It has been said that we are only as happy as our least happy child, and there is some truth to that. Nothing prepares us for the love and devotion most of us feel when we become parents. As years go by, we have hopes and dreams for them, hopefully we learn to manage that process in a healthy way, and eventually we learn that the desire to control outcomes for them and protect them from distress and harms way is, in large part, an illusion. As a friend of mine said in his daughters bat mitzvah toast,
“I just want you to breathe.”
I found that to be such a beautiful and freeing sentiment, letting his daughter know that she could become whoever she wanted to be, that the dreams were hers, not his. He would play the supporting cast to her stardom, however that took shape. His words make me refocus often and realize that we have far less control over our children’s happiness and even, as they get older, their safety in this world than we would like. It makes me realize that as devastating as divorce is for children, life deals us blows at some point that the human spirit is capable of not just surviving but thriving beyond. This concept has been an evolution of my own mindset that continues each day because the memory of telling my four kids that their dad moved out is etched on my heart forever. It’s possibly the most painful thing I have experienced through this entire process. As I said last week, time moves on, and the task at hand of raising four strong, well adjusted kids who know they can withstand difficulty, learn from it, and become contributing members of society is, without a doubt, my greatest motivation in life. Being that my youngest is 12, we aren’t even close to done in the pursuit of that goal. Here are some principles that I have learned firsthand that are guiding me today:
You can’t physically do enough to make the heartache ok, so let yourself off the hook, and guide them through the emotional journey. Just after that fateful conversation about our split, I went into overproduction. They probably don’t even remember, because it didn’t last long, but for about six weeks, I was bound and determined to deliver them the best life experience they could get. We would road trip, I would have every last thing packed for them in their bags, make amazing meals when we were home, and basically try to anticipate their next need before they had even thought of it. My exhausted self quickly realized, probably out of necessity at that point, that it was not the way to go. I was working from a place of guilt, which, whatever the parenting circumstance, is never the place to make decisions. Not to mention, I was dead tired, and, although maybe a distraction for my own feelings, overproduction mode wasn’t helping anyone. One of the silver linings of split households, because yes, I make myself look for them, is that it gives kids the opportunity to learn to manage their own stuff, with real consequences. They are hugely capable if we teach, instead of do, and since I abandoned overproduction mode, I have watched little by little as they pick up the slack and learn to plan ahead, do pick ups and drop offs for me, use an alarm clock instead of me waking them up, manage their own bags and schedules, and I have time to go to yoga and make dinner.
Teach them to focus on who they want to become. We all have strengths and weaknesses that we can both capitalize on and work to improve. In split households, most likely there are different ways of doing things, mindsets, and habits that define each dwelling. I’ve seen it first hand, manipulation can come out quickly when discomfort rears its head.
“Dad wouldn’t make me do that.” or “Mom let’s me play that game.”
Anytime I have heard that terrible comeback in response to me laying down my law, I shoot back:
“When you play me against him, you are only cheating yourself.”
Example, “Do you think playing Call of Duty for six hours makes you a better human?” Usually I get an honest response.
“You have to decide who you want to be, and then work at that.”
Then I push the conversation to how he thinks he’s going to get there.
Let the other parent work from his or her strengths. This one has more to do with our own self esteem, but can end up doing harm to the relationship between parent and child. Don’t be territorial with things. If he wants to do something for your child, unless you see it as overtly harmful, be gracious and let it happen. Don’t let your ego get involved with ideas like, I wish I would have thought of that, or worry that there is going to be a favorite parent. Most likely that is going to ebb and flow based on experience and personality so don’t get hung up on winning the popularity contest on any given day. If it helps the bond between parent and child, just go with it. Always remember that their emotional needs are entirely different than yours and that other parent is a place for them to feel safe and loved, as long and there is not a reason to think those two things can’t be achieved, stay out of the way. In some situations, I have even found that whatever was being offered crossed something off my already long to do list, while giving one of the kids a positive experience, and I’ve learned to look at those as a win/win.
Be Strong, Be Vulnerable. Safety is a real need, no matter what age we are. Kids want to know that you have things from the top handled so that they can work on the building blocks of making it to adulthood. This doesn’t mean though that they should not see your feelings. I think one way we can help change the cycle of generational pain is to let our kids know that things are hard or less than ideal, and then let them be part of the process of conquering that obstacle. Let them know that, even when you are sad, you can still find laughter. Let them see you seek your outlets that give you joy, it will help them find theirs. Yoga, piano, sports, music playing in the kitchen, reading, outings and trips together, little inside jokes…there are all kids of things that we can find for ourselves that will turn the tables. Being both strong and vulnerable at the same time helps us get to the root of our issues, not just the symptom and I believe learning to do this is the real key to long term emotional well being.
Let Your Voice be so strong that they hear it even when you aren’t with them.
This is something I am always working on, speaking up isn’t something that has come naturally to me over this lifetime. This also isn’t an invitation to butt in, believe me, I’ve learned from experience that is bad form. It’s hard when we see our kids in some kind of emotional distress, because we want to solve the problem yesterday. The trick is figuring out if there is a way to help them process through what they are feeling versus trying to solve it for them (and most likely, you can’t anyway). Depending on the age of the child, the skills are different. Nonetheless, unless we are dealing with toddlers or younger, they have them, and honing them gives them an edge on self realization at a younger age. The message to them is that they know they can count on you in happiness and in distress 100% of the time, but then teach them that they have the power within them, despite their surroundings, to be present and happy wherever they are. In this day and age, we are a phone call or FaceTime away, we can even play video games with them when they aren’t with us. Let them know that you can meet them where they are, even if that’s not in person. I have found that just the idea of this can calm anxious feelings, especially my youngest.
In the end, parenting is an art, not a science. Despite some real hardship and heartbreak, I feel so much pride and joy when I watch my kids work as a team, to belong to each other and be a unit no matter where they are sleeping at night. The goal is always to give them access to emotional support, but let it look different depending on who lends it and give them the experience to see what works best for them. Raising kids in split households isn’t a competition, and, as long as it’s a safe environment, it’s their foundation and reality. I have found that even with it’s challenges, when we parent from our most authentic place, we get into a flow that helps us not to overthink. We just have to be brave enough to say what we know in our hearts to be true, and with good timing. I work hard to give my kids the deepest sense of who I am, even if they don’t fully grasp it today. Letting them see my emotions while providing them with safety and love is always a goal for me. I trust the bond I have built, and then I work hard to maintain it It looks different at every stage of this journey. Sometimes it’s talking, then it’s listening, then it’s holding on, then it’s letting go.
As I sit here at my oldest’s freshman orientation at TCU, the speed with which it passes it unbelievable. Don’t waste a minute fighting your ego and give them the opportunity to love and be loved by both parents…because what if, in the end, your child is only as happy as their least happy parent? Show them your joy, let them know they are safe and loved and the story can still have a very happy ending.
I still don’t like the word divorce. I still find the word itself hostile and angry and sad all at once. Just one little word, and I don’t know if that connotation will ever go away. What I do know though, it that the feelings change, the days change, and little by little your heart and mind begin to heal and your best life starts to show it’s way through. I often have people say to me when I tell them my story that they thought mine happened a lot longer ago than the just over two years that it has been. One thing I tell them is that for me, by the time the divorce happened, the healing had already planted it’s roots. It’s the years leading up to that fateful decision where the greatest heartache lies.
As I have said in more of my writing, I still believe in marriage, and the hard work it requires to choose someone every day and do the work that it takes to stay together. It’s not easy, and, for some reason, that wasn’t meant to be my story. So, if I can help people who find themselves in a similar situation to mine, that’s the next best thing I can do, because we are all capable of living amazing lives. One choice or event can never define us, and the best life lies on the other side of getting up, dusting ourselves off, and doing the hard work of mending a broken heart. In fact, whether it was a divorce or a break up, we’ve all been there, and it’s never easy. I started to think about what has helped me the most to move on with my life and came up with some practical steps that have lead me to a new level of peace and happiness.
Look Forward, Not Back. Get rid of the ideas in your head of how you “thought” life was going to look. Expectation can be so disappointing. Take what is today and learn to sit with it, in quiet, breathe and feel the sensation that you are ok. Exactly where you are, even in the sadness, you are living, you have talents and gifts, ones that you weren’t able to access when you were wrapped up in a dying relationship. Now is your time, what do YOU want to do for yourself and for the world. Identify the big goal, and set the small action steps that will get you there. Small victories put a little wind in our sails and lead us to the bigger ones. Where will you start? Allow these ideas to excite you, LOOK FORWARD.
Remember that you are the only one who grants yourself permission. I am a rule follower. I like to be coached and taught and learn from others. But those qualities set me up for a place in life where I was always looking for permission from other people as to how I should live my life. Being in a relationship, especially if it has some codependent tendencies, can foster that dynamic as well. Newsflash, you are a grown up. You have to pay your own bills, manage your own stress, raise your own children, so you better figure out that the decisions you make are yours. Quiet the outside voices and just listen to your mind and heart. Make small decisions at first, open your own bank account, make your own schedule, and through your choices allow the real you to be seen. Drastic change does not have to happen every day to make good progress.
Choose people who want to see you grow. Keep the opinions you take in to the trusted circle who wants to see you grow and not just survive, but thrive. The patterns you created in your past relationship have to change, those connections and conversations cannot stay the same if you expect to get over it. That doesn’t mean they won’t take a new form in the future, but give yourself the time and space that you need to heal. If you do this, life will look different, feel different, and that’s ok. Again, let go of the expectation and live with what is. If you are taking care of yourself, you will attract people who believe in your greatness, and your circle will change. You don’t need pity, you want to see progress, so choose the people who want to see that for you as much as you want to see that for yourself. Your growth will move some people out of your orbit, that’s ok. Some come in to our lives to teach us and aren’t meant to stay forever.
Learn the difference between power and control. We all have power within us to create, communicate, and design our lives the way we want to. There are different circumstances for all of us, but at the root is that beautiful God given freewill that gives us the ability to make our own choices. Notice I said our own choices, not anyone elses’s…that is where our power lies. Control is an illusion that takes away our power and makes us focus on the wrong things. Control is when we try to use our power to influence things outside of ourselves. Our power lies in our practice, not our results. Don’t spend your time trying to control outcomes, for you and especially not for your old relationship. Do your work, focus on your goals, and let your power fuel the fire to move you forward. Control is an illusion that steals our energy.
Practice Yoga. Yoga is breath, it is connection, and it creates the most beautiful free flow of energy I have ever experienced. It taught me to sit alone and truly feel instead of sitting alone and feeling numb. It taught me that I can do hard things, and that I am enough right where I stand today. Yoga is healing, and practiced by the most amazing community of non judging healers who accept without attachment to your story. It is a positive place to go when you need to get out and will do wonders for your mind, body and spirit. Enough said, just go.
Do not look at their social media. It may seem shallow, but in this day and age, it’s truth. It’s tempting at first, but I promise it will take you down the wrong rabbit hole that has nothing to do with your way forward. It doesn’t help you process pain or sadness. Basically, it’s an incredible waste of time and energy. Stay away, block them if you have to, not out of spite, but for your own emotional well being, it’s ok. Pretty soon you won’t even think about it anymore.
Forgive. I put this one last, it could be an entire blog topic in itself, and it takes time. Forgiveness happens in little moments, in realizing that we are all human, life is not perfect and that not one of us is defined by one choice that we have made in our lives. Forgiveness is the only healthy way forward. Being free is so much more important that being right, forgiveness comes easier when we realize that fact. Although we can learn from these painful experiences, eventually, forgiving has a lot to do with letting go of the ways you believe you were wronged. Use what you learned to set boundaries for next time, but know that most of the time, especially when it comes to matters of the heart, we hurt others from the place where we ourselves are hurting. That is not unique to a certain ‘type’ of person, it’s all of us. If you have ever wished to be forgiven, put your own forgiveness out into the world to heal.
In the end, the only thing that is finite is this life we have been given. The ups and downs and ebbs and flows teach us, but not a single one of them defines us. I sit here today, not ashamed of my story like I was two years ago, knowing that I make my own way forward, and confident that I have the skills to do that because of the work I have done. My highest hope is that I can break the cycle of generational pain that divorce, but more importantly the things that precede it create, by telling my story and helping other people process their own. If you are in the beginning of this process, know that no one feeling lasts forever, the tide will go in and out. Feel it, learn from it, and most importantly love yourself exactly where you are today, because that love is more important than the love that comes from any other person on this earth.
Writing is bliss, social media, not so much. While I love keeping up with the kids and families I moved away from when we came south, I worry about the younger generations and whether their tie to social media will have an adverse effect on their self worth. I worry that they can’t live freely, taking in experiences, posting what they want to, and still know how to enjoy the present. How do they learn that likes are not tied to worth, and that while being kind is first on the good life list, we are all left knowing that the only feelings that we should and can manage are our own. Boundaries…what a lesson.
I have journaled for over 20 years to bring clarity and healing to my life so, it’s not like this writing thing was a hobby I picked up recently. Today though, I use social media to put my words out there, so I have had to spend some time with my relationship with likes and followers in my own head so that it doesn’t feel like the ASB election I lost as a junior in high school, or the one before that in 5th grade where I got beat by a 4th grader. Unlike my dad, I don’t think I’ve ever won an election in my life…so for me, likes need not become votes or I’m in trouble.
Lately, I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out who it is I am writing to, besides myself, when I pen these blogs. I feel it in certain spaces, when women share their stories about their kids and we make an instant “me too” connection and leave with a hug after talking for less than 5 minutes. It’s in the graduation stories, life transitions, and the emails that come from far away about these rites of passage that seem so regular in American life, but shake us to our core. It’s in the conversations about broken relationships, and what we’ve learned from them, that gives way to healing and makes life a more real, and still beautiful place to be.
In the end, I want my words to make other people feel understood…because to me that is one of the best feelings in the world.
This week, I was standing on the beach getting ready for another game and my friend Heidi said:
“I love reading what you write, it’s like you are talking just to me. I almost ‘liked’ it, and I have never ‘liked’ anything in my whole life.”
Heidi gets my weekly email, she’s not even on Instagram. Her words gave me the chills. She is my person, my four kid mom who rolls with the chaos, raises good kids, and holds herself to an incredibly high standard, all while treating others with a tremendous amount of grace. If my words mean something to her, I’m hitting my mark. She shares the court with me every week and every inch of her 5’4 self can side out with the best of them with crazy cut shots and hard swinging deep middles. She can also stitch you up, write a prescription, and teach SRE classes (she was Matthew’s First Communion teacher). She does all of this… and you don’t even know her.
She is the humble warrior. She is a beautiful example of strength and submission to the ebbs and flows of life. She is who I am writing to.
Humble warriors come in many forms. They are the teachers I encountered at Open House last night at Kate and Matthew’s school, the doctors and nurses in the ER at 5am when I brought Lauren in because she couldn’t breath, the coaches who give confidence to my 5’8 inch 12 year old who is all knees and elbows at this point, but is starting to make more jump shots in the driveway, and the volunteer who goes into the classroom and helps a little girl with behavioral issues learn to read, because the powers that be have given up on her. Thank you humble warriors for being in my corner, writing this is making me realize how many of you there are in my life. Thank you for your causes, the jobs you do, your bravery, and the space you give other people to be who they are. Most of all, thank you humble warriors for sharing your wisdom and knowing your worth without fanfare, headlines or likes…you bring trust and connection to this world that the algorithm has yet to define.
Happy Father’s Day to all the dad’s out there fighting the good fight. Enjoy your day and may your children be good to you today. Parenting didn’t come with a manual…take it one day at a time.
Even though I consider myself a creature of habit, and changing those habits can be so hard, learning to thrive through life’s twists and turns has become one of my foundational and motivating goals. This week, as I moved again, for the second time in a year, I was tested mind, body and spirit. Old patterns have to give way to new outlooks if we want to keep challenging our limits and creating our best life, so, despite some discouraging moments, I pressed on, and I’m sitting in an (almost) organized new home.
Tough times are relative, but so many of our feelings are common, just delivered to each of us through different experiences. Whether I’m feeling lonely, discouraged, not enough, disorganized (man, moving is rough!) or scared, I have learned that by feeling and expressing, other people come along who understand. No feeling lasts forever, so I acknowledge, make a game plan, sleep or exercise (depending on time of day) and go again. I also know that our success depends on how well we can perform our routines despite our moods, because, let’s face it, there are just times we flat out don’t feel like it. To master any craft or life situation, we have to do it anyway.
Exercise goes a long way in getting me straightened out. Ironically, fitness became even more important to me after I was cut from the Cal Poly volleyball team after an ankle injury…a long time ago. It was then I discovered how much being physically fit influenced my mind, when I was faced with the reality that no one was going to make me show up for workouts, but that I felt so much better if I did it anyway. I learned that a long run would change my perspective on almost any problem, lifting weights made me feel strong and capable, and that recreational sports were a place to meet like minded people who enjoyed competition for the love of sport. In the past 20 years, I have run half marathons (finished one marathon - and decided that distance wasn’t for me), swam in Masters swim meets, and competed in indoor and beach volleyball tournaments all for the joy of competing and more importantly, to keep my brain chemistry in check.
The mind/body connection is real…and so are the lessons that we learn through it.
When we workout, the endorphins our body creates knock back brain fog and sadness and give us clarity to see how to move forward. Exercise and yoga give us so much body awareness that, for me, has translated to self awareness. Every time I step on my mat, I am reminded I have a weaker side. Too much trauma to my right foot and ankle, my root, has my right side full of scar tissue and my left side compensating for the weakness those injuries have caused. For me balance is a quest, I never really arrive there, but I keep trying so that I don’t lose more ground. We all have strengths and areas that we struggle in our lives, and most likely, they will never even out.
On most days, life feels a lot like my body, unbalanced. But for me, a full and beautiful life isn’t about balance, it’s finding presence in the imbalance that makes me breathe easier.
I was reminded this week, as I read this beautiful little book, Dear Her, our struggles become our strengths when we face them and allow ourselves to experience them head on, no shortcuts. Life can be hard at any stage. We are shaped by our trials as we walk through the fire and they create patterns, beliefs, aversions, and attractions based on what we allow ourselves to feel as we go through them.
Breakups, injuries, rejection, feeling like we don’t belong, being bullied, moving on, the ways we can have our hearts broken in this world seem endless sometimes and, just like our physical bodies after injury, these encounters with life create scar tissue around our hearts and minds just like physical injury.
At the site of an injury, scar tissue makes us stiffen up and reduces our mobility if we don’t make attempts to break it up. It can be the same way in life, because trying to avoid pain when it presents itself in our days, leads to a much smaller and less mobile existence. We have to be willing to risk the pain of failure and fatigue to gain the mobility that creates our best life. Often, that isn’t comfortable. When my PT goes after that nasty scar tissue in my foot and ankle it hurts like hell. But, when I walk out of there, I move more freely and create neurological patterns that make my game, and my day, better, more fluid, and stronger.
It works the same way for our hearts and minds. It’s all connected, don’t let your heart be hardened, the beauty of the experience often lies just beneath the pain, and through our example we can show the next generation that there is no shame in the struggle, and that embracing change, and even heart break, creates heart strength. A bigger and freer life stands just beyond our ability to break up that scar tissue and feel again, and we are all strong enough to endure it if we believe.
Happy Birthday Kate! Never be afraid to break up that scar tissue and feel. Life is a good place:)
Take a deep breath. It’s become a trademark phrase in my house. Until I had Matthew, and everything that I didn’t want to learn in high school biology actually became relevant to my life, I had no idea what breath actually did for us…besides keep us alive. I didn’t know that certain types of breath actually make a difference between surviving and thriving; that a breath, a hold, and a slow exhale actually tells our body that everything is ok. Boy, would that have been good for me to know earlier in life. Children teach us so much though, and I’m grateful for what I have learned about calming both of our systems.
Being the podcast fanatic that I am, THIS PODCAST, on trauma and healing was fascinating to me. My creative brain sees connection in so many things, and I’ve been wrestling with the irony that what we seek sometimes is sensory deprivation, because there is always so much stimulus around us (both human and technological), but what we actually need is breath to be able to take in life at our own pace.
As a child, my favorite sensation was to be deep underneath the water; no sound, no air, no weight…liquid heaven. Back then, I wished I didn’t need breath, I thought I would have stayed under forever. I love to glide through the water, I know how to push for the wall, not turn my head for air, and shave off a tenth of a second. I’ve always been proud of my ability to hold my breath, and see how far I could make it. But I’ll never forget that Wednesday morning swim, after I pulled Matthew out of the pool two days before. The feeling of needing a breath wracked me with guilt, the pool tried to swallow my tears, but I came up panicked and sobbing for the feeling that I imagined he had felt. Healing that trauma has taken a lot of work, and breath, to release, and there is still more to do, for both of us.
My healing process has sought out the expertise of so many different types of therapists...yogis, body work specialists, traditional therapy, even body work in the water. I can feel it when I am in the presence of a healer, it’s in their hands, their eyes, and their voice. When I think back over my life, I have always sought them out.
Healers are gentle seekers, never boastful or pretend to know it all. They are humble, hard workers with passion for what they do…truly my favorite humans to cross my path.
They are booked solid, doing what that love, and are healing the world, one appointment at a time…I love to shine light on their important work.
Trauma comes in many forms. and, because of my experience, it will never be belittled in my family. I’ve learned though, that it isn’t honored by hovering, shielding, or extra attention, as tempting as that can be for a parent, especially if you have seen your child in harms way, or even emotionally suffering. Healing from trauma asks for presence, a lack of judgment, and a listening ear. And then, if necessary, we can seek out the professionals to take it from there.
We are all living out our stories, and although we can be mindful with our choices, there are so many things spinning in and out of every day that we never anticipated, asked for, or could have avoided. So, as they say, it’s not what happens to us, it’s how we choose to react that makes the long term difference.
We can’t outrun trauma, it asks to be worked though to live our best life. From our earliest days, what happens to us stays with us, and has the ability to teach or torture.
If we try to ignore it, it will wake us in the night, reside in our bodies, and eventually, the numbing forces of addiction and self harm will take over and massively reduce our potential and our happiness. We were all meant to shine too bright than to not recover from what this world throws at us. No more holding my breath, back to my mat, I’m choosing to breathe and heal, and hoping to bring the next generation along with me.
