Some days it seems there isn’t enough hot tea in the world for my life because learning to honor the slowdown and keep pace with adulting is so hard. My kettle is getting tired, but herbal tea is often my best solution for the chaos that comes through. 

My life lets me live the precept: 

“Treat everyone with kindness, you have no idea the fires they have burning.” 

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It cannot be said enough, from the outside looking in, there is no way any of us can know what is going on inside someone else’s life. But I have also discovered that life is not an outside looking in experience anyway.  Real connection and growth comes from within, asks us to define and live our values and stop caring what everyone else thinks anyway. Despite the places I’ve been and the mistakes I’ve made, I am grateful that the exposure to challenging experiences has helped me discover the well of calm and strength that lies within me and I know that although I can’t access it 100% of the time, there is no better place to parent from.  

A few weeks ago I wrote about my divorce.  Reflection and eight years of time passed has allowed me to grow roots that I would have never had otherwise. Now I am able to help other people navigate through these treacherous waters from a place of compassion and calm and one of the topics that comes up so often, and still daily for me, is parenting.  While I believe that in some situations there are  benefits of co-parenting after divorce, my experience is that authentic parenting is at the heart of healing, and sometimes we have to discover that standing on our own two feet. At the crux of this decision is having a firm understanding of what real co-parenting feels like and when the concept is being flipped and is the attempt to co-parent is actually a mechanism of control.  

When my divorce took effect, my kids were ages 16-9, so I do realize there is a different reality if you are dealing with younger children. The tenet that remains the same is that the best parenting is centered around your value system and a deeply defined sense of self  - if you have this you will be able to see when to co-parent and when it is being used to control a situation with the kids.  That can be a tennous thing in the midst of such ground shaking change in your own life, but there are things you can do to ground yourself in reality and enhance your own self awareness and skills from listening to podcasts, taking courses, or coaching and other healing modalities that will help you find the strength to help your kids move forward and become stronger through the struggle of single parenting. 

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Here are some takeaway tips that I have learned through my life path, coaching, podcast conversations and so many other healing pathways I have explored that have broadened my vision and deepened my roots so that I can parent from a place of strength.  We have a podcast coming out next week that I can’t wait for you to hear with Marcus Aurelius Higgs, a Presence Coach for parents of preteens. His SHOWUP framework was rich with wisdom and practical tools for this stage of parenting. I will say, the battle is hard fought, not always won, and I am in it every single day. The stories are from inside the arena where I struggle every day, but I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. 

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Some Questions to Ask Yourself When Evaluating Whether you are Dealing with Co-parenting or Control Issues.

• Is this an actual safety issue?  This is a tough one, my anxiety around the safety of my kids is high. Staying grounded and having good communication with your kids is key.  Keep working to ensure that your gut is strong and healthy so that your mind can make good decisions.   
• Can you be yourself in a given co-parenting situation or do you have to play to old patterns? Maybe parenting wasn’t at the core of the issue when you divorced, but for whatever reason your relationship didn’t work out, there was an element of you that wasn’t the highest version of yourself.  Keep working towards accessing that, and if you can’t find it in the presence of your ex, find your strong footing first.  Life is always evolving. 
• Are the kids' best interests put first?  Kids are not our extensions, they need guidance on their path, not to adhere to ours.  Real co-parenting will always come from the space of finding your child's highest path, and sometimes that’s going to require sacrifice on your part.  It means making hard decisions, feeling the pressure, and ultimately giving them the room to grow - but even through the struggle I haven’t experienced anything in life more rewarding. 

I’ll close with some wise words from Divorce Attorney Ann Grant from her show THE DIVORCE HACKER. 

“Don’t worry about control, kids go where the love is.”  

Her words ring true in any co-parenting or single parenting journey.  If you are in it, I’m with you. For more of my perspective on parenting post divorce check out my Divorce Hacker episode with Ann Grant and feel free to reach out because it definitely takes a village.

With optimism,

Wendy

I wouldn’t have been able to write this eight years ago when he left. So much goes into rebuilding a life and it’s not linear. There have been many missteps and a lack of understanding of where I was at the time and why, but from the time it happened, I always had the question in my mind…how did I end up here?  Divorce is hard, but staying in a relationship that isn’t healthy is worse and I believe that we go through hard things in life not just so we can grow, but also so we can help other people.  

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I never knew that burnout after divorce was so prevalent but it makes sense to me now. After such a life throttling event, we are susceptible to the  complete mental, physical and emotional exhaustion that defines burnout. When you can’t engage or find joy in things that used to be meaningful it’s past time to take an assessment of where you are and how to bring connection back into your life.  For me it has involved holding myself to a standard of productivity in a quest to try and find myself that led me to the deep exhaustion that defines burnout. True healing is found in the ability to understand when to push and when to rest, all the while being present enough to bring focus to the circumstances that life brings us that we can’t control.  For me, with four kids that I love more than anything in this world, that is a lot of circumstance! Especially if you are the core parent. It is so important that you begin to heal, so you can help them from a place of strength.  There is so much that is dropped into your world that you have to handle on your own, so carving out time for yourself to be able to rest, think and feel is paramount in this process. 

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Through trial and error and over the last eight years walking this path, I have discovered some processes and philosophies  that help mitigate burnout, even on the days when it feels like the walls around you are crumbling.  In fact, sometimes the walls crumbling is a good thing…it just takes some time to see that. So if you are in the beginning stages of a breakup or divorce, and especially if you are parenting kids through it, I hope some of these thoughts will help.  

1. LEARN TO REPAIR YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM - This has been the #1 thing that has allowed me to restore myself after burnout and see the path forward for myself and my kids and key to that last point of regulating our emotions.  After a difficult relationship ends, you don’t even know how dysregulated your nervous system has become.  I have battled hypervigilance, anxiety, and depression at different times in the last eight years, and even before my divorce.  The truth is, the better we understand our nervous system, the earlier we can help our kids regulate theirs.  There are so many modalities out there that can help, many of which don’t cost a dime.  Grounding, yoga, mediation, journaling, hydration, good sleep hygiene, and healthy food choices have all made a difference for me.  Check out my course, High Performance Zen, to explore more about how I learned this for myself at Be Better Life.  

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Beyond that I would be remiss to say if you can invest in this process, acupuncture, infrared saunas, massage and body work like Rolfing, somatic work and talk therapy are all amazing ways to learn to regulate your nervous system and so you are able to integrate your body, mind and spirit and heal.  Most of all, find healthy ways to learn to honor your feelings without getting trapped in any stories that your mind is telling you.  There is always a way through, if you are willing to slow down and look and listen for it and from this place you will find a whole new flow. 

2. DISCOVER YOUR BACKSTORY TO FIND YOUR BEST STORY - This is the curiosity I had to uncover some of the patterns that my lineage created that lead me to a codependent relationship in the first place.  Look at it as a process in gaining wisdom to make things better going forward, it’s not a blame game.  Assume that people have always done the best they can with what they know and the hand they were dealt, and then know that better happens only when we keep learning about ourselves.  Once you discover these patterns and stories that have shaped your life thus far, the relationships you create in the future are so much more supportive and healthy and create the conditions for you and the people you love to thrive.  To dive more into your emotional backstory, check out Dr. Natacha Nelson’s online course, The Untamed Heart.

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3. CREATE A NEW BLUEPRINT.  So often in divorce, we realize we were attached to a blueprint, not a productive relationship.  Start to visualize and let the curiosity of new and different help you see that life can be done in so many different ways.  I do believe that human beings were meant to be together, we are social creatures, and if there is anything that I have learned on my podcast, What I Meant to Say,  it’s that people go farther and accomplish more  when they have a supportive relationship in their life but I have learned through my new blueprint that over the years, that support has come in many different types of relationships. 

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4. FORGET TYPE ‘A’, DISCOVER YOUR TYPE ‘BE’ - Like many of us with a traditional blueprint, I came from a world where Type A was celebrated. Proving, productive and externally motivated, but it is just our ego speaking much louder than it should.  It’s hard to battle that, but in the end if you don’t burnout is imminent.  Under those layers of conditioning and lack of self worth is the essence of your being, and anything that needs to be done will flow from there.  To find this place, begin with honoring consistency with small things that mean something to you or you know bring a state of relaxation and calm.  For me these things were yoga, church, and jumping in the ocean everyday.  I told myself, no matter how I was feeling, these things would be a part of my daily and weekly schedule.  What do you value, you have the time to make it happen. Nothing feels better than authenticity, sometimes it just feels scary to get there. 
5. GOOD PARENTING CAN’T HAPPEN FROM A PLACE OF GUILT - For me, this was one of the things that I had to discover over time. 

Wendy Jones with her youngest son, Matthew.

 The truth is, we can’t make up for the hurt that divorce causes, we can only show our kids how to heal and become healthy again.  Spoiling them with attention, money, things, lack of consequences only perpetuates the agony for them and burns you out as a parent.  Depending on custody arrangements you contend with different things, but whether you are split custody or the full time parent, learning to be your child's ally in the quest for their highest potential instead of their friend is invaluable. The best things take time to develop, including helping a child grow into an adult who isn’t entitled, needs instant gratification and understands how to regulate their own emotions.  For more parenting perspectives, head over to the Be Better Media’s Youtube: Parenting Playlist.

6. UNFOLLOW.  It’s been said  that comparison is the thief of joy. It may sound shallow, but it’s the world we live in and part of almost everyone’s day, so don’t follow your ex on social media.  It’s not productive or part of your path forward. If you haven’t already, unfollow, don’t watch and start to create the life that you envision for yourself without considering what they are doing.  You have a fresh start to create a life without comparison.  Take it.  Do it.

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I pass a wall everyday after yoga that has the words “You Are Enough” painted on it. Sometimes I still wrestle with it,  but more often than not now, it resonates deep and I find my flow through life’s ups and downs that I never would have imagined I would know how to handle. With each challenge, I see the Divine footprint in it all, and it calms me.  What  the art on the wall doesn’t have the space to say is by understanding that you are enough you unlock the  journey to authenticity that is the true meaning of your new beginning. Authenticity is  the true antidote to burnout, breathe it in, follow your heart, and find your bliss.   You are worth it. 

With optimism, 

Wendy