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I have a theory that keeps running through my head.  It is based both in self compassion and growth and goes like this:

When we are younger, we learn big things… how to talk, play, and relate with others, we find out what we are good at, and what we can do with those talents. Most of us follow a similar path with school, friends, and relationships, and paint the canvas of our life with big broad strokes. If we keep it within the navigational beacons, (thanks to my brother in law for coining that phrase) many of us get to a similar point in life.  As we get older though, little cracks start to form in our canvas and affect our daily life patterns and relationships, in large part because our subconscious patterns, that we haven’t taken any time to become aware of, begin to chip away at the days that once seemed so simple. The good news is, we get to make the decision anytime along the way, to acquire a finer paintbrush, and use it to create the little strokes that lead to greater self awareness. This is the brush that fills in these little cracks that have formed on the canvas of our life. If we do the work, we lead a more connected and expansive life. If we choose not to, the cracks weaken us and we end up living a much smaller existence just to survive it all. It’s up to us to decide if we want to go from the school art project that our mom hung on the fridge to a beautiful scene or landscape worthy of a great gallery. Contrary to what society or social media might led us to believe, that great gallery isn’t reserved for the most popular, but for those who decide to take on the challenge of knowing themselves better and uncovering the power of their story. It’s a brave process and sometimes painful in the short term, but as we have the courage to work through it, I believe we always come out better for it. Each of us is so unique, yet we also desire so much to connect and belong together. The only way to find that deep connection with others is to find it first within yourself by discovering your own uniqueness and the strength that lies within it. 

In 2020, I am growing my life design coaching to include curriculum that helps people uncover the power of their own story.  We each have unique gifts, the powers I have uncovered for myself in this process the last few years are the strength in my calm demeanor, and my ability to disarm and create genuine safety in conversations with others.  Uncovering these strengths and not being afraid to acknowledge them, and then learn to use them to help others, has been an empowering process.  As I build out a coaching curriculum that includes aspects of mind, body, and spirit, I can help people uncover the power of their own story to help them realize the path to their fullest reality.

Mind - Relationships, parenting, transitions, patterns of limiting beliefs; these are among my favorite runways to explore. Do you want to work on your relationship with yourself or others? Is there a transition, whether a new job, a move, or the beginning or ending of a relationship in your life?  Are you trying to create a happier, more productive home with your children? I have experience in all of these areas and a non judgmental listening ear.

Body -  Sleep, Nutrition, Movement, Recovery...they are all part and parcel of a healthy life.  Are you looking to feel better, lighter, or more fit in 2020.  All of these major areas of health in our lives can be broken down into small manageable steps that lead to a sustainable game plan to a healthier, happier you and there are practical tools to make this process successful. 

Spirit - Our spirit is about connecting with things that we cannot see but can definitely feel If we are open to it.  Are you blocking the good things in life that are yours with negative energy? Are you speaking to yourself in a way that affirms your best life? Do you recognize a power in the universe that is bigger than yourself? Connecting to something greater than us is one of the most compassionate ways to view your own story.  

Life is not happening to you, it’s happening for you.

Your self awareness is the key to unlock your fullest potential and 2020 is all about your vision being clear. You have all of the answers, but sometimes it helps to have a fresh look at the situation to understand where your mind might be getting stuck.  A coaching session with me is a calm place where my clients are free to dialogue about where they are today, where they want to go, and what, if anything, is standing in their way.  I use my trained, non judgmental ear to help you discover more about yourself and the answers that work for you.  Sometimes it’s the tiniest brush strokes on our canvas that make the biggest change in our picture.  I understand that safety and belonging are among our most important needs as human beings and strive to provide that environment in each coaching session. 

If you want to uncover the power of your own story in 2020, click here.  Here’s to staying present but also to the excitement about all this new decade has to offer any of us willing to put in the work.

There is a picture on my bookshelf of a quote that I like. It reads:

“She needed a hero, so she became one.” 

For most of my life I would have said that sounds like someone who is full of themselves…today I say it’s the quote of someone who has challenged themselves to find the power in their own story and sees the beauty in anyone else who wants to take control of theirs. The twists and turns of my life have caused me to wrestle with some big narratives, whether it was my shyness, or finding my core values in an less than traditional family set up, life is better the more we understand ourselves how know how we want to show up in the world. But, because I have examined my patterns and thoughts, I have found a level of connection, kindness, and calm that produce a deep level of contentment on most days. So many thoughtful conversations come from considering your own steps and observing others and then knowing what questions to ask. The nature of the narratives of our lives is that they are personal, what is true for one story, may not work for another…which is why we should stay away from judging other people’s perspectives and either bond with what we have in common or can find compassion for, or set boundaries to protect what we see as our best way forward in our own life.  Going back to what I wrote about. last week, we can’t control other people, but we are solely responsible for creating the best version of ourselves. 

Optimism doesn’t mean that every twist and turn of life is joyful and easy.  In fact, it’s the tougher moments, the challenges, and even the stress in our lives, that comes to teach us and make us stronger. This reality gets sticky for me sometimes, usually around issues that I feel define my character and the way I present myself.  I’ve had to learn to trust myself, rather than the outside opinions that I was a fan of taking in, and trust the gut that I have developed from a lifetime of listening.

At some point, we all have to take ownership for our own lives, figure out why we make the choices we do, embrace what we love about ourselves, and get after changing the things we don’t. 

Because I believe so deeply in authenticity, but have also learned that not every story in our life is for everybody, I know that I have to be accept the fact that some will vibe with my personal philosophy of life and some will pass on it.

I had a little gathering at my new house not too long ago and when I stopped to pay attention, I was inspired by the generations of people that I find connection with. Every decade from teenagers, who are my kids friends, to people in their 70’s showed up to hang out.  As I always say, 

“pay attention to what you attract because it’s leading you to your purpose.”  

This experience, hanging out with people who are a part of my life, whether at yoga, on the volleyball court or others who help me stay healthy and sane over the course of my days, inspires my belief in connection and generational learning and makes me want to create a world where people aren’t so guarded and afraid to tell their stories, so I lead by telling mine. It’s not for attention, it’s because writing is cathartic and creates a sense of belonging with people who get me. 

Part of building a strong and supportive tribe is knowing that we won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and, if we try to be, we end up exhausted and hiding our uniqueness that we have to share if we want to create health and happiness in our lives. 

For so much of my life I was the young one, always feeling like I had so much to learn, afraid to put myself out there, and yet with this little voice in my head telling me all kinds of cool insight and stories, probably why I enjoy my alone time. I didn’t know that learning to manage criticism and judgment were a natural part of gaining a stronghold on our own lives, so naturally, I tried to avoid anything that might draw attention to myself.  In school, I was always the youngest in my class, then I got married at 22, so most of the couple friends we had were older than me because really, not many people, even 20 years ago were getting married that young. It’s only been in the passing of the last few years that I have taken over the roll of one of the older ones. It’s like my old soul has finally caught up, and now I want to make good on the time I have left, which has me thinking about some of the things I want to work on in the New Year…

Why share your real story? Because it matters and it helps create understanding in this world. And you will indeed end up becoming your own hero when you find the power in your story. The pain is in the shadows, it begins to subside when we learn to bring it into the light. The challenge is to decide who to share it with, it doesn’t have to be in a blog…start with one person, find your connection, and the most beautiful healing will take root inside of you.

My oldest friend in the world checked in on me for my birthday. We were neighbors when we were born in the tiny farm town of Mendota, CA and she’s four months younger than me. We have laugh until you cry memories together that created the happiest times of my childhood and no matter the time that passes or the miles between us my heart swells at the thought of those days. At the end of our exchange she asked, how did we get to be 45? …even though she’s not quite there yet. That simple question made the movie run in my head…jumping into backyard swimming pools, not telling my mom my ear hurt so I could keep swimming, and then dying of the worst ear ache at 2am, feeling scared to death of fireworks on the 4th of July (told you I was timid), pulling onto the freeway after my high school graduation and feeling the freedom that I knew was mine to have. But since these years that seemed to pass so slowly at the time, time seems to have a fast forward button and the last 20 years feel like five minutes. Kids went from diapers to college in the blink of an eye. Time is universal, but as the years go on, it seems to pass infinitely faster. The good thing about this realization is that there are ways to use this precious commodity to find alignment in our days, make the most of these incredibly fast minutes that pass, and make the time we spend more reflective of the people we that we are always becoming.

  1. Get clear on how you want to spend your time. It may seem that the older we get there are rules and parameters on how we are “supposed to” spend our time, but those rules are self imposed. Sometimes it takes courage and sacrifice, but we are the designer of our days and how we live is up to us. It may feel like someone is trying to tell you what it should look like or how it’s supposed to be for you, but it’s not your job to listen to all of that. Self awareness is the gift that gives us clarity and confidence in our choices and is the key to making ourselves happy. Are you happiest when you are around people or do you crave quiet time away from the crowd? How do you like to create? Is it through a pen, words, movement, or connection with others? If time is going to pass this quickly, age has taught me that I don’t want to waste one minute living outside my purpose. When we are clear on that, we don’t have to feel guilty for saying no to things that don’t fall within that vision because living “on purpose” is not just for ourselves. When we live in alignment, we are contributing to the world with our highest calling and everyone is better off for that choice.

  2. Every choice matters. Choices are the stepping stones on our path and we choose where that path will lead. Our choices either build or chip away at the confidence we have in ourselves. If there is something you want to do, make sure that the small choices you make each day are aligned with that bigger goal. If they aren’t, you will be left feeling aimless and frustrated. Without self awareness, choices feel arbitrary, but they never are. Over time, if we mindlessly wander, or make choices based solely on conformity to a path that doesn’t honor our uniqueness, we wake up one day wondering how our life got “off track”or how we “lost ourselves”. The optimist in me says we are never off track, but just being given the opportunity to know ourselves a little better and get smarter as we start to make the choices that put us on the meaningful path that was meant for our feet.

  3. Know that the only thing you have control over is yourself. Over the years, we can take some wrong turns, that’s just life, that put us in some precarious situations that we have to find our way through. Even with our own resilience and grace, sometimes it takes another hand and wise words to pull us through (that’s where that connection comes in). Know yourself well enough to know when you need to take that hand, and who’s hand to take. Relationships can drift away from a healthy path, the circumstances of the job that we worked so hard to learn can change, children grow up and don’t need us in the capacity that we built a life around for so many years. Without keeping an eagle eye on our own path, It’s easy to spend time and energy thinking about and trying to control how other people and situations affect us, how their choices could make our life different, or even better. But that isn’t how we are connected. We are all free to make our own choices, our job is to surround ourselves with the community whose choices vibe with our own, and not let one ounce of our energy go into taking away another human’s free will. Their choices are how they learn too. It takes courage to live freely and let others do the same, but it trains our minds and bodies to seek what is unique to ourselves and not expect other people to create our happiness for us. When we are young, we are begging for that autonomy that is ours as adults. How will you honor the gift you have been given?

What I have felt this week, as I celebrated another year on this earth, is that this phenomenon of time passing quickly is meant to create clarity and purpose. We have all been blessed with gifts and talents. Figuring out how to use them to their fullest, and who to share them with, is the prescription for a happy life. If you are feeling stuck for any reason, don’t be hard on yourself, look for that helping hand and take it. I’m grateful this week for the love and connection that another year around the sun brought me and the reminder that there is always a hand too hold, if we aren’t afraid to reach for it.

The Optimists Journal was born out of a particularly difficult time in my life, as my marriage was unraveling and I wanted to deeply understand the reasons for the patterns that I had created in my days. I am a feeler, and an above average processor, which is why I have been able to make a good dent on my healing process in a relatively short amount of time, but that has required some heavy internal work. To find this healing and make a mindful turn both for myself and my kids, I’ve had to get really comfortable with what scares me, my motivation in this life, and how to paint a new picture that is satisfying, productive, and healthy. Writing has been the key to letting go for me, and, until we let go, we don’t see what we gain on the other side. (hint: this is the subject for my next book). 

Besides the healing and learning that my blog has provided, nothing beats the feeling when real people share their stories with me. Say the word connection and my whole face lights up (thanks Nicole Davis for that observation). With the courage I have found to heal myself and sink into the space that is mine, I feel it with every smile and opportunity I have to share and listen. Life is too short and precious for small talk, and I love getting to the meat of a good conversation quickly. Although social media these days is geared toward mega watt impact (I’ve been inspired by so many putting their amazing vibes out there…Yung Pueblo, Create the Love, The Holistic Pyschologist, Dr. Will Cole, Brianna Wiest, The Angry Therapist, to name a few) and I would like my words to reach as many humans as possible, I know that we are here to share our stories and learn from each other with each daily choice, conversation, and kindness that we extend. 

Purpose is never about the audience, always about the intention. 

I love this thought because it diffuses the pressures that I begin to feel from the outside world, and gives me space to feel and connect through my true self. The challenge for me, a girl who used to rush through a room without lifting her head, scared of the attention she could possibly receive, is feeling that connection that I have one on one with real stories and people, and translate that to a wider audience. But in any good life, there is always something to work on,  and the trick is riding that razors edge between commitment to potential and contentment in the moment. 

My blog, along with the hours I’ve spent listening to Finding Mastery, literally the most efficient path I have found to cut out the noise and seek the mindful life daily, after I shifted my focus from the 24 hour news cycle that was bringing me down, to expanding my own growth mindset, has helped me create a beautiful philosophy for my life. 

To create calm and connection with every breath and movement. 

Having a personal philosophy is a gift, because it gives us a simple filter to run our choices through. So, with every choice I make, and man there are a lot of them, I focus on these italicized words above. Since I learned to do this, life has become a deeply meaningful journey, where purpose is stronger than fear (most of the time) and if it’s not, I know how to reset and challenge my way through, with a little grace and time.

Create: I never thought I was creative. In grade school, I always cut on the wrong line and could have cared less how my project came out. My picture of an artist was someone who owned an easel and paints or who could wander the aisles of Michael’s craft store for hours on end. Definitely NOT ME! But what I have found through writing  and  meeting other people on their paths, is that we all have the capacity to create, we just have to discover the source of our joy, and the art comes from there. Our interests are not random, they are unique and leading us to our purpose, if we take the time to nurture them. The process of that discovery is our life’s work. I’ve learned not to ignore that which I thought was weird about myself (like what I have dubbed my “granola conservative” ways that find me adding country music to my yoga playlist and seeking out healing through acupuncture, energy healers and mediation). I embrace my uniqueness, and my creativity pours from there.

Calm: I was born with a pretty activated nervous system, I guess what the studies these days are calling “the anxious child”, so learning to calm that has been a work in progress my entire life.  As it goes with genetics, God gave me children, with some of those same tendencies. But as the science has developed, we now know that our genes actually react differently based on the environment where we spend our days. Today, I always have the intention of creating calm for myself, my kids, and the people around me. I know how to observe my feelings without reaction, slow down my thoughts, and always remember that our feelings are like the waves of the ocean, they ebb and flow, even crash hard and then level out. I don’t let anything that is passing define me…and I’ve learned that everything is passing. 

Connection: I’m convinced that it’s why we are here.  Human beings are social creatures, and we crave connection and the support that it creates.  It’s not an excuse to expect others to do the heavy lifting for us, self awareness is the key to our growth and response to our lives. But if we put less into relationships and take the path alone, we are missing out on the greatest gift of the human experience…deep and loving connection with people that we are brave enough to share our stories with. There is nothing like sharing your story with someone who deserves to hear it. 

Breath: The breath circles back to the calm. It’s our stabilizer, our deactivator and our lifeline. It’s the most basic way to introduce calm to our system. Let your exhale be longer than your inhale and you will literally feel your parasympathetic nervous system (rest & digest)  come online. I had no idea when I started my yoga practice to heal the physical injury in my body the connection I would find with my breath and the skills it would give me to calm myself and translate calm in this chaotic world.   

Movement: Sports and physical movement have always been an avenue of inspiration and healing for me. If I’m addicted to anything, it’s endorphins. More that anything the lessons I have learned from a lifetime of volleyball and swimming have taught me about my own internal strength and ability to push through discomfort…even learning to compensate at times based on circumstances and injuries. There is technique and then there is our own way, and learning when to use each one is a life skill.  

It’s no coincidence that I had conversations on all of these topics with like minded people in all of the arenas where I sold my book these last few weeks.  From Dave’s Bookshop in Redondo Beach, to Pages - A Bookstore in Manhattan Beach, to Top Drawer in Fresno, I met energy healers, physical therapists, wine makers, writers, coaches, and therapists that have turned into meet ups and more conversation about how to expand the optimistic side of life. I know that my philosophy led me to this place…and it’s going to lead me on to many more moments, connecting, coaching, and telling stories.  To the people who have trusted me with your stories, thank you. I carry them, they inspire me, and keep the running dialogue in my head that flows through my writing fresh and energized. They led me to my latest quote that I shared on my way out of Top Drawer on Thursday afternoon.  

“Know your worth, speak your words, and you will be

good with any answer.” 

What’s your life philosophy? Take a stab at it, share it with me.  And thanks as always for the connection. 

I’m really trying to nail down my own story these days, because it is so intimately related to the message that I want to deliver. But when I see the picture like the one above, I know I’m exactly where I am supposed to be, following the path that is mine to walk. Every week I am reminded about how interconnected we are by text messages filled with real stories of vulnerability and strength that don’t show up on social media that inspire me to keep writing, talking, and coaching the optimists outlook in life. I often ask people the question:

“Optimist or pessimist?”

And although it’s not one of the choices, one of the popular answers is ‘realist’.  Sometimes I think that’s because claiming to be an optimist has a naive quality to it, or seems too exposed, because when you are expecting the best, it’s easy to be taken advantage of. Although I believe that we are all born with different outlooks, I also know that our lens on life is a process of both nature and nurture. 

The more I work to define what creates optimism in my life, the more I am convinced that a self professed realist is actually an optimist with a work ethic and some life experience to back it up.

So lately I’ve been analyzing my practice of how I have grown my optimism, especially through difficult life experiences. It’s in the little habits and brain games that I play with myself everyday.  It’s knowing how to recognize feelings without sinking all the way into them and letting them rule the day, and the mood, and mastering the art of reframing the problem at hand into an opportunity.  In short, we have to do the work to be able to keep our ‘rose colored glasses’ and this is what it looks like for me, pretty much every day.

O -  Optimists OBSERVE what works. It’s not about following the path of least resistance or grinding inefficiently against the grain.  Optimists create energy for positive outcomes by observing what works and what doesn’t and then following their instincts that stem from that.  Deep connection, first with ourselves, and then in other relationships, are grounded in consistency and trust, and a real optimist will shoot to create a space like this in their life. When we are able to sit in this place, we find both an ease and an excitement that everything is possible. 

P - Optimists find their PURPOSE. Without a purpose in this life, our actions feel aimless or floundering, and that certainly isn’t going to leave you feeling optimistic about your path. Take the time and give energy to what excites you…your interests are never random, they are what make you uniquely you and lead you to your purpose that brings more light to the world. 

I - Optimists aim to INSPIRE. Smile, share your story, and take time to listen to someone else’s. When we do this, we both inspire other people with our real life humanness and gain insight and learn from others. Optimists are openminded and can inspire with both words and actions, strengths and struggles. I focus on real connection with real people and when it happens it’s the greatest feeling of flow. 

M - Optimists are MINDFUL about their own lives and their surroundings. It’s not possible to stay optimistic if we don’t take the time to slow down, quiet the noise, and give ourselves the time to clear our minds.  The demands of life can be high and the impact of decisions that we make are great. Meditation and solitude buoys my optimistic spirit and holds the anxiety and overwhelm at bay.  This is a new and life changing habit that has brought focus to my path that I never knew was possible. 

I - Optimists are INCLUSIVE. Optimists know there is something to learn from everyone and every experience regardless of strength, ability, challenge, or worldly status. This mindset makes the world an exciting and inviting place to lay out our own story and connect with the people that resonate with it. That doesn’t mean that everyone will, and we do have to be mindful about setting our boundaries, but it I try hard to connect and not shut anyone out. 

S - Optimists know their own STRENGTH. This is a big one for me because self confidence and doubt are areas that I have worked on a lot over the past few years. We have to be able to harness and utilize our inner strength to be able to create healthy environments and relationships that keep life on an optimistic path. Yes, we can learn from the challenges and grow stronger but more than anything, when I make decisions based on my belief in myself, the people who surround me help me live out my story in the best and most supportive way. Which leads me to my next and, I believe, very important point. 

T - Optimists have TRIBES that further support their mindset. The habits and beliefs of the people we are around most are contagious.  Our tribes will celebrate with us when things are humming along, and be a source of support and encouragement when life gets difficult. When we have the confidence to be ourselves, and shed the tendencies that cause us to struggle, like people pleasing, being avoidant for fear of getting hurt, or other crutches and addictions that keep us from our best life, we live in alignment and connect with the people who are meant for us. 

The gift of self awareness is always worth the work put in, even if the process is scary at first.  I see it in the simples moments, like when I’m locked in a battle with my twelve year old over going to practice, or how much video game time he should get that day, and the best thing he can throw back at me is 

“Well, that’s just because you are optimistic.” 

Yes, I am. Even if it seems unrelated and off topic in that moment, my message is getting through. And it’s real optimism that has taken a lot of work to solidify to make it my go to platform.  We only get to do this life once, so why not make it great…no matter what challenges get thrown in the path, I believe in my ability to adapt, find gratitude, and the silver lining. The world needs real optimists, may we be them, find them, raise them, and connect with them every chance we get.   

P.S. - Next Sunday, December 8, just in time for my birthday on December 10, I will publish my 100th blog at The Optimists Journal. Will you help me share that blog 100 times? Comment below and let me know you will help me by sharing my blog on your social media platforms and by forwarding the TOJ email to someone who doesn’t already receive it. If you would include a little story of our connection, big or small, that would make it really special. Thank you for reading and sharing your stories, these connections mean the world to me.

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