A picture popped up on my phone from Facebook this morning, one of those “five years ago today” memories. It was the year I skipped 6 man and drove up the coast with the kids. I wasn’t in the mood to play that year, staring down a divorce I didn’t want, but, looking back now, I remember that trip being an incredibly healing time. Me with them, in charge, confident, keeping my own schedule and creating the experience that I wanted to create. Instead of feeling sad, it felt free, like a massive decompression, a shift in my nervous system that let me breath deep, move slow, and believe I was going to be ok…away from the guilt, shame, and failure that I had been feeling. I was moving through it, and we were supporting each other through the tough stuff. It felt safe and real and I discovered that there aren’t two feelings I treasure more, because real love can be found in this place. It was my first adult realization that to get where I wanted to go I had to move through the pain.
Whether physical, mental, or emotional, pain comes to teach us something.
C.S. Lewis said:
“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains…”
Different than the emotional pain I had to find my way through five years ago, the pain I have been experiencing for the last three weeks is physical…sciatic nerve pain that leaves the deepest dull but persistent ache down my left leg most of the time. It’s only been three weeks and it has given me the slightest perspective on what chronic, nagging, pain does to our minds and spirits, it’s so much more than physical. It makes me want to go home instead of out, afraid that I won’t be able to do the things I love to do, makes my temper short and my mind foggy and then try and figure out what to do to get better. I stayed off the court for a few days and only felt worse, so I went out and played, and felt better. My blood needs to pump, I feel better when I’m moving. I’ve consulted all my trusted sources who help keep me feeling good from my massage therapist of 14 years Olga, Frank, my sage of a chiropractic orthopedist, and Amanda my amazing acupuncturist. I even had my therapist, who is also a trained Reiki healer, help me move some of this stagnant energy out of my body. I already spend a lot of time thinking about how grateful I am that I can have these cherished people in my life, they are all so much more than practitioners, they are my friends and we’ve built a bond on the path to health and healing. I can’t wait for you to hear from them in the conversations coming with my new website. Each one of them provided their healing ways and little by little this week the pain is getting better, but it’s not close to gone.
Just in time, I checked my calendar and saw that my last Reiki training with the most incredible group of women was set for this weekend. Since December, I have had the privilege to sit with a group of healing spirits once a month and learn about Reiki and other forms of energy healing. It’s hard to describe the peaceful and accepting feeling these women create, but tonight it takes me back to safe and real…no judgment, no secrets, no agenda, except to bring healing to body, mind, and spirit. And collectively they worked on my hurting leg and hip with their healing hands, and the stories, blocks, and battles that my life has created were part of this process. Pain is never about one thing, it gets its hooks in us and digs in deep and manifests in ways we could never anticipate. And while there is strength in carrying on, the love and healing is found by accepting and moving through it. If I can help you with Reiki healing, let me know. It really is amazing.
Yes, Monday I have a doctor’s appointment to get this hip and leg of mine checked out…but without the past ten days integrating these practices, I would only be treating the symptom, not the source of my pain. Too often these days, this is what we try to do; end the suffering by dulling what we feel. The stories of our lives live in our bodies, it’s our job to check in with them and find a safe space to work through them for ourselves and because pain has a ripple effect that lasts for generations. Pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you, I have learned a lot from mine this past week.
With love & optimism,