I sat on my striped towel, behind the scene, I even snapped a photo of the picture being taken. The kids all lined up for their annual summer shoot, the 15th summer in a row…mine weren’t in the line, I was there alone, and even though for the past two summers I couldn’t make this trip happily, this time I chose to come, alone, and I was ok. I was grateful. Grateful for downtime, bonds of friendship that have lasted 15 summers (actually longer), to see kids who were in infant seats together before they head off to college. I was grateful for a calm that I didn’t know existed, the ability I have to jump in the car and take a two day trip up the coast on a moments notice, and most of all my outlook…an optimistic one that in part comes naturally, but also that I have worked hard to make solid. It’s the best feeling to know that life has changed, something that most of us as humans have a pretty serious aversion to, and I’m ok.
Healing takes a lot of reflection, a lot of learning to work from what is, instead of what isn’t.
It’s not about ignoring feelings when they come up, like they did when I went to meet my two friends (who are married) for coffee on Sunday morning. When I got there they were already sitting down, but Kent quickly gave up his chair for me and went to stand in the long coffee line, asked me a couple of times for my order because he wanted my coffee to be right, and brought it back to me. The gesture brought tears to my eyes…it’s nice to be taken care of and I appreciated it to my core. But when I bring the optimist’s lens back into focus and let it pan out over the expanse that is my life, those little tugs at my heart strings are just that, because I know where I sit in the bigger picture, and I like it. The deep calm that comes from knowing I am capable of taking care of myself is so empowering and I rest easy knowing that even if I don’t get the luxury of having my coffee brought to me often, I know I’m worthy of it on any day…no guilt, no weakness, no strings attached. And most days I’m happy to choose my own mug anyway.
When we work from what is, and don’t give our energy to what isn’t, we find our way, little by little. This is our ticket out of ‘victimville’.
An optimist’s lens gives us the energy to have the discipline that it takes to keep going. It helps us see that what isn’t there today, may well be there tomorrow, or in a week, or a month, or even a year if we commit to our process. And, when we commit, we find our calling, our uniqueness that we were meant to bring to the world.
If we go along, wishing to be like or have what we think everyone else has, how would we ever discover what fills us up, what brings us joy, and what we can bring to the world to make it a better place?
So to bring it back around, it’s not that I didn’t want my kids with me last weekend, they were missed and I would choose them any day of the week. What matters is knowing that the difference I was most afraid of, not having them with me all of the time, has come to pass, and I’m alright. Knowing that, I can apply those feelings to other things that scare me on this crazy journey and be confident that as long as I fight to keep my optimist’s lens, my way forward presents itself. As my dad told me just this week, the kids will be ok if you are. There is a lot of change, angst, and unknown coming down the pipeline, it’s a hallmark of parenting teenagers no matter what your circumstance, and I’m poised and ready to handle it with my sleeves rolled up and some rose colored glasses…because one doesn’t work without the other.
