is a game changer.  

When you spend a lot of time trying to be liked by others you end up losing yourself.  Your story is unique and deserves to be told.  It plays into your relationships, how you carry yourself in the world, and influences the very fabric of our nation. For us to thrive as Americans it is imperative that we cultivate our best intention, inform ourselves by taking in a diversity of stories and opinions, and last but not least, find the courage to speak about our own.  I, for one, am here to listen.  Because these stories inform not just our own consciousness, but that of the next generation, and there is nothing that I want to do more right by, or have more hope for, as we look to close out this challenging year.

No matter what you think about the thousands of different issues that affect our every day lives, these lyrics hit the nail on the head. If it triggers something in you, breathe and sit with it for a minute, and then listen to the podcast that I mentioned above, or this short video that I made on Friday;) There are no sides, there are only stories, and the better we understand all of them, the better off as a world we will be.

With love and optimism,

Wendy 

I write every day, and yet this week, I’ve done a lot more living than writing. Leading up to Thanksgiving, I got a little sideways and pulled away from the present moment taking in too much news and trying to decide what was “right” or “wrong” about going to see my parents. It had been five years since we spent Thanksgiving with them and for a few days it felt like it was going to be another year past. So before the latest round of stay-at-home orders, with negative COVID tests in hand, part of us traveled by plane, masks on, through mostly empty airports, and the rest by car, and all made it safely to see my parents. Barring a positive COVID test, now that I think about it, nothing was going to stop us, but I will admit that 2020 has made me much better at making decisions on the fly…and I’m convinced that we made the right one.

There is nothing that makes you more proud to be a Californian than traveling on our coastline, there is truly nothing like it in this entire world, and Pebble Beach is some extraordinary footage. As always, travel gives me takeaways that I tuck away, things to think about, learn from, and be grateful for. 

So here are my Thanksgiving takeaways from this beautiful trip:

I’ve spent the better part of my life fearing something...not feeling like I was good enough, trying to judge what other people expected of me instead of making my own plan, worried that I would fail, or thinking I was not tough enough to take it when life takes a difficult turn. But leveling up means meeting your own story head on and teaching the next generation with the power of what you have learned. I’ve learned I can be respectful and still have my own opinion, I’ve learned that I am ok if you don’t agree with me even though I hope you will try to understand if our points of view are different.

I ’m grateful that we took the chance and took this trip because I got to fit in what makes me feel most alive, and now we come home to a place where they are trying to take that choice away again. There is social distancing, and there are masks, washing hands, and good common sense, but I’m worried about kids not being in school and what that is doing to their education level for years to come. I’m worried about college kids not being engaged academically, socially, and athletically at at time in their lives when there are so many harmful things pulling on their idle time. I’m worried that the unintended consequences of keeping people locked in their homes are going to have a higher death rate than this virus itself. But most of all, I’m worried about people being so afraid of dying, that they are scared to death to live…because this life can be made into a beautiful place when we choose to live in the moment and meet it with breath, movement, and gratitude. To take one more quote out of Greenlights (one more time, go buy this book) I’m ready, despite what 2020 and LA County have to say about it, to just keep livin’. 

Sending love, optimism, and wellness,

Wendy

At least if we are going to find ourselves at home more this holiday season, there is a new double album from Morgan Wallen. Loved this Release Radar this week -Somebody’s Problem - isn’t life all relative anyway?

I’ve said before in my writing that what we learn in black and white when we are younger helps us process the shades of gray that are inevitable as life goes on. I have been reading Greenlights, the new memoir by Matthew McConaughey this week and I came across a page titled “Conservative early, Liberal late.”  This page, having nothing to do with politics, was full of quotable wisdom. I highly recommend you go out and get this book, read it, and then give it to someone younger than you for Christmas.  But I’m still going to share a few of these golden nuggets with you in case you don’t.

“Create Structure so you can have freedom.”

“Map your direction so you can swerve in the lanes."

“Creativity needs borders. Individuality needs resistance. The earth needs gravity. Without them there is no form. No art. Only chaos.”

Yes! These are the things that are at the heart of the black and white that I was getting at in my own quote. The foundation of a happy life is built on discipline, planning, and consistency and only then can we reap sustainable rewards of spontaneity, freedom, and the ability to carve our own unique path. I often find that the things I think about show up in other people’s stories.  I used to sabotage myself with the “it’s already been said, it’s already been done” mentality, until I started to see the beauty of how the hero's journey plays out on a thousand different stages with many characters and settings…but the themes stay true to the human experience. 

This Thanksgiving week,  my mind is focused on the incredible power of gratitude to change our perspective and mood on just about anything.  This year has been incredibly challenging on a physical, mental, and emotional front for everyone.  I’ve written a lot lately about mental health, especially for our younger generations, in the wake of COVID19. The times are showing us that we need to dig a little deeper and not be frail in the face of the adversity we face.  The question I find myself asking at this point is have we had the training? Do we know how to find our footing? Did we get enough conservative early to earn our liberal late? Toughness is a concept that needs to be modeled, it’s not something that can be preached without action, and in modern day life, with all its bells and whistles, and in California culture, it is easier said that done. Everything, at any age, is relative. If we haven’t been forged by the fire thus far, and then 2020 smacks us in the face, how do we ground ourselves enough to stay present and push through?  Although we need to meet people where they are today, we also need to communicate and model the strength and resilience that is built into being human that only gets sharpened when the going gets tough…that sometimes we have to do what we don’t want to do, and we have to be challenged to understand that we are indeed strong enough to handle it. No one I know is doing that better than Joe…keep inspiring us and getting better, your strength, attitude, toughness and faith are the model of toughness.

2020 has taught me to dig a little deeper and know with even greater certainty that it does take an abundance of presence and pressure (combined with grace) to move goals closer to fruition. I’ve learned to appreciate the beauty of being a “late bloomer”, because I’ve taken my time to learn the truths about myself and the way I see the world in a deep and connected way. At 45, I feel better than when I was 30, because my memory is sharp and my mind, body, and spirit are healthy. I understand how I function, almost down to a cellular level. I’ve been motivated by love to learn about these things, first because I wanted to help Matthew’s cells learn to communicate better, and now because I want to last 105 years to be able to do all the things I want to do and watch the people I love get to do their things too. 

As I watched Matthew drag his board and his long, lanky, self out of the water this morning after a shoeless hike down the cliff and an hour and a half of surfing, I realized that I still have a lot of toughness training to do, to teach him to feed himself with the right things to be both tough enough and more loving on himself, to learn to be a critic so he can see where he needs to grow, and also be his own greatest admirer. I’m still squarely in the parenting arena to teach conservative early…and grateful this Thanksgiving week that I get to experience the taste of liberal late, and optimism always. Happy Thanksgiving, enjoy your families…whether in person or in this crazy virtual experience we are all living, we are connected by our stories, and in the end, they are more alike than different.

* This is the song that came to mind as I wrote this blog…one of these days, I’ll bring something that’s not country, but it may be awhile:)

In my home, I have a dog, two cats, and a turtle…sometimes four kids, right now it’s three, and technically if these times would cooperate with us a little more, I’d be down to two. Half the time it’s no kids and no dog and it gets a whole lot quieter, which for a short time can make for a good recovery session, but I can’t imagine life without them all filling my days.  As far as the animals go, the little cat eats the dog food, the dog eats the cats food, the big cat is after the turtle food (he literally tries to knock it off the shelf to get it open) and most of the time, I  feel sorry for the turtle because it seems lonely to me in his isolated tank.  All of this has taught me more than two things about myself and life, but the two I’m thinking about this morning are that:

I realize that just by making that statement, I will ruffle probably more than a few feathers of people I respect and hold dear. I realize that there are many people who I respect and love who wouldn’t have traveled to Utah last week like I did to attend an outdoor concert and visit old friends, but man, it felt good, healthy, and alive.  The windshield of my life has cracks in it made by substance abuse and suicide and I can’t support an approach that creates secondary trauma like what is described in that survey and what I have witnessed as part of my own experience.  When I was in Utah last week, the Governor came on TV at 9:30PM on Sunday evening with an emergency address, letting citizens know that cases were climbing again and he was mandating masks when you leave your home statewide, and banning large gatherings of any kind.  But what he didn’t do was shut down schools or businesses.  The pandemic is real, but so are the social, emotional, and academic needs of our students if we want to produce a healthy next generation and, right now, from what I experience in my own home, we are not getting our chin above the bar. They are not learning on Zoom what they learn in a classroom. In addition, striving American families (included in that is anyone who needs to work to maintain their standard of living) need to be able to work and create opportunity for themselves and the people who work for them, there is no amount of bailout money from Washington that is going to physically and psychologically support able bodied humans who are used to being in control of their own destiny, even though there is no escaping the short term effects on commerce that this pandemic has and will continue to have.  Beyond that, we have the ability to deliver love and any worldly goods necessary for the people who need to stay home.

We are adaptable. We must have the agency to assess risk and innovate, because having agency over our own lives is an essential component of maintaining our optimism about our road ahead.

It is true, nothing shakes our foundation more than the fragility of life. In many ways we have been forced to confront it this year with the pandemic, I also remember sitting in a very silent space after Matthew’s accident in 2009, and last week I confronted this space again as a dear friend, a young man just outside the circle of my own kids, was in a terrible car accident and is in Texas fighting like a champion and empowering others to do the same with his faithful, strong, and hopeful spirit.  He is teaching others what real bravery looks like in the face of immense and incomprehensible tragedy, and showing us how to walk the road, no matter what it looks like, with faith instead of fear.  His journey reminds me that there are no guarantees in any day, that we have to make the most of every moment, that there is no perfect life, and that judgment of others is a waste of our time and energy because most of us are doing the best we can with what we know.

Being human is a risk in itself, the beauty is that we have

the capability to adapt and handle it. 

I sit here today, perplexed by the state of our country, even though I spend so much time trying to figure it out.  Knowing in my heart how hard I have worked on my own state of mind to not show up timid and fearful of what the world is about to throw at me, and work hard to improve the view out of my own windshield so that I can give my kids a better ride.  It’s becoming more clear to me that the ride doesn’t need to be easy, without any potholes, they just need a sober driver with a love instead of  fear based approach to risk. So I trust my gut and try not to second guess myself, knowing that loving something, whether life itself or the people in it, requires great risk.  My favorite quote this week from one of the books on my bedside table is: 

“ Wellness isn’t a state of being, it’s a state of action.” 

            - Burnout - The Secret of Unlocking the Stress Cycle

I’m fairly certain that the authors wouldn’t agree with a lot of the things I have just written, but I still love their book, and writing is one of the many things I do to complete the stress cycle.  I’m empowered this week to continue on my own journey of wellness, complete with growing kids, confused animals, country music, lots of volleyball, looking out my own windshield, and beating fear with kindness, love, gratitude, and faith…and praying that grace will be extended to me in the places I am wrong.  Joe we are praying and fighting with you all the way for a full recovery.  Stay strong, you are the embodiment of the strength the world needs so much right now.

P.S. - Most every Friday, I listen to my Release Radar on Spotify because I am in awe of artists and songwriters and the chills they bring to me every day. Most weeks there is a song that speaks to me and helps me understand myself and the world a little better.  When I find one, I decided I’m going to start including it here.  Take a listen to these genius lyrics from Eric Church.

Photo Credit: @ralphkaden on Upsplash

I don’t have a coherent story for you this week, because sometimes life just can’t be pulled together to make sense. What I know for certain as I write this is that there is risk in every moment of our lives. It’s the hardest thing about being a parent…worrying about how to keep them safe, or how we keep ourselves safe so we can be here for them. I also know that worry doesn’t change a thing...so we have to learn to breathe, accept, and stay present because the alternative robs us of the very essence of what it means to live. If you are a praying person, or a healing person, or a sending positive vibes kind of soul, please send them to this sweet, funny, charismatic young man, Joe Radanovich.  He’s is in a hospital in Texas after a tragic car accident on Thursday. I believe in miracles and I’m praying for one. He is a dear friend and we love him so much. 

In light of where my heart is this week, I don’t want to talk about the election or the state of the dialogue in our country. But these words were shared with me on election night and I asked her then if I could share them with you, so I’m going to let a 13 year old girl whom I love do it for me: 

“Seeing how we have been calling each other names (on both sides) has really upset me. 60ish years ago there were 3 things people never talked about, money, religion, and politics, and now those 3 topics have been completely normalized especially by the youth.  Why is someone verbally harassed because of who they agree with (from both sides). You can agree and believe whatever you want. This is a free country. But when you are telling someone what they should believe or what they believe is wrong, even putting them down for what they believe in or ending relationships because of different views is just straight up and down wrong. We are human beings. And disagreements are going to happen, and that is healthy, but what this has come down to is truly disgusting.  What the whole entire world has been through this year is unbelievable. And we started off as a team, “in this together”. What happened to that? What happened to helpfulness, love, peace, UNITY! We were united! And that was beautiful! Does anyone miss that? I certainly do.  Please, everyone is nervous. So be kind. Be understanding. And put others before yourself.  Because we are setting the example for the next generation.”  - text message from Allie Taylor, 13 shared with me and sent to her friends on election night

I share this because it sums up coherent intelligence and child like innocence in the best and most real way.  I love how she talks about setting an example for the next generation at the sweet age she is…she’s already a leader. It reminds me that they need to be allowed to grow in safety and love and stay kids for as long as they can. With the way American families struggle, social media, and a 24/7 news cycle the world presents today, it is completely unlike what I experienced in my generation.  Idealism deserves it’s time to settle into the hearts of children before they have to take the seriousness of life and issues on their shoulders the way we carry them as adults. I wasn’t shielded from political discussion growing up, but I certainly wasn’t traumatized by it. Yes, they are influenced by all that is going on around them, but they are smart, they’ll figure it out, we don’t have to force them down one road.  We just have to make them feel safe, and loved, and like nothing about their inherent worth depends on politics.

Like Allie, I’m tired of the way we talk to each other to sell air time and get people to click through. I still have a little of that child like idealism left in me, but find myself needing to turn off the news to hang on to it. Power structures in the world feel like a necessary evil at this point, they feel so broken and distorted. There is more change to be made one on one, with real human connection.  It’s the reason I stop at Starbucks in Hermosa most days after I play volleyball…it’s more for the conversation and connection than for the coffee itself.  Usually, I can find my friend Jason sitting outside, researching and educating himself on the issues of the day and prepping for his next podcast (you should check it out).  He has an intelligent voice that real, raw, and full of life experience. And he’s one of the only people, besides my dad, that I want to talk about the state of the world these days. Besides, where else can you find volleyball and current events in the same place? He makes a thousand friends and he introduced me to a few of them the other day as we chatted by saying:

“she has new school empathy and an old school work ethic.”

Thanks Jason, that was one of the coolest compliments I received in awhile…and I’m going to run with it because all I know to do today is keep caring and keep working so that we can create stories that matter, and inspire the next generation to be better too.

We all have the ability to be the strong ones, the brave ones, the ones who work a little harder and care a little more.  So let’s credit our differences to uniqueness and push to make regular life great, because you never know when your whole world will be changed in an instant.  Love you Joe Rad, praying for healing miracles. 

Most of the people I come across and work with these days are hard charging, type A, goal oriented people who are trying to squeeze the most out of every day. No matter what their role in life, from athletes, to parents and students, they are grinding it out to make the greatest impact in their jobs and lives. But what most of us don’t realize, or can just be a hard pill to swallow, is that as high performers, we are being asked to conquer the recovery process too so that we can keep doing what we do for longer, with greater success, more fulfillment, and better relationships with people that add much needed human connection in our lives. It’s all possible because when we honor our minds and bodies with the care they need, we are more productive, connected, and find more flow in our days than when we fill every moment with work.

Sometimes for high perfomers, recovery is the work, and we need to give ourselves the permission to do it. 

I’ve been called  Zen Mom, a graceful *ss kicker, and I wish I had a dollar for every time someone asked me how I stay so calm. What I know is that my calm used to be a veil and a management tool that luckily led me down the path of asking the big questions about how to make it real and heal from past traumas, instead of burying my feelings which leads to more discomfort and usually down a path to addiction that makes our lives more out of control.  It was from this place of pain, striving, and discontentment that my intuition led me to a yoga mat, a practice I must have tried five times between the ages of 30-40 that I just couldn’t get to stick. I had all but figured it wasn’t for me and then at my lowest point I found the magic of breath to movement and it set off regeneration in me that led to me to dive deeper into the why of active recovery practices that enhance healing and high performing lifestyles. Yoga and breath work healed in big and small ways, like removing that tiny pebble in your shoe that you can walk with but is causing constant discomfort.  I’ve heard it said that living with unresolved trauma is like holding a brick in one hand and trying to do all the heavy lifting yourself, credit to @intrinsicway for this beautiful analogy, because this was definitely true for me. But these realizations have helped me uncover knowledge and helped me create a beautiful healing community that weaves it’s way through my days, shows me a safe space to learn more about myself and help others do the same. These healing elements, both internal and external that are available to us, help us learn how to down regulate and befriend our nervous systems. And guess what? All of this “chilling” makes us happier, more efficient and productive than if we put our heads down and try to work straight through.

When grace becomes a part of high performance, we are far less likely to succumb to overwhelm, exhaustion, and burn out, and learn to reframe perfectionism when it rears its ugly head.

Intuitively, I have always known this, it’s what makes me rise early in the morning to get that slice of quiet before the noise starts trickling in. But learning the science behind recovery is what makes me feel healthier at 45 than I did in my 30’s. It motivates me to focus on my sleep, hydration, movement, and nutrition because of how these things relate to my creativity, and connection with others. When I was younger, I didn’t know how to be kind to myself and the answer to find calm evaded me as I keep trying to do more to please others and ended most days exhausted and yet knowing deep down I was missing something that couldn’t until I learned to balance my nervous system with rest and recovery.

As I press forward into the world of high performance, I continue to learn about the multifaceted ways recovery brings calm to our systems and connection to our relationships because we are in a state to sit comfortably in our own bodies and listen and offer insight, instead of being distracted by what is ahead or behind us.  Just discovering the magic of presence is curative in itself.

My piqued interest in the recovery and self care process helped me find a new book called Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle.  Did you know that positive social interaction is one of the easiest ways to signal to our brain that the world is a safe place.  Pre-pandemic, when there were many situations that offered us interaction with others, I didn’t fully appreciate how much I got from my short conversations with the barista at Starbucks.  These days, my visit there has turned into an almost daily habit, just because I find the little bits of connection so rewarding . If you find yourself moving a little closer to burnout and causal conversation isn’t delivering some relief for you, the next step is deep connection with someone you value or love. Did you know that, according to psychological researcher John Gottman, a six second kiss with your significant other will signal safety and help complete the stress response in your body?  As will a 20 second hug when each person has their weight over their own center of gravity.  At the height of a world experiencing a pandemic, it’s important for us to know how important we are to each others health, yes in keeping our distance when necessary, but also in our deepest forms of connection. From the benefits of daily movement, the power of a good deep breath, a solid sleep routine, music, belly laughter, and conversation and affection with the people we love, we have to remember that recovery takes discipline. It’s the greatest form of self love that will save us from ourselves and make us lifelong high achievers on any stage.

One of the greatest gifts of my adult life has been the women who have met me at any time of the morning to workout.  Whether swimming, running, yoga, pilates, or beach volleyball, and starting as early as 4:30am (shoutout to the early morning Fresno crew), the gratitude I have for these friendships brings tears to my eyes most mornings I am headed out to play.  At this stage of life, the sport is secondary to the common experiences and the clarity and realness that come as we harness our endorphins to solve all of the world’s problems from parenting to politics and everything in between. 

Recently I wrote about perfectionism, and how it can rest so heavily on our shoulders. It’s hold on us keeps us from our most impactful, joyful, and connected life.  But did you know that one of the best prescriptions to combat perfectionism is our willingness to go out and play?  As we get older, it’s easy to think that play is a thing of the past that we don’t have time for in our adult lives, but living in a constant state of doing instead of giving ourselves the time to just be free, is a recipe for burnout and with the daily stresses and changes in my life, I don’t know where I would be without the nearly daily check in’s with friends that go along with movement. These adult sporting experiences from volleyball tournaments to Master’s swim meets have been my playground, a place to learn about myself, release the hold on expectation and find that blissful place of striving contentment. I relate certain runs to certain worries, like when I started to worry about Matthew’s development when things seemed off when he was approaching two,  or swim practices to the little bits of wisdom I’d pick up on the deck after I cleared my mind with 3000 yards, and the bonds of friendship that were created when locker room chats carried over to Starbucks runs when a topic couldn’t be exhausted in the time it took us to get dressed.  My early morning workout habits on most days help me to put my worries to rest at night knowing that the answers will come with whatever activity the morning brings…and I’m so thankful that I have rarely had to go it alone.

When my kids were little, I couldn’t wait for the days they could sign up and play something, and I knew they were accustomed to it because they had been helping me make my workout happen since they were in baby carriers. Whether that was putting up with being dropped into “kids club” at the gym, to Lauren sitting in my bed many early mornings watching Horton Hears A Who with Matthew while I swam. It takes a village to make it all happen and as long as kids feel safe and supported, they are always able to contribute. Bottom line, my growth, and arguably my mental strength has come from my daily workout routine since before any of my kids were born. And, since our wisdom comes from the experience of what we know, over the years my activities became the natural go to’s as my kids got to the age to be able to join up and do things.  Since I was a swimmer, my kids were thrown into swim team.  And after that, volleyball…and I loved every minute of it, seven years never passed so quickly.  I never wished as I was standing on the pool deck or the sidelines of a volleyball court that  the event would finish up so we could do something else, there was truly no place I’d rather be, no matter what mess I had to come home to after a day of watching them. I saw sports as the way to teach them the big lessons about life like they have done for me. 

So what happened when one of them wanted to quit?

As it has been for all of us, 2020 has asked for some big shifts in thinking and doing.  Besides the time that we couldn’t play volleyball on the beach or swim in the ocean, I never knew it was the last time I would watch Luke play a high school or club volleyball match, that the one and only trip I took to Texas would be the only play time I would see of Lauren’s freshman year.  But the most interesting conversation and growth exercise for me as a parent was to let go and have February 2020 be the last club volleyball tournament I would watch Kate play. After the thoughts danced in my head of her talent, the way I believe in endorphins, and the awesome coaches that she would have a chance to be shaped by if she kept playing it, it all paled in comparison to the bravery and self awareness she demonstrated in communicating how she felt with me. 

Sometimes we get so entangled in what we thought life was going to be, we lose out on the magic of what is developing right in front of our eyes.

And then as I watched her talent project through the Zoom screen production of Emma two weeks ago, I understood once again that the real work doesn’t always happen on the court…she has found her flow on the stage.  

The joy of being a parent happens when we come to understand that we are a conduit for their success and that the best things happens when we focus on getting our own wiring right and worry less about theirs.  There is more wisdom gained by the experiences we share together than the words we speak at them.  When they know what we are about, they find the confidence to discover their own path. So as I traced my path this week between what has been lost to what has been found, I collected these thoughts…

 - We help them find their uniqueness by honoring our own, we are not like anyone else, and we don’t want them to be either. There are so many ways to be successful. If we have had a hand in helping them find their voice, how can we be upset or disappointed or upset with them with they use it. That expression is what turns passion into purpose…and knowing our purpose is the key to passing on knowledge, not just saving the best moments for ourselves. 

 - Teach them to Be Adaptable.  I discovered later in life that more than anything else, adaptability is my key to confidence. When we expect things to be a certain way, and then the inevitable changes in life spring up, whether it’s something as devastating as a death or divorce, being cut from a team, not getting the part, or being rejected by a friend, having the skills to adapt to the new normal is what drives us toward growth and away from the path of denial and addiction that causes us to falter.  

 - Help them learn that they are just one thought away from a totally different experience. Do you know how to flip your script?  If we can’t recognize negative thought patterns and self sabotage for what they are, and can’t come up with the thoughts and actions to change our way of thinking, how can we teach them to do the same? Teach them that little annoying voice in your head is normal, and then show them how to kick it to the curb. 

- Honor Flexibility. The only way to teach them to be flexible is for you to be flexible yourself.  As parents, can we make small concessions, with firm boundaries that build connection with our kids? It’s why I haven’t taken away Matthew’s video games - as long as the school work is handled and he gets out to surf or move. Sometimes I even play with him, he gets a kick out of how bad I am, we laugh really hard, and it’s the social capital that his future trust in me is built on. Besides, I have come to believe that anything that is controlling and rigid usually ends ends up broken and that life is beautiful when we learn to sit in the moments and just be with them instead of always looking for their marks of forward progress. 

One last story, I was helping Matthew with a book report the other night, and he had to list our six qualities of the main character. Tall, loyal, intelligent, a good friend…he started to rattle off about Max, the main character in Freak The Mighty (highly recommend!). I froze for a minute, the whole story was that Max was the big kid that struggles in school and his friend was Freak, a tiny intelligent kid with a physical disability. I hesitated and then asked him “ Wait, Max is intelligent? Or are you thinking of Freak?”

“No. Max, is intelligent,” he said.

“He just struggles in school…like me.”

Parenting continues to give me the greatest gifts. Life is hard, and the younger I can help them discover what they like best about themselves and the world and that the thing they love most will be the easiest thing they can work hard at, I can sleep easy and move on to the next great lesson they are going to teach me. And as long as Kate isn’t telling me that I can’t play volleyball anymore, we will never have any problem;)

Up next, RUHS’s production of CLUE starring Kate Turner as Mrs. White, Dec 4-6… and I can’t wait to watch.

If you are looking for ways to create calm and connection in your home and relationship with your child or teenager reach out here…I can help:)

I’ve had a lot of conversations with young people lately, most of them NCAA student-athletes and, as I edit this to publish tomorrow, the news that three more sports have been dropped at Fresno State puts a lump in my throat because another group of student-athletes has to answer the question of what to do next after spending years honing their craft. Beyond the students that have lost the ability to play their sport at the NCAA level, the rest of the athletes, have had their lives altered in intense ways since March 2020. I will be forever grateful for the family time that bolstered our spirits and deepened our connections with each other when COVID first hit, but I am increasingly worried about the toll that social isolation has had on a young, vital, otherwise healthy population on and around college campus’s.  These kids hold the keys to the future of our country and they are struggling, socially and emotionally, as they are left to grapple with new living and learning environments and separated from family and friends that would be their usual means of support.  They overthink every contact…should I go out and get food, can I go with this person, where can I sit, who can I sit with?   In most cases isolation is the answer…they can’t offer a ride to someone who needs one or go sit in a dorm room, spill their feelings and listen as their friend does the same.   In some cases for these athletes, certain people, who may offer little to no social/emotional support have been placed in “their bubble”, while friends that they have a history of support from are off limits. There is an air of policing and fear at a time when anxieties are already at an all time high. Will close contact lead them to another round of isolation, something that became more unbearable after they have experienced it before and every round of testing or contact tracing becomes more tense.  College campus’s in particular have the potential to be hubs of young, healthy energy, filled with optimism, but we are letting the air out of that bubble, until it is deflated and flat, with students left to wonder, which action to take, which choice matters, and staring back at blank faces over Zoom screens all day. 

Why are we asking them to live like this when they aren’t at risk of dying and living in communities with populations that are young and healthy like themselves?  Why are we inflicting more mental tension and less supportive connection in a time when they are meant to be growing and learning to thrive away from their families? College is a time we learn new ways of thinking based on a closeness with people who come from different cultures and homes than our own. It’s a time when all of the hard work that we have done pays off in the form of freedom, playing time, and new connections with the world.  But the current environment is placing another layer of stress and strain on an already taxed and evolving mental and emotional state.  It feels like we are protecting power structures, not people.  The rules are so arbitrary that a student could spend weeks without the support of his best friends and then contract COVID when he walks into a restaurant to order a taco. 

When I sent my first child off to college, and remembering my own college experience, I was very aware of the risks

Suicide = second leading cause of death among college students

Depression = second most common concern for college students seeking help on campus in 2019

Anxiety = most common concern for college students seeking help on campus in 2019

Alcohol Abuse - 1 out of 3 college students engaged in binge drinking in the last month. Approximately 1825 students die every year from alcohol and alcohol related accidents, not to mention the number of assaults and sexual assaults that are alcohol related. 

Prescription drug abuse - According to an Ohio State study, 67.5% of college students got high on prescription drugs

The risks of contracting COVID and being placed in a life threatening situation because of that pale in comparison to these statistics and yet the likelihood of this statistics getting even worse increases in the current environment.

When this all started back in March, we didn’t have  a lot of information, we didn’t know who was most vulnerable, and how the virus presented in different segments of the population. We had to distance ourselves and do what we needed to do to learn, gather information, and see how this terrible virus affected all of us.  Now we know that people under age 65 have very small risks of death. It’s not a matter of one person being more valuable than another, it’s the reality that a one size fits all policy, when also considering the mental health effects of isolation is not responsible. The mental health implications of these prevention guidelines for populations that are not statistically at high risk of death are far greater than them contracting COVID.  They are young and strong, and robbing them of the healthy healing and coping mechanisms of connection with people their age - even with a mask on -  is shortsighted.  There are effects that we as a society will be paying for for a long time. 

Here are some sentiments of college kids, away at school, that have come my way.  They are full of honest struggle, real growth, and lessons that they will carry with them as young adults that have come through this difficult time. They’re not all doom and gloom, but they give us a sense for how they are struggling and a signal for where we need to focus. Each one of these young adults made it clear to me that they weren’t complaining, just sharing their honest insight about how they felt.  These quotes come from students all over the country:

While I understand and acknowledge that protections against COVID will need to continue, I am advocating that we put our fear in perspective and protect against the rise of the dangerous effects of the other risks created by the virus in the mental health arena for this promising population.  I started thinking about ways to make things better under the current circumstances:

  1. Create solid mindfulness and breath work training and routines within teams that are as mandatory as lifting weights and practice.

  2. Introduce sleep deprived student athletes to yoga nidra, the benefits of one 30 minute session are equal to four hours of deep sleep.

  3. If teams need to be split into smaller groups for training and socializing, allow teammates to offer their input to coaches to insure that each person has at least one solid trusted bond with the people in their bubble.  

  4. Coaches, encourage your captains and players to lead by showing your own vulnerability.  Tell them what you are struggling with, whether its health related fears, fears for the sport or season, or your athlete’s health. Let them know that you are in this together and not just a rule enforcer waiting for them to step out of line. The more open the communication, the safer your athletes will feel to open up and support each other. You want them to play free, not stressed about whether or not they have a virus that is not likely to be worse that the flu for them. 

  5. Coaches, reinforce the importance of recovery for them and lead by example. Most often the case with college athletes is that they have arrived where they are with a lot of hard work and effort. Unfortunately this also comes with a natural tendency to be very hard on themselves. With sleep, hydration, mindfulness…basically permission to slow down, their brains and bodies will learn to adapt to stress in a healthier way and their immune systems will get a much needed boost as well.

I’d love to hear your ideas. I am part of the caring collective, but at this point I’m more afraid for this population’s mental health, and the potential for other addictions that spike when we aren’t our strongest, than them dying of COVID. I have aging parents, know people who have lost loved ones, and still, I am deeply concerned for this generation that I have had the privilege to parent and form meaningful relationships with. The young adults I know have worked hard to get to where they are today, but don’t have the perspective of 40+ years .  Trauma is real, big T or little t, and isolation and losing out on what you have worked the hardest to achieve is traumatizing.  COVID has an incredibly high cost, but it’s not just a question of life and death, it’s about life and where we go from here, lead by compassion for all of the challenges we face. As we learn more about the virus, we need to balance all risk factors as we navigate the road ahead. No matter how good it feels to win a match or a championship, or secure a scholarship, the sports we love are a journey to self awareness that can last a lifetime. As unforeseen as these times we have experienced since March have been for all of us, the silver lining is the growth that is always waiting to be born out of life’s most complicated situations if we can learn to master the art of the simple in the midst of the complex.

Authentic connection. It’s part of a healing process and what I am most passionate about in life.  I feel it when it happens, deep in my chest, in long conversations with relationships in my life, or casual encounters at Starbucks. The magic is found when we have the presence of mind to connect to the moment that lays out in front of us. If we are on our phone or thinking about what we need to do next, half in on one conversation elsewhere or in our head, and half in on the physical encounter in front of us, we miss the magic of connecting to either moment, and what was offered to make our life richer is lost. The more of those moments we lose, the greater the chance we will wind up asking ourselves one day

“What did it all mean?”

and man, if there is one thing I want to know, it’s the answer to that question.

Eye contact, our tone of voice, and the meaning behind the simplest words have value that etch wisdom deep into our consciousness if we allow them too.  Do we mean it when we say “have a great day” to someone?  Do we really want to hear the answer when we ask “how was your day?” They seem like generic questions, but when I ask them, my intention is there, I actually am dying to hear your long answer if you want to slow down enough to tell me.  I have figured out that this is one of the greatest points of beauty in my life, and day by day I learn not to take it for granted, feel guilty about taking the time, or rush on to the next thing. To be in a place in life where I can move consciously with intention, care for myself and my kids, and be there for someone who needs an ear or a hand to hold is a gift. 

As an optimist, I believe that the there are always good things coming, and optimism is the fuel that turns these beliefs into reality. I know that my long term well being will be taken care of through the stories that I create, the connections I make, and the things I learn that come with the gift of staying present.  As I write and connect with people in this world, I feel my flow through the stories of how we learn about ourselves through the lens of our honest experiences and they are beautiful.  These conversations have power because they give us a chance to speak our minds, solidify what we believe, know that we are not alone, learn new things to increase our awareness and perspective, and bridge the gap between generations. It’s a bold move to let someone see you and your struggle, but it is the key to choosing connected freedom over isolation. Every time I have one of these conversations, I am reminded that not one of us was meant to take this road alone and that the real perfect story is laced with triumph and joy, and fear, rejection, and struggle.  It’s never the ‘thing’ that life hands us, but what we turn it into by feeling our way through it.

When I started the Optimists Journal, I knew I was on a quest to tell stories to the generations that come after me. Although learning happens when we decide we are ready, my greatest hope is to inspire self awareness so that young people learn the power of their story, and how to honor it and share it with the world.  In the last few weeks, I have been blessed with the most inspiring conversations with young minds on the path.  It has given me hope and proven my theory that when you put your intentions and words out, the universe hears you and speaks back.  Their stories have reinforced my belief that pain comes to us with a purpose, no one escapes this life without periods of deep personal struggle, but they have also reassured me that joy is a catalyst for life’s greatest moments.  Whether it’s staying up until 3am talking philosophy with your new roommates, learning the happiness that is created in making a meal and sharing it with your people, or appreciating the opportunities and moments of glory that sports give us after the hard work is put forth, these are the high points from people half my age that both take me back and tell me that life ahead is not as dismal as the nightly news or the latest debate may make it seem. These conversations are live drills, they are the proof that what I feel deep within my own experience, and read about in books is going on in other human life. What are you doing to connect with life this week?  What struggle can you make peace with?  Let’s talk.  The beauty of connection is waiting in every moment. 

For at least 20 years, I have wished there was an eighth day of the week. A space in time that the outside world didn’t know about; a time to rest, play catch up, strategize, and invite in only what I wanted to. But with a little life and learning, my desire for the eighth day has turned into awareness that that eighth day is never coming so a better goal is to make the seven real days feel the way we want them to feel.

So what stops us?  Mindset mostly. Finding that sweet spot between mastering the simple amidst the complex, understanding ourselves and then having the courage to be her, playing on our strengths, and that quest for lifelong learning, are the things that have gotten me closer to let my insides match my outsides and create the days that I want to have. But there is one thing that I know now has stopped me in my tracks - perfectionism. This feeling that we can get it all right, please all people, achieve all the things we want to and still put a healthy dinner on the table every night is something that so many of us wrestle with. It’s presence in my life is something that has affected too much for too long. The idea of perfect is good at setting roadblocks to progress that exhaust us as we try to navigate around them. All of my life, I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but it was always there bubbling under the surface and tiring me out. There was always a place I needed to steel away to recharge my perfection seeking system, to be alone so I could manage the pressure that I was letting into my life. That pressure can feel so real that it seems to dictate what we are “supposed to do” and if you follow it, instead of the instinct of your own heart, you end up so far out of alignment you don’t even recognize yourself anymore. The irony of perfectionism is that it keeps you from the moments of joy that are as close to perfect as life ever gets. Perfect only exists in tiny slivers …the moment a baby is born, the first light that comes over the horizon in the morning, the hug that comes at just the exact time that you needed it without having to ask.  I’m sure you can add your own examples to this list if you slow down long enough to think about it, but life will forever lace these perfect moments with periods of struggle and challenge (hello 2020!) that are there to strengthen us and give us enough perspective to recognize what we value, what is worth working for in this life, and what is best left undone or unsaid. In breaking free from this perfectionist tendency of mine, here are a few things that have helped me free my mind and energy to create, love myself and others with compassion, and move more freely through my days:

  1. STOP CARING OR TRYING TO GUESS WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK - as the old saying goes, “what other people think about me is none of my business.” The better question to explore is what do I think about me? Finding purpose and meaning in life doesn’t happen without making mistakes, failing, and falling down. We will never have the courage to do any of those things if we are worried about how things look to other people who, in truth, are more busy managing their own imperfect lives than worrying about what is going on with you. Think and act with intention, but by all means, it’s your life, cut the excuses and do what you want to do.

  2. STOP COMPARING. - yes, it has been said, “comparison is the thief of joy” and whoever came up with that quote I would guess worked through their own perfectionist complex. Stay in your own lane. The voice in your head is your fiercest competition. We can waste so much energy trying to keep up and compare when our time is better spent figuring out and then honoring our uniqueness. My life isn’t supposed to look like anyone else’s. There is such deep peace in believing that we are the masters of our own path and that our way of doing things is unique to ourselves and exactly what will highlight what is special about us in a world that is begging to see it. I don’t care if you look different, talk different, believe different, or act different thatn me, real connection happens when you learn to be yourself and nothing beat the freedom you feel when you start to string together those moments of alignment.

  3. Learn to Let Yourself Off The Hook - this life is here for us to encounter and enjoy. Enjoy what is, instead of focusing on what it should be, or some greater expectation that you have invented in your head. If there is a roof over your head, or a hot cup of coffee in the morning, there is something to be grateful for and deep contentment will grow from the seeds of gratitude if we allow it to. Letting yourself off the hook looks like deep recovery, down time, delegating, and quieting the voices in our head to do what we we want to do.

Newsflash, that eighth day of the week isn’t coming. The present is all we have. What are you going to do this week to be kinder to yourself, and enjoy the moments that flow naturally into your life? We can face imperfect reality with grace and inspire others to do the same. Give yourself a safe place to land, slow down, recover, drop the exceptions and just be…you’ll find out that feeling is as close to perfect as life is ever going to get.

I’m following my own advice and taking a few weeks off from my Sunday Blog for my own rest and recovery project. I will continue with daily microblogs over at Everyday Optimism, click here if you want to subscribe to daily micro doses of optimism to strengthen your mindset and find the beauty in the joy and the challenge of life. Or If you want to take some time to listen…here is a great conversation I had with Jason Dibilius last week on The Option podcast. We covered a lot, but you can always listen in that downtime you are going to give yourself:)

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