There is nothing like travel to remind you that there is always more than one way to do things. I spent the last week enjoying Spain with Luke, his teammate and his mom. Traveling with people can be an interesting experience, all of our true colors come out when we are jet lagged, lost, or have different opinions on where to go or what to do next, but we were in sync the entire week. I’m so grateful for this opportunity we had to travel together. Over the last few weeks and throughout our trip, as I battled some pain from this herniated disc I’ve been dealing with, watched New Orleans and the East Coast get pummeled by Hurricane Ida, and experienced the 20 year anniversary of 9/11, the idea of rebuilding and what it takes to do it right, has circulated in my head.
When it comes to our bodies, aging, and what I have encountered with mine the last few months, I often picture what it looks like when a toddler starts to walk. How they bend their knees, their heels stay glued to the floor, and they go up and down with ease a hundred times a day. To say that I feel a long way from that point would be an understatement, and I let myself feel sad for a minute because I miss playing volleyball and going to yoga so much. What I know for sure is that I know how to rebuild because I’ve done it before, and the process is always bigger than just me. Rebuilding doesn’t have to mean going back to the way things were originally, because as I’ve learned through my life and travel, there are many ways to do something right, and lots of ways that things can look and still be successful. In recognizing this, we open ourselves up to a lot of growth and progress along the way.
Ways to Rebuild With Intention
Work from Our Strengths - Whether we are talking about our own bodies and minds or entire communities, we are always best served when we are able to recognize and work from our strengths. Understanding what we do best or what our strongest attributes are helps lead us through our greatest challenges. I used to feel uncomfortable or less than humble if I led from my strengths, but now I see how that held me back from making my greatest impact. Every reinvention is built upon solid strength, make sure you know what yours are and don’t be afraid to share them.
Be Honest about Our Weaknesses - If we can’t assess and be honest about where we struggle, we can’t garner the support we may need to get stronger. Every person or system has inherent weaknesses, when we understand what they are, we can rebuild and fortify ourselves and our communities. It’s contrary to what our ego wants, but weaknesses can become strengths the more we shine a light on them.
Assess Our Coping Mechanisms - A solid rebuilding plan is based on having healthy coping mechanisms. Are we able to be transparent with our communities, or at least trusted members within them? As I heard so brilliantly stated at an #AA meeting I went to a few weeks ago,
“Our secrets keep us sick.”
I found that statement to be brilliantly clear. Community, movement, connection, music, breath, journaling…these are the things that will help us and future generations rebuild. Nothing that takes us away from the feelings we feel or tries to bury our hurts will put us in a position to rebuild and heal.
4. Be of Service to Others - Nothing takes us out of our own heads faster than extending ourselves to help someone in need. Sometimes there are storms in our lives that just have to be weathered. When these times come, we emerge from our own storm stronger when we are able to help someone else rebuild. Being a part of a greater community takes the emphasis off of us and the world gets stronger as it benefits from our effort.
5. Don’t judge - One thing I have noticed as I have come through the road bumps of life is that those of us with a few more bumps and bruises tend to be less judgmental of anyone else’s process. Nothing gives us more freedom to rebuild than admitting we do not know what another person has gone through until they decide to tell us, so why judge. We can only be of service to ourselves and others when we approach situations and people with an open mind. The best rebuilding projects come out of openness and collaboration. When rebuilding, forget knee jerk assumptions, listen, and get ready to do some work.
Rebuilding, whether its bodies, minds, relationships, or entire communities is not for the faint of heart. But I have seen it done time and again by regular people countless times in my life. There are things that haven’t faded since that fateful day 20 years ago like the 24 hour news ticker, longer security lines, and stricter measures to keep us safe. But what would it be like if the unity we felt as Americans was the same as it was 20 years ago. That is something that is worth rebuilding, and the truth is it starts with the mind, body, and spirit of every person in this country. Rebuilding the individual translates to stronger communities, connections, our country, and our world, so don’t let anyone tell you that what you do every day doesn’t matter. Choose wisely, go easy on the judgment both on yourself and others, and let’s see what we can rebuild together because as I’ve said so many times before, it’s all connected.
With love & optimism for whatever rebuild you need,
Wendy
Zac Brown was a big part of my last rebuild…was happy to find this new one this week.
Well, It’s been a few weeks…I’ve had to figure out what to do with this pain. I found out I have a 5mm herniated disc on my L4/L5 vertabrae, it’s the most physical pain I have ever felt, including four child births and three foot/ankle surgeries, so it’s taken me more than a minute to breathe through this one. Pain stifles my creativity and pain medication does not agree with me. It makes me sad, and sick. Add that to not getting to play volleyball or go to yoga and it feels like a self imposed quarantine. But that’s what I’ve learned, the healing happens and the inflammation subsides when I slow down instead of trying to push through. So that’s what I’ve done. I’ve been humbled by the people who reached out to see if I was doing ok, it’s amazing for me to see the connections that I have made through writing and it always feels good to know someone is thinking of you, so thank you;)
Thursday I had to get a prescription filled at CVS and when they said it was going to take 20-30 minutes, I walked outside and decided to buy myself an ice cream. I hadn’t eaten much of anything because of the pain and, all my life, when my stomach isn’t right, vanilla ice cream is my go to. Right away I noticed that the line was filled with mom’s attached to little kids in Catholic school uniforms who had just finished their first day of school and my life passed in front of my eyes. The little girl in front of me had a first day of kindergarten sticker on her shirt and my little girl who used to be an afternoon kindergartener in a Catholic school uniform herself had just called to check on me and tell me to be careful with my back. Somehow she’s a Movement Science major and a junior in college. Facebook and Instagram are filled with first day of school photos, from kindergarten to college, and no matter how fast the time seems to have gone, some simple rules of engagement have stayed the same.
Be inclusive, not exclusive. I’ve had conversations with this theme with people from grade school to college this week and have learned this first hand in my own life. We can never expect to get the most from ourselves or anyone else if we don’t create communities where people belong to something bigger than themselves. We never get bigger or better by making someone else feel small or not included. It’s a memory I have that goes all the way back to preschool playgrounds and childhood sports teams (yes, I remember so many details from that far back). And if we are honest, in the end, the only thing we get by being exclusive is an overwhelming feeling of loneliness in the end. Community and connection beat elitism any day of the week.
Work to be your best, it leaves little time to judge anyone else. This has come up a lot lately, there seem to be so many different labels and segments that society, culture, or the news want to put on us. It feels like so much time is spent commenting or presuming what other people are doing, thinking, or feeling, when we are so much better off taking people at face value and charting our own course to whatever next great place we are meant to go. Being who we want to be in this life takes a lot of time and energy, judgment of anyone else and the road they want to take is a waste of time. Choose who you want to be around, and let the rest of it go.
The more we love the simple, the grander life will be. If there is anything I know that I have taken inventory of as my kids have gone back to school, it’s the feel of normal life, of waiting in lines, driving them places, and making plans. We know what it’s like to have things taken away from us that we never would have dreamed possible, so maybe we have a healthier grasp on the simple things that are really important. Good conversations, dinner with our friends, watching sports we love…these are just a few of my favorites. I’ve learned not to chase the next thing, because the truth is the stuff is never enough, but the people and experiences always are.
For the pain I have felt the last month, it’s been good to know that the things I have learned that have brought me through difficult emotional times can also bring me through physical pain. Deep breathes, gratitude, and asking the right people for help (I’m getting better at it) are lightening my load and freshening my outlook. Next week Luke and I are off to Spain, a trip I didn’t see coming, and now it’s almost here. Working on decompressing, my spine and my life, and enjoy it a little bit more, because our time, our health, and the people we love are enough and I’m determined not to take any of them for granted.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Almost always something I love on the Spotify Release Radar…
A picture popped up on my phone from Facebook this morning, one of those “five years ago today” memories. It was the year I skipped 6 man and drove up the coast with the kids. I wasn’t in the mood to play that year, staring down a divorce I didn’t want, but, looking back now, I remember that trip being an incredibly healing time. Me with them, in charge, confident, keeping my own schedule and creating the experience that I wanted to create. Instead of feeling sad, it felt free, like a massive decompression, a shift in my nervous system that let me breath deep, move slow, and believe I was going to be ok…away from the guilt, shame, and failure that I had been feeling. I was moving through it, and we were supporting each other through the tough stuff. It felt safe and real and I discovered that there aren’t two feelings I treasure more, because real love can be found in this place. It was my first adult realization that to get where I wanted to go I had to move through the pain.
Whether physical, mental, or emotional, pain comes to teach us something.
C.S. Lewis said:
“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains…”
Different than the emotional pain I had to find my way through five years ago, the pain I have been experiencing for the last three weeks is physical…sciatic nerve pain that leaves the deepest dull but persistent ache down my left leg most of the time. It’s only been three weeks and it has given me the slightest perspective on what chronic, nagging, pain does to our minds and spirits, it’s so much more than physical. It makes me want to go home instead of out, afraid that I won’t be able to do the things I love to do, makes my temper short and my mind foggy and then try and figure out what to do to get better. I stayed off the court for a few days and only felt worse, so I went out and played, and felt better. My blood needs to pump, I feel better when I’m moving. I’ve consulted all my trusted sources who help keep me feeling good from my massage therapist of 14 years Olga, Frank, my sage of a chiropractic orthopedist, and Amanda my amazing acupuncturist. I even had my therapist, who is also a trained Reiki healer, help me move some of this stagnant energy out of my body. I already spend a lot of time thinking about how grateful I am that I can have these cherished people in my life, they are all so much more than practitioners, they are my friends and we’ve built a bond on the path to health and healing. I can’t wait for you to hear from them in the conversations coming with my new website. Each one of them provided their healing ways and little by little this week the pain is getting better, but it’s not close to gone.
Just in time, I checked my calendar and saw that my last Reiki training with the most incredible group of women was set for this weekend. Since December, I have had the privilege to sit with a group of healing spirits once a month and learn about Reiki and other forms of energy healing. It’s hard to describe the peaceful and accepting feeling these women create, but tonight it takes me back to safe and real…no judgment, no secrets, no agenda, except to bring healing to body, mind, and spirit. And collectively they worked on my hurting leg and hip with their healing hands, and the stories, blocks, and battles that my life has created were part of this process. Pain is never about one thing, it gets its hooks in us and digs in deep and manifests in ways we could never anticipate. And while there is strength in carrying on, the love and healing is found by accepting and moving through it. If I can help you with Reiki healing, let me know. It really is amazing.
Yes, Monday I have a doctor’s appointment to get this hip and leg of mine checked out…but without the past ten days integrating these practices, I would only be treating the symptom, not the source of my pain. Too often these days, this is what we try to do; end the suffering by dulling what we feel. The stories of our lives live in our bodies, it’s our job to check in with them and find a safe space to work through them for ourselves and because pain has a ripple effect that lasts for generations. Pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you, I have learned a lot from mine this past week.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
So glad this guy is making music again….
The Olympics have me deeper into TV and news than usual. As always, there is so much to cheer for, be proud of, and inspire us for whatever our game of life looks like, and the one thing I know for sure is that we never know the whole story of the journey that put any of us in the shoes we wear today. The same goes for these athletes. Whether it’s Simone Biles withdrawal from competition, Caleb Dressel’s medal stack and the vulnerability he showed in one of his post race interviews admitting how hard this past year has been, or the unbelievable story of Jake and Taylor’s beach volleyball partnership as it became Jake & Tri and they took the court for their first match with only two practices under their belt, the story behind the story is always what interests and inspires me more than any medal or result. These athletes remind us of what is possible, but their road comes with intense pressure and grind that only few in the world can understand. I hope that what comes from this Olympic experience, played out under the most unimaginable circumstances, without fans and families, and indecisive tests that can end the road for them in an instant, is an awareness for the need for support from early in a promising athlete’s career. The task of developing a whole person in the vacuum of trying to becoming the best in the world is immense, but the real lessons we learn from the success and failure we experience as athletes have the potential to create amazing human beings.
In this day and age, athletes at the Olympic level are intimately tied to the business of sport with endorsements, financial gain, and their livelihood is on the line. Consistent greatness comes with a price tag and the financial distress that can come with having an Olympic dream is immense. I’ve heard it quoted on my favorite podcast that the average Olympian finishes their Olympic run $150,000 in debt. These stories have been a reminder to me this week that no one is meant to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and none of us can reach our potential alone, even the best in the world. The struggles we have seen become part of their heroes journey and show us that success doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Watching the American medley relay team, made up of four American teenage girls, support their anchor who missed out on the gold by .13 seconds was an inspiring picture of what support from the inside looks like. No matter what the story, how can we integrate the whole process of becoming instead of holding the physical performance, the end result, and mental health as separate parts where one has to be sacrificed for another? As spectators, we can meet the stories of these high performing athletes with empathy and compassion knowing the kind of pressure they are under and the inspiration they provide for us. And then I realize that if we did that every day with everyone we meet, how much greater the connection with the people around us would be. If people feel like they have to watch out for themselves because no one else has their back, human connection and our sense of humanity is lost.
People say to me all the time, you are so open with your blog and what you write about. I write to clear my head, and so my kids will have an idea of what their mom was thinking about. I don’t want to be a mystery to them when they reach an age where it becomes relevant to their experience. My greatest hope is that it helps them understand themselves better even if I’m not around. I want them to understand that they are so much more than what they accomplish or do in a day. Armed with the understanding that not everyone has earned the right to know everything, vulnerability and candor have helped me create connection with people that inspire and teach me from the highest levels of sport and have helped me learn more about myself and the world. I can’t imagine keeping it locked up inside, it’s the greatest reason I have for my optimism.
What I have learned in my life is that success stories are not perfect pictures, they are real, marred by cuts and scraps and even deep daggers to our hearts that change us, the question becomes will we have the courage to wrestle with what lies beneath that story and will we be the ones who choose not to judge the stories of others that we think we understand even though we have never walked a mile their shoes. These Olympics are the games that will inspire me for all the reasons that they have since 1984, and for so many new reasons because of the struggling humanity that is on display. The better we know ourselves, our boundaries become clear, and we meet the stories we encounter with more compassion and less judgment, and that is a win every single time. This last year and a half has shown us how independently strong we are and in the same moment how much we need each other for connection and growth…it’s not an either/or proposition. We are never alone in the struggle if we have the courage to let it be seen.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
About 10 days ago, I woke up thinking I should cancel this trip. I’m a creature of habit, I like my daily routine, and usually get a little anxiety about leaving my kids, especially for a whole week…and this was the second week I would be away this summer. I also recognize this anxiety when it comes and know how to notice and name it without acting on it right away…boy am I glad I didn’t cancel.
Last May I wrote about wanting to ‘be better’ and I meant it. When I looked back at that blog, I realized I had some more thoughts about what it meant to follow that path I want to create for myself.. Deep down, no matter how great our struggles become, I don’t believe there is a human being out there who doesn’t want to be better at their life. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out the road to get there, there is so much noise and distraction between the voices of what other people think, that always chirping, self protective voice in our head, and the pull of the glossy ‘A roll’ life on social media, so I started thinking about the things I do that make me get better at my life…and cancelling trips wasn’t one of them.
We belong anywhere we are willing to step forward with confidence. Whatever moment we are in, our life story has brought us to that place, believe in it. Our belief in who we are, at our core, is more important than anything else we hear from anyone else, so be prepared to back it up with the work to keep that vision true. For me, that has meant taking the passion, precision, and care I put in as a mom, and using what I’ve learned to help other people. Parenting was a natural state for me from day one. Honestly, it was my greatest connection to being good at something and one of the reasons I am grateful I was able to have children young. Rather than those nervous moments so many new moms talk about, between the gut instinct and the community of parents from our church at the time, I felt such ease being a mom. I guess that’s why one baby turned into four over the next seven years so here are some more things I want them to know.
1. Work Hard, Rest Well - I love that I have gotten to a point where I trust myself to rest and know that it is part of the process. It’s freeing in a way that calms me, helps me sleep, and gives me better intuition on when to retreat and when to test my limits. It even let me pull an all-nighter in NYC this past week going from Central Park volleyball, to urban trekking all over the city (I have the blisters to prove it), to karaoke and all the way back to Atlantic City in time to see the sun rise. Didn’t think I still had that in me, but happy to discover that I did because my face hurt from smiling. And yes, I needed to rest after that one.
2. If you battle perfectionism, place the standard on the work put in, not on the result.. What does perfect effort look like? Consistently honing our intuition and listening to it every day. We know our own standard, even if it changes over time, or day to day. Effort is something we can control, and maximizing it always feels good, especially when we learn not to get it tied up with the result.
3. Quit blaming, at some point, the cards we hold are ours and we have to decide how to play them. This mindset also makes forgiveness so much easier, then we feel lighter and can see our path clearly. If you can’t let something go, check in with a therapist or a coach, don’t avoid or self medicate.
4. What other people think of you is none of your business. Don’t let what other people think get in the way of your self worth or the vision you have for a single day or your entire life.
5. Accept Others. Don’t try to change them, just choose how they fit into your life.
6. The best example you can be is to know what you love and treat it well. That starts with our own bodies and minds and radiates from there.
7. Find calm. If you read my blog, probably enough said there. Calm is the gateway to presence and our own potential. Slow down, breathe, find it.
8. Know that balance in life is a facade, but presence will always make you feel balanced. Don’t let yourself feel pulled in a thousand directions. To seek and desire balance is the closest we ever are to having it.
I’ve figured out that all nouns were not created equal. People and places are always greater than things. In fact, it’s the people and places that make the things worthwhile. Grateful for another chance to build community and connection and that my intuition guided me to NYC and Atlantic City because this life that looks nothing like I thought it would just keeps getting better.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
And because music makes everything better
It’s less about what our story is, and more about what we do to honor it. This is the line I have come up with to silence the voice in my mind when I start to think about how many other life stories are more challenging than my own. Without that reframe, that comparative line of thinking makes me live a little smaller, feel less deserving, and shrink my own voice. It puts a tightness in my voice, my life, and even in my body that doesn’t feel good. It worries what other people think of me, magnifies what I’m afraid of, isn’t what I want to teach my kids, and definitely doesn’t maximize potential. In short, it isn’t the abundance mindset that I have consciously battled to embrace. The good news is the growth is in the noticing and being able to reframe quicker each time the thought is there.
This week I walked into therapy thinking I didn’t have much to say…and then I talked nonstop for an hour, and it felt like five minutes. It was a stream of consciousness, and Mary didn’t have to say too many words, at the end she said: “I hope you found this helpful.”
The answer was yes, she has a calm and wise spirit and the words she does say are meaningful and inspired. Not to mention it helps me to hear someone say:
“Wow, Wen, you are balancing a lot.”
That’s a thought I don’t let in very often but it reminds me why I put so much effort into taking care of myself and how much I appreciate my abilities and my life.
It does us no good to compare our stories to other people, and the things I have researched, practiced, and stayed consistent with for my mind, body, and spirit have produced improved health and healing in my life that not only benefit me, but my relationships, and the world….I love the idea of the ripple effect. Regardless of circumstances in life, the healthiest among us are rooting for everyone to succeed. I’ve heard so many times that our thoughts are a culmination of the the five people we spend the most time with and while that has its roots in the truth, I think there is an extension from there. How we think and act is also affected by entire communities of people that we spend time with, lean on, and relate to. Their habits, mindsets, and choices have a direct effect on our own. Do they offer the right amount of challenge and support? Do they let us off the hook too easily? Are their habits and ideas things that inspire us that we can learn from and even emulate? Are they people we are able to speak our minds with while they hold space instead of judge us, or worse, cancel us altogether?
I have researched and practiced a lot of self care over the past five years and my go too people in these communities have become dear friends that I love because of the genuine connection we have made over our common interest in using the mind/body/spirit connection to become better people on and off the court. I can’t wait to show you the insight that I have captured with them on some new video conversations coming soon. As Lauren put it to me yesterday when I stood up from lunch at The Source in Hermosa Beach, and l let out more than a sigh because of a calf strain I’ve been struggling with,
“Well mom, you’re pushing 50 and work out like a 20 year old…she has a point, but I also know that everywhere I went this past week, the same words from my wellness community that support this habit of mine were the same:
“We are creating space.”
Most of the time that meant in my joints and tissues…breaking up adhesions and facia that are pulled tight because of my wonky body mechanics from old injuries that I choose to play through. So, I show up in these places and ask for help to unwind the tightness and give me a little more space…and every time they create space in my body, it creates more space in my mind and then for the other people in my life. It’s a win/win/win, no selfishness about it.
So this week I’m considering all the ways that I have learned to create more space in my body and my life for greater peace of mind, calmer conversation, and deeper connection and growth because the gratitude I feel to be able to learn from these ways of being, teach them to others, and live in this place is immense and energizing.
Ways to Create More Space in Your Body & Your Life
Body
Stretch - I’ve said it before, we store our emotions in our bodies so if we don’t take the time to stretch them out, the less space we will have.
Breathe - If you take 10 deep breathes in and out, and are honest with yourself, you will feel the physical and mental space created by the down shift of your nervous system. Real healing that doesn’t cost a dime.
Yoga - Combine my first two suggestions and it will lead you to a your mat, a place where body and mind come together and infinite calm and potential are accessible at the same time.
Train Your Eyes - Choose where you fix your gaze. What we choose to look at can be expansive or constrictive. Focus on the moments, people, and energies that bring calm and enhance your day. I’ve noticed it countless times in the middle of a workout. When we challenge ourselves physically but focus on positive images and thoughts, we have greater stamina. Do that same exercise but think something negative and our ability to push through drops dramatically.
Sleep - When we are sleep deprived, we have a harder time staying present, and worry and even anxiety/depression have a chance to set in and take away space. Sleep is the foundation of health and where our tissues repair and inflammation dissipates.
Hydrate - On a cellular level, our body cannot communicate with our brain as well if we are dehydrated. This can leave us feel anxious, stressed, and unfocused.
Soft Tissue Work - Our bodies create compensating patterns over time. Find a specialist like a chiropractor or massage therapist who can unwind what is bound up in your tissues.
Acupuncture & Cupping - These two things combined create more space in our bodies by deactivating a heightened nervous system and ushering toxins out of our bodies. It’s been a go to game changer for me.
Reiki - Infuse your body and physical space with calm healing energy. I practice it on myself almost daily.
Foam Rollers & Hypervolt - a small investment compared to ongoing massage and chiropractic care but highly effective and creating space in the body if you use them regularly.
Expose yourself to Infrared and Near Infrared light - there is so much new science documenting the benefit of exposure to this healing light. From improved sleep, healthier skin, better cellular turnover, reduced inflammation, and other benefits, if it’s in your budget, it’s a long term care strategy that works. And better health always creates more space in our bodies, minds, and spirits.
Life
Banish Multitasking - It takes us away from being present, stops us from noticing our habits and thought patterns, and makes us less effective instead of more. When we are trying to stuff too much into the minutes of our day, we are definitely short changing ourselves on space.
Set your clocks ahead 10 minutes - I’ve been doing this for as long as I’ve been in charge of a clock, and it’s the most practical way I know to create more space. Being late makes us anxious and rushed and takes away from a conscious process (not to mention the effect it has on other peoples space). Set the clock ahead, leave early, and enjoy the time on the back end to take a few deep breathes before the next space in your day.
Take phone breaks - Walk away from your phone for any amount of time. Let’s face it, these days it’s a challenge, it’s our second brain and the dopamine push that keeps us slightly unsatisfied and coming back for more. Without it in our hand, it is far easier to be present.
Identify your fears, and then figure out how you will push past them - fear will show up from time to time. The problem comes when we let them dominate us. Once we have identified our fear, what small thing can we do to begin to push past? It doesn’t have to happen overnight, but it does have to be actionable.
Spend time alone - For me this time is usually in the early morning, you’ve heard it said, win the morning, win the day and I’ve found that to be true. I heard on this podcast this week about Unwinding Anxiety that a 2014 study showed that people would rather shock themselves than sit alone with their thoughts. As an introvert, I love my alone time, but I have felt the scary place of being alone and feeling stuck. The challenge is to peel pack the layers of that space and not turn away from it by distracting yourself with something else.
Create a mindfulness practice - I do mine daily in front of my Joovv Infrared Light - oops, I guess that does count as multitasking, but it seems to be a great exception.
Make choices based on the alignment of your vision and values - Say no to things that make you busy but don’t align with that. If you don’t know your vision and values start journaling, take this quiz, or talk with a therapist or coach to help you figure them out.
With so many different stories, opinions, and options out there, the space we create for ourselves creates a calmness that can bring us closer together. With space comes intention, presence, and the ability to see clearly where we are meant to connect and create in our world. I started down this road to help my youngest child and ended up learning things that serve any of us who want to continue to get better, at sports or life, because the game plan isn’t all that different. I’m headed for Atlantic City next week for some more volleyball, and have a new website coming soon full of resources to help parents, athletes, and coaches connect and get better - body, mind, and spirit. Stay tuned, can’t wait to show you.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
And of course, music always creates more space in my life…so here’s a good one for this week.
I grew up in Fresno so I’m used to the heat. Whether it’s hot yoga or a toasty day on the beach, I play and feel better when I’m warm. I love the warmth I feel when I connect with other people and their life stories. But in eastern medicine, heat, or yang energy, especially in excess is something that causes inflammation, pain, and wear and tear on our bodies, and when I showed up at my friend and crazy talented acupuncturist Amanda’s this week, I had a lot of heat that needed to escape.
A week of travel, not enough sleep, relationships, and life logistics weighing on my mind without my usual outlets of hot yoga and volleyball for a couple of days, and I showed up at my appointment without much calm, yin energy. In short, I needed support, because what I do for myself on my own wasn’t cutting it. That yang energy can feel intense, it causes my shoulders to ride a little higher and my jaw to clench with tightness that I can feel when I wake up in the morning. If I didn’t take the time to feel how things show up in my body, I wouldn’t have the motivation that I do to make it better. To me it is the evolved version of being tough. Writing is part of that journey to self awareness too, and I am passionate about it because it has helped me feel and see my own progression over the past five years, just like the breath and movement I talked about last week. Without it, I wouldn’t notice the little signs of growth that are easy to take for granted like how easy it is for me to go places by myself now like I did on the 4th of July where I made lots of new friends, or the progress I’ve made being able to share my stories out in the world. Life is too short to live shut down or less than honest so this week I tried to take inventory of a few things life has taught me lately:
I’m a different human than I was five years ago, and yet more intense in the ways that have always been me. I’m feel deeply, but I’m not dramatic. I’m fiercely independent and hate being told what to do, yet also extremely coachable. I’m stubborn, but it can be used for growth and good. The beauty that makes us unique lies in our contradictions and gray areas and not everything has to make sense all the time. It’s the little things that count and connect me to the people I love and I’m grateful to have my kids and friends, old and new, in my corner. If you are looking for more connection in your life, raise your eyes and smile at people, ask questions, you never know when you will discover a new friend.
As humans, we are always works in progress, we don’t have to be perfect to build connection with other people, but we can only build lasting relationships if we are honest - that includes the happy and the more difficult communication that exists happens between us. I’ve learned that some of the hardest conversations are a dance, trying to figure out with grace for ourselves and others, what is ours to own, what to say out loud, what to hold back, when to hang on, and when to let go. Relationships are work, but they also have a beautiful honeymoon period, so I will always savor that.
To quote my friend Chrissy:
“As spiritual and human beings, we long for connection, and the hope of love is still alive in you and that is a beautiful thing that sometimes feels like an ache.”
Those words were too beautiful not to document. Man I love her and our conversations and we go the distance on mind, body &
spirit regularly.
3. Humor is a salve for everything. We have to be able to laugh at ourselves with others about what we know, what we think we know, and what we don’t know yet. It keeps us from taking ourselves too seriously, even if you are a thinker like me. I love having relationships where we can laugh together…I mentioned this in a post this week about my kids. When people feel safe and loved, laughter comes easily, and has the ability to heal so many wounded parts of ourselves. If you can’t find it in your relationships, keep engaging and looking for it every day because it is a game changer.
I’m a big believer that life is relative, it’s what makes my life with four kids just as hard and fruitful as someone with a completely different experience, but sometimes I realize that I still stuff down what is hard, and hide it under that mirage of calm, until the heat makes it’s way to the surface. I’m still learning how to work with this fire that has a tendency to rise up in me. Thanks for helping me merge it with my real calm Amanda, I’ll keep working with this heat of summer.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Wonder why this song came to mind….
Our bodies are containers for our emotions, and when I move, mine like to spill out. It’s why I tear up frequently on my yoga mat, feel the greatest joy on the volleyball court, or have felt the salt or chlorine water absorb my tears without anyone else ever seeing them. I shutter to think what my mind and body would feel like without the sports I love because over time, without release, those emotions harden and take up space in our joints, tissues, and muscles in ways that cause us physical pain and hinder our performance and relationships over a lifetime. I’m often amazed that even though I do feel the aging process, my body and mind feel better than they did ten or fifteen years ago. Maybe it’s because I sleep better without babies in the house (COVID has keep the teenage late nights to a minimum), but the more I move, the more confidence I build in myself and my life plan and find the energy to move it forward every day. It’s why I am passionate about teaching younger people that sports aren’t just about what we do with our bodies, but how we connect them to our minds and our spirits that enrich our lives in ways that are hard to explain the first time we pick up a ball or dive in a pool. Life can be tough from a young age, and the neurotransmitters released in our brains when we move play a huge role in regulating our mood and teaching us how to manage our stress. Not only does movement allow us to release our emotions, the connection it builds between our mind and our body develops our creative space where some of the worlds greatest inventions and philosophies are born. So often I wish I could invent a transcriber for the thoughts I have when I play volleyball, practice yoga, or swim laps. Especially for athletes, breath to movement is active meditation that allows us to find the place we belong in this world. Flow induces some of the greatest ideas and story connections that retreat to the farthest reaches of my brain when I return to sedentary life. I’ve taken to using my voice recorder on my phone to try and get a few of these thoughts down just as I finish because it’s in those moments that my insides and my outsides come closest to matching, and that is one of my favorite feelings in the world.
Alignment, it’s something that every human is looking for whether they realize it or not. That feeling of freedom to be who we are, without shame, guilt, expectation, or the need for validation happens when the way we feel on the inside and the way we are understood from the outside match. It’s the place where we live out our purpose, we stop blaming other people for our feelings and experiences, and learn to take responsibility for our own life. I’m confident that if more of us could find it, there would be a lot less addiction in the world…from drugs, to alcohol, even social media and video games, because we find that space of feeling safe being exactly who we are and the comfort we find being in our skin becomes a rewarding experience. Even just moments of alignment give us a visionary’s point of view on our lives, then what other people think or do matters less to us and we organically find humans that are meant to be in our space to support us.
By this point, we know that there is no life that is untouched by trauma, but the upside to that troubling fact is that there is no greater catalyst for growth than pain. Pain shows up to motivate us to do something…stop drinking, lose weight, exercise more, whatever that next right thing is…just do it. But since I know it’s not as easy as Nike made it sound, here are some things I’ve learned about healing along the way:
From a traumatized place, it’s hard to imagine what a healing, more confident, and trusting version of ourselves looks like, so do the next right thing, take just one more step, you don’t have to conquer it all at once. Make small promises to yourself that you will keep and build trust one decision at a time.
Don’t ask too many questions of others about what that next step is, learning to trust our own intuition is part of the healing process, especially if you have been surrounded by doubters. I know this from experience, and while I have made tons of progress, I still find myself second guessing sometimes only to realize that my first instinct was the right one.
Start to dedicate time to relationships that feed your growth and distance yourself from people that create a drained feeling in your space. Don’t be surprised if it feels selfish or you take that criticism from others…this healing version of you is going to feel different, to you and to them.
Take care of yourself on a cellular level. Mediation, a breath practice, good quality sleep, hydration and nutrition make a difference in the way your mind and body communicate. Recently, I’ve added red light therapy from JOOVV to my recovery routine too - and the difference I feel (and can even document because of my Oura Ring HRV data) is incredible. More calm, sustained energy, better movement on the court, and the added benefit of healthier skin and better sleep make this product one of the best investments I’ve made in my health yet. The better our body and mind can communicate, the more gentle our healing journey will be.
Don’t let other people define you. We carry around ideas in our head about our own disposition based on outdated ideas from what people have told us our whole life. The truth is no one knows us better than we know ourselves, and if we have a gut feeling that something needs to change, we have to trust ourselves enough to listen and change it. If you think you should speak up more, do it. Turn scary into invigorating and make it happen. Healing is found in breaking the mold of how we have responded to life up until we decided those responses were leading us astray.
Learning to hold complicated emotions without bailing out by numbing or lashing out is a maturity process that is life changing. Don’t run away or numb your feelings, not only does it keep us from finding alignment, so much generational pain is caused when we take that road. Deeper understanding and better relationships are on the other side of this commitment to yourself. Breathe through the discomfort, we are always stronger than we first understand.
As a kid, 4th of July was my favorite holiday outside of Christmas. It was swimming pools, popsicles, and pool parties. It’s changed a lot over the years, I’ve found myself missing the volleyball tournaments that dominated the last five 4th of July’s (minus COVID of course). The South Bay has it’s own style of the 4th that isn’t exactly mine, but I’m happy tucked in, watching Wimbledon, and wishing all of you a happy and healthy 4th filled with the kind of celebrations that make this country a better place for every American. Being the optimist that I am, I know that we will be a fit, strong, and healed country if we can figure out how to move and breathe through all of this together.
With optimism,
Wendy
And some happy lyrics for your 4th…. God Bless America!
Photo Credit: @sarahdemuthphotography
Most of my mornings start with movement. Over the years it’s become a ritual, like coffee or brushing my teeth. And while my routine has contributed to my overall health and happiness, the communities and relationships that have come from the places I’ve showed up have been an equal gift. Whether it was and the crunch of leaves with my neighbors for morning runs, the smell of chlorine and steam rising off the pool, the feel of sand under my feet, or a hot yoga room that was dearly missed over the past year, the people that choose to ‘play’ with me have shaped my life and gotten me through the down days. Whether it was the hugs I got on the pool deck the Wednesday morning after we almost lost Matthew in a near drowning or the focus I found on the court after my nervous system began to decompress after my divorce, sports and the communities that are created by them have created a deeper understanding about the experiences of life and others. These places and people are my home away from home, the backbone of the lessons I’ve learned in life, an incredible gift to my outlook on parenting, and a place where my own compassion for the stories of others has grown.
Within our teams and sports communities, even if we all look like athletes showing up to compete, the happenings of life that go on outside the court are often what bring us together if we take the time to listen. Whether the game gives us a chance to forget our worries, pound out our frustration or feel the elation of flow that disconnects us from our thinking mind for a period of time, there are so many psychological benefits to competition.
I never would have thought that spending almost a year working to get Stanford sports reinstated would introduce me to people that I may otherwise never have met. I wouldn’t have found Mollie Reinhart and the Befriend Movement - connecting people by forging new relationships through compassion, and healing racial divides in Richmond, Virginia, and using sports as a common ground to understand each other better. We have common visions on opposite coasts - and an almost tragedy turned to triumph in sports brought us together.
The energy and understanding in the world changes when we tell our story and open our eyes and ears to the experiences of others. The worst thing we can do is assume anything, because we shut out the possibility of what we can learn when we take the time to drop our guard and listen. Ironically, it’s the work we do on ourselves that allows us to listen with more compassion to others. The better we know ourselves, our strengths, weaknesses, hopes, and dreams, we create more space in the world for other people to do the same. We drop our guard only when we are comfortable in our own skin. It’s a maturity process that I hope for for everyone, with all of our bumps and bruises, we are all capable of this experience. The opportunities that sports have created for me to know myself better and connect my body to my mind and spirit have opened me up to a world of questions that I wouldn’t have had the courage to ask without the coaching, competition, success and failure I’ve experienced and I see that same spirit in so many other athletes when we connect. After last year, and as we get ready for Wimbledon and the Olympics, I’ll still be looking to uncover the story behind the story and root for the underdog every time, because the comeback is always greater than the set back.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
From the Release Radar and themed well for this blog
Sometimes i wish i could push record on my nearly weekly therapy sessions because the lightbulbs that go off when I process my thoughts are so clearing. I’m proud that we have normalized the conversation around therapy in my home, helping my kids understand it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help or guidance has been one of my own greatest lessons. It’s hard to teach them what we can’t model and do for ourselves. I look forward to these sessions because it’s a time when I get to let my brain unravel and relax and most of the time I realize how much I do understand about myself, the world I live in, and what my gifts are. I know I’m curious, calm, and feel the energy around me…I also know I have a tendency to want to rush in and fix, try to help others to take the focus off myself, and that most of my procrastination comes from trauma that makes me afraid to express myself, and my therapist has a healing spirit who helps me work through this block.
One of my greatest fears is being perceived as less than authentic…imposter syndrome as they call it. As I walked with my friend Chrissy early Saturday morning, we were talking about this, and she laughed out loud
“You not being real is like you waking up short tomorrow…it’s not going to happen.”
Her analogy made me laugh and reminded me how important it is to have friends that see and understand us without projection or pretense and she tops for me in this department.
From its inception, my blog has been a day by day living thing…real to its core. Lately I’ve been having many great adventures and conversations that center around volleyball, community, and life, but not enough time to decompress and synthesize them, so last Saturday night I went to bed trying hard not to beat myself up for not writing something for my usual Sunday morning post. I’m such a creature of habit, I worry if I miss one that I might never write another blog. I used to have the same feeling about exercise, that if I skipped a day, my good habits would fall away. But the true test of being our greatest self is learning to trust ourselves in unknown and new situations; when to push harder and when to surrender to a different process. Sometime patterns need to be broken, sometimes the energy we need to sustain includes a break for ourselves. All the time we need to trust in our own greatness…because it lies within each of us and the fun part is discovering how to uncover it.
What does it mean to trust your greatness?
Understand you don’t have to do it all to be great. We don’t have to be the boss of everything, or know everything to say something. Our lens is different than anyone else’s, so why even try to conform? So while it feels like community connects in our sameness, our greatness is in our differences.
Know that greatness doesn’t mean great at everything, it means you know yourself well enough to understand what is unique about you. Yet another nod to nonconformity and your own original story, so create it.
Understand your triggers…but know the work doesn’t stop there or we end up in a deep pool of blame. We all have things that have built up some scar tissue around our hearts and while recognizing that is part of the process, feel it, name it, and find your own closure that doesn’t depend on the person or thing that pressed your button in the first place.
Trust that helping others discover what they are great at doesn’t take anything away from you. The world needs all the greatness it can get.
Believe that there is no conflict between true greatness and humble soul, if you feel it, don’t let someone else’s perception shut you down.
And the hardest part, both for ourselves and as parents, is to know that greatness requires both risk and failure. So if you set off on a path that doesn’t work out, trust there is greatness in the pivot, and then do the work to make it true instead of repeating an old pattern. To help make our kids great, they have to understand their own strength, and that is never realized if they don’t learn to do the work themselves.
Like that therapy I was talking about, the great thing about writing my blog is that it helps me set my own head straight and keeps me charging forward on my path. Hope it provides some inspiration for you as well to trust in your own greatness.
Happy Father’s Day to the dad’s out there, especially to my dad who has been both humble and great every day of my life.
With optimism,
Wendy
Another good one from my favorite album of this summer so far…
Connection. It’s a word that lights up my whole being and guides the way I shape my days. It helps me capture such beautiful stories and teaches me everyday that we all have one, and we are actively telling them with every breath. Sports stories have inspired me for as long as I can remember. More than that, it’s the story behind the story…from Brian’s Song to Seabiscuit, the heroes journey wrapped up in the spirit of competition never fails to pull at my heart strings. From some of the greatest sports stories of all time to the ones that we will only know if we take the time to ask, and then sit back and listen, I connect the dots from person to person and universal truth to personal experience and through that learn so much about my own journey, and how to support other people on their path. Kindness, compassion, non judgment and inclusion…this is how we help people rise, have the courage to tell their own stories, and learn to be comfortable in their own skin.
I have so much gratitude for the magic and energy of a moment in time. I love when I get to see the arc of the story playing out, it happens when I stay present, don’t rush it, and just listen. When I’ve done that, I’ve learned to embrace the power of my own story and, as I connect it with the lives around me, my vision becomes clear. We all have this challenge and ability, and when we embrace it, we discover our greatness that doesn’t look like anyone else’s and learn that life is a collaboration, not a competition. Some would think that competitive sports would work against this mentality, but what if we could teach at the youngest ages how to combine fiery competitive natures with compassion, kindness, and inclusivity? What if iron could still sharpen iron while we support each other through life’s trials and tribulations. Those stories are the reason I came to New Orleans this week through the connections I have made with my blog with like minded people working to support young athletes in sport, but more importantly in life.
Since arriving in New Orleans on Monday for Louisiana Beach Week, I’ve had so many awesome conversations and heard so many stories that connect this amazing beach volleyball community. Culture shapes community and that’s why this one is so incredible. It’s so cool to see beach volleyball alive and well and growing at an exponential pace in places outside of California. I’ve heard stories from Mississippi, Tennessee, New York, and Florida to name a few… and even the Californians are venturing out of their usual sandbox to this place called Coconut Beach with its signature style of a little slower pace, more space, and where eye contact and a smile are a regular thing. To see the love of the game at every level, and people who come out with the intention of including everyone at every level who want to play and have fun together has completed my stress cycle in a way that makes me feel at ease and comfortable in my own skin. What a gift. This is how you grow the game.
Sports transcend culture and give us all something to root for no matter where we come from, what our beliefs may be, and remind us that there is always something to work and cheer for. The conversations and stories I have collected this week have shown me that intelligence and authenticity are not scared of the truth, they are curious about it. Stay tuned…The Optimists Journal is about to become part of a bigger venture, my new website is coming soon and the stories I have collected this week will all become a part of it. The mind, body, and spirit of beach volleyball is at the heart of how I live and breathe, and I want to bring it all to you. Stories of healthy athletes, parents & coaches communicating and growing the game but, most importantly, always striving to become better human beings. This is my vision and I’m seeing lived out this week in New Orleans.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Have you ever just relaxed and let life happen? Think about it. We set goals, make lists, check our calendar and work so hard to make life happen while our shoulders get tighter, expectations rise, and sense of chasing pushes us closer to burnout. While I have respect for ambition, discipline, and drive, the more I let myself sink into this life, the more I realize that by this point, it’s showing me where to go, rather than the other way around. Maybe it’s always been this way and I have fought against it, but I realize that as long as we are open to learn about ourselves and gain skills along our path, the more naturally our path evolves.
Life these days is a lot less about proving the grind and leaning into the flow and I think that is a great practice to embrace as real life starts to kick up its pace again so I’m taking that approach with my blog this week.
I’ve been in my element capturing lots of game of life footage, connecting with amazing people and writing copy for my new website coming soon. Sports have taught me how to work hard for what I believe in, yoga has taught me how to surrender and find alignment and I’m bringing that all together in my own life and in the stories I am so blessed to get to tell.
I hope this Memorial Day Weekend finds you well and grateful for this amazing place we get to call home and the people who died to allow us the freedoms that we get to experience as Americans. We have had a wild year but there is still nowhere else I could be prouder to be born. I’ll be back next week with tales from New Orleans…my first trip and the biggest beach volleyball tournament in state history!
With love & optimism
Wendy
Leaving you with a new country favorite.
