When the last ball dropped I didn’t cry. Sitting in the BYU Fieldhouse, I felt the emotions and understood the tears and the angst of the athletes on the deepest level, but something in me knew that it wasn’t over. I guess that’s my optimism swimming for the surface. It’s done it over and over again in my life, but as we all know, it’s one thing for life to mess with us, but it’s another feeling when it comes after our kids.
I’ve had the chills consistently since last Tuesday when Stanford announced that it would reinstate all 11 Varsity sports that were cut amidst the pandemic.
At the time of the cuts, it was the only thing where I couldn’t find a silver lining. Even when the senior season of 2020 was lost, and everything was closed, the thought that all of this would come back together at some point and the teammates who lost the time competing together would get to look at each other across the net at the next level soothed that feeling of lose, so the idea of that not happening after years of hard work was unfathomable. But in a massive reversal last Tuesday, the sentiment that it couldn’t be done was tossed out the window, and 240 deserving athletes got their training ground back and, with that, the silver linings began to emerge.
I’ve spent the week reflecting and talking with people involved in the monumental effort to reinstate these sports. Being a part of an effort on the smallest level that kept the faith, but more than that put in the work (for many it was the equivalent of adding another full time job on top of the one they already had) to make reinstatement a possibility was a rewarding life lesson on the deepest level. Relationships were built through adversity and friendships were forged through mutual understanding of what was at stake and almost lost.
One of my favorite conversations this past week was with Jeremy Jacobs, Stanford volleyball alum who spent countless hours, on top of a full time job, and a family with two young children. When the Volleyball Magazine pictures emerged after the BYU game, he cried in his kitchen, with his wife, who was the team manager when he played at Stanford. Real families have emerged from this storied program and inspired his fight…I got a strong sense in our conversation that we wouldn’t be where we are today without him. Our conversation had the quality of the angsty athlete, the one that always feels like there is more they can do, that slightly dissatisfied feeling that keeps us moving forward in life. He wanted to give back to the program in a way that he said he felt didn’t manifest on the court during his playing days. While I’m sure that he is being harder on himself than history or Coach Kosty would remember, what a blessing for this program that his grit inspired the hours of work necessary to stand where we are today.
It occurred to me during our conversation that maturity is wanting to do something greater for the next generation than you were able to do for yourself at a earlier stage of life and awareness.
It’s using the gifts and lessons that we didn’t even know we were acquiring at the time and letting them serve the next generation because we had our eyes open and the courage to build our own self awareness.
Although so many advised against it, optimism kept me believing that we could battle a giant and win. When the door was cracked open by the administration at Stanford, 36 Strong was there to inch their way through, having put in the work to deliver a plan that serves not only the athletes and programs, but sustains the training ground for life and the stories and relationships that come out of them. In the end, that is the real win. Playing days are something to be cherished, and while bodies in motion at the highest levels of the game are always something that are awe inspiring for me, it’s the qualities and experiences that become part of who we are on a mental and even spiritual level that make these athletes the people they were born to be.
I had the chance to talk with Olympic volleyball great Reid Priddy the day that the reinstatement news broke so inquired about what he thought the news meant to the game:
“I was recently asked if volleyball was as big when I was young as it is now and the simple answer is no. Through the years of being in this sport, it seems there is a close correlation between the amount of opportunity at the collegiate level with the growing demand at the junior level. In other words, the more college programs there are, the more the game grows beneath it at the junior level. So the threat of losing one program (albeit a cornerstone program like Stanford), has a ripple effect at the junior level that is hard to quantify but anecdotally seems quite significant. Seeing Stanford reinstate the program not only directly helps those that are associated with Stanford but maybe even more coaches, athletes and clubs at the junior level.” - Reid Priddy
Thank you for taking in new information and recognizing the need to change Stanford. The ability to listen and change our minds when we learn something new is a sign of incredible strength. Let’s go forward together and fulfill not just the athletic vision that was given new life on Tuesday, but all of the amazing plans that Stanford has in it’s sight. Optimists know that we are stronger together, that we lose 100% of the battles we choose not to fight, and that we all have so much more in common than the things that set us apart, especially when given the opportunity to align with our passion. Thank you to everyone who worked tirelessly, with our team lead by a charge of a mom who just wanted our guys to have the experience her son had, to keep Stanford the place that my son remembered from some of his earliest memories. There is a story behind every single one of these 240, and I’m so thankful that they get to keep telling them.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
Because it’s Sunday…the lyrics that reminded me
“Everyone needs a hug.” - David Smith - Olympic Gold Medalist, Cancer Survivor and paraplegic
Today I don’t think any words could be more true. Did you know that a twenty second hug with your weight over your own center of gravity is one of the human connections that completes the stress cycle? This was one of a thousand fun and interesting facts I learned in the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. But when was the last time you hugged someone for 20 seconds? I hope for your sake it was this morning, or at the latest yesterday, because it feels so damn good. But it wasn’t just the notion of the hug that I took away from this little piece stress cycle wisdom…what do you make of the importance of maintaining your own center of gravity? We have to take care of ourselves first, maintain our own sense of self, and be responsible for our own lives. Only then we can form the deepest and most secure bonds with the people we want to hug.
At dinner on Thursday night, Matthew was complaining about having to learn history before his quiz on Friday…it’s boring, what’s the point he says? Bring on the discussion that what we don’t learn from history we are doomed to repeat, and that isn’t just true in big heavy text books, it’s the same in our relationships and lives on a day to day basis. My baseline motivation for writing has always been to take the journey into my own state of mind and sharpen my self awareness. When I started my blog, it took on the purpose of passing on through story, things that I wanted my kids to know so that they could both understand their innate worth and recognize the patterns of codependency that ran through our family, so that little piece of history doesn’t repeat itself . Through these conversations, we have learned to handle stress and challenge with vulnerability and humor, and while we are still working through a lot of questions and newness, there is an emerging strength that I see in the conversations, the laughter, and the connection we have built.
I see the world in concentric circles now. We start with ourselves and what we have the courage to acknowledge and learn. Then we can embody it and pass on to the people closest to us. From there, we can take it outward into the world. It takes confidence, courage and self love…the themes that I observed as I took inventory of my blog and put them into my book 365 Days of Optimism.
Life as a single mom is stressful. Sometimes it feels lonely, like you will never have someone who truly understands what it feels like to be in this world with these kids you love so much. But in the next moment, it is empowering, and you have never had a better reason to work through every obstacle to reach the next peak. Knowing I have support from people who love me, the tools to complete the stress cycle and live not just in my mind, but step out on that court or onto my mat and live in my body, and belly laugh with the people closest to me, helps me know that it’s all going to be ok, no matter how much newness is coming at me on any given day. Fluid, flexible, and flowing…this is what I’m aiming for. Believe in your ability to adapt and become your own hero. Stand squarely on your own two feet and be the next great 20 second hug that someone needs. Here’s to interdependence, not codependence and many more 20 second hugs with our weight planted firmly on our own two feet.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
Music is another great way of completing the stress cycle…songwriters get it in the best ways. Heard this at the Listening Room in Nashville sung by the writers. What we can’t acknowledge, we can’t heal. Powerful.
It just so happens this year that we get to celebrate Matthew’s birthday and Mothers Day on the same weekend. In honesty, birthdays bring up a certain nostalgia and sadness that I have to acknowledge, but the cool thing is, as quickly as I have learned to recognize that feeling and admit it’s there, it disappears and I’m left with gratitude for everything there is to celebrate. This past year has reinforced the fact that there isn’t one way to be happy, or that we need to buy into the expectation of what life or a certain day was meant to look like. If the last year has taught me anything, it’s that having health and the ability to move freely around our world and make decisions for ourselves is a gift in itself, and the way to honor that is to live honestly in the moment, even if it has some times of discomfort or looks different than we thought it would.
The truth is, life is never about the expectation of one day and how it is supposed to look. It’s the culmination of a million moments and how we choose to show up in them, and the relationships and experiences we create because of the way we most often express ourselves. It’s learning how to work through fear, trauma, and insecurity to uncover a stronger, more resilient version of ourselves. It’s looking for the reason to be grateful in every situation. We aren’t going to get every moment right, there are going to be times of lost patience, faltered perseverance, and doubt…but if we don’t give up and have the courage to be honest with ourselves and admit and learn from our mistakes, what once we thought was a misstep turns into the journey down our greatest path.
When I think back, I am reminded of all that I haven’t known over the years… like what to do when Matthew wasn’t talking or moving like the other kids did at that age, or who to call or tell that I was scared in those moments. Usually it came out in those predawn runs with my girlfriends in our old neighborhood. He will be fine they would reassure me…and I would take the next step, call the doctor or next therapeutic intervention to make sure that they were right. The irony of life is that the wiser we become, the more we realize we don’t know. Once we realize this, not knowing doesn’t have to be a source of insecurity, but rather a confidence booster because we know we have the ability to adapt to whatever is ahead of us.
Last night, I sat in a quiet house, exhausted from too many nights of less than ideal sleep because of all the not knowing and newness that is stirring in my brain. Thank God that hot yoga has come back in full force…I can feel the calm grounded feeling starting to set in after just a few days in a row. New projects, new beginnings, and another year where no matter what has happened, nothing has taken away the greatest experience my life has ever known…being a mom to this amazing 14 year old boy and the incredible siblings that came before him that have modeled love, compassion, and resilience in a way I never could have imagined. Real living is going to toss us around and ask us if we know which way is up…stay with it, don’t fight it, surrender to what is instead of what you thought it had to be, because when we do, that’s when the beauty appears.
Happy Birthday Matthew, thanks for giving me a Mother’s Day to celebrate. I couldn’t be more proud of the independent, expressive, animal loving young man that you have become. Keep doing what you do… showing up, caring and teaching us that the effort and honesty we put into life will create the path we get to walk.
With optimism,
Wendy
My favorite from Kenny Chesney’s new album out this week - reminding me that different is ok.
Transitions can be hard. As humans we don’t always like to change, and yet it’s the only inevitable thing in life. This week I was fortunate to be able to interview two people in my life that I have spent a great deal of time with over the last few years who have been both instrumental in my own healing, helped my kids too, and have both helped me gain a deeper understanding of my own vision for elevating the conversations between athletes, parents, and coaches more clearly. Amanda Lee Murphy, Licensed Acupuncturist and Eastern Medicine Practitioner and Frank Amato Licensed Chiropractic Orthopedist both understand the mind, body, spirit connection in a way that elevates my thought process and promotes healing in my body every time I visit them, which is why I wanted to sit down and talk with them for my newest project.
I know over the past years you have become accustomed to getting a story filled blog to read on Sunday morning, but my new project has me making a transition to a new website soon, and short on time to both write and experience life the way that I like to…even though these thoughts are being written at 4:30-5am these days because that is when my mind wakes me up and the stillness of that hour allows things to settle. I’m using this time to give you a glance into what you will see from my new project aimed at promoting inclusion and excellence both on the volleyball court and in the game of life by bringing you up close and personal content from the pros and coaches of the game to the developing athletes who will become the leaders of tomorrow in volleyball and the game of life.
In talking with these wellness practitioners, they understand that vulnerability is at the core of storytelling, learning, and healing, and the ways that those types of relationships can promote healing and happiness in our own lives. How can parents and athletes communicate better, what kind of recovery practices can not only help heal our physical body but elevate our self awareness in a way that we can understand who we are and what our purpose is in this world. The greatest thing we get from playing sports is the journey to our own self awareness.
"It’s taken me a lifetime to become vulnerable, but I try to help my athletes learn to do that at a younger age than I did.” - Frank Amato
Quotes like this remind why Frank and I get along so well, and why I have sent my own child to visit him with her injuries. His handle on his own self awareness and purpose is calming and why I talk his ear off every time he is working on my ankle or shoulder. He’s a sage, not just for healing the body, but the mind and spirit as well. And these are the conversations I will bring to you through my collaboration with Anthony Moore and his incredible up close and personal photography and video. Stories of resilience and optimism, that will matter to younger athletes from the experienced professionals who have lived them. It’s generational learning that helps us recognize our values and reverse and it’s my passion. We are creating a rising tide for every athlete, parent, coach, and legend of the game to share stories and learn from each other to help each other as athletes and human beings. Stay tuned. It’s coming down the pipeline soon and you won’t want to miss it.
“How long have you been standing in the shadows? My whole life.” - Lucas Beineke - The Addams Family
Broadway - always exposing universal truths in the most entertaining ways. Before COVID hit, Kate and I had tickets to Jagged Little Pill in New York, we were going to go before we hit the Atlanta qualifier for volleyball, and then everything came to a screeching halt. I remember how subdued she was over dinner on April 8, 2020, and it didn’t take me long to realize why - we were missing our trip. I’ve promised her we’d make it back, and the time is coming.
I wasn’t going to write a blog this week, I’ve been working on another big project and doing so much writing for that, plus traveling to watch the ever resilient Stanford Men’s Volleyball team battle in Provo, UT, I thought I’d take a week off. But ,just home from Kate’s first live onstage play, Redondo Union Theatre Arts presented The Addams Family live and in person tonight, and these kids were so amazing, I decided I had to write down a few words.
What makes us step out of the shadows and into the light? Alignment…when our vision matches our values. There are practical ways to assess how we are doing on that road, but most of all, alignment feels like a deep seeded contentment that you can trust. It brings calm, sustainable energy that doesn’t waver, and points you toward your purpose. It brings meaningful connection to our lives and instills a confidence that inspires us to step out into the light. No one is meant to live life in the shadows, yet somehow, there isn’t one of us that doesn’t know what that stuck and lonely feeling feels like.
The self awareness and confidence it takes to step out on stage and be seen is something these kids have learned through the discipline of showing up and learning to shine. And Kate, you have known it and shown it since your first family theatre production. The way you and your classmates have had to create a new kind of success, and support each other through this difficult year, means you will forever be able to think on your feet. Your vision and values are aligned, keep checking in with them and trust that your intuition will not steer you wrong.
Sending so much love and encouragement to step out of the shadows and shine bright on any stage life puts you on…I have no doubt there will be many more.
One of our favorites…more universal truth
With love & optimism,
Mom
There is a new piece of art that hangs over the doorway in my living room. It’s a rustic wooden sign from @HarperGrayce that reads:
“Cultivate Calm”
It’s become my mantra to back up my life philosophy and I love the imagery it brings to my mind in just two words. From my deep valley roots, the word cultivate reminds me of deep rich soil that grows sustainable, high-quality things, and calm is the state I recognize as my gateway to peak performance. My new sign reinforces my life philosophy:
“To create calm and connection with every breath and movement.”
Understanding the value of deep calm in my life and home helps me channel it and take it out into the world. Zeroing in on your life philosophy is a fun, creative exercise that helps us drill down on what is truly unique and important to us. Once I realized that feeling of deep calm is where I feel most myself and perform at my best, I looked for more opportunities and techniques in my life to tap into it. Breath work, yoga, writing, mindfulness, and daily movement, are just a few of the ways that I have learned to help me find flow in my life, no matter what is going on around me.
For so many years, I didn’t know I was operating in a state of fight or flight, sympathetic dominant, always waiting for the shoe to drop. That wasn’t a place I could flourish, my body and mind were guarded most of the time, and I wasn’t able to capitalize on my own strengths. It impacted my performance on the court and in my life. Learning how to recognize my state and work with it has been a game changer (thanks @BrianMckenzie and @intrinsicway)! Although understanding myself on a deeper level has cultivated calm in my life, one of the greatest benefits has been being able to walk the walk and help other people understand what they are about by being real and sharing my own story. No one achieves anything great alone and the culture we surround ourselves with is an integral factor to the levels of success we will achieve.
When we know who we are, more and more we find ourselves in places that align with our interests and values, and the conversations and experiences just flow. For me these days, they almost seem to fall in my lap, and I feel the greatest sense of freedom to be myself. Alignment is a magical feeling.
As I chatted back and forth with another beach volleyball player the other day, the words that came to me were
“The forties are a decade of incredible power.”
Maybe that’s by design, it seems that we hit a place in our forties where if we are willing to dig in and understand the layers of ourselves, and what our life has created, we have an incredible ability to step into our uniqueness and power and create culture around us. I call it finding your ‘Type Be’. When we find it, we open up opportunities to create culture around us that points us toward what we should learn (and unlearn) in life. My passion lies in telling the stories that are universal in their struggle and unique in their experience to help people connect their lives with others. Whether it’s a team, a family, a community, or professional environment, when we are able to provide vulnerable leadership, we can inspire culture, and that is exactly what great coaches do.
This week, I reached out to a few mindful athletes and legendary coaches to get their take on building team culture and loved the synchronicity of what I got back from them, both with my own message and between theirs, because they play and coach for different programs. Here is what they had to say:
“The concept of team culture has so much depth. In the world of sports, sometimes winning or losing depends on the strength of your team culture, and the unity of the players. To me, no matter what “team” you’re on, whether it’s your work team, your family, or an actual sports team, one of the key ingredients to success is vulnerability. Having this trait opens the door to so many other things that make or break team culture, like the ability to have courage, trust, be honest, and be whole-hearted in what you do. Being vulnerable with teammates allows them to understand not just the surface of your being, but the deeper layers. And when everyone on the team can see this in each other, the culture comes naturally.” - Katie Kennedy - Long Beach State Beach Volleyball
“At Long Beach I think we have the best team culture. I say so only having been a part of the Long Beach culture, but Alan does such a good job in this aspect. I think it all starts with the coach, manager, and parents. Culture is a huge thing we talk about at Long Beach and that not one person is bigger than the team. We talk a lot about carrying our own luggage, which is carrying your weight, so you can then help people along the way. We always have each others backs and any sort of confrontation/accountability is all from love. Open communication is key.” - Mason Briggs, Long Beach State Mens Volleyball
“For me a strong team culture starts with empathy for others and an understanding of yourself, and that others will operate differently, and that’s ok. Once they can understand that they will see things differently and react differently under stress, they can give each other the space to be who they are, and help to fulfill each other’s needs through that understanding.” - Stein Metzger - Head Coach UCLA Beach Volleyball
All of these quotes reinforce my belief that our ability to lead and build strong team cultures happen when we soften our ego, genuinely root for each other, and compete to be the best version of ourselves. Healthy, interdependent team culture is rooted in a ‘we, not me’ mindset and the ability to hone our own unique skills whether we lead from the sidelines, are the star of the team, or anywhere in between. Each of these quotes remind me of the ripple effect we have on each other and the importance of surrounding ourselves with great people with tireless work ethic who know how to work and love at the same time. Our choices, actions, and most importantly, our ability to understand our deepest motivations, make us leaders that create deep calm in others and inspire confidence to compete without the need to be anything more than who we are in this moment. Work hard, stay present, and trust that the path will appear…even in my most difficult moments, this formula for deep calm hasn’t failed my team yet.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Photo Credit: Anthony Moore @amoorephoto_
My song this week - piano and some great lyrics are tough to beat.
Seven years ago I stood in front of Nono’s jui jitsu on Pier Ave. in Hermosa Beach and watched my kids learn the sport, the girls liked it...the boys, not so much. Either way, it made them tougher and better able to defend themselves even though no one is still wearing a gui today. It was a challenging amount of discomfort for them. As a parent, finding that recipe for the right amount of pressure to put on them is difficult in itself. It also presented me with the chance to chat with volleyball legend Kerri Walsh Jennings as her kids were rolling on the same mat as mine. She turned me on to a new podcast, Finding Mastery, that became a ritual, and, little by little, like the way you don’t see your own kids grow in front of your eyes until they are 6 inches taller, it helped shape my outlook and challenged my growth to become more confident and adaptable to whatever life sent my way. I discovered my personal philosophy:
“To create calm and connection with every breath and movement.”
And then learned how to take that, and my life experiences, and turn it into a purpose that could help others:
“To connect generations with stories of resilience and optimism through sport that inspire each of us to challenge ourselves to find our own greatness, and accept the stories of others with more compassion and less judgment.”
Think more empathy, less cancel culture.
Sport can create better human beings, not just in strength of body and beautiful execution of form...but by the growth of our mind and character, and help us discover the resilience of our own spirit. This is what I write about most weeks, because it relates to my journey and the greatest purpose I was ever given… to be a mom to four amazing kids. I never knew how much i would love it, and after 20 years it still puts a lump in my throat.
What i have been amazed by is that as we discover our purpose, people come into our paths that provide synergy and support for our journey. As I have shed layer upon layer of self doubt and stayed my course, I have been amazed at the people that have provided me with strength and connection, but this past week, there was a new one that blew my mind and heart, by the grace of social media.
I was beyond humbled and inspired to have the gift of an hour and 40 min podcast worthy conversation with 2012 British Gold Medalist David Smith. This time, I sat and we chatted over Whats App, him post swim in Jamaica and me post volleyball from the comfort of my living room. He told me his harrowing story of athletic greatness, to cancer diagnosis, to a tragic mistake during surgery to remove a spinal tumor that left him paralyzed on his left side. He told the story with strength and vulnerability like we were old friends. I don’t think there is any human quality i appreciate more than realness. Our conversation is worthy of a book, not just a blog, and I’m saving some content for a bigger project I have in the works, but i wanted to give you a glimpse into what I learned this week...I’m so grateful for this conversation.
As a multiple time world champion and an Olympic gold medalist, David has used sport to become the best in the world, but in the darkest days of his life, he has used sport to become the best that he can be. Our conversation connected on so many levels, beginning when he told me how he discovered Michael Gervais on YouTube and then his Finding Mastery podcast.
“He’s gotten me through this and he doesn’t even know it.”
Suddenly, i began to understand how we found our way to this conversation. From the power of blue therapy (surfing and water immersion to heal) to his relationship with his girlfriend who is on the autism spectrum, to the understanding of what a philosophy and purpose can do for your life, we had a lot of mutual understanding for creating safe space, calm, and empathy, and how that leads to deep healing. Does it occur to me that i am not worthy to compare my journey to a story like his...every single moment. Did it seem to occur to him? Not for a minute. It reminded me of the importance of not comparing our stories, the hero’s journey is there for everyone, it plays out on different stages. If we belittle ourselves, or our struggle, we can never achieve our full potential, because we will always feel small and unworthy...and no one is small or unworthy.
We discussed the power of being over doing and the book he is working on that he wants to read like a story...my favorite and the most powerful way to make humans feel safe and able to learn. He has such a grasp of the way athletes need to embody their recovery in a way talk therapy often cannot do. When we talk through our challenges, we engage our prefrontal cortex but our experiences are embedded in our limbic brain. As we move, we are able to bring better balance to our nervous system and find release for deep seeded trauma. Sport can be the healthiest release and help us avoid addictions that cause us and others further pain. But my most powerful take away from this golden conversation was how the journey to the greatest self discovery and healing is an expression of vulnerability that empowers other people to find that same realness in themselves. If in our greatest moments of distress, we can find a safe place to land, and not just be strength on display for everyone around us, we foster the most beautiful connection. As David put it so well,
“Everyone needs a hug.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you @davidsmithmbe for your time and switched on insight. Can’t wait to capture more of this gold and read your book!
Because music gets me through every week and Tim McGraw came our with a new album….here ya gol
And P.S. @savestanfordmvb watching you guys play and have fun tonight was a joy - this fight isn’t over yet!
With love & optimism,
Wendy
One of my favorite things is to wake up to an inspirational text from my friend Chrissy. She is an amazing writer and mom (check out her blog Life with Greyson + Parker) and when we met 10 years ago, we were trying to figure out the ins and outs of having kids on the autism spectrum, even though neither of us actually had diagnosis’s yet for our children. She is one of the best silver lining humans that I know, we are kindred spirit introverts that just get each other. As we went back and forth this morning, waxing philosophical even before we had had our coffee, our words pointed to what I was already writing about this week…our tendency as humans to compare ourselves to one another and the jealousy that it can create. I’ve learned over the last few years that there are so many ways to do life, and once we find the courage, it’s just easier to be ourselves, without apology, than think we need to copy anyone else’s journey.
For me that has meant connecting deeply to the world of sports…a place that has always been an outlet for my nervous energy but also one where I feared that I couldn’t hang. As a younger athlete, I lacked confidence and it became the thing that I most wanted to teach my kids, not just on the court, but in life, so they could find and pursue their passions, whatever those passions may be, and nothing makes me happier than to see them learn to lead doing what they love to do. We all need that place in life. As athletes my older two have had some of the highest highs, like achieving their dreams of playing at the Division 1 level, and also battled through lows like injuries (I think Lauren inherited my weak ankles) and heartbreak, (let’s get this reinstatement taken care of @gostanford), but above all have come through difficult circumstances on and off the court that shape their character and build their resilience in life in a way that makes me so proud. Through my parenting journey, I have seen how much the world of coaching and parenting intersect, and how comparing our lives to anyone else’s, diminishes our potential to make the impact we were meant to make on the world. Even saying you have the desire to make an impact is scary. It brings out the fear of failure and the dreadful feeling of imposter syndrome, that “who am I to" (fill in the blank).
As humans we have a tendency to compare and even be jealous of what other people seem to be or have in their lives when all that does is contract our own unique path. It’s got me thinking about the impact comparison and jealousy have on our happiness and performance, individually and as part of any team. Teams come in many forms…work, families, sports, clubs…anything that has an established culture that we are a part of, for better or for worse. This week I had the privilege to get the feedback from an masterful Championship winning volleyball coach and a 2016 Olympian on how they handle these concepts in their own lives, and on their own teams. I’m so grateful for these conversations and connections, here is what they had to say:
“Everyone on a team has to feel like they are an integral part of the team. People may have different roles on a team/organization, but each individual needs to feel appreciated, they add value to the central mass, and that they have freedom to fulfill their individual role. As the leader, I need to convey to the troops what is the environment that THEY would like to be part of. I then give verbal praise in front of the entire group whenever I see actions of the culture we want. Then almost a competition can develop of who can do the most “positive actions”, because generally people like to be praised! One of the first messages I will say after saying “hello” is that we are not going to have jealousy for one another. If I give praise to someone for positive actions, we are NOT going to talk negatively about the “doer of good deeds”. I ask for each team member to take a symbolic one step forward if they agree to not to be jealous of the doer. Then when I give the first positive comments to someone in front of the group, I will IMMEDIATELY joke and say to the group something like, “hey, we’re not mad at so and so are we?”. At the end of the practice, I ask for players to nominate one another as the “player of the practice” and the players have to be SPECIFIC why they are nominating a teammate (“Suzy reassured me after I mad an error”, “Sally’s servers were on and scored many points”, “Sam had that one incredible dig”. I make a point we want to honor physical plays AND selfless actions as well. This makes the less athletic kids know they can be honored by being selfless teammates. -Tommy Chaffins, Prep Volleyball Coach of Year, Max Preps Coach of Year, Daily Breeze 11x Coach of Year, Redondo Union High School Head Coach (and someone I have seen personally create culture where teenage girls learn to both support each other and compete!)
“I think jealousy is a good teacher. Usually when we feel bouts of jealousy they are signals that someone else has something we would like to have ourself. I think recognizing this before it becomes detrimental to yourself and/or your team is the number one key. Since feeling jealousy reveals those things we wish we could have, it can act as a gateway to walking the path to finding the best version of yourself as a player, teammate, athlete etc. If you feel feelings of jealousy because your teammate is starting and you aren’t, what actionable step can you take to improve your chances of seeing playing time more? Do you need to spend some more time getting extra repetitions at a specific skill? Do you need to spend more time in the weight room building foundational strength? This is just one example of how we can turn feelings of jealousy into positive actions. Another way to look at jealousy is through the scope of building your own internal confidence and high self-worth. Your feelings are ultimately in your control. When we are in an environment where jealousy is at the forefront it’s a signal that there is inner work yet to be done. There is never anything anyone is doing outside of us to make us feel jealous, those feelings are solely felt because of our own perspective of what is going on or what is being conveyed to us. Within a team we want to feel connected, and build trust and have a foundation of confidence from the coaching staff to the training staff to the players. Valuing one another and treating others with respect and full support is the main goal within a team. So those very fragile feelings of jealousy can easily be released if we focus the right kind of energy on them and take actionable steps to rid ourselves of them too. - Carli Lloyd, 2016 Olympian, Professional Indoor Volleyball Player, expecting mom, May 2021, writer of her blog, Show Up With Me - and someone who has the one of the greatest blends of compassion and competitiveness I have ever seen.
We find our purpose when we use our passion to create something unique to us that has an impact on something larger than ourselves. When we connect to our higher self on the most intimate level, our goals become so specific, there is no way to compare them.. Every week that I write, I get closer to making that impact that I want to make: to raise generational consciousness and teach life lessons through sports so we can make our greatest impact and develop deeper empathy for all of the stories of the human condition. My challenge to you this week is to get so clear on the impact that you want to make on this world that you can see who adds beautiful connection and collaboration to your life and that you you would never again dream to compare yourself to anyone else.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Photo credit: Anthony Moore (@amoorephoto_)
Brenda Cash (@brendacashphotography) for the photo in my email if you get my blog updates there;)
And because there is always a song that comes to mind. when I write….
The signs and experiences have been there my whole life. Not in the boldest ways, but in ways that are unique to me…always there to teach me something. Sometimes I call myself a late bloomer, because I reframed the phrase slow learner. More often these days, I realize that I process life on a deep level and it takes me time. As I get older, I see that as a gift that helps me stay curious and learn about myself and other people and what makes us all tick, and I love writing about it. One of my cool conversations on the beach in the last few weeks with an engineer turned coach explained it as “root cause”, I’m always looking for the why behind the story.
Lately, scenes from my own story flash through my mind that I haven’t thought of in years. 1988, Kochi City, Japan, Friendship Games…my first ever international travel experience and it was to Japan to play volleyball. Traveling with a team at 14 without parents opened my timid eyes to the world and was the best experience. Randomly at the end of that trip, our team ran into Karch Kiraly at the Tokyo airport and as we all recognized him and went a little teenage girl crazy, he was gracious enough to stop and sign our tournament t-shirts and take pictures. I hadn’t thought of this story in years until I watched the beautiful play of Miki Ishi and Megumi Murakami on Thursday at 8th St. in Hermosa Beach. With all the turmoil in the world this past year, sports have been one of our greatest sources of unity.
I have always loved volleyball. I learned how much with every set back. A dive on the floor that tore my thumb ligament my senior year of high school and made me miss the whole season, my rubbery ankles that couldn’t take someone coming under the net and ended my walk on run at Cal Poly. There aren’t any championships marking my path, but each of these set backs taught me more about how much I love to play and how to take care of myself so I am able to impart these lessons to my life’s greatest work…Lauren, Luke, Kate, Matthew…as they learn to travel their own paths.
Since these early volleyball days, the challenges have run deeper. Healing from broken relationships, and near death parenting experiences have only deepened my perspective on the game of life, and the things I learned through sports have helped define my own comeback story. One thing is for certain, life will deliver adversity to our doorstep, and we have to figure out how we will respond. This week I’ve been thinking about the integral parts of what makes our comeback stories great and sets us on the unbeatable path of greater self awareness.
Honesty with ourselves. We only find our way to alignment when we face our story head on. There is no going around the things that scare us, the less than stellar qualities that crop up as we try to protect ourselves and our egos, and the unhealthy coping mechanisms that rear their ugly head if we try to change the facts. Sometimes these circumstances are born of our own choices, other times, like in the case of injury, sickness, or accident, they are handed to us, but both are here to test our resolve to see if we can emerge stronger.
It doesn’t matter how other people see you, what matters is how you view yourself. As humans, we can get so wrapped up in perception and end up trying to make things look a certain way. Rather than focus on how things look, we have to learn to live by how things feel. I don’t mean this in an instant gratification way that allows you to take the heat off and feel temporary relief. When we learn to live in the present moment, we are able to feel whatever that moment is there to show us, and with that skill, find gratitude for that moment’s greatness or the strength to notice what is uncomfortable and know that this too shall pass. It looks different for everyone, so don’t let what someone else sees define your path, just get to know yourself well enough to have the courage to define your own.
Recovery takes downtime. Sometimes the conversation arises that pushing through isn’t always the right thing to do. Time and experience has proven this to me firsthand. It’s not always about toughening up, softening to the experience is a skill. I wish I would have known this before Lauren did three weeks of Junior Guards with a broken arm and she finally said “those push ups still hurt”… Whatever the difficult story is that is asking for our comeback, there is inevitably time when we need to sink in, give permission for the moments we need to rest and reset, and be kind to ourselves. For me this looks like a few hours reading a novel or long walks and conversation with a friend. It’s not always about the grind, recovery time gives the comeback story the respect it deserves.
Share Your Story. There is so much universal truth in all of our comeback stories. We all wrestle with doubt, fear, and the ability to love ourselves as we are in the present. The hero’s journey is one and the same for all of us, played out on different stages. One of the most inspiring things I have gained from learning to be transparent about my own struggles is the ability it gives me to connect with other people. Honestly, I’m not sure there is anything more beautiful in life than these moments. If we don’t have the courage to show our human struggle, we will never be able to emerge stronger for having gone through it, and we find ourselves in cycles that repeat instead of transforming our lives. Share your story, I’ve found that most of the time we are met with understanding and a resounding “me too” (the good kind!). It gives our struggle another purpose and we end up helping ourselves and others at the same time.
I was inspired to write about the comeback this week because of the struggles that I have watched my oldest two go through in this wild year we have all endured. Trust the process, surrender to what is, and believe that the path with present itself. Let’s go @savestanfordmvb, we’ve got momentum, keep battling. @Lauren.turner21, couldn’t be more proud of your grind and incredible sense of self awareness. Sometimes the fight doesn’t look like you thought it would, but if we follow our instincts and keep training our minds, bodies, and spirits, the comeback is always greater the setback.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Inspired by life and music - the choice this week.
Photo credit: @matts.photography_
The signs and experiences have been there my whole life. Not in the boldest ways, but in ways that are unique to me…always there to teach me something. Sometimes I call myself a late bloomer because I reframed the phrase, slow learner. More often these days, I realize that I process life on a deep level and it takes me time. As I get older, I see that as a gift that helps me stay curious and learn about myself and other people and what makes us all tick, and I love writing about it. One of my cool conversations on the beach in the last few weeks with an engineer turned coach explained it as “root cause”, I’m always looking for the why behind the story.
Lately, scenes from my own story flash through my mind that I haven’t thought of in years. 1988, Kochi City, Japan, Friendship Games…my first ever international travel experience and it was to Japan to play volleyball. Traveling with a team at 14 without parents opened my timid eyes to the world and was the best experience. Randomly at the end of that trip, our team ran into Karch Kiraly at the Tokyo airport and as we all recognized him and went a little teenage girl crazy, he was gracious enough to stop and sign our tournament t-shirts and take pictures. I hadn’t thought of this story in years until I watched the beautiful play of Miki Ishi and Megumi Murakami on Thursday at 8th St. in Hermosa Beach. With all the turmoil in the world this past year, sports have been one of our greatest sources of unity.
I have always loved volleyball. I learned how much with every set back. A dive on the floor that tore my thumb ligament my senior year of high school and made me miss the whole season, my rubbery ankles that couldn’t take someone coming under the net and ended my walk on run at Cal Poly. There aren’t any championships marking my path, but each of these set backs taught me more about how much I love to play and how to take care of myself so I am able to impart these lessons to my life’s greatest work…Lauren, Luke, Kate, Matthew…as they learn to travel their own paths.
Since these early volleyball days, the challenges have run deeper. Healing from broken relationships, and near death parenting experiences have only deepened my perspective on the game of life, and the things I learned through sports have helped define my own comeback story. One thing is for certain, life will deliver adversity to our doorstep, and we have to figure out how we will respond. This week I’ve been thinking about the integral parts of what makes our comeback stories great and sets us on the unbeatable path of greater self awareness.
I was inspired to write about the comeback this week because of the struggles that I have watched my oldest two go through in this wild year we have all endured. Trust the process, surrender to what is, and believe that the path with presents itself. Let’s go @savestanfordmvb, we’ve got momentum, keep battling. @Lauren.turner21, couldn’t be more proud of your grind and incredible sense of self-awareness. Sometimes the fight doesn’t look like you thought it would, but if we follow our instincts and keep training our minds, bodies, and spirits, the comeback is always greater than the setback.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Inspired by life and music - the choice this week.
Photo credit: @matts.photography_
All my life, and part of the reason I like to write so much, is because it slows down my thoughts, and gives me time to express myself clearly. We’ve all had moments we wish we could take words back or make our thoughts come out differently, but then there is also just good old fashioned hindsight, what life has taught us that becomes valuable on our journey. Learning to look at ourselves rather than pointing a finger at someone else or make an excuse is a challenge that opens the path to a bigger life, a life that keeps growing, changing, and creates longevity no matter how old we are. Introspection can feel invasive and scary, but without it, life becomes a history of repeated patterns that we don’t learn from and we end up judging and projecting all over each other. So, as I see it, ‘what I meant to say’ becomes the way forward to reverse the patterns in our lives that we want to correct, and, while the truth is it’s never too late to discover new paths, I am inspired to write about these lessons with the hope that it will help someone else learn earlier than I did. Lately I’ve been considering all the topics that I could cover with a ‘what I meant to say’, in so many ways, it’s the why behind my blog, so here are just a few of my thoughts on this incredibly busy Easter week as I begin to explore this topic deeper.
What it feels like matters more than what it looks like. Don’t base your choices on what it looks like to everyone else, feel into the experience and learn to trust your gut. Five years ago, I had a life that seemed enviable from the outside, but was crumbling on the inside. Today, I have 100% more confidence and health because I faced down what scared me, had some stuck and difficult days in the middle, and came out the other side flowing.
Vibration is a state of being. When we learn how to release fear and feel peace in the present moment, there is no limit for how high we can go. The more I have learned to align with my true self, the higher my vibration - and the people, opportunities, and things that cross my path organically feel right. I’ve had other times in my life when I have hid from myself, a truth that I knew but didn’t want to face yet, or a fear that was holding me back. In that space, goals become unclear, and action turns into paralysis…keep leveling up that vibration and life begins to flow simply.
Fear contracts us and makes us live smaller than we should. Speaking of feeling stuck, it’s a real thing. It’s the reason I can get 100 things done in thirty minutes and yet if I have an entire open day, sometimes I can barely get one thing covered. The trick is to picture your greatest life and go after it. (*hint - don’t get distracted, focus is the gateway to flow) I have felt it in real time. The question is what do you fear? When we picture the worst, or speak to ourselves in the negative, we tighten up and dim our light. The world is never asking this of us, so why do we put it on us ourselves?
Music is free healing. It has pulled me out of more funks that you could possibly imagine. When in doubt blast your favorite music while you take a drive, a walk, a shower, or do the dishes. It is a game changer. And maybe the reason I end my blog every week with a song. Zac Brown and Tim McGraw have helped me work through some tough spots.
Learning to let go is part of every gain. We want it all, but I am here to say we can’t have it all at once. There are trades offs, space that we have to free up in our minds and lives if we are going to live a clear minded and connected life. We have to let go… of comparison, negativity, perfectionism, and so many other things to make room for abundance.
If there is anything that I have been feeling in the last week it’s flow. Charting my course, aligning with my values and vision, and attracting everything that goes along with that path. This week’s simple blog is part of a much bigger plan. What can you do to follow your path and live with greater joy and purpose? I promise it will be worth it. Take the higher road, and trust that it will all come together. If anyone tries to get in the way of that, remember who you are and what you want to accomplish and keep going, and, while you are at it, be inclusive and bring others along with you. There are exciting things to come with The Optimists Journal, interlacing with game of life mindset with my love for volleyball and the generational wisdom that I want to pass down to athletes far and wide and as well as the ones close to my heart already (let’s go @tcubeachvb and @savestanfordmvb!) . We all have a story, the question is will we get the most out of it by examining ourselves and our place in this world, so that we have more flow in our life and less times where we are left with a ‘what I meant to say’.
Happy Easter!
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
As a mom, this song never gets old.
In a nutshell, I’m over elitist culture. From Washington D.C. to Stanford University I am tired of people and institutions that play by different rules than everyone else and create an ever widening gap between perception and reality. This was my thought as I watched the new Netflix documentary, Operation Varsity Blues: The College Admissions Scandal. My optimism was more than dampened with the realization that Stanford does not stand behind the character building grind required to achieve the high academic standard and level of play that are required to wear a Cardinal jersey. The story of fallen college admissions consultant Rick Singer and his side door approach to college entrance that got the kids of affluent families into the universities of their choice, upon the six and seven figure donations by their parents, testing scandals, and blatant lies that the students were athletes in sports that they had never played, hit a major nerve in me…like a sciatic nerve, so big it knocks you off your feet.
When the original story broke, I followed it because I lived in the backyard of schools and people who were involved in this scandal, and because two of my kids were approaching college. But as with most of the news these days, I tried not to sink too deep into the story because it was incomprehensible. At the time, I had two kids headed toward college. After making a transition from indoor volleyball to the beach, Lauren knew she was going to TCU to play. Luke had his sights set on Stanford, a place he had been attending football games in ‘fear the tree’ t shirts with his siblings since he was eight years old. I watched as he sacrificed sleep, increased his workload, and focused on his grades, while he waited and hoped for a chance to play volleyball for the Cardinal. Finding out he had a shot was one of the greatest days of his life, although he still had to wait for admissions to let him know he was in as a student…Stanford athletes are expected to maintain the schools standards for excellence in academics too, and he was told if they don’t hit the mark, they can’t wear the jersey, whether the coach wants them or not. I remember thinking at the time that for this age, these are the real pressures, what I don’t remember thinking was that as his parent, there was anything I could do about it besides support his efforts, be there to talk, and encourage him if he needed it.
The release of this documentary shed light on Stanford at a time when they they are already suffering in my book after turning their back on 240 athletes from 11 sports that they recruited. These athletes learned through their athletic experience how to show up, to crush it, to have a bad day or game, and learn to fight back, and yet they face a hypocritical university that will not show up in the same way for them.
Although it’s hard to stop talking about all the things we learned in 2020 from everything that we lost, as I watch this young Stanford Men’s Volleyball Team battle for what the university wants to be their last season (one that looks nothing like a real college volleyball season, with it’s incomplete schedule, training, and apathetic coaching) the irony of Stanford’s proclaimed value system and the gap between perception and reality is astounding. A school that is known for the amazing things they do to serve underprivileged and deserving students has a dark side. Stanford, with a near $30B endowment, that made $1.6B in 2019-20 alone, has decided that it can’t afford 11 sports?! On July 8, 2020 in the midst of everything else that these athletes had lost during the pandemic, they were told by the school that recruited them (that they each had to work incredibly hard to get into on their own and gave up other opportunities to be able to wear the Cardinal jersey) wouldn’t have a home for the sport that they have spent the majority of their lives playing. Reportedly, they didn’t want to continue programs that couldn’t compete for National Championships (way to answer back Shane Griffiths). No warning to the alumni or staff that their program was in danger…no amount of money raised would save them, no side door opportunities for these student-athletes, not that they would have needed them anyway.
Growth requires challenge and pain produces progress, so in the long run, Stanford can’t take anything from these athletes, they will be tough as nails and know how to battle no matter what path they choose to walk. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a right thing to do…and Stanford hasn’t done it. These athletes deserve the support not only of their families and the outstanding alumni of these programs, but for the university that brought them on campus for an opportunity that was pulled out from under them to continue to provide them with a chance to lead and grow in the sport that they committed to play. Watching from the volleyball LiveStream on the screen, I see the athletes battling with all the heart that they have, even with a lackluster coaching effort that these players do not deserve. When the character of the athletes far surpasses that of the university that they were recruited to play for, something is very wrong. Stanford has proven that the entitled can buy their way in, and the endowment will help educate those who can’t afford to pay but are deserving, but they deserted the hard working student/athletes that committed to them, and it’s inexcusable. In the end, it’s not my ultimate decision if my son will stay at Stanford, I trust his decision making process 100%, but one thing is for sure, Stanford doesn’t deserve these athletes, or our support. When the gap between perception and reality becomes so great, Stanford is teaching the wrong things, and everyone loses.
