I’m a storyteller, not a scientist. But I love when science backs up what my intuition tells me is true. Mindfulness became a thing in my life slowly. Podcasts I listened to were talking about it, my yoga practice led me to experience the power of slowing my breath, and I knew that studies had proven that at the eight minute a day mark, it was shown to begin to change the human brain. Five years ago, I also knew that my brain was due for an overhaul…even if it was a little bit at a time. So I started meditating, using a little app called Insight Timer, that guided me through.
When I think about this past week, my mind knows to seek the high points; connecting with new friends, having Luke home for dinner, a surprise pickup at LAX and lunch with my best friend that I didn’t see coming. But to be transparent, I’ve had my share of low points too. A shooting in a Torrance parking lot that I frequent, threats of violence at California schools, endless regulations that affect our everyday lives that don’t seem to have any positive impact on the numbers, and are having a negative impact on my own and the next generation’s mental health. Usually these moments come at the end of a long day, somewhere between 8-10pm (historically not my finest hours) and I have this sense of sadness that begs for me to consult a quote from my book:
“Sometimes all you need is another sunrise.”
That thought, and coming back to my mindfulness practice seem to bring me back to my usually optimistic self by the next morning.
The other thing that I have learned over the last five years is that nothing is random, every point in our lives is connected to a picture and purpose greater than ourselves, the question is whether we will lift our eyes, open our ears, release the grip that fear has on us, and focus long enough to connect with it, another thing that my mindfulness practice has helped me to do. It teaches me to recognize and reframe any bad narrative that I have going in my head, or just slow down and be present and see where I can be of service, but this past Wednesday night I had a first hand experience with how it has changed what felt like every cell in my body.
To give you a point of reference from an unhealthier time in my life, if you don’t already know this, Matthew, my youngest, had a near death experience and almost drown when he was two. After pulling him out of the pool and witnessing all that came after that, I had moments of panic, so much anxiety, flashbacks, and moments of time that I would want to jump out of my skin. Loud noises would make me jump, another baby’s cry would send me running to find him, and if he didn’t answer me immediately after I called his name or I couldn’t find him for 30 seconds, it would send me into a tailspin. It’s a difficult way to live, both for me and the people around me. My heart goes out to those who struggle like this for years, even decades without relief. I have been fortunate to seek and find healing tools that have pulled me from this anxious space - from meditation, yoga, acupuncture, talk therapy - I’ve explored a lot of healing - and it’s had a life affirming effect on my days. Almost in a way that you don’t notice it…because the darkness and agitation lifts little by little.
But to bring it back to Wednesday night, dinnertime. No matter how tumultuous some dinners have been over the years, it is still one of my favorite things about having a family. In fact, I’m convinced that if we had more sit down dinners in this country we could solve so much of the disconnection and loneliness that we collectively feel these days. Families need time to unwind and talk, even invite their neighbors in to chat. As we finished our dinner and cleared the dishes to the kitchen, Matthew rinsed plates and loaded them in the dishwasher. Luna, our one year old, ball obsessed puppy, got her ball stuck under the dishwasher door and as she tried to retrieve it, she bumped the open dishwasher and the fully loaded bottom rack went flying across the kitchen. The sound was excruciating, it seemed to carry for miles and go on for 10 minutes. But for me, what in actuality lasted 2 seconds, happened in slow motion. As I watched the bottom rack fly through the air, I saw it in slow motion and wondered if I could catch it, assessed that I couldn’t, thought about the fact that I had no shoes on, and stepped away from the flying dishes and steak knives that came crashing down on the ceramic tile floor, plates breaking in pieces, with shards of glass everywhere. Luna was shaking, Matthew started to panic, but I was fine…didn’t even flinch. I could take a deep breath, and Luke and I were able to tell and show Matthew that no one was mad, that it was an accident, and he wasn’t in trouble. It was worth the broken dishes and the clean up to feel that sense of control over my mind and body. Small improvements over time add up and change the culture of families…and it spreads from there.
For all the negative talk in the news these days about “exposure”, I’m grateful for the positive, healing forces and habits that I have been exposed to. Mindfulness, acupuncture, real sleep habits, sunlight, feet in the soil, so many things that affirm life and keep the anxiety and fear based mindset at bay. Little by little, mindfulness is unwinding the tension and anxiety that isn’t healthy for families or societies to live with. To live life to the fullest is to confront risk and decide how we are going to handle it. Although we can never control it all, we have a lot of choice in what are exposed to. Love over fear, out over in, and as was so eloquently put in the amazing movie I watched this week with Kate on Netflix, Tick, Tick, Boom…wings over cages. Slow down and think about it, it’s powerful.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Here’s the song from Tick Tick Boom…lyrics are golden!!
I had to close the newspaper this week. Actually, I wish it was a real newspaper, because I still prefer that to the blue light from my iPad or phone, but when I moved to So Cal I had to give that up because it wasn’t delivered early enough for me to get through it before my kids woke up.
My television news hasn’t been on in awhile either. There’s nothing “new” about it. The same doom and gloom and fear-mongering of the next variant are on constant repeat. It makes me wonder how many people are numb to the news, or worse, letting it sink into their consciousness, impact their nervous system, and ground them in a fear based mentality that doesn’t lead anywhere good.
So much this week felt like a preemptive strike before there was any news to report. Phrases like “it may” or “yet to be determined” were followed by the a destabilizing message meant to instill panic. CNN’s own Leana Wen says “We MUST act as if Omicron is the worst-case scenario,” while Dr. Angelique Coetzee, chair of the South African Medical Association, calls the "nu" Covid-19 variant, a series of "very mild cases" and akin to "a storm in a teacup." It confuses and panics people and none of this reporting aims to support a resilient mindset. Omicron lurks, the financial markets take massive swings daily, and Big Pharma stock prices soar. Living in fear like this isn’t the American mindset I grew up with. And worse, the narrative for the next generation will never produce a strong society that knows how to weather troubled times. There is an old adage that goes like this:
“ Hard times create strong men; strong men create good times; good times create weak men; and weak men create hard times.”
Where do you think we are now? And how can we support each other through it?
And yes, I would substitute women for men in in this quote in a heartbeat…our intuition, intellect, and strength are at the heart of human thriving.
Everything I have personally worked through and learned about getting better, healing, and learning to thrive in relationship with others, is contrary to the narrative that has taken over the headlines. There is no silver bullet for a healthy life and no quick-fix solution. In order to thrive under challenging conditions, we must take ownership of our lives, our health, and our relationship to and with others. The better we know ourselves, the better we can assess the risks in our own lives and make smart, informed choices that set a good example. Holding ourselves accountable is the first step before we can share our choices with others.
A fear-based mindset is never going to allow us to look inward to see what we can discover about the strongest version of ourselves. I posted about that very thing this week, and I think everyone who holds themselves accountable can meet and exceed a “better 1% at a time” goal if they are willing to do the work.
To live in fear is the opposite of loving your neighbor. Our healthcare and front line workers are the best examples of that. Think of how many put themselves in harms way during the darkest parts of the pandemic, and who stare down that choice of being between a rock and a hard place daily. TIme and again, they choose love over fear every single day. That’s the American spirit and mindset I am familiar with.
I want to be strong to be able to help anyone who needs it, and I’ve worked incredibly hard for that ability. Should I end up in a situation where I am the one in need of help, I hope that my track record would produce people in my life that would show up for me. Those are the kinds of relationships I know we can foster, and I love helping others forge them. In short, the life I aspire to have isn’t sick and driven by fear, but by love…it surpasses wellness, and aims to thrive.
So what’s the difference?
In my eyes, I see the journey to health as a continuum, not a point of arrival and definitely not something that can be attained by living in fear. The first step of a lifelong goal is often the most difficult, but if we are not willing to take that step, how can we go the distance and live the life we are destined to live? We are all born to thrive, but thriving takes risk and a deep love for ourselves and others.
I gave some thought to what the sickness to thriving continuum looks like and came up with this:
Sickness - We feel fully dependent on others, don’t understand where our strength comes from, and look to others to help us understand or solve problems. There’s no accountability, and rarely will there ever be. We feel helpless and scared.
Moving Toward Wellness - We can manage on our own and value our independence, sometimes to a fault. We keep the focus on ourselves, our own routines and progress, and manage our own lives, but often without the understanding of how we affect or could help others in the big picture. This is moving in the right direction, but is arguably a very selfish phase. It only helps the individual.
Thriving - We can manage our own feelings, understand our strengths and weaknesses, ask for help where we need it, and add to the lives of others. We can see what is ours to own and work on, and what strengths we have to be able to lead. This is where servant leaders shine, those who help uplift others to see their full potential and can help them achieve their goals together. This is where building community can occur, and that benefits everyone involved.
I’ve lived this continuum, even struggled with it at times, and am grateful for the community of people this clarity has brought to my life. One of these connections helped by collaborating with me on my blog this week. Joey Mitchell has a sharp, deep thinking brain, and a true story of resilience that inspires me to make the most of every day. The quote noted at the bottom of his email goes like this, and sums up one of my favorite qualities in people so well:
“The whole problem with the world is that fools
and fanatics are always so certain of themselves,
and wiser people so full of doubts.”
~Bertrand Russell
The beauty of not being sure is that we are always seeking knowledge, but that shouldn’t make us afraid to speak of what we’ve discovered. Joey embodies these qualities and I was grateful to have his sharp, knowledge-seeking brain contribute here this week.
The parallels between the current mainstream narrative and codependent relationships run through my head daily. How many times have I learned that the way forward is to handle your own business, that you can’t control other people? And how many times have we each re-learned how to let go of what is truly out of our hands? I also know that when we are afraid, we make decisions that make us live smaller, squander our potential, and even keep us in relationships that hinder our growth.
Think of what the news tells people on a national basis: “Be afraid,” “we may shut you down again,” “you don’t have control over your life and your own destiny.” This doesn’t produce a society that cares for one another and promotes health, it turns people against each other and makes them more protective of themselves and ultimately they get tired and look for someone or something to come and save them. Life is full of risks, it’s impossible to plan and prioritize for just one.
I don’t want to play small, think small, or be small and create a society that isn’t equipped to support each other. Not being sick isn’t enough to ask of this American life, we are all capable of thriving, but it starts with the mindset that produces our culture. We write our own stories, we connect by sharing them, and when we thrive, we bring those willing to listen and discuss them by forging community, and that’s when we really show how much we care for one another. The current narrative leaves people out in the cold waiting for someone to come deliver a blanket that won’t cover their feet. As imperfect as we are as individuals and a country, nothing great will happen if we don’t celebrate common values and work from our strengths to build something greater together. The stories from the mainstream media do not do that.
I’ve learned, that to be an American is to understand the subtle differences between freedom and liberty. While I value my freedom, I understand the beauty of liberty even more. Liberty is living with freedom in our hearts and minds, but having an understanding about how those choices impact others. Understanding, celebrating, and exercising liberty as Americans can only happen when we are moving toward thriving on the wellness continuum. The closer we are to thriving, the clearer that picture will be, and the more we can encourage others not just to merely to survive, but to truly live.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Perfect song from my 2021 Spotify Favorites;)
It took a little work and a few conversations, but I had my mind settled comfortably around spending Thanksgiving on my own. Thankfully, being thankful is not something I save for one day of the year, and although I wrote from Hawaii last week and am thankful for the experiences in life that blow my mind, I count my blessings for the heat in my house and the gas in my car daily…warmth, mobility, and freedom.
It’s an off year, so I didn’t have my kids on Thanksgiving but they were coming home on Friday, and it didn’t feel worth battling traffic or airport crowds to make that turnaround happen. I’ve noticed no matter how much my mind is able to say a holiday or birthday is “just another day” it takes more processing to get myself to really believe it. But just in time, I got my mind to that peaceful place and was looking forward to a quiet day in front of my fire with my favorite books, settled in, no turkey, no traffic…then my friend Guy extended an invite that felt right and I found myself sitting next to a great grandmother at their dinner table. As we started talking, there was a sense of something familiar about her, she told me about her five sisters, her 90 years on earth, and pointed out her great grandchildren across the room.
“When’s your birthday?” I asked
“December 10.” She answered.
Mine is too. We were kindred spirits. And I had to give myself a moment to imagine what it must be like to look at a room full of people that had so much less experience in life, but you now rely on to help make every day happen. The circle of life takes active participation from all of us, and it was happening throughout this home.
Guy has four kids too, so we have a lot of common ground to cover, like how it all goes so fast. Both of us understand, especially as they get older, that parenting is more modeling, less speaking, because for teenagers and young adults so much has to be risked and experienced for them to grow on their own. It’s literally the hardest part of parenting. For the last few weeks I have felt the heavy lift of my goal to break generational patterns of alcoholism, codependency, and all the baggage that comes with it. As I continue on my own wellness journey, I love connecting with people who have patterns I can learn from. Here are a few things I experienced this spontaneous Thanksgiving:
Families come together in many different ways. It’s beautiful when they show up with love for both their differences and their sameness.
Faith builds resilience that surpasses human frailty. Keep praying.
If you are an adult, know yourself and lead with love. Let the kids be the kids.
For all you hear in the news these days, it was a blessing to be in a space for Thanksgiving filled with these women who make things happen no matter what challenges they’ve come up against in their lives. My almost 91 year old birthday twin Laura, Guy’s mother Florence, a force of an 85 year old woman who stood over a foot shorter than me, and the other women in this completely new environment, gave me more hope than I even knew I needed that wonderful and loving families rise out of the chaos of life if we are strong enough to lead and keep the faith. They say wisdom is pattern recognition, and I grew a little bit wiser this Thanksgiving surrounded by tough and loving women. This beautiful blended family has a story that is not mine to tell, but it was wonderful to be a part of it for an evening. Here’s to embracing the holiday season with no expectation of what it needs to look like, and with complete trust that there is always something more to learn, and even more to celebrate.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Some new piano and lyrics for Christmas:)
The first time I visited a spa I was 24. It was for my sister’s 21st birthday and I marveled at the calm that I felt after three days there. Looking back, that was my first glimpse at what it felt like to balance an overstimulated sympathetic nervous system. I had been a fearful kid, my optometrist uncle saw what are known as “worry lines” in my eyes in the third grade. I desperately wanted to hold on to the serene feeling that I had after three days of yoga, meditation, massages, and deep sleep in the most comfortable beds with pillows that perfectly cradled my head. The tension melted from my neck and shoulders and I wanted to know how I could hang on to this zen feeling when I re-entered regular life. I had no idea how that could be possible. It’s funny to think that at that point in my life, I wasn’t a mom and had 20 years fewer miles and experience on my body and mind…and yet was already craving that rebalance.
In the years after that first visit to the spa, I’m grateful to have had plenty of soul-restoring slow downs that brought me back to that blissful state, where my heart rate slows, my breath flows deep and easy, my mind is clear, and my aptitude for learning sky rockets. Some have had big price tags, others are daily rituals that are virtually free. One of these experiences has been this past week, doing little to nothing except write, read, walk, exercise, and eat fresh delicious food with my dearest friend Elizabeth on the big island of Hawaii with much thanks to the generosity of my mom and dad. Elizabeth is the cleaning to my cooking, the detail to my big visions, and the note taking to my listening ear and we could travel the entire world together and never tire of each others company.
As I look back, this restorative path that I have sought, attracted, and craved was something I long felt guilty about. Even when I’m not on vacation, as an adult, I have sought a healing path dotted with chiropractors, acupuncturists, somatic healers, a yoga practice, and research on every type of recovery I can come across and the people I have met in this walk of life have become dear friends. I understand now that I feel my connection to the earth and the world around me on an even deeper level than mind, body, and spirit, and being wired that way takes a lot of care to sustain a healthy and purposeful path. I also believe, and now science has shown, that recovery should be emphasized as a priority on any high performing path because burnout is the enemy of sustainable success. Proper challenges, combined with strong recovery strategies, will increase our potential and performance over time and we don’t even have to take long vacations to access many of these ways of being (although if a vacation is available to you, I highly recommend the reset). The research I have done on recovery methods has led me to better sleep hygiene, nutrition, meditation, infrared and near infrared light exposure, yoga, acupuncture, talk therapy, music, and understanding the importance of deep connection with people in my life. Recovery in itself requires discipline and has helped me push my limits, understand myself better, and be better for the relationships with the people that I love and care for. If you are looking to level up in the game of life, start looking for the reasons you avoid recovery and scope out some protocols that would be easy and enjoyable to mix into your routine. If you need help with this search, let me know. It may feel like an uncomfortable sacrifice of productivity at first…but discomfort is a great catalyst for growth.
The truth is, our ability to propel ourselves to new heights and create sustainable flow in our lives, is directly related to the state of our nervous system and our ability to recover. Today I know I’m not a bliss junkie who wants to be on a perpetual vacation, just that that the yin energy in my life creates a home in my body where I can stay awhile.
As Ferris Bueller famously quoted:
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
We honor the first half of our life when we are able to wink knowingly at the good and unlearn what didn’t serve us, and then see what we can inspire others to understand that has helped us along the way. The more mindful, calm, well slept, and unrushed I become, the deeper my connection grows to what is possible.
Thanks mom and dad for this time in paradise, my mind is clear and refreshed and that will have a ripple effect that extends far and wide.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
This song from one of my favorite bands was released with perfect timing
As we inched our way into the gym last weekend, past vaccination checks and metal detectors, to watch Stanford Men’s Volleyball in their second preseason tournament since the program was reinstated last May, it was glaringly apparent to me how much our world has changed. If you would have told any of us two years ago that to move through the world to connect with others, enjoy art, listen to music, or watch sports, would require mandatory testing, shots, and face masks, or that people would lose their jobs because they chose not to take a shot to reduce to the risk of contracting a deadly virus, most American’s would have thought you were reading from the pages of a dystopian novel.
And yet here we are. There is a political firestorm around all of these topics every time we open a newspaper, turn on the TV, or listen to current events podcast, and the debates loom large. Instead of framing things in terms of political power, I look at these issues from a mindset perspective. Fear and scarcity are low vibrations that turn people against each other and fail to inspire cooperation in communities. An abundance mindset inspires people to come together and perform at their best for the good of themselves and the whole. One of my favorite stories from corporate America comes from Delta Airlines. They didn’t mandate, but rather encouraged, their employees to get the shot, and an amazing 95% of the employees did so. Americans on average are a caring, compassionate bunch who believe in taking care of their neighbors. We like pitching in and being part of something bigger than ourselves. But a vortex of fear takes hold every time we turn on the news and, while it’s important for us to listen and learn from to the stories of others, it’s also critical to our health that we don’t live a fear based existence trying to ward off one of the millions of risks that are inherent to a life well lived. As a parent, I am much more afraid every time I watch Matthew grab his boogie board and walk down to the ocean without me than I am of any of us contracting and dying from this terrible virus. I let him go because it trains his independence and sharpens his life skills, and I breathe through it every single time.
Coming back to last Saturday, as Matthew, my friend Allison, and I inched through the line to get inside and watch the team, I could feel the loss of freedom to move through the world with the ease that we used to. Between terrorism and the pandemic, the simple freedoms that we have lost in the name of safety that were once second nature to us, and made it easier for us to care for ourselves are many. Gone are the days of bringing in a water bottle to hydrate yourself over the course of a day. Forget bringing a backpack, or even a purse, to hold the work that you could do should any down time happen, or to organize keys, glasses, the coffee mug that got you through the morning, or a book to educate yourself about whatever new topic you wanted to learn about that day. These situations feel stark, sterile and untrusting and create a lot of second guessing and stress…especially if you are a rule follower like me. As we continued up the stairs and away from the security line, you would have thought the mask mandate signs changed to “please have a mask securely tied around your wrist”. Regardless of what you believe about mask protection, it’s frustrating to jump through hoops for no real protection or gain, and realize that many of the situations we have to plan for these days are there for legal reasons more than the actual protection of human life.
COVID has been terrible for many, just as 9/11 was before that, but I miss being able to plan and choose how to move through the world, using empathy and compassion that has always been a part of my personality and genetic make up, without second guessing, or judgment. Our freedoms have been impacted in ways we never would have imagined and we intimately know what it feels like to live in fear of the unknown. Never has it been more clear that there is risk inherent in living and it will always vary from place to place and person to person, it’s the very essence of being mortal. There is no way to make that risk universal. As Americans we need to be able to make choices that fit our own risk profile. We can’t cover America in a warm blanket and avert it all. Life will always give us reason for caution, I’ve lived on the heavy side of caution my whole life. But a mindset of fear and scarcity will never serve human connection and potential, and yet it is there every time we venture out or turn on the news now. When we are fearful, our light in the world dims. We play small, take shortcuts, and even blame others in an attempt to feel safe. Then we start to doubt the positive effect our choices and life can have on the world, and instead of empowering ourselves and inspiring others, we look to be saved. The policy debate will make its way through the halls of Congress and the courts, but already today we know that fear will never create or produce what freedom will. There is no law that works better than transformation that happens from the inside out when we know how to connect with our own potential. What we need is an inoculation against fear based mentality so we can support each other and brave the risks of being human together.
Whether it’s an ending or a beginning is all a matter of perspective. Ironically, the first time I had this realization wasn’t after my divorce, it was as Lauren was graduating from high school. There were a lot of tears, it was the first of my four high school graduation milestones, now I’m two down and a third one next year, I know it’s heavy for a reason…change. But as so many situations in our lives, change is reframable and if we frame it right, it usually ends up moving us forward, and that is how I started to turn endings into new beginnings. And whether it was a child who grew up and moved away or the end of my marriage, when I looked at it as a new beginning, things began to heal and evolve. Some days it happened so slowly, it didn’t feel like healing at all. It felt like sitting on the couch and reading a book, or even laying on my bed and staring up at the ceiling until I fell asleep. But I learned how to tolerate, and then even began to cherish and enjoy the quiet. This week, I stumbled upon this quote from Yung Pueblo, a favorite Instagram writer of mine, and the words felt like a warm cup of coffee by the fire.
“A leap forward sometimes requires a cocooning period where you decrease the amount of interactions you have with other people and are less focused with your daily work. Moving slowly and turning your attention inward prepares you emotionally and energetically for the next level.”
That’s what I was doing. That’s what healing felt like to me. Whether it is your body, mind, or spirit (and often it is a combination of the three), healing requires us to turn inward and look at what actually needs to be healed. It brings us back to our foundation and asks us to look for cracks, and then find the ways that we can reinforce them to create a stronger foundation to build upon. This is the process that turns an ending into a beginning.
I remember sitting on the patio of my old house in 2016, a few days before Luke’s 14th birthday. My personal life was in a shambles, is there a better time to start a blog? It felt sticky and uncomfortable putting my words out there, but my purpose of generational healing was bigger than my fear. Since then, I have written well over 150 blogs…I haven’t stopped to count in a while, and now a blog a week feels easy. It feels like being me, instead of something I have to do, and that feeling has taught me a lot. Our life becomes our own when we understand that we have nothing to prove and everything to learn and become. Our struggle gives way to a beautiful flow if we learn to stay with it instead of pulling away or distracting ourselves, and these things are true at every level of the game of life.
In the next few weeks, my blog at The Optimists Journal is getting a new home. Stay tuned…there will be something for everyone who wants to be a little better every day and embrace healing for yourself and the generations that come after you. My blog will have the same name and intention, to inspire us to be better through relatable human stories from parenting, American life, sports, and relationships… but there will be so much more, to align your mind, body & spirit and become the greatest expression of yourself.
This is the next evolution, another new beginning, and a call for anyone on their path that wants to get better. More often than not, that path requires some cocooning. Go easy on yourself, take the time to rest and recover and figure out how to find joy and meaning in your life. Do what matters to you with grace for yourself and the people around you, then being you becomes easy. If you’ve ever wanted to be more of yourself, and step away from what anyone else thought you “should” be, you are going to like this new place. Can’t wait to show it to you;)
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
One of my favorites - This song captures so much about the healing process.
P.S. - My friend Jason and I met up on his Podcast, The Option, this week and talked Dave Chapelle, John Gruden, and how to heal from deep trauma and come out stronger and ready to help others. This one isn’t for the kids…Jason swears like the kid from Brooklyn that he is. But his independent thinking and vision for what he wanted this podcast to be is what the world needs right now and I enjoyed every bit of this conversation.
Here is the link to our conversation.
I went to the opening night Laker game this week and as much as I appreciate my alone time, I love being in spaces with energy, athleticism, and the star spangled banner. There is a feeling being around people you don’t know, it’s filled with potential and excitement, and I noticed how long it had been since I had felt that. Over the time I have written my blog, I’ve learned that nothing in life is random, that every chance encounter with another person is full of possibility and could be the source of the next great story. Curiosity about other people, what their experiences are like, and what makes them tick is the ground floor for uniting people, which is something our country feels like it is looking for, even if we don’t always know how to act to make that happen. Beyond the joy of watching athleticism on display, what I have always loved about sports is the ability they have to bring people together…and that’s exactly what I felt at that game on Tuesday night.
I used to think that all the things that catch my eye, or more likely my wandering brain, were unrelated, but now I see them as my own unique story, and I’m not afraid to tell it. Even if someone tells me they don’t get it. Lately my mind has come back to the intersection of mindfulness and the politics, two topics of interest for me, but when I’ve tried to explain my thoughts on the intersection of the two to people, most of them have responded by saying:
“Wendy, those two things couldn’t be more opposite.”
But the way I see it, the corporate world is embracing mindfulness more and more amongst their workforces, and I’ve experienced firsthand the way mindful pursuits can change a home environment, so why shouldn't the people wielding power, and the citizens that have the conversations on contentious issues, look at following the same path? It seems to me it would make our interactions and connections much more positive and meaningful. Here are a few reasons why:
Mindfulness teaches us to recognize our ego, and where it may be overzealously driving the boat. If we can stop feeling so protective of ourselves and our way, we will be more receptive and less threatened by the thoughts of others. We will be able to blend, compromise, and learn while we still have a deep understanding of our own stances and beliefs. As my dad put it in a text to me: “Politics is the art of listening to others, not yourself, and incorporating what you hear into your policy that you also support.” It doesn’t feel like we have a lot of that spirit running through our Capitol’s these days. In learning to slow down our minds, maybe that could change.
Mindfulness teaches us to recognize fear based thinking. All too often, in politics and the ensuing policy, the ideas that we encounter come from a fear based approach to life. Being able to slow down our thoughts helps us recognize our motivation for the feelings we have and the decisions we make because of it. Mindfulness reduces anxiety and helps us feel safe in our bodies, which always gives us a better picture to make a decision.
We need to set an example for the next generation about how to have compassion, evolve, and get along with people who have different opinions than our own without caving in to fear of rejection, being immediately offended or hurt by what we think other people think of us. Mindfulness helps us create a strong sense of self that will create a more resilient spirit, thicker skin, and the discernment to know when to challenge and when to pull back or compromise on an issue. The next generation needs to see a greater example of this than what we have been showing them.
I was heartened this week when my favorite podcast came out on Wednesday and it was an enlightened conversation between Dr. Michael Gervais and Dr. Amishi Jha. Dr. Jha, among other important positions, is the Director of Contemplative Neuroscience for the Mindfulness Research and Practice Initiative and her work has been featured at NATO, the World Economic Forum, and The Pentagon. Those qualifications more than caught my eye…maybe it is happening. The conversation had it’s roots in exactly the place my mind has been swirling for some time. The synergy can’t be ignored…the optimist in me tells me we are due for a shift. We are a country capable of gathering to celebrate and relate together. As Dr. Mike put it so well:
“Extraordinary performance is counter to our natural impulses, so it takes incredible training.”
It’s time to take that training from athletic arenas and the corporate world and bring it to the Capitols to change the dialogue between both the power brokers and the citizens of our great country.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
Saturday listening from one of my favorites;)
Every day that I dig into the news, my synapses fire like crazy, and I analyze and want to know more about so many stories. Often I don’t have time to go all the way down the rabbit hole, so I have learned to employ the adage that you don’t have to know everything to say something. Life experience, critical thinking, and good intention go a long way, and I’d rather live in a world that knows how to express itself, as well as listen to different perspectives. So with that said, the John Gruden story caught my ear this week…
From a high level view, leaders are responsible for the culture they create. Gruden is a leader, the standard is and should be high. Given the email conversations that were released, whether you see them as conversations between a close knit group of guys or professional correspondence, these were not his finest moments. If I said those words, they would hurt coming out of my mouth, and coming from the information released, they didn’t for him, so it’s a clear that there was ‘a way’ between these guys that made that kind of talk normal. From a more global perspective, these words and attitudes certainly don’t build inclusive culture. But the standard of judgment should be the same across the board and it’s not. When I hear music with lyrics that are sexually explicit, mysogonistic, or racial in any way, it always jars my system. As humans though, people show who they are over time reap the rewards or suffer the consequences of those actions. In almost every respect, no one should be defined by one day or moment in their lives, but patterns prove a point. The NFL has had many issues that run deep ranging from domestic violence, entitlement culture, and bigotry of many kinds, Gruden’s words are just the tip of the iceberg in the hierarchy of too many power structures. If we were to comb email accounts across this country for the past 10 years, we would find a lot of demeaning language and human frailty emerge. No one is perfect, but the bigger question is why do we say offensive things and how can we evolve past so that our words and our values line up more often.
Mindfulness is the key to real inclusion. When we are able to slow our mind down and better regulate ourselves emotionally, our words and our values will align more often. When we are triggered or upset, we make statements and express ourselves in ways that cause pain to others. The more mindful we become, we feel the pain that these words cause to ourselves as well.
Just because something has “historically been this way” doesn’t mean it should stay this way. That is the key to evolution and enlightenment. But the standard should be the same for everyone. It is incumbent upon each of us to break whatever harmful norms are part of our past or culture and see the way forward that brings people together, no matter what their differences.
Anytime two groups are pitted against each other as the oppressed and the oppressor, there will be a sense of entitlement and of hopelessness and victimization, and neither perspective serves anyone’s long term growth. I liked a point I heard recently from Ryan Holiday on this podcast (around minute 36) about the difference between responsibility and accountability. Our responsibility is to understand where we came from and how to make it better, but we are not accountable for the decisions of people who lived 300 years before us. If we understand this difference it is where healing takes place.
Gruden is both responsible for his words, and a scapegoat for a bigger cultural problem. Until we take it upon ourselves to build a culture that has the ability to lift everyone, regardless of where generations before us have been, there will be division and the inability to connect with each other as human beings instead of members of segregated groups. I know firsthand that there are people out there who don’t talk like what we heard this week…we just don’t talk about them. What’s the standard? And in the same breath I ask, how are we going to stop being so easily offended, because there isn’t one of us who hasn’t said something we aren’t proud of? Answer the question, am I elevating the conversation with my words and actions? If the answer is yes, keep going, if it’s no, then change it now, for yourself and everyone around you. The conversations I have every week as I connect with other people, often with opinions different from mine, prove to me that the stories of regular people are much better than the ones we hear in the news, and that’s why I take the time to speak, write, listen and get a little better every day.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
The best antidote for perfectionism is a commitment to be better one step at a time. No advancement is too small, no step insignificant. But those aren’t the moments we see as we scroll our social media feeds 10, 20, or 100 times a day. Because I am passionate about human potential and growth, almost every product that crosses my feed is related to potential and performance on some level. My friend and I joke that 'they' are listening to our conversations...the products that show up on our feeds right after we chat are just too well marketed for it to be a coincidence. The thoughts and quotes and perfect pictures of the highlight reel of life fill in the rest of the space, and you have the perfect recipe for overwhelm. And yet I come back every day, posting on my story daily, taking part in the great social experiment that is Facebook and Instagram.
I do many other things to guard my consciousness and discipline my thought process but Monday, my mind was clear after a workout and the full realization that Facebook and Instagram were down hit me, and I paused to take it in. I noticed the slowdown in my brain and it felt blissful. I went back to a time when it was just me, and the connections that I made with people were one on one, which are still my favorite kind. I love uncovering layer after layer of someone’s story, when they are ready to tell it. Compared to that experience, social media feels jarring and shallow. The irony with all this sharing of information about our lives, is that we are lonelier as a population than we were in the past, not something that I would attribute solely to social media, but definitely a contributing factor. I texted my kids and a few other college students asking them if they had any thoughts on the matter…I got back some sarcastic jokes…”it’s the end of the world mom”, which of course made me laugh out loud, I know they have enough papers to write so when I ask these questions I don’t actually expect a deeply philosophical response. One of them chimed in saying that she and her roommates had been talking about it, checking their phones over and over again, to see what they were missing, noting how conditioned they had become to want to see whatever was coming across their feed first, in short order, before it became old news.
Behaviorally, most of us are guilty of the mindless scrolling that keeps us procrastinating, numbing whatever thought or feeling may be ailing us at the moment with that dopamine hit that comes from our feed, or feeling a sense of overwhelm as ideas, pictures, and products fill our consciousness. It’s no surprise that the growing interest in mindfulness practice coincides with our social media addiction. The first is trying to help us return to ourselves, the latter, especially if we don’t participate in the first, is pulling us away. Then when you couple the thought that the algorithm is dividing us, grouping us with like minds rather than exposing us to different views or opposing ideas, we are understanding less, with shorter attention spans than we had in the past. I wonder why the algorithm can’t be changed to do the opposite, so that we could be more easily informed of the flip side of an argument, the other side of the story, or an opinion different than our own. My mind always has a way of finding it’s way back to the optimistic side of life and because I believe in living exactly where my feet are planted today, social media is a part of that picture, so the question becomes how we handle it, rather than letting it handle us. Here are a few ideas and practices that I have come up with that help me keep it all in perspective:
Consciously choose the amount of time, and schedule the time you want to spend on scrolling or returning DM’s. With smartphones, we have all become accustomed to quick responses and having information at our fingertips and we forget that we are in charge of our schedules, and instead our impulses and buzzing alerts run our life. Before social media, there were other challenges that pulled on our ability to be present, this is just the latest one, and there will be more. So use the current reality to train the underlying habit of being present with the people around you, and dedicate specific time to build new connections that originate online.
Dedicate time, whether a hour or two or a day or a week to detoxing, consciously choose to stay off, and read a book or talk with a friend instead. Create real downtime for yourself and notice how your nervous system decompresses with the space you create between you and the social media universe.
Drill down on the connections that you are introduced to via social media. They may be the first layer of something that can become a passion. If you notice you don’t find interests that provide you with an avenue for growth on your feed, that is something you have the power to change just by paying attention to different things. Your feed is a snapshot of what captures your attention, if you don’t think it is helping you grow, change it.
In the end, I am so grateful for the real connection and learning that results from the time I’ve spent in this alternate dimension, because I pulled on the thread of an an initial introduction to a concept or human. The knowledge and friendships that have happened in this space for me have often led to profound understanding. Once again, life is what we make it by where we choose to focus. Honing that skill will always be important. I’ve made “friends” and learned things from their honest intention to help the world that would have been much harder for me to find and grasp without social media. Most of these are people I have never met, a few have I met in passing, and even fewer I have now shared meals with and turned into what I would call real connections. We live in an age of so much information, where it seems like the algorithm rules…keep thinking for yourself. Understand the current environment and find the courage to be you, independent of what the social stratosphere registers. The world needs your original thinking, don’t shy away from it.
When we look up from our scrolling, take a deep breath, and notice the real people and stories going on around us, we learn that they are always far from perfect but I’m drawn to them like a magnet. So post the highlights, but know that we are so much deeper and richer for the moments in life that we will never post, where our character is tested and real growth happens. The foundation of real optimism lies in how we react in the most ‘unpostable’ moments and our ability to adapt to the truth that life will never be perfect, but can always be better…sometimes in the tiniest steps, and others in giant leaps. Once we know this, we’ll experience a million moments that are worthy of our highlight roll…whether that’s the one in our head, or we decide to share it is completely up to us.
With Love & Optimism,
Wendy
Of all my favorite things in life, a great conversation is at the top of the list. Meeting new people and hearing their stories has become one of my favorite things, and when I’m out, my ears are open all the time for the possibilities. I love expansive, unguarded straight talk. Not the reckless, I’m going to shoot from the hip kind of talk, but the type that isn’t afraid to speak out of fear of judgment. I am always ready to hear a new story, and most of the time when I do, the charge I get energizes my own journey and inspires me to keep going. Let’s face it, there are so many situations in life that can put our backs up against the wall, but man are we a resilient bunch. We are wired for this kind of connection, and we won’t get as far down our path as we should, if we don’t know who to trust, learn from, and have the courage to share and connect with those people that come into our lives. And then after a few of these conversations, I’m good for a little introvert retreat and reset and I couldn’t be more grateful for the space I have created for myself and my kids with the calm and grounded energy that makes me feel at home.
Given how much I value human connection, I was in the zone this week. Wednesday I had the chance to record a great dialogue with Olympian and new mom, Carli Lloyd, about empathy, connection, and the hopes we have for our kids in this world today. And then, Friday night, I found myself in my own neighborhood, recording a podcast called Drinks on Saturday, with two new friends, Joey, who I met on the 4th of July, when I showed up at a party, by myself, knowing no one except the host who invited me, and Mike who I only met when I showed up to record. I promise to share it when it comes out because it was a blast! These are the kinds of situations I find myself in these days because of this eyes up, ears open experience I am learning to live. It gives me a good read on curious people who embrace life and live it a way that makes the world smaller and more connected. Joey and Mike are asking some big questions and trying to make the world a little better through connection and conversation. And truthfully, I haven’t met a memory bank on American history and current events like the one Joey has! We had a two plus hour chat on everything from parenting to mindset & politics, and whether it was a Friday or a Saturday, that was my way to spend an evening! That is what I love about the world of podcasting…its a gold mine out there!!
Here are five takeaways from my conversations and listening this week:
Drastic Changes don’t last, take small steps, celebrate little victories.
EQ is as important as IQ, the way the world is going, maybe more important.
Recklessness is opposite of cowardice, courage lies in the middle. Learn to be discerning.
Focus on how you want to live your life, rather than how others should live theirs.
Your mindset is the difference between being the victim and the victor in your own life.
I’ve been going back through my blog gathering insight from my thoughts to add to a my next book. I am convinced we have so much to learn from each other, we have to keep talking. Trust your gut, and when it tells you the moment is right, open your ears and listen, and then share your own experience…I promise you’ll find connection and more inspiration for whatever life throws your way.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
The song from the Release Radar that keeps giving me the chills this week…
Photo Credit: Anthony Moore - @amoorephoto_
Once a month I open my eyes in the middle of the night and the moon is streaming in, bright as daylight. The full moon always feels ungrounded and chaotic, illuminating even brighter all the things I already know I can’t control like my kids safety, the inevitable aging process, earthquakes, other people’s happiness….the list goes on and on. Since I was in college I have slept with the curtains at least cracked, no matter what I learn about the best environment for good sleep, I’ve always liked to wake up with natural light, so the full moon cycle is part of the process. I hate alarm clocks…I only set them if there is a plane to catch at a before dawn hour and never have trouble waking up. But this back pain was a game changer, it left me feeling foggy, unable to sleep, and groggy with the sunrise…for two months. And the world started to go a little gray. My vision was cloudy, everything sounded hard, I didn’t feel social, but then in the next moment felt lonely. I’d been to acupuncture, chiropractor, orthopedist, I was trying to figure things out, it felt like it was taking forever to get any relief. I thought I was having trouble with my mind and outlook because I couldn’t exercise, but a week after getting a steroid epidural injection to ease the pain, and still with no volleyball or hot yoga under my belt yet, I realize that the trouble wasn’t the workout schedule, it was the pain, which was turning chronic because it had no end in sight. And I’m here to tell you pain killers are not the answer. By Saturday last weekend, the sky was a new shade of blue and I found myself venturing out to Venice Ball in Venice Beach and The Wedge in Newport Beach on Sunday. The cloud that was hanging over me had lifted and my eyes could see clearly again. My perspective on chronic pain has changed with my own experience, and I’m certain this isn’t the last experience I will have with it, so while this epidural is taking the edge off and I’m learning new exercises to strengthen all the little muscles in my lower back, my glutes, and hips, I’m also thinking about how my body has taught me more about life again.
Take note of this feeling and be there for others when you see them going through it. I can be hard if we don’t pay attention and ask a few disarming questions because more often than not, people don’t raise their hand and say, “I’m suffering from pain.” I feel better equipped to listen for the little things or look for the signs and understand now how the smallest things can make a difference. A back rub, groceries, or a ride somewhere can go a long way. Not to mention, being of service to someone else is also one of the quickest ways to lift your own spirit and take your mind off any of your own pain. I don’t mean fixing…just showing the love and connecting through the experience.
There is no point in comparing pain. Handle what’s in front of you, don’t hide or distract yourself from it. It’s here to teach you something about yourself and the way you fit in this world. Just like any other comparison in life, how your pain measures up against anyone else’s doesn’t matter. What matters is how you take care of yourself and listen to your body through the experience. Attempts to ignore or mask it will only make it worse, have it come back stronger, or create new pain that ultimately needs to be dealt with. Stare it down and do the next right thing to deal with it then you will be equipped to help others too.
Don’t keep pushing toward burnout, those are real and dark days. Let yourself slow down in the ways that you can, no guilt. I’ve rediscovered my love for novels through this pain. I love to read, but had been on non fiction for awhile, but stories were one of the only things that helped take my mind off my back. Even now that I’m feeling better, novels will be a lasting habit.
Growth and meaning are always found in life when we take the next brave step forward, no matter how small or how slow. As my wise chiropractor Frank pointed out to me, pain will slow you down, even cause a momentary side step or two, before you can go forward again, but just like the moon every month, there is a cycle to everything in this life. The most important thing is not to get stuck in any particular one or we lose our connection to ourselves and the impact we can make in the world.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
The world is back in full swing. Morning routines, schedules, pressure to perform according to the clock, the calendar, the grades, and the score, are mounting again. As unsettling as this pandemic down time has been, I always knew there was a part of me that would miss the slower pace, the kids being around and a closeness to the simple that I always find a way to appreciate. There wasn’t a day that I wasn’t grateful for the people in my life, the roof over my head, the gas in my car, or the food in my fridge. In such a crazy time fraught with so much uncertainty and sadness, there was peace in the simplicity that my soul craves. It’s the simple things that are the biggest blessings…everything else is icing on the cake. Now the morning is back to getting out the door, traffic, and the dog looking at me by 9 am like “where did everyone go?” while the cats rejoice that everyone has left.
Returning to the regular school year calendar has made me reflect on the milestones of the past years. Having four very different kids makes each journey of time different. Their interests, abilities, and habits all reflect their experiences in life and influence our relationships in ways that I learn from as each day passes. I was a gym mom for my first two, a place I felt most in my own element, even though they face so much more pressure at a young age with the levels they have propelled themselves to than I ever did, something I am in awe of one moment, and then wondering if it’s too much the next. The second two look so different, embracing theatre, surfing, and animals, but with the same work ethic and care for what they do and how they do it. I see the edges of perfectionism creeping in with all they have been through, wanting so much to live up, fill up, please, and experience life…and yet my desire to help them each create calm order in their lives and understand themselves and their gifts in a way that doesn’t need extra validation is my highest calling. No matter how different the activities look, the underlying current of what I want them to understand about life is the same.
We are all good at something, and discovering this is the key to knowing yourself on the deepest level. Keep searching and follow the threads, nothing is insignificant. No one needs to validate your vision except for you, but I’m right here anytime to talk you through it.
Learn to be alone with your thoughts and have the courage to explore them. It can feel lonely and even scary at times, but the ability to be alone is the foundation of what will make your future relationships flourish.
Have the courage to listen and seek intimacy with others. Despite how social media wants to train us, this life is not a show for others, it is a series of individual connections that add significance to our lives. Real connection with one human being will always be greater than a million likes.
Patience and persistence pay off, shortcuts are usually dead ends. There is so much pressure out there to perform to the world’s standard. You feel enormous pressure to get good grades, be the best on the team, and have people like you, but burnout is a real thing at a younger and younger age. Check in with yourself in those quiet moments and keep coming back to what you really want out of this life. Don’t feel afraid to ask for help if you are feeling stressed or alone. We all need it from time to time.
Forgive, it is always a lesson learned. It can change the relationship you have with another, but it will always teach you more about yourself and make your life fluid and lighter.
You can speak your mind without being the loudest one in the room…sometimes you can even do it without words. Body language, learning to carry yourself with confidence, head held high, owning your vibe and your values instead of going with the flow is what makes life over the long haul great.
Learn to express your emotions without them dictating your day and mood.
No one (except your mom) can love you more than you love yourself.
The cool thing about parenting is that the things I learn through teaching them I am still learning on deeper levels every day myself. They are my greatest gift and inspiration to keep getting better. No matter what else I seek to accomplish in this life, the sun rises and sets with the values, safety and love I am able to pass on to them.
With love & optimism,
Wendy
I found this because I am slightly obsessed with John Mayer’s new album…but this is an old one;)
